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Like many cheaters, he was just having a little fun and never intended to get a divorce. So now he’s likely very shocked and dismayed that you want out. And he will probably promise anything to get you to stay. (Unless, of course, he wants to talk about what a good idea the divorce is now that he’s had time to think about it? Maybe?)

There‘s absolutely nothing easy about this. There just isn’t. But you can and will get through it and rebuild your life and be happy again. That’s what I told myself when I was going through it and it all turned out to be true. It’ll be true for you too. But you have a lot of stuff to get through first. And you will.
 

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He asked if we could “talk” tonight. The dreaded discussion is coming. The thought of it makes me sick right now, not going to lie.
Know that you don't have to be a captive audience to him. No is a complete sentence. If you don't want to talk, then don't. But you know what is best for you.

Your response to his statement earlier was *chef's kiss.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
When I get really stressed out I get this cold tingly feeling in my chest and my heart starts pounding... I have to work very hard not to have a panic attack.
Well that’s what it was like today, just dreading it. And basically he said “I’m going to back off, I know I’m not being fair and It’s making things harder on you. I’m here if you need to talk and just let me know if you need anything.” All well and good right? WRONG! “And always know I love you.”
My response was, “Right, I need to not have these little chats anymore. Thanks for trying to be nice but it’s not doing me any favors.” He held up his hands like I was telling him he was being arrested, and said “Okay got it.” Looked like a kicked puppy. And I felt bad. Can you friggin imagine that I would feel sorry for HIM? Me, the person stomped and dragged through the mud, feeling bad for the pig who drug me through it!
I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.

Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.
 

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Good for you, just keep doing the 180 for you, detach detach detach. Be calm, only engage about the kids and the house. You can do this.
 

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I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.

Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.
That came from years of loving and wanting to be his partner. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually a great thing. It's just he is unworthy of that now. Don't worry your heart will catch up. But you shouldn't feel bad about it.
 

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When I get really stressed out I get this cold tingly feeling in my chest and my heart starts pounding... I have to work very hard not to have a panic attack.
Well that’s what it was like today, just dreading it. And basically he said “I’m going to back off, I know I’m not being fair and It’s making things harder on you. I’m here if you need to talk and just let me know if you need anything.” All well and good right? WRONG! “And always know I love you.”
My response was, “Right, I need to not have these little chats anymore. Thanks for trying to be nice but it’s not doing me any favors.” He held up his hands like I was telling him he was being arrested, and said “Okay got it.” Looked like a kicked puppy. And I felt bad. Can you friggin imagine that I would feel sorry for HIM? Me, the person stomped and dragged through the mud, feeling bad for the pig who drug me through it!
I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.

Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.
This is because you are a good person who he doesn't deserve.
 

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I need to learn more about this 180 you all keep mentioning.

 

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Discussion Starter #51
Ok I get it. For the most part I’m pretty in track with this, except the happy bubbly “I don’t care” attitude which I can’t muster up or even pretend. Thank you for this info, it’s good to have a guide!
 

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Yeah, I couldn’t do happy and bubbly when I wasn’t. I‘m not that big a faker. I was very comfortable with civil but distant and kept that up for months until he moved out.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
That came from years of loving and wanting to be his partner. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually a great thing. It's just he is unworthy of that now. Don't worry your heart will catch up. But you shouldn't feel bad about it.
I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.

I’m utterly humiliated.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
Yeah, I couldn’t do happy and bubbly when I wasn’t. I‘m not that big a faker. I was very comfortable with civil but distant and kept that up for months until he moved out.
That’s just like what I’m living. 4 months can’t go soon enough. Thank you for the hope it will work out for me in the end. Need the light at the end of the tunnel.
 

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I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.

I’m utterly humiliated.
You don't need to be humiliated -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. HE is the POS that did this to you, and if your "friends" supported this by NOT telling you, they are also POS's and you need to get them out of your life. THEY should be humiliated and guilty for not having the moral fiber to tell you.
 

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Discussion Starter #57
You don't need to be humiliated -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. HE is the POS that did this to you, and if your "friends" supported this by NOT telling you, they are also POS's and you need to get them out of your life. THEY should be humiliated and guilty for not having the moral fiber to tell you.
God! I know you are right, but I’m so embarrassed. Just thinking they were behind my back thinking what an idiot I was while he ran around with his *****, pretending to care about me to my face. I mean yeah, I don’t need anyone like that in my life. It’s true. He made a mockery of me in so many ways.
Ok reeling it in. I can be better than all of them. He can have all of those “friends” for himself. It’s good that I know, it’s good that I know every person that I don’t want in my life. You’re right. Thank you.
 

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It absolutely will. I was determined that I would have a good life after the mess of my marriage and I do. So will you.
Yeah, I was the same way. My ex is as phony as they come and I think he genuinely did not understand why i couldn't paint a phony smile on my face like him. But I'm not a phony so I was civil and distant, which was fine for me. The opposite of love isn't hate....its indifference.

Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.
 

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Discussion Starter #59
Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.
It was just the suggestion on the 180 page, and the only one I don’t have in practice. Makes sense that if you seem happy without the betrayer it bothers them more, let’s them know your life is fine without them in it. but I don’t have it in me to pretend, and if I were a great actress I’d be in Hollywood not this poop pile.

By the way I’m reading ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’. Lots of science based research and studies on what happens to the victim of infidelity, and why physiologically its unnatural to stay with a cheater, which is why most relationships don’t work out afterward. Very interesting stuff, and very validating and eye opening. Also got my Chump Lady book and will get to that one next.
 

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Yeah, I was the same way. My ex is as phony as they come and I think he genuinely did not understand why i couldn't paint a phony smile on my face like him. But I'm not a phony so I was civil and distant, which was fine for me. The opposite of love isn't hate....its indifference.

Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.
Yeah, mine was a total fake with his little happy face. I’m not that way.
 
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