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Discussion Starter · #161 ·
Weak moments will come. You grit your teeth and get through them, being civil because little eyes are watching. Acknowledge that each moment is a tough one, but accept that like the previous ones, it will pass, and you will be one more weak moment closer to your goal. It's hard work, so naturally the psyche wants to avoid it, and presents insidious thoughts about giving up. Being aware that this happens is the biggest part of overcoming those moments.

So you have a separation agreement, which divides your time up with the children? What happens if you try to get him to operate on that schedule even though you are presently in the same house? During 'his' time with them, make yourself scarce. Hide in your room or go out and do things that take your mind off the situation.

Meanwhile, treat him like a roommate you don't like, and interact as little as possible. There is no point having discussions about anything. If you have to talk about kid logistics, do it over email.

Live-in separation absolutely sucks. But you know the end, and will get through it day by day. As the saying goes, if you're going through Hell, keep going.
He has many hobbies and activities (not even including banging a ho) and comes and goes as he pleases, as has been the case for several years. He has subtly hinted that he would change if I were to agree to reconcile. I already fell for that sh!t once.

I was advised by my lawyer that this works to my benefit as long as I document everything (which I do) in case he tries to get half custody. Which he has threatened me with once in anger, but doesn’t actually want. I have been essentially a single parent for years, with a husband who pays the bills and the kids see for a couple hours at most, on a good day. I lived in denial for a long time about this, excusing it as a midlife crisis. That parts on me. And I feel terrible for allowing him to treat my kids as though they don’t matter. That they aren’t a priority. Can I forgive myself for that? I hope so.

Anyway, learning a lot about myself and who he is. For the first time I’m actually starting to accept and understand that this is what was meant to happen, I just wish the timing with the housing market would’ve been different. But who knows, maybe this impossible situation serves a deeper purpose too.
 

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QR,
I lived in denial for a long time about this, excusing it as a midlife crisis. That parts on me. And I feel terrible for allowing him to treat my kids as though they don’t matter. That they aren’t a priority. Can I forgive myself for that? I hope so.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself with this. Look, you loved the guy, had the kids, and in LTR's we all form certain patterns and habits in the relationship. MANY (most?) times, you just don't really recognize them.
Once things happen, you start to look at the actions, and say "why didn't I realize that?" Well, it's because you were busy LIVING your life.
NOW you know this, NOW you recognize this, and NOW you can change YOUR pattern in dealing with this.
Forgive yourself. Love your kids, be with them, have fun with them -- there really is nothing to forgive. HE is the one who needs the forgiveness for his actions to them, not you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #163 ·
QR,

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself with this. Look, you loved the guy, had the kids, and in LTR's we all form certain patterns and habits in the relationship. MANY (most?) times, you just don't really recognize them.
Once things happen, you start to look at the actions, and say "why didn't I realize that?" Well, it's because you were busy LIVING your life.
NOW you know this, NOW you recognize this, and NOW you can change YOUR pattern in dealing with this.
Forgive yourself. Love your kids, be with them, have fun with them -- there really is nothing to forgive. HE is the one who needs the forgiveness for his actions to them, not you.
Thank you, this makes a lot of sense to me.
 

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The old saying about hindsight being best definitely applies to dysfunction in marriage. After my long marriage was finally over, I could clearly see all those things I didn’t focus enough on at the time. But during the marriage it’s easy to make excuses for why things are the way they are. I did that for decades. Never again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #165 ·
The old saying about hindsight being best definitely applies to dysfunction in marriage. After my long marriage was finally over, I could clearly see all those things I didn’t focus enough on at the time. But during the marriage it’s easy to make excuses for why things are the way they are. I did that for decades. Never again.
Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!

I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now.

Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it.

Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.
 

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Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!

I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now.

Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it.

Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.
I know too well exactly how you feel. I joined TAM primarily to help women see that they could survive the end of long marriages with a cheater and successfully move on. It’s a tough road, full of ups and downs. But then you rebuild and have a good life. I did and you will too.
 

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Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!

I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now.

Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it.

Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.
I consider my ex's affair the best thing I never wanted. Would I prefer to have stayed married to the supportive, loving partner I thought I had? Sure, but that person didn't exist. I was married to an illusion, a façade, and in retrospect, I realize I had projected a lot of my own qualities where they didn't exist for the entire relationship. I'm so glad I'm not still married to the selfish cowardly narcissist behind the curtain. I'm a better person for the experience. Still wish it hadn't been necessary though.

Maybe someday I'll find a proper supportive loving partner, and be much better able to recognize one that comes along.
 

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Discussion Starter · #168 ·
2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke.

The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!

I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares.

There are no solutions besides waiting. None.

Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes???

Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.
 

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2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke.

The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!

I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares.

There are no solutions besides waiting. None.

Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes???

Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.
Is there no way you can eitther stay with friends/relatives or rent a small place for 2 months?
 

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Discussion Starter · #170 ·
Is there no way you can eitther stay with friends/relatives or rent a small place for 2 months?
I’ve vetted so many alternatives early on. I still have my name on rental lists, and on the resale housing market, there is ZERO available in my $ range. Housing crisis of epic proportions and nobody is renting to short term renters. They have the luxury of waiting lists of people.

I don’t have any family or friends close enough with space for me and the kids. He isn’t going to go sleep on someones couch and since he is paying 100% of the bills for this house. Technically he can tell me to move out since he’s keeping this house and I’m getting a new one.

So, sleeping across the house in different rooms, it could be worse. But I’m being a cry baby. Its whine or commit someone bodily harm. So I’ll just whine. Lucky you guys.
 

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I know. I thought I would go bsc before my husband finally moved out during our separated-but-living-together period. It wasn’t really the million years I thought it was but it definitely felt like it.
 

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I’ve vetted so many alternatives early on. I still have my name on rental lists, and on the resale housing market, there is ZERO available in my $ range. Housing crisis of epic proportions and nobody is renting to short term renters. They have the luxury of waiting lists of people.

I don’t have any family or friends close enough with space for me and the kids. He isn’t going to go sleep on someones couch and since he is paying 100% of the bills for this house. Technically he can tell me to move out since he’s keeping this house and I’m getting a new one.

So, sleeping across the house in different rooms, it could be worse. But I’m being a cry baby. Its whine or commit someone bodily harm. So I’ll just whine. Lucky you guys.
At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.
 

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2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke.

The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!

I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares.

There are no solutions besides waiting. None.

Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes???

Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Yes, it's possible to die of stress, so try to practice a little self-care and go easy on self-criticism. I know that NOT easy, heck I'm still learning. Is there any way the contractor can finish enough of the house for you to move in? Like finish the kitchen, a bathroom and the living room or a bedroom?
 

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Discussion Starter · #174 ·
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Yes, it's possible to die of stress, so try to practice a little self-care and go easy on self-criticism. I know that NOT easy, heck I'm still learning. Is there any way the contractor can finish enough of the house for you to move in? Like finish the kitchen, a bathroom and the living room or a bedroom?
They are mass builders, so they have crews come in and do a, b then c. It’s a choreographed process. 2 months wait on HVAC, 1 month on electrical, roofers are quick, insulation and plumbing not so much. So it’s the timing and availability of the specific crew that is the hold up. A year ago the same house would have been slapped up in 2 to 3 months. But no, they’d never allow me to move in without being 100% done.

I’m going to work on a bottle of wine tonight after the kids go to bed, then tomorrow is a new day.

*not that I’ll finish the whole bottle but you get the idea
 

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They are mass builders, so they have crews come in and do a, b then c. It’s a choreographed process. 2 months wait on HVAC, 1 month on electrical, roofers are quick, insulation and plumbing not so much. So it’s the timing and availability of the specific crew that is the hold up. A year ago the same house would have been slapped up in 2 to 3 months. But no, they’d never allow me to move in without being 100% done.

I’m going to work on a bottle of wine tonight after the kids go to bed, then tomorrow is a new day.

*not that I’ll finish the whole bottle but you get the idea
Crap, sorry about that. 1 day at a time, my friend. hugs. We're here to vent, so vent away.
 

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Try to put your focus on the future and not dwell on the present. You will be getting a brand new house, do you realize how freaking AMAZING that is?? All yours. Your taste, your decisions, your rules. No more being made to feel like shytt by someone else. A new start for you and your kids. You’re sooo close! I’m so proud of you, stay strong and focus forward!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter · #177 ·
Try to put your focus on the future and not dwell on the present. You will be getting a brand new house, do you realize how freaking AMAZING that is?? All yours. Your taste, your decisions, your rules. No more being made to feel like shytt by someone else. A new start for you and your kids. You’re sooo close! I’m so proud of you, stay strong and focus forward!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Pinterest board house decor planning and a glass of wine really helped my state of mind last night. Thank you guys so much for your support... don’t know how I’d make it without this forum.
 

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QR......... Saw you post on several threads and I checked out yours. What a tick turd he is. How are things going for you?
 
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