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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Back story: For New Year's my husband's youngest sister (18yrs old) accompanied us and my family to celebrate. That night she told us when we got home that my SISTER'S FIANCE (29yrs old) was hitting on her multiple times that night and even made some questionably pedophile remarks like "you were so beautiful at 15yrs when I met you, too bad you weren't legal then", and so on. Of course this enraged my husband and I. We were disgusted and let my family and sister know of the incident the next day.
My husband demanded that my family never let my sister's Fiance back around the family, and was even worried for my sister's daughter (10yrs old) to be around the fiance after knowing he made pedophilic comments. My family fully supported us, but made it apparent that they would fully support my sister no matter what she decided to do with her fiance. Either stay with him or not.
My husband made it VERY CLEAR to me that I support him by never being around the family if sister's fiance was around and to make sure we never come near them or vice versa EVER AGAIN. I complied.

Fast forward to present day. My sister decided to stay with Fiance anyway and even decided to continue on getting married this year. My husband is STILL enraged and is now upset with my sister and family who have supported her decision because he feels betrayed that they "let him pass" for what he did. He at first said he doesn't have an issue with me seeing my sister, but, as a graphic designer, I helped design her wedding invitations and once he found that out he said he doesn't know how he could forgive me.

I saw it as helping my sister in that moment, not her fiance. He sees it as I am not supporting his side and that in fact I am fully enabling sister's fiance's behavior. We are waiting to speak to a therapist, but he believes I have completely betrayed him and he doesn't know if he can trust me any more. I am hurt and am trying to be there for my husband AND sister (I am very close to her) I thought I did enough by not being around the family if the fiance was there (found out he never liked the guy all along, either), but my husband said that justice was never served and that I'm not being a supportive wife.

I have no idea what to do and this has been an ulcer in our marriage. Please help.

UPDATE: Since posting this my husband reached out to his mother for advice and she has basically "talked him out of the tree". Speaking sense into him, he realized he was coming off extreme and then proceeded to apologize. We made up. We are definitely still on the same page about keeping my sister's fiance away from us because we don't like the guy. My sister knows this. My husband says he doesn't want to cause any issues between my family and I that could birth a wedge between us. We are still waiting on the counseling to further strengthen our process, but all in all we are on the same page. It is a shame that this is even a reality, but like someone posted below mentioned, my sister made her bed and she has to lie in it. We will be there for her and keep a close on the fkn creep she decided to stay with. Thank you all for your perspectives and advice!
 

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If I was in your husbands position I think I would be pretty pissed off as well. Rugsweeping that level of creepiness would also put a strong wedge between me and that entire family. If my wife then pitched in on the wedding for this grade a douche we would have some words I would find it very disrespectful. Never being able to trust again is a little extreme it doesn't sound like you broke the rule he had set regarding the fiance, but I can understand him assuming his rule would automatically also apply to being involved with the wedding in any way. FYI your sister already made her choice between you and her fiance and you certainly didn't win.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
If I was in your husbands position I think I would be pretty pissed off as well. Rugsweeping that level of creepiness would also put a strong wedge between me and that entire family. If my wife then pitched in on the wedding for this grade a douche we would have some words I would find it very disrespectful. Never being able to trust again is a little extreme it doesn't sound like you broke the rule he had set regarding the fiance, but I can understand him assuming his rule would automatically also apply to being involved with the wedding in any way. FYI your sister already made her choice between you and her fiance and you certainly didn't win.
Absolutely, I can see his perspective on how he found what I did to be disrespectful and I do feel horrible about it. I apologized, but of course, the deed was done and he thought it was the final straw. I am very close to her and don't know how to keep her in my life and also support my husband. He said if he could have it his way, the fiance would "disappear". What should I do?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
The fiance is a jerk and in no way do I defend him, but designing an invite doesn't enable his behavior.

I don't blame your H for hating the guy but he doesn't get to make you a weapon in his war.
Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...
 

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Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...
Nobody tells me who I'm allowed to be friends with, and I don't tell anybody else this. I don't understand people who do and I would tell him to **** off.
 

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Situations like that are black and white to most men, no middle ground. But every man I know who has put their foot down about something like that experiences what they see as people "going soft." Now, looking at this from the outside, I don't think you committed any serious error. As another poster put it, you aren't giving support to the behavior. Your husband needs to understand the practical limits of his anger...
 

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Thank you for your perspective. I definitely feel like I am being made into his weapon. He says his justice is me never speaking to my sister ever again because she decided to stay with that creep. I just cannot NOT speak to my sister ever again. She's the closest family I have. I am stuck...
You point out that this is controlling abusive behavior, and that lowers your trust in him. He may not intend it to be such but it is what it is. Her relationship to you isn't important. This could be your best friend instead. The question is whether or not you agree with her behavior. Personally, you being there for her now, also means that you will be available if she comes to her senses and leaves the alleged abuser. I was with a woman for 10 years who was emotionally abusive and probably was to our children as well, not to mention neglecting to a degree. But my best friends stayed with me and endured her (although if the situation was like yours they would never expose any children to the other person) so that they would be there when I finally woke up. It took a decade, but I did, and I'm glad they did.

To me, trying to define and control your relationships is as bad as your sister's fiancé. Both are extreme examples of abuse. I assume that save maybe the wedding, that you have made it clear to your sister that you don't want to be near the man. I am also assuming based on your writing, that this is your actual position and not one imposed upon you by your husband. And I find this good. The one exception I might make is if I know he and another will be around any of my younger family members. In such a case I would be next to his side at all times or next to the youngling's side if there was only one. I would not give him the chance to be alone with them.

And for the record, at age 15 for the girl, then he would be a hebephile not a pedophile. Pedophiles are attracted to pre-teens and younger.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Situations like that are black and white to most men, no middle ground. But every man I know who has put their foot down about something like that experiences what they see as people "going soft." Now, looking at this from the outside, I don't think you committed any serious error. As another poster put it, you aren't giving support to the behavior. Your husband needs to understand the practical limits of his anger...
Omg, you hit the nail on the head about how men see it! He literally said something like "everyone being soft and disloyal". Thank you for your point of view. I felt like I was crazy for a moment, but I now see that he is going more into the extreme. I just don't know how to reel him out of it. He may not be able to if it's me trying to do it, if that makes sense...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You point out that this is controlling abusive behavior, and that lowers your trust in him. He may not intend it to be such but it is what it is. Her relationship to you isn't important. This could be your best friend instead. The question is whether or not you agree with her behavior. Personally, you being there for her now, also means that you will be available if she comes to her senses and leaves the alleged abuser. I was with a woman for 10 years who was emotionally abusive and probably was to our children as well, not to mention neglecting to a degree. But my best friends stayed with me and endured her (although if the situation was like yours they would never expose any children to the other person) so that they would be there when I finally woke up. It took a decade, but I did, and I'm glad they did.

To me, trying to define and control your relationships is as bad as your sister's fiancé. Both are extreme examples of abuse. I assume that save maybe the wedding, that you have made it clear to your sister that you don't want to be near the man. I am also assuming based on your writing, that this is your actual position and not one imposed upon you by your husband. And I find this good. The one exception I might make is if I know he and another will be around any of my younger family members. In such a case I would be next to his side at all times or next to the youngling's side if there was only one. I would not give him the chance to be alone with them.

And for the record, at age 15 for the girl, then he would be a hebephile not a pedophile. Pedophiles are attracted to pre-teens and younger.
Thank you for the clarification on the hebephile!

Yes, so we definitely are in agreement that neither of us want to be around the fiance ever again, we both are on the same page about how we feel towards him. I also made it clear to my sister that I didn't want to be around him either, she knows and understands this. But we didn't want it to ruin our relationship. My husband just cannot fathom me being associated with her and cannot even look at me when thinking about it. He feels so strongly I have betrayed him and I don't know how to mend this. He can't see my point of view and whenever I try to explain my side, he thinks I am minimizing the issue at hand.
 

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Thank you for the clarification on the hebephile!

Yes, so we definitely are in agreement that neither of us want to be around the fiance ever again, we both are on the same page about how we feel towards him. I also made it clear to my sister that I didn't want to be around him either, she knows and understands this. But we didn't want it to ruin our relationship. My husband just cannot fathom me being associated with her and cannot even look at me when thinking about it. He feels so strongly I have betrayed him and I don't know how to mend this. He can't see my point of view and whenever I try to explain my side, he thinks I am minimizing the issue at hand.
This is not up to you to mend this. You are not the one who is being controlling and abusive. Don't get me wrong. Your sister's fiancé is also in the wrong, assuming all you wrote is accurate. The therapist really is your best bet of resolving this. If he can't manage to listen to an impartial third party and will stick to his anger like that, you might be better off without. Love is indeed a strong force in a marriage, but it is not the only factor and a marriage cannot survive on love alone.
 

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Omg, you hit the nail on the head about how men see it! He literally said something like "everyone being soft and disloyal". Thank you for your point of view. I felt like I was crazy for a moment, but I now see that he is going more into the extreme. I just don't know how to reel him out of it. He may not be able to if it's me trying to do it, if that makes sense...
His kid sister is in the mix so it's easy to understand his anger. He probably wants to pound this a**hole into the pavement. On the other hand your sister is in the mix too. Knowing how he feels for his sister I wonder if he'd accept his behavior coming from you if the roles were reversed?
 

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We had a situation in our family decades ago, that led to an eventual suicide. The person did not want her daughter to stay married to a particular creep, everybody else brushed her off, it led to some serious problems for many many children. She was right, and there were future victims and horrific things happened. And that person who spoke as loudly as your husband couldn’t carry the burden and eventually committed suicide, she tried so hard and felt too responsible.

So many of us wished she had left him.
 

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His kid sister is in the mix so it's easy to understand his anger. He probably wants to pound this a**hole into the pavement. On the other hand your sister is in the mix too. Knowing how he feels for his sister I wonder if he'd accept his behavior coming from you if the roles were reversed?
He is also very much looking out for your sister. More than her own family.

I’m sorry it had to be said.
 

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What is alarming to me is that your sister has a daughter quickly approaching the same age that your husband's sister was when the fiance started creeping on her. And no one other than your husband sees the issue with that enough to put their foot down? Seriously!?! It's one thing for your sister to choose to get involved with a creep. It's something else for her to endanger her own child with this guy.

I can see why your husband is upset about the invitations because it's endorsing their marriage in a way. He may even see it as passively enabling child abuse. The law doesn't really care if she's 10 or 15 when she's under the age of consent and it's not any less damaging to her just because she is post pubescent. Harping on whether it's pedophilia or hebephilia is missing the point - a kid is in danger of abuse.

Regardless, he does not have the right to demand that you stop talking to her and it would be more detrimental if you did. Your niece will need your support once this guy starts creeping on her. She will need people like you and your husband. You won't be able to help her if you cut off your sister.

What I will say though is that I personally would be extremely disappointed that my spouse was involved with and supportive of a marriage under these circumstances and it would cause some serious marital strife and a permanent dip in my respect for them. Again, entirely because of sister's daughter being involved and the high likelihood of her being abused while no one is advocating for her safety despite knowing it's wrong. You have some hard choices to make about how comfortable you will be if he ever makes a move on your niece knowing that you could have done more now to prevent that from happening.
 

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Back story: For New Year's my husband's youngest sister (18yrs old) accompanied us and my family to celebrate. That night she told us when we got home that my SISTER'S FIANCE (29yrs old) was hitting on her multiple times that night and even made some questionably pedophile remarks like "you were so beautiful at 15yrs when I met you, too bad you weren't legal then", and so on. Of course this enraged my husband and I. We were disgusted and let my family and sister know of the incident the next day.
My husband demanded that my family never let my sister's Fiance back around the family, and was even worried for my sister's daughter (10yrs old) to be around the fiance after knowing he made pedophilic comments. My family fully supported us, but made it apparent that they would fully support my sister no matter what she decided to do with her fiance. Either stay with him or not.
My husband made it VERY CLEAR to me that I support him by never being around the family if sister's fiance was around and to make sure we never come near them or vice versa EVER AGAIN. I complied.

Fast forward to present day. My sister decided to stay with Fiance anyway and even decided to continue on getting married this year. My husband is STILL enraged and is now upset with my sister and family who have supported her decision because he feels betrayed that they "let him pass" for what he did. He at first said he doesn't have an issue with me seeing my sister, but, as a graphic designer, I helped design her wedding invitations and once he found that out he said he doesn't know how he could forgive me.

I saw it as helping my sister in that moment, not her fiance. He sees it as I am not supporting his side and that in fact I am fully enabling sister's fiance's behavior. We are waiting to speak to a therapist, but he believes I have completely betrayed him and he doesn't know if he can trust me any more. I am hurt and am trying to be there for my husband AND sister (I am very close to her) I thought I did enough by not being around the family if the fiance was there (found out he never liked the guy all along, either), but my husband said that justice was never served and that I'm not being a supportive wife.

I have no idea what to do and this has been an ulcer in our marriage. Please help.
I have to say the truth, I commend you for being brave enough to say something to your family and sister that this situation happened. I think you did the right thing. Most people would not say anything or cover it up so as 'not to start trouble'.

I am in a similar situation as your husband. I have issues with a sister in law (husband's brother's wife) and, while his family knows what's up, they will not defend me in order to 'have peace in the family'. They could give a hoot about honesty or what's right. But anyway...I can appreciate that YOU did what you did.

However, I don't think your husband can stop you from seeing your family or your sister if you so choose. I would DEFINITELY not be around the fiancee' ever. But it's hard to control what other people do (deciding to support your sister). You not seeing them isn't going to change anything. They've made their decision. In their mind (and I think it's wrong, but can sort of get it), they don't want to lose their daughter...maybe in their mind they realize she will need support cause her fiancee' is a douche.

I have a funny feeling your sister will wind up on this website sooner or later. How unfortunate that she does not heed this glaring red flag. But it's a bed of her own making, and unfortunately you and your husband care, and the advice of those who care the most is the one that almost never is taken.

I wonder, did your sister tell you why she decided to go through with it? And what was her response when she found out about what her fiancee' did?
 

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Husband's sister is 18. Not a minor. Heck, we have a poster here who started dating a woman who was 19 and he much older, and they are going to get engaged soon.

Yes the comment that she was "beautiful at 15" is gross, but expecting your wife to never speak to her sister again over this is extreme.

I think you two should go to counseling for third party help.
 

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Counseling is the only way you guys will figure something out here. It's unrealistic for him to expect you to cut your sister out.

In his shoes I would never allow that dude around my family - and if he was attending a family event I would not attend, nor have my extended family attend, but I wouldn't stop you from going. I'd be like, so, how is your sister? I think the non-attendance by me and my extended family would send the proper message.

But your H is going to have to come to this conclusion with help from a 3rd party. It can't be from you - or else he'll feel like he is "losing".

And geez, you might want to talk to your sister about him. How can anyone know that and still marry him? What did he say when confronted?
 

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Nobody tells me who I'm allowed to be friends with, and I don't tell anybody else this. I don't understand people who do and I would tell him to **** off.
I doubt you play around with pedophile like creeps either. This isn't that cut and dry.

It is very dangerous to allow this creep into the family and it is a knife edge balance to stay in a sister's life that is married to him.

There might be a way through this that isn't as cut and dry from the husband's perspective as well but I would seriously consider leaving my wife if she allowed a pedophile to be any way involved with her or our family.
 
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