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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Not been on here for a while, just lurking I guess instead. Thing is, I'm crap really.

Just feel so bad that I / we are in this messy situation. OW and her husband don't get anywhere near the pain we do, he doesnt know and she, well, she is just deluded and adamant she did nothing wrong by having an EA with my husband.

Will I ever stop hating him? Will it ever stop hurting and triggering? I decided that as I couldn't cope it would be best to have some time apart and see how we felt. All agreed but then the logistics of it all were simply too hard to fulfil, so we agreed to just try and give each other some space as we could. WH will do anything I ask, he is showing real remorse and trying hard. My friends say that I am becoming bitter and that I will turn him away because I can't move on. I feel like no-one understands how hurt I am still after 9 months???? I am beginning to hate everyone around me, just simply because they don't understand. It is all so black and white to outsiders.

I feel so useless that I can't let this go, oh I know I never completely will but some progress would be good, just any progress.

How on earth do you know if it's the right thing to keep trying R? I have asked for IC and waiting for appointment but feel very angry that I am needing help when I didn't do anything wrong here. This sucks.

Rant over. Thanks for that.
 

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Yes, you will pay a far heavier price, either in d or r than your husband. For a choice you had no input in. It is not fair, it will never be fair. Cheating is totally black and white, until you get cheated on, then it goes all grey, because you need to try to make the best of a situation with a bunch of crappy options. Have you read any books?

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart:Amazon:Books
This one is a good one to help figure out what you want to do.

Life will get better. Start doing things to try to help yourself, just a little each day. Bit by bit, you can rebuild yourself, and have a good life.
 

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Why hasn't her husband been told? You know maybe that's why you can't move on? She's got away with it Scott free! That can't be right. Her H should be told. He needs to keep an eye on things from his side too.
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Discussion Starter #4
You are so right Daisygirl; initially she said that he knew and that is partly why my husband told me everything (had ended 4 months before), that, plus his guilt. Anyway, months later it transpires that her husband knows nothing. So she caused all this sh1t and, yep, she gets off scott free.

Very clever woman, done it before, untraceable pretty much apart from hiring a PI. I don't want to sound self-important but I have a lot to lose professionally if I do anything that may be regarded as "silly", so I do feel like that boat has sailed. I'd like to think that one day maybe but for now, its a no-go.

Voice of reason (and everyone that knows) tells me to accept that I have tried all I can, so best to let it go. If we D, then she wins again imo but it is so flipping hard.
 

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Why hasn't her husband been told? You know maybe that's why you can't move on? She's got away with it Scott free! That can't be right. Her H should be told. He needs to keep an eye on things from his side too.
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:iagree:

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But it's not best to let it go because ultimately this could be the one thing that ruins your chance to fix this.
So how does exposure to her H affect your work situation? Could you explain a bit more?
I would suggest being open and honest and just tell her H exactly what happened. If this isn't possible maybe he just requires a straightforward anonymous email or something. The first is preferable. I was told anonymously and it caused me far more hurt and stress than I'd the OWs H had just come straight out and been honest. But the point here is that if you stand any chance of moving on, he needs to know!
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There is nothing silly about exposing a cheater to their spouse. I would also like to know what field you work in that you feel it would harm you.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Basically we don't have an idea of where exactly they live (the area, yes, but despite looking, cannot trace them) or where he works, so hard to get to him. Know his name but not in any accessable public records. Have tried looking for their cars shall we say, but she has threatened to go to the police because she recognised our cars, accusing us of stalking & harassment. Any police complaint, whether or not it is thrown out or invalid in any way, must be reported in line with my employment, and is a dismissable offence so I simply cannot risk that.
 

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Still struggeling this bad after 9 months? Not saying you shouldn't be, but you sound like someone who has just discovered that A. So sorry for this, Your wound is still open and bleeding. Everyone deals with this pain differently, so, your still struggleing bad, that's ok, Just be smart about it and get professional help, which you said you are.

You have recognized that you can't fix this alone, most BS's can't, and they eventually do seek counseling. I did and it's helped.

Others won't get it because it takes being in our shoes to really understand this pain. It's intense and can consume you. We HAVE to deal with it this pain every day, every hour, others don't.

Definitely get into counseling, that should help you. You need to deal with these emotions before they paralyze you.

An affair isn't fair. You didn't ask for this, or condone it. You were blind sided, it's not fair your in this pain, that your hurting like you are.
This was something out of your control and now your stuck with the fallout.
 

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Fine, you want to know what would be fair. Tell your husband to find the OWH for you. He made the mess. Give him a time limit. Like 3 days.Then you can go have a chat with the H, that is not harrasment, he has a right to know.
 

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Don't beat yourself up that it's been 9 months and you can't get over it. It's been almost a year for me and today was one of the worst ones yet. I don't know why. We go along for a while and everything seems normal and then the triggers come...
It seems incomprehensible that the one you trusted most in the world, could bring you to ruin. I have nowhere to turn, because I'm supposed to just get over it, and yet my H's EA has crushed me and I feel guilty for not moving on. Someone on here posted that the Spouse you knew, is dead, and thats how I feel. But I don't want to divorce and it's this awful limbo of what was or what I thought was, and the reality of what it really is and my wondering why... we had a lovely life and then someone from his past came calling and told him how connected they were...I'm so distraught tonight thinking my whole life has been a sham.
 
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