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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. We did counseling and a lot of talking and he finally said he wanted to work it out and everything an idiot needs to believe he actually wanted to. Three months later I get a call from a friend that she sees him with some chick in public, so I go down there and catch them together in the parking lot, god knows where they were headed but I can guess. I somehow managed to control myself and not hurt the nasty little skank or my disgusting excuse for a husband.
No I am no going to be that moron again, or ever again thank you very much. I am over all of my silly dreams of “overcoming infidelity” because I saw for myself what he was willing to ruin my life and my kids lives over, and it makes me physically sick. But here is the thing, I’m stuck in limbo until I can move out in 4 months so I feel like my healing is on hold until then, even though he is being decent now and not seeing her and being remorseful and kind because we have to live in the same house until then. (Just trust that there aren’t other options at this time and I want to keep an amicable arrangement for my own sake when negotiating the actual divorce)
Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed. On the other, I physically puked for weeks just thinking about it, then it’s panic attacks, now I just.... can’t stop thinking about it over. And over. And over. She has tried to contact him since then and coerce him into responding. He hasn’t. Which has nothing to do with my demands he is actually trying to do the decent thing until I move out because he knows he’s destroyed all of lives. Anyways. I guess I’m just lost, grieving so deeply I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Literally. Hoping for advice on how to get through this so my little kids don’t have to deal with their mom being a mess. Do the visuals ever friggin stop? Do you ever feel like you aren’t being kicked in the face when you wake up?
 

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Rest assured, I promise you without a shadow of a doubt you won't just be happy you will have laugh out loud joy again. I remember being exactly were you where when I caught the girl I asked to marry me cheating. It was brutal and I just knew I would never get over it. I WAS WRONG.

I remember thinking about it when I went to sleep and it being the first thing when I woke up. I remember it not being the first thing for about 2 seconds and then boom there it was. I remember asking the exact same question and then when people even my own mother gave me this same answer I do now, thinking, OK maybe for her but not for me. I WAS WRONG.

So here it the thing. His cheating is not a reflection on you but only on his poor character. That's it. (full stop.) Now maybe your marriage wasn't the best, but then whose is? That is marriage, if he had any character he would have tried to work on it with you and if it couldn't be worked on, leave with dignity. But that is the thing, I have a very hard time believing that the people who show their true selfish nature and cheat aren't much more likely to be the reason for the problems in the marriage to begin with.

I think you have probably started to learn a lesson about people like this man - at least I hope you have. The lesson is it's in their nature. The problem isn't outside forces it's them. Who they are. That is a very hard thing to fix, even the most remorseful have to spend a lot of energy every day fighting against it. But there are people whose nature is not to cheat. For whom the guilt of destroying another human being would not be worth an orgasm.

Now I know that all seemed like words to you. I remember. This may be, and hopefully it is the hardest thing you will ever go through in your entire life. And it's one of the worst for sure for anyone, maybe only a death of a child is worse, but you are going to get through it.

So right now you are grieving, and that is normal. You are also trying to recover from a great trauma. All normal. It's gonna take time. Your brain has to rewire. But there are some things you should do to help you.

Tell the other spouse, he deserves to know. It's the right thing to do. Don't tell your husband you are going to, just do it. If you have to wait until he moves out so be it, but that one act is a strong empowering one. It's the first step in taking back your agency. Make no mistake this is what this is. It's like rape in the sense that your husband took away your agency in your life, he took away you ability to make an informed decisions about your life and future. Time to take it back. That is part of how you get better.

If you are having trouble sleeping it's OK to go talk to your doctor and ask for something temporarily just to help you do so, so you can think clearly.

Go get some counseling. That can really help you make sense of what happened and put things into perspective, which is really hard when you are right in the middle of it. It can also help you learn what you missed. And just like I am willing to bet you will get better, I will also bet you missed signs. We all do because unfortunately you have to go through this to get it. Almost everyone has experienced this at one point in their life, it's just unfortunate for you you did after you were married with kids. But lots and lots of people have that same experience and their life turns out fine.

Post on here, and read the stories. You will see there is a very discernible pattern that cheaters follow and before long you can just tell because the stories are really all the same. There is only about 5 or 6 of them. This is depressing but a good thing because you will be very attuned to the nonsense right when it happens and you can get the **** out of dodge. (but that is for later). Also most of us have been through it and our attitude is going to help empower you. Just watch.

I highly suggest working out if you don't already do so. It is your bodies natural antidepressant. It releases endorphins and gives you tangible goals, and successes daily. Something to be proud of and results when you look in the mirror. This can go a long way to boosting your confidence. Then if there comes a time you are ready to go out there again you will be feeling like you are at your best.

Detach. Start to detach your life from your husband. Force yourself mentally to do it. It's hard but it has to be done. Your husband is now like a cancer on your life, you have to cut it out and have your daily pain of chemo to get better. You are not going to get better though if the cancer stays there.

Finally start to find your courage. What I mean by that is start to allow yourself to have some hope for your future. Yes this is a choice too. Sooner or later you are going to have to do that. There is a time to mourn and a time to get on with your life. I will give you what my Mom (who was cheated on by my father) told me was the lesson to get out of this. This was a very important bit of wisdom that she put in my life at the time when I was young, in the aftermath of my discovery, and one I tell everyone on here. (Though I have added some of my own to it.) You have to decide what you take from this. You can take that relationships are risky and never to trust again. Or once you get through it you can use it as a point of pride and most of all strength. The truth is, YES this very well may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, but after you get through it and you will, remind yourself no matter what other bad thing happens, if you can get through this you can get through anything. Many times in my life something bad will happen and I think, yeah but nothing was as bad as those 2 years. And here I am happy like it never happened.

You don't have to believe me, because it's gonna happen either way, but YOU WILL HAVE JOY AGAIN. There will be a time when you don't even think about this, and when you do it will hold no power at all. There will be a day where it's starting to wind down and you will realize the thought didn't cross your mind, and you will feel great relief because you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. The thing that gave it it's power, love will one day be gone. And you won't miss it, you may even think, he wasn't as good a husband as I thought, and my life is actually better.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I post here because there was a day I asked the same question you just did, and I felt the same way you do now. I post a lot on this site, but your post, your question is why I am here. Whenever someone asks I am sure all the other posters roll their eyes because SKM is going to post another diatribe. I post on here because people, friends, family told me the same answers and I didn't believe it, but I decided to act on it because I believed in them. I trusted that eventually I would get there even though I couldn't see it. This is my way of paying it back, because I remember. You are going to be where I am one day.

Here is some lite reading material for you in the mean time.

Something to put your hopes into.

Have hope. It's gonna be OK.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you so.much. You legit made me cry, in a good way for once. I am in counseling, and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this. I’m not sure if he is divorcing her or not.
Sadly all the signs were abundant, I just ignored them and refused to beleive he’d possibly go that far. He actually did use that phrase “I’m not happy anymore, you never showed me enough love.” And I told him I wasn’t happy either but I didn’t find another man’s #*+% to jump on. It was a choice and I can’t forgive it TWICE.
coming to terms with the end of my family and life as I know it is what’s got me depressed as well, BUT, I’d rather be alone for life than live this way.
Thank you so so so much. I REALLY needed this. I’m so glad I found you guys.
 

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Thank you so.much. You legit made me cry, in a good way for once. I am in counseling, and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this. I’m not sure if he is divorcing her or not.
Sadly all the signs were abundant, I just ignored them and refused to beleive he’d possibly go that far. He actually did use that phrase “I’m not happy anymore, you never showed me enough love.” And I told him I wasn’t happy either but I didn’t find another man’s #*+% to jump on. It was a choice and I can’t forgive it TWICE.
coming to terms with the end of my family and life as I know it is what’s got me depressed as well, BUT, I’d rather be alone for life than live this way.
Thank you so so so much. I REALLY needed this. I’m so glad I found you guys.
Your family is not over. It will just have to change. You will always have your kids. Not trying to dismiss the loss, just telling you not to assume the worst.

Sound like your head is in the right place. Standing up for yourself and refusing to accept abuse will put you on a faster track to healing now.

Keep posting and reading. You don't know it yet but you are on your way.
 

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@QuietRiot - it gets better. But, it takes time. Counseling and talking to family and friends help. The friends here on TAM help too. You will go through cycles where you get sad and angry. You blame yourself and try to find reasons why it happened. Then, you get mad at yourself for not figuring it out sooner. It is all normal.

Hugs.
 

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You will keep going because you have children who depend on you. Its not easy at.all, but only time will help. Seems weird that he has stopped seeing her now he knows you are ending the marriage but didnt before, do you think he is hoping that you will change your mind? Although you cant know that he is not still seeing her.

Is there any reason why he cant be the one to move out? It would be hard for your children to have to loose their home as well at this time. It must be hard to live in the same house, not sure I could or would do that, I would tell him to go.
 

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I continued living with my cheating ex for several months, while we worked out financial details, after I told him I was divorcing him. It was difficult in the beginning but he soon found a new girlfriend so I really didn’t see him that much. The day he finally moved out was the beginning of my new life. I’ve never looked back.
 

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.... and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this.
And her husband didn't bother to share this news with YOU?

What a guy.

You'll be amazed at how wonderful it is to be on your own after dumping an assclown. Those were the best times of my life, hands down. You'll see.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You will keep going because you have children who depend on you. Its not easy at.all, but only time will help. Seems weird that he has stopped seeing her now he knows you are ending the marriage but didnt before, do you think he is hoping that you will change your mind? Although you cant know that he is not still seeing her.

Is there any reason why he cant be the one to move out? It would be hard for your children to have to loose their home as well at this time. It must be hard to live in the same house, not sure I could or would do that, I would tell him to go.
It’s easy to be on the fence when your wife is breaking her back to do this sick monkey dance to keep you, doing everything she can to make a new relationship, giving time to “make up his mind” and having scorching hot sex every day. And when he slipped back into the behavior and affair that ended. He lost me and for the first time in 17 years is actually feeling the loss of me. And not even completely! Physically I’m still here. He keeps saying he loves me he loves me I said, than you can prove it by not leading this single lifestyle until I leave and by helping me physically and financially leave you. He is doing both. I am a SAHM by the way.
The problem is housing inventory where we live. Rental and buying, which is why I’m getting into a new build, and I was VERY lucky to even be able to get the last lot in that development for the price I did. Neither of us have the type of family that wants or has room for us to movie in, among other issues. Different rooms is the best I can do presently. I cannot live in this house permanently because it’s too much for me to take care of, it has a pool, and lots of grass, the electricity in the summer is outrageous and I simply can’t afford it and I don’t want to live “house poor”. (The housing market has shot up and the house is worth a good deal more but he is paying me out the equity)
yes I know he wants to reconcile, but he does not breech the subject because he can feel the wall around my heart and I’ve NEVER been this way, even when I caught him the first time. I’ve shut down my emotions to him this time and refuse to speak of the affair, our family or feelings.so yes at some point he will probably bring it up but I’ve already got my rebuttals planned. I’m telling you, my heart cracked into dust that day and I can’t even be attracted to him anymore. I cringe when he says he loves me and he’s sorry because I don’t care. I don’t want that brand of love. Seeing them fixed me in a way. He told her he loved her too, and being a side piece in the back of a SUV in parking lots was enough for her, so she can have that brand of love it’s nowhere enough for me. But also, he is very self serving. There’s no ego trip in it anymore for him, the affair lost its excitement and now all he’s left with is the freedom to see a not extremely attractive chick with lots and lots of baggage, he doesn’t want it. He is a very good looking man, he can find someone else to get his jollies off easily with someone less encumbered.
I’ve come to terms with just how selfish and shallow he is and I don’t see him wanting her anymore, she was used for a feeling and the cost benefit isn’t there anymore. she is obsessed and is still trying to get him to talk to her. He’s showed me the texts. It’s apparent he’s gone dark and she doesn’t like it. I’m hoping she’s not a psychopath and starts stalking our house or something. Do that after I move please.
Anyways, by no means am I safe from my heart, which is why I’m here. I’m terrified in the next 4 months he will weasel his way back in, but I’m trying to stay angry and strong. Which is probably why I feel stuck because I can’t heal when I’m protecting myself.
thanks for listening!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
And her husband didn't bother to share this news with YOU?
I thought the same thing, but then I don’t know if he ever knew my husbands name and then by relation my name. He caught them in restaurant or something and tried to fight but I guess my husband just left. That’s the story anyway, I believe it’s true judging by the texts I’ve seen from her.
I don’t think she ever gave up the details to him regarding names and how they met, I’m almost positive she and my husband planned out what they’d do if they got caught, and the pact to not give names was one of them. Yeah, nice right? I know I only have 10% of the story, I don’t care to have the other 90%. Funny that in the beginning I wanted every single detail and wanted to examine each thing he said with a microscope. Now? Keep your story and feelings to yourself. I don’t want to know anything, I saw what I needed to see. And it was worth millions of hours of explaining in those 60 seconds.
I guess for me it boils down to actions now. Words mean less than zero. It’s insulting to be told you’re loved when they stabbed you in the back thousands of times. It’s like slapping you in the face.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You mentioned "while you move out".

Why would you be the one moving out?

He should be moving out.
I don’t want nor can I take care of this house. All the money I have and child support would be into the house. My new house will be paid 50% down, and I’ll be able to afford it and have a life.
 

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You are doing great and I mean that. I’ve been where you are. I know just how tough it is.

My ex fought the divorce right up to the moment that he waltzed away with his new girlfriend. There was no possible way I could forgive him a second time (same AP as the first time). I finally woke up to who he really was and I didn’t like what I saw. He was a stranger. That was a defining moment and I’ve never forgotten it.

Your STBX is probably realizing now what he’s losing and will likely try very hard to “fix” things before you move out. He will probably promise the moon and the stars if only you’ll give him another chance. Don’t. You’ll need to stay strong — very strong — but, believe me, it’ll be worth it.
 

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Anyways, by no means am I safe from my heart, which is why I’m here. I’m terrified in the next 4 months he will weasel his way back in, but I’m trying to stay angry and strong. Which is probably why I feel stuck because I can’t heal when I’m protecting myself.
thanks for listening!
You have complete control over this. Just don't let him. Everything you wrote is correct. You don't want that type of love. It brings no value to your life. The other part is to admit and believe there is love of value out there. So you an do better.
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Here is a question for those of you with young children, how did you break the news and what did you say? Advice on the best way to do this and what not to do. I’m talking 5 to 8 age group here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You are doing great and I mean that. I’ve been where you are. I know just how tough it is.

My ex fought the divorce right up to the moment that he waltzed away with his new girlfriend. There was no possible way I could forgive him a second time (same AP as the first time). I finally woke up to who he really was and I didn’t like what I saw. He was a stranger. That was a defining moment and I’ve never forgotten it.

Your STBX is probably realizing now what he’s losing and will likely try very hard to “fix” things before you move out. He will probably promise the moon and the stars if only you’ll give him another chance. Don’t. You’ll need to stay strong — very strong — but, believe me, it’ll be worth it.
I feel exactly the same. I’ll never forgive and forget. It’s no way to live and I don’t even want to try anymore. It’s like I went from crazy all in to dead in 5 seconds. I have hope I won’t forget either. I don’t see how I can, it’s all I think about.
 

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Please, please, get a good attorney - the best! Just because your so-called husband is being cooperative now and promising you this and that, does not mean he will actually stick to it. The attorney will make sure you get what you deserve in the divorce. As soon as you can, file and get on with your life. Even before filing for divorce, get a separation agreement drawn up so that he cannot move money around or open any new loans or credit card accounts. Protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :)
 

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@QuietRiot - it gets better. But, it takes time. Counseling and talking to family and friends help. The friends here on TAM help too. You will go through cycles where you get sad and angry. You blame yourself and try to find reasons why it happened. Then, you get mad at yourself for not figuring it out sooner. It is all normal.

Hugs.
And if she reads your "book" here on TAM, she'll not have any idle time for the next 6 months or so and she'll have all her cycles validated. :) But she won't qualify for a GED-equivalent detective license like you did. Her husband didn't seem very careful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
And if she reads your "book" here on TAM, she'll not have any idle time for the next 6 months or so and she'll have all her cycles validated. :) But she won't qualify for a GED-equivalent detective license like you did. Her husband didn't seem very careful.
Every time he was caught it was because they flaunted it in public. My counselor indicated that is very atypical behavior. I am reading these stories and thinking... wow I guess I’m just kind of the same old story then. That’s disgusting and liberating all at once.
 
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