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Hello Everyone,

We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
Does this mean she likes giving oral or i am reading too much?

Dan
 

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Why not ask your wife? Maybe she feels embarrassed and wants to act like she doesn't like it? She sounds sexually shy.

I get super turned on from oral and know plenty of women who say the same. Ask her what would make her feel less grossed out? I have a joke with my husband about grooming, so if he wants downstairs play then he better be prepared. Showered and trimmed is a rule...I am not about to fish a pube out of my mouth in the middle of sex.
 

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Hello Everyone,

We are married for 45 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
Does this mean she likes giving oral or i am reading too much?

Dan
It may turn her on, but disgust her - and she may be disgusted with herself for getting turned on by it.

I wouldn’t push it. If she doesn’t like doing it, just accept that and move on.
 

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Hello Everyone,

We are married for 45 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
Does this mean she likes giving oral or i am reading too much?

Dan
You stated in your intro post that you and your wife are in your 40s but here you stated that you've been married for 45 years.

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been married?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Lila, yes, that was a typo. let me fix that. to answer your question, we have been married 19 years and both are in early/mid 40s.
 

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No, she's not just sexually shy or embarrassed to admit it. If she says that she doesn't like it or want it, she doesn't like it or want it.

It doesn't matter that it makes her wet - it doesn't mean it's wanted or liked. Her genitals don't say what she likes or wants, she does. Getting wet or having an orgasm when you don't like or want something is called arousal non-concordance. I found this Ted talk a while ago and it REALLY helped me to understand something i needed to understand and make sense of.

Please watch this and you'll understand all about it. It's wonderfully explained here. And please, don't anyone try to explain that she really does want it because she's wet. That thinking has a lot of very very bad implications as you'll understand better from this video.

https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_truth_about_unwanted_arousal
 

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Not strictly relevant here but I recall reading of a study which concluded that there is a natural response to threatened rape which causes many women to lubricate.

It does NOT mean that they want to be raped, nor that they enjoyed being raped - it is an evolved protective reaction which minimises the likelihood of extreme, and therefore future reproduction threatening, damage.

Unfortunately many women who are the victims of rape and display the natural protective response are unaware of its cause and can carry undeserved guilt/shame throughout their lives.
 

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Something could have possibly happened to her at a young age also or in her young life...

I don't have a problem with oral but... when my husband spoons me and lays his region against my bum and is excited I get really emotional. It triggers memories for me and I get really uncomfortable with him.

It is not that she does not love or care for you... she just doesn't like it that much
you just got to love her through that and realize that when it comes down do it be thankful you still get her every way else.

Us women are some complex creatures.. most of us anyways full of emotions try talking to her if you haven't already.
 

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Not strictly relevant here but I recall reading of a study which concluded that there is a natural response to threatened rape which causes many women to lubricate.

It does NOT mean that they want to be raped, nor that they enjoyed being raped - it is an evolved protective reaction which minimises the likelihood of extreme, and therefore future reproduction threatening, damage.

Unfortunately many women who are the victims of rape and display the natural protective response are unaware of its cause and can carry undeserved guilt/shame throughout their lives.
I think it is relevant to this. I'm no expert on psychology or biology/physiology but the video i linked to explained it, not as a protective mechanism but as your body's automatic response to sexual stimuli, wanted or unwanted. It's also not uncommon to orgasm during rape, leaving the same shame and confusion for the victim (as i well know and why i tried to learn about this). Certain aspects of the act, even unwanted, trigger a response in your body. It doesn't mean you want the act. In the video they equated it to putting an apple with a worm in it up to your lips/tongue and your mouth waters. Doesn't mean you want to eat the apple!

Now that people can understand this hopefully we don't see a bunch of people assuming that she "really wants it" and giving tips on how to get past her "sexual shyness" and admit that she really wants it.
 

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I think it is relevant to this. I'm no expert on psychology or biology/physiology but the video i linked to explained it, not as a protective mechanism but as your body's automatic response to sexual stimuli, wanted or unwanted. It's also not uncommon to orgasm during rape, leaving the same shame and confusion for the victim (as i well know and why i tried to learn about this). Certain aspects of the act, even unwanted, trigger a response in your body. It doesn't mean you want the act. In the video they equated it to putting an apple with a worm in it up to your lips/tongue and your mouth waters. Doesn't mean you want to eat the apple!

Now that people can understand this hopefully we don't see a bunch of people assuming that she "really wants it" and giving tips on how to get past her "sexual shyness" and admit that she really wants it.
You don't want to eat the worm!

But you still want to eat the apple 😎.

I'm not saying "she really does want to do oral despite what she says" only she knows that and it's best to take her at her word.

The good news is if you're having frequent, sex in demand by either of you, then there's hope things may get better in this respect.

Her getting wet may, I say may, at least show she doesn't have the added problem of being so, so "repulsed" she goes bone dry and freezes up physically and emotionally.
 

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You don't want to eat the worm!

But you still want to eat the apple 😎.

I'm not saying "she really does want to do oral despite what she says" only she knows that and it's best to take her at her word.

The good news is if you're having frequent, sex in demand by either of you, then there's hope things may get better in this respect.

Her getting wet may, I say may, at least show she doesn't have the added problem of being so, so "repulsed" she goes bone dry and freezes up physically and emotionally.
I think the point is that her getting wet is totally irrelevant to her feelings on whether she wants it or not or likes it or not or is repulsed by it or not. She may be completely repulsed by it, wet or dry. She may love it, wet or dry.

If someone gets wet or has an orgasm while getting raped (to use an extreme example) there is no "at least..." related to that. None whatsoever. I know that this is not talking about rape but it's the same concept with this. If she says she doesn't want to suck and hates it, there is no "but she's wet..." and certainly not that she can't be repulsed because she didn't "go bone dry". Couldn't have been that bad for her because she "didn't go bone dry". Wow, just wow.

I have to take issue with a view that getting "so repulsed" means you go bone dry. So conversely if you don't "go bone dry" it means at least you can't be completely repulsed. Or that your level of being repulsed or not can be measured or in any way indicated by the moisture level of your vagina. This is very dangerous thinking because it can lead people to believe things like "well she said she didn't want it but she was wet so______" Fill in the blank with what? She really wants it? At least she's can't be completely repulsed? She just can't admit she wants it? She's just playing hard to get? She's just "sexually shy"?

i'm not trying to be argumentative but i feel strongly about this and some of these attitudes really are scary.
 

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No, she's not just sexually shy or embarrassed to admit it. If she says that she doesn't like it or want it, she doesn't like it or want it.
Not necessarily true. There are people who have been taught that certain sex acts are wrong and thus they do run into the conflict of enjoying something and being embarrassed/disgusted that they do. This is not dismissing your point on the arousal without desire thing. It is a very real thing. But your point is no more absolute that the other. The OP needs to be able to determine, and make sure she is being open and honest with herself as well, which way it is. And then move on accordingly.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk
 

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Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson:

"You don't want to eat the worm!

But you still want to eat the apple 😎.

I'm not saying "she really does want to do oral despite what she says" only she knows that and it's best to take her at her word.

The good news is if you're having frequent, sex in demand by either of you, then there's hope things may get better in this respect.

Her getting wet may, I say may, at least show she doesn't have the added problem of being so, so "repulsed" she goes bone dry and freezes up physically and emotionally."



I think the point is that her getting wet is totally irrelevant to her feelings on whether she wants it or not or likes it or not or is repulsed by it or not. She may be completely repulsed by it, wet or dry. She may love it, wet or dry.

If someone gets wet or has an orgasm while getting raped (to use an extreme example) there is no "at least..." related to that. None whatsoever. I know that this is not talking about rape but it's the same concept with this. If she says she doesn't want to suck and hates it, there is no "but she's wet..." and certainly not that she can't be repulsed because she didn't "go bone dry". Couldn't have been that bad for her because she "didn't go bone dry". Wow, just wow.

I have to take issue with a view that getting "so repulsed" means you go bone dry. So conversely if you don't "go bone dry" it means at least you can't be completely repulsed. Or that your level of being repulsed or not can be measured or in any way indicated by the moisture level of your vagina. This is very dangerous thinking because it can lead people to believe things like "well she said she didn't want it but she was wet so______" Fill in the blank with what? She really wants it? At least she's can't be completely repulsed? She just can't admit she wants it? She's just playing hard to get? She's just "sexually shy"?

i'm not trying to be argumentative but i feel strongly about this and some of these attitudes really are scary.
Peace; pls see the bolded.

Of course no one is saying "she really wants it despite what she's saying".
 

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Hello Everyone,

We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
Does this mean she likes giving oral or i am reading too much?

Dan
Taken from a article-

Conversely, if you feel reluctant or turned off but are wet or hard, also trust your feeling to say no. Lube is not a substitute for mental arousal, but rather a tool for helping your body catch up to your mind. Think of tickling as an analogy: it can be pleasurable, but when done against someone’s wishes, it can be very unpleasant. And even when the person being tickled is uncomfortable and asks you to stop, they will still laugh, because that is the body’s automatic reaction to tickling. Just because they laugh does not necessarily mean they want to be tickled. Just because your genitals respond to sexual stimuli does not necessarily mean that you want to have sex.
End article.

I guess then when, a man has a erection or when the partner touches it and it becomes. The partner, assumes he must want it. Mentality is probably her first thought. So this is a thread alot can learn from. I did.
 

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Crass, I know, but if DW is touching it I want it.

Oh well, I can live with that.
Exactly, but this is sometimes the double standard so many accept. Just saying....
 

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As others have said, physical arousal does not equal enjoyment - for men or women.

OP - do you do everything she wants in bed?

Sometimes its difficult to distinguish a selfish lover who just wants things that they they actively enjoy from someone who finds a particular sex act extremely unpleasant.
 

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Peace; pls see the bolded.

Of course no one is saying "she really wants it despite what she's saying".
Peace. Of course. Always.

My issue is that you think that being wet may show that she not so repulsed....

Being wet shows NOTHING about what she wants, what she likes, or what she's giving consent to. Nothing. Period.

As soon as you start to say that being wet MAY mean something about what she wants or what she feels, you have a problem. "MAY" does not change the point.

Being wet does not mean that she MAY want it. Sure, she may want it but being wet is no indicator of whether she MAY want it or not.
 

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Not necessarily true. There are people who have been taught that certain sex acts are wrong and thus they do run into the conflict of enjoying something and being embarrassed/disgusted that they do. This is not dismissing your point on the arousal without desire thing. It is a very real thing. But your point is no more absolute that the other. The OP needs to be able to determine, and make sure she is being open and honest with herself as well, which way it is. And then move on accordingly.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk
if she says she doesn't like it then he should respect that and believe her.
 
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