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So Last year before we were married we both had bacholer and bacholerette parties the only thing is i was 5 months pregnant so going to the movies is not what i call a party... anyways my husband went out with some of his buddies i told him i didnt want him going to a strip club in my opion that is not how you celebrate getting married he promised me he wouldnt.... got home that night super drunk i asked him if he had gone he said no just went to the bar thats it.... I had no reason to doubt him he has always been honest with me and had made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that all he asked for was honesty.... Well guess what nine months later I find out he sure went to that stripclub..... Iam very hurt by this its not even the fact that he went yes it upsets me but what hurts the most is how he lied to me for so long and i never would of found out if his brother wouldnt of slipped up one night when we were drinking.... After constantly looking at me and saying i would never lie to you blah blah blah! He says he was sorry that he made a mistake and it will never happen again... but i dont know anymore it still bothers me and i found out two months ago now its everything i dont trust him i worry if he is cheating on me or lieing about something else.... how do i moive on from this? how do I trust him again?
 

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I never mean to minimize, a concern is a concern.

But ...

Do try to maintain some perspective.

The man married you, and is having a child with you.

If you have trust issues with him beyond the scope of this event, that is one thing.

Is it important that you respect one another's boundaries? Yes.

Should the fact that he was taken to a strip club by his friends for his bachelor party, and didn't tell you the truth about it, be the hill upon which your marriage lives or dies? No.
 

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Iam not saying my marriage should end... I just dont know how to trust him its the fact that he lied to me about it for nine months and now whenever its brought up all he says is i f***ed up its like he has no remorse for it he is only sorry he got caught.... and even now it still p**ses me off how do i get over it?
 

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Yeah you have every right to be pissed off.. I would be. The fact that he doesn't even show remorse worries me, too. It was so easy for him to lie to you about the strip club, what else could he be lying to you about? He needs to know he has to earn back your trust, and it will probably take a long time to do that and a lot of effort on his part. But if you want to continue your marriage, you shouldn't continue to beat him up for it either (not saying that you are now).

Lying outright to your spouse like that is not okay. :( Hope you guys can move past this.
 

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Did you ask him everyday since then if he went? My guess is no. So he hasn't lied about it for 9 months. He lied about it once. It's not like an overdue library book - the late fee shouldn't keep going. Like Deejo, I am not trying to minimize it, just don't take the perspective that he's been lying about it the whole time.
 

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My thoughts... He figures going out to the strippers wasn't wrong, and something he is entitled to do. He probably still feels that way. So he lied to you about going because he thought he'd just get a bunch of grief. He didn't/doesn't realize that lying about it was worse than actually doing it.

It's the same reason why some guys lie about porn, or masturbating, or... To. The guy, it's no big deal. So lies to avoid getting in trouble.

C
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What IF he was TAKEN there by his buddies... I can easily see a bunch of dudes doing that against his will ...and your wishes.. what are these guys like ??

I am someone who has went with my husband to a strip club about 8 times in the past 4 yrs. (he never went in his youth, so we enjoyed it together a little in mid life - call me crazy, I thought it was FUN!!).... It was a higher class place... some women go with their guys... It is just visual entertainment. If you are very religious, I can see it being a huge deal, but like others are asking....how is his character outside of this one night? From your post, outside of this, he sounds great ! Still true?

I am not for people lying to each other, I'm really not.... but when one draws their line in the sand & would destruct a relationship over it & where the other seriously doesn't see the harm in a couple hours of visual entertainment before he gets hitched in his last moments of freedom before the wedding... knowing he would be roasted over the flames if she found out after the fact....it just gets sticky...


And it may not even be his fault -- He might have been half drunk when they brought him there... the Club atmosphere is much safer than having strippers go to a Hotel room, something else to consider.

I would sit him down, talk openly about that night, all that he remembers, allow him to vent - maybe he even wanted to get it off his chest...if so.. .this is a good sign. And if he is a good man...I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him those couple hours.
 

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Wives need to stop putting strip clubs in the same category as sex clubs. You know what is the normal course of business? Guys spend a ton of money on drinks, one of the girls walks by and gets the stupid ones to order them a drink that costs $20 or more and the guy goes home broke and horny and jerks off while passing out on the toilet.
 

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Wives need to stop putting strip clubs in the same category as sex clubs. You know what is the normal course of business? Guys spend a ton of money on drinks, one of the girls walks by and gets the stupid ones to order them a drink that costs $20 or more and the guy goes home broke and horny and jerks off while passing out on the toilet.
I didn't realize you came to my bachelor party :)
 

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I think the main issue here is that the original poster's husband promised her before that he would not go to the strip club because it was their wedding and she expressly said that she did not want him to go.
He agreed , but broke his promise.
Even after breaking the promise he lied to her for quite a period of time.

The question in her mind is how can she now trust him with other things if he chose to break a promise and lie to her about something that was so important to her.

To him it was insignificant, but to her ,
It was.
 

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A bachelor party is a little like your septic tank. There is one, you know about it, but you don't really want a lot of details. Your husband didn't plan or host his own bachelor party, so either he goes along with his buddies or he looks like a whipped dweeb. He's a guy. He'll occasionally do guy things. Don't want to hear lies? Don't insist that he behave like something he's not. Are you seriously threatened by a stripper? Or are you angry that he doesn't immediately and consistently obey your wishes?
 

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Sometimes the groom doesn't even get a say in it... Not saying breaking a promise is ok, but if he was basically pushed into it by his buddies it would be really hard to get off the hook right then and there.
 

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Wow, yea...I would be pissed.

It would really be nothing to do with the strip club, and everything to do with:

1- If he wasn't anti-strip club, why didn't he stand up and say that before the bachelor party? A simple "I am not sure what my buddies have planned for me for that night, but the tradition usually includes a club and I don't want to tell them no." Would have kick started that conversation. Sure, maybe it would have been a fight, BUT I would bet you would have resolved that fight and still gotten married as he showed you he was a man who stands up for himself.

2 - Clearly he had no problem just keeping this from you indefinitely...what else does he hide?

For me, its really more about having the balls to just face the fact that yea, I am going to make her mad sometimes, this will be ugly...but we will work through it and it needs to be done. Lying indefinitely and rugsweeping are only digging the hole deeper, and IMO are wussy behaviors.
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I think the main issue here is that the original poster's husband promised her before that he would not go to the strip club because it was their wedding and she expressly said that she did not want him to go.
He agreed , but broke his promise.
Even after breaking the promise he lied to her for quite a period of time.

The question in her mind is how can she now trust him with other things if he chose to break a promise and lie to her about something that was so important to her.

To him it was insignificant, but to her ,
It was.
:iagree: Absolutely!

This isn't about the rights or wrongs of stripclubs.

They had an agreement. He broke this. Then lied to her... the actual issue is almost irrelevant in my view.

I've been the one on the receiving end of those 'look you in the eye and swear their telling the truth' when it's all bull. It's not just the breaking of trust and the lie that hurts...it's the not being able to trust them in the future that is damaging to the relationship.

I do see how in the heat of the moment it wouldn't take much arm twisting to get a drinking bunch of guys into a strip club...even the ones who'd promised wives they wouldn't.

If that was the case he should have told her. Simple. She would have probably been pissed for a day and then ... move on. Instead all this time later it's still an issue.

The way this played out he comes across as a man who does keep his word and who lies.

OP - If your H is a good man please don't judge him on this one action. He was in the wrong IMO but we all make mistakes in life and hopefully we learn from them.

I hope your h learns the importance of honesty and integrity.
 

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The man has been kicked out of the house and he's living in an RV. There is ample evidence to believe his wife is an over-the-top drama queen and someone's shocked that she gets lied to? Anyone would be eventually afraid to trust this emotional terrorist with the truth. Want to make sure you get lied to? Punish those who tell you the truth. The only thing hubby is learning is to walk on egg shells and become expert at concealing things that might make her unhappy. Trust isn't the same as blind obedience. He damned sure can't trust her enough to expose even the slightest flaw to her but she expects 100% honesty and obedience from him?
 

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Men need to stop making excuses for their poor behaviour.
(And any woman who does it to).
It's not his mates fault. It's not her fault.

Men need to realise that honesty and trust are very important.

Also if men want to get married, but do not care enough about the woman they are marrying to do something simple, like not go to a strip club, then they shouldn't be getting married.

Just because society has normalised strip clubs etc, does not make them good and healthy, and does not mean they have a rightful place in an intimate relationship.

Many women and men are concerned about their partners going to strip clubs, they shouldn't be dismissed because lots of other people think it's normal and OK.
 
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