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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful kids and both have successful jobs. I compare our relationship to a chocolate cake. We have all of the ingredients to make a great cake, but we are missing the chocolate! By chocolate, i mean sex! My wife has absolutely no sex drive. We have struggled with this for 15 years. I feel like it has gotten to the point where we have compromised. Well, i compromise by simply not getting any! The last time we had sex was over 3 months ago. It was, in my opinion, purely out of guilt and fulfilling her wifely duties. Believe me when I say, that is not the way I want it. Usually, when we have sex, it is a quickie or as plain jane as you can, just so that it is over as quickly as possible. In the past, i have been able to give her an orgasm, but it usually requires toys, or oral. Now, it has gotten to a point where she doesn't allow me to give her oral and using the toys is a seldom thing. I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection. I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do! Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??
 

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More info needed. Two questions to start with, have you actually talked to her and told her how you feel, and do you suspect she's getting her sexual needs met elsewhere?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
We have had hundreds of conversations about this. Sometimes the discussion would seem to help, sometimes it would turn into an argument. She has even stated to me several times that she fears that her lack of desire is going to lead to me leaving her! So, yes, i think we have had plenty of conversation about this. I have made it very clear my desire to have a physical relationship with her and that i did not want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.

I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.
 

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We have had hundreds of conversations about this. Sometimes the discussion would seem to help, sometimes it would turn into an argument. She has even stated to me several times that she fears that her lack of desire is going to lead to me leaving her! So, yes, i think we have had plenty of conversation about this. I have made it very clear my desire to have a physical relationship with her and that i did not want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.

I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.
How was her sex drive prior to marriage with you? With past lovers (if any)? How many long-term relationships before you (longer than six months) did she have?

Does she have any past trauma in her life sexually, such as abuse?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
bbdad

I know it sounds horrible, but i am glad i am not the only one out there with this issue. I just wish there was a magical solution!! I completely agree with the paying for best friend and her not having to get physical! Thanks for the advice!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
kingsfan,

When we were dating, the sex was fantastic! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing. Once, she had the ring on her finger, the need to satisfy me physicall completely went away!

She had several boyfriends, what i would consider, long-term relationships before me. Most of them were complete jerks. I am not aware of any abuse in the past, although, the way a couple of these guys treated her, i wouldn't be suprised if there was some verbal or even physical abuse that has caused some of the problem.
 

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Have you told her that divorce is not an option?

if not, don't. I'm not advising divorce, only that you don't remove it from the table in her mind. It does you no good to tell her you won't divorce if the sex life doesn't improve.

Has she offered any reasoning on why she is so adverse to sex with you?
 

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Sex is your number 1 emotional needs. It makes you feel loved, fulfilled and happy in your marriage.

What are the things that make your wife feel loved, fulfilled and happy in her marriage?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.

In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her. She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.
 

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I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection.
Never beg. It makes you feel awful and it makes your wife want you less.
I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do!
Well, you haven't left yourself much of an option. If you won't leave her and you won't cheat on her, then it really doesn't matter what she does. Since you're going to remain faithful in the marriage, she has less motivation to make you happy. If she knew that you would either cheat, or leave her, she would be more motivated to keep you happy.
Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??
I was. I found Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and it worked wonders for my marriage.
 

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kingsfan,

When we were dating, the sex was fantastic! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing. Once, she had the ring on her finger, the need to satisfy me physicall completely went away!

.
It's not bait and switch. But it should help you undertand the key to your wife's sexuality... which is (drumrolll please)...

She needs to permit herself to feel sexual. She could permit herself to feel sexual when it was a matter of attaining a man to marry. Once she attained a man to marry, she lost the "excuse" she was using to allow herself to feel sexual.

Ultimately, she will not feel sexual unless she understands that it is necessary to keep her life.

And, before you make her understand that sex is necessary to keep her life, you need to give he a life worth keeping... See my first post.
 

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I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.

In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her. She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.
What she doesn't understand is the concept of Love Languages. She trasmits love to you in the way she wants to receive it herself... Which is why she thinks you would feel loved and happy. She's sending, but you are not receiving.
 

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Mine isnt as bad as the OPs situation....yet. I feel once i'm married as long as he is, it will be.

Take last night. She was to tired for sex and didnt want to go to bed late if we had sex.

She stayed up late anyways....to finish watching the oscars. So having sex isnt a good reason to stay up late and wake up tired but finding out live who won best picture is....when it was over and told her lets have sex....she said hell no its to late and turned over and went to bed.

Yeah, i'm not to happy today. screw her
 

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I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.

In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her. She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.
I would have said "If you loved me, you'd want to be with me, because people who love someone desire them"

It's not about satisfying each other, it's about desiring each other. You want to have sex with your wife, but not because you want to satisfy her (yeah you want that too, but that's not the main reason). It's because you desire her, crave her, feel a need for her. She's not an item on the to-do list (must satisfy wife today....) but rather something you desire and crave for.

You don't want to eat that greasy hamburger so you'll feel full, you want to eat that greasy hamburger because it tastes so damn awesome and you love how it makes you feel. Same with sex with your wife, only it adds a lot more to it than just a sexual release and to be 'satisfied.' It adds in closeness, acceptance, compassion, love, a feeling of being attractive and desireable, etc. There are so many feelings that go beyond just getting your rocks off.

Have you tried explaining how you feel before, during and after sex with her?

You've put in 15 years trying to fix this and you've likely built up a lot of resentment. Have you considered a two week seperation? Sleeping in seperate bedrooms? Discussing an open marriage?
 
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I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.
Most men have the same attitude. If our wives don't want sex with us, they must not want sex at all. But that doesn't follow at all. Your wife may have a perfectly healthy libido. It's just directed toward other men, rather than toward you.

Step 1 in dealing with a spouse with little or no libido is to rule out an affair. And I don't mean to reflexively insist that your wife isn't the kind of person to cheat on you. There are numerous spouses on the Coping With Infidelity board who were equally sure their spouses would never cheat. Until they caught them cheating.

We know that your wife has no problem being cruel to you. Forcing you to be celibate for months at a time is cruel. Even if she has no sexual desire, she could suck it up and take on for the team in order to give you some release. Trust me, it's a short trip from being dismissive of your physical needs to cheating.

So check her phone records. Check her email and Facebook activity. Check her credit card statements. If you find suspicious activity, come back or post on the Coping With Infidelity board to get further advice.

Good luck.
 

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I agree with PHTLump. She very well may not be cheating, but if you can check you might as well do so and rule it out. No harm in doing so (just don't get caught).
 

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As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing.
Bait and switch is uncommon, but it happens. Usually, the desire gradually fades. In your case, it may be a bait and switch.

She had several boyfriends, what i would consider, long-term relationships before me. Most of them were complete jerks.
One possibility that explains your predicament is that your wife is attracted to jerks. However, she understands that a jerk will not make a good husband and father over the long term. So, she found a nice guy to marry. But, she can't just decide to be attracted to nice guys. She lusts for jerks, and you're just not doing it for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
She loves being secure financially, she loves being a mom, and she likes being loved. If I didn't make such a big deal about having sex, i truly believe she would feel satisfied with the relationship.
 

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Does she work? How old are your kids?
 

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When you first meet, date, you usually have a lot of crazy sex. Then you get married, have kids, get older, gained unwanted body weight. The sex does go down due to work, raising kids, and the stress of life. Some people get "comfy" and don't want or think sex is important anymore. That's when the issues start.

A sexual compromise must be met 50 / 50. So a HD guy who wants sex every day and got it before the kids, still wants it as often. If the wife has a LD, kids, doesn't feel sexy due to gained weight, stress of life, she still has to meet him half way, instead of once every few months or even years. A healthy compromise would be sex 3+ times each week. Not too much for her, but not nothing for him either, regardless of jobs or kids.
 
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