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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
I understand that despite the betrayal and abandonment you just can’t turn off the love you feel for her. Add in the fear of the “family” courts using the no fault divorce laws to award your adulterous wife cash and prizes, thereby relegating you to the poor house, while also making you a part time dad, and I can see your reluctance to pursue D.

While I advise for moving forward with D, I understand that I’m not the one facing the gun. If you’re going to possibly give R a chance, you must have her fight for it.

I think that @Landofblue laid out a good plan and very reasonable demands.
 

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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
MAF, classic cheater script moves. You can fix this, by swiftly removing her from your life. Winning at this point is not accepting back a cheater and being plan B, then starting a new and better life for yourself.

Stick with it, it will get better, but you have to chip away at the process aggressively.
 

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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!

You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!!

Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening.

The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.

It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.

It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.

Stick to the 180 rules

Best
 

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One of two things happens EVERY TIME in a scenario like this.

1. The cheater is dumped and then does what OP's wife is doing now.

2 The cheater carries on with the affair and ends up divorcing, either by her choice or betrayed spouse's choice.

OP, get in the driver's seat, you control where you go and how fast you get there.

You just need to figure out where you want to be.
 

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SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!

You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!!

Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening.

The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.

It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.

It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.

Stick to the 180 rules

Best
@MiddleAgedFool Please take heed of this advice to slow down. Besides, you’re not emotionally ready to make life changing decisions. Yes there are a few key demands you should make. Key among them is removal of the 2 tattoos that POS gave her, her being a complete open book, and absolutely know contact with OM or anyone that was purposely covering up for her. Then you can have her provide you a timeline of her affair. You want to know exactly what it is you’re possibly forgiving.

The timeline can also be helpful to see if it all coincides with her getting off the meds. Being off her meds doesn’t excuse her actions but I think everyone can see your wife’s not playing with a full deck. What sane woman is going to leave her family for a married guy, 14 years her senior, after only knowing him for 4 months?

I also want to repeat Anchor’s advise to stay away from the bottle. I understand that we guys tend to self medicate but that’s the last thing you need. Your daughters need their daddy thinking clearly. Since many betrayed spouses tend to lose a lot of wait on the heartbreak diet that adultery causes, you should look into some calorie replacement drinks. Ensure, Muscle Milk, etc. they will help stave off some of the muscle loss that not eating will cause. Start working out or running. Burning off the stress and nervous built up energy can help you get some sleep at night.

Keep coming back. There’s always someone in TAM that you can bounce ideas off of or if you just need someone to vent to.
 

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SLOW IT DOWN! PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD!

You don't have to do or decide anything TODAY!!!

Despite what good advice you're getting, sadly, it's going to take a long time before your head can catch up to your emotions and what actually is happening.

The standard advice is to never make a life-changing decision under emotional stress. Till then keep her at arm's length.

It's unfortunate, she's poisoned the well. You can't fix that.

It's vital to eat well, hydrate, get in regular exercise (even if it's just walking), no alcohol or recreational drugs. See an IC and use your MD if you need something to take the edge off.

Stick to the 180 rules

Best
As a betrayed spouse I cannot stress this enough.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

If she wants to fix this she will wait. Someone gave you a list of things she needs to do. Even what to say. Give it to her no matter whether you want to R or D or don't know. It gets her either invested in fixing it or gives you the certainty that she does not have what it takes. But most important, it gives you time to work a plan. Whatever plan you decide.
 

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Life eventually throws **** at us. It's practically unavoidable. Some live a charmed life, but most do not. It may be infidelity by a spouse, a horrible premature illness, a terrible debilitating accident, bad fortune in business, a victim of a random act of violence, poor genes, the death of a child, the list goes on and on. You are in the midst of one of those seemingly unfair, but very traumatic and life-altering events. How you respond will set the stage for the rest of your life.

You must do everything to help yourself get through the early stages of the shock and betrayal perpetrated by your WW. If you do not have a decent support group, seeing an IC versed in infidelity may help you move through the extreme grief, disbelief, and helplessness you are presently experiencing. Ultimately, you will understand that your old life is gone and your present world now includes a spouse who is a liar and a cheater. Acceptance of that reality will ultimately follow.
People cheat for various desires. Your wife cheated because of an infatuation with a low-life. Not only did she throw you, her children, and the marriage under the bus, but she also threw it in your face until she was unceremoniously dumped by the POS. In a matter of one day, she all of a sudden declares that she had ****ed-up and that you are the love of her life. She couldn't have been more insincere. You recognize it, everyone recognizes it.

Your emotions and thought processes are a jumbled mess right now. In time they will settle down. Again, a good IC might help facilitate that process. A bad IC can do irreparable damage. It happened to me. Do what is best for you. Co-parenting can be done quite successfully. Do not imprison yourself by staying in a terrible marriage simply for the children. It will kill you and the children will also suffer. I, personally feel that the vast majority of marriages that involve infidelity should not be saved. The betrayed spouse ultimately has to swallow what the wayward spouse did. There is never ever true peace of mind and trust ever again. Many betrayed spouses become marriage police. Not fun. I did that for a while. Once an affair becomes physical, in my mind, the wayward spouse has made a conscious decision to deminish the marriage, spouse and children to an unnacceptable degree. Your situation, in particular, where your WW's callousness and subsequent insincerity is so evident, falls into the category of an irredeemable act of betrayal. It may take you time to realize this unfortunate fact, but you will one day regardless of what you decide. If your WW simply stated from the start that she had no intention of leaving you and that her behavior was the result of simple lust, maybe, just maybe, with tremendous work on her part, reconciliation might be achievable if that is what you desired. But that is not your situation.
 

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If your WW simply stated from the start that she had no intention of leaving you and that her behavior was the result of simple lust, maybe, just maybe, with tremendous work on her part, reconciliation might be achievable if that is what you desired. But that is not your situation.
Astute advice, it does seem like she was quite calculated about this and it played out over an extended period of time. The thinking, plotting, and planning makes this kind of betrayal so much deeper and damaging. It was not that she just "f'd up" as she says... it was cold, hard calculation against MAF.
 

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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
The pills and self harm are a ploy, a manipulative tactic to keep you in place. Seems to be working

If she threatens suicide again call the police and allow them to deal with her.

she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again. When a cheater uses the word never it is like a tell in poker. Whatever they claim they will never do is exactly what they will do.

You won't feel hopeless if you leave her and go no contact. While you remain with her she will do her best to break you / get you back under control. Only you can decide when enough is enough.
 

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@MiddleAgedFool Please take heed of this advice to slow down. Besides, you’re not emotionally ready to make life changing decisions. Yes there are a few key demands you should make. Key among them is removal of the 2 tattoos that POS gave her, her being a complete open book, and absolutely know contact with OM or anyone that was purposely covering up for her. Then you can have her provide you a timeline of her affair. You want to know exactly what it is you’re possibly forgiving.

The timeline can also be helpful to see if it all coincides with her getting off the meds. Being off her meds doesn’t excuse her actions but I think everyone can see your wife’s not playing with a full deck. What sane woman is going to leave her family for a married guy, 14 years her senior, after only knowing him for 4 months?

I also want to repeat Anchor’s advise to stay away from the bottle. I understand that we guys tend to self medicate but that’s the last thing you need. Your daughters need their daddy thinking clearly. Since many betrayed spouses tend to lose a lot of wait on the heartbreak diet that adultery causes, you should look into some calorie replacement drinks. Ensure, Muscle Milk, etc. they will help stave off some of the muscle loss that not eating will cause. Start working out or running. Burning off the stress and nervous built up energy can help you get some sleep at night.

Keep coming back. There’s always someone in TAM that you can bounce ideas off of or if you just need someone to vent to.
No contact with sister and mom? How likely is that? Seems they were both involved, maybe doing tattoo as well.

What is the point of going through all the timeline stuff, especially with a nutcase? As previous poster noted, divorce is at the end of this road anyway. He already knows enough to know he would have to forgive the unforgivable. Can you imagine the mind movies remembering her tattoos? Where the h3ll are the tattoos? I can surely imagine!

Why delay the inevitable and prolong the misery? What is the percent chance that this ever resolves into even a mediocre marriage?
 

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He already knows enough to know he would have to forgive the unforgivable. Can you imagine the mind movies remembering her tattoos? Where the h3ll are the tattoos? I can surely imagine!
Yes, it would be ludicrous to accept the dish that she is serving him, even if the tattoos weren't involved.. She blatantly went off and f'd another man and she let him put his permanent ink on her body. This will be massively triggering every time he sees them.

I agree that there is no way this ends without divorce and am counting down the days until she sneaks off to see Mr. Tatttoo again. It is coming. Sex is her only currency right now and if it doesn't work on OP, she'll be running to give to Mr. Tattoo again for a small ego kibble.
 

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@MiddleAgedFool - The tattoos are, right now, everything. Nothing to be discussed until the physical evidence is GONE. Further it’s a REALLY bad sign that she didn’t already start on that process without you asking. REALLY bad. It’s a demonstration of how little regard she has for you.

Period.
Tattoo removal is expensive. Cheap to get tattoos and expensive to remove.
Don't invest in tattoos. Invest in tattoo removal companies.
That's where the money is.
 

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Yes, it would be ludicrous to accept the dish that she is serving him, even if the tattoos weren't involved.. She blatantly went off and f'd another man and she let him put his permanent ink on her body. This will be massively triggering every time he sees them.

I agree that there is no way this ends without divorce and am counting down the days until she sneaks off to see Mr. Tatttoo again. It is coming. Sex is her only currency right now and if it doesn't work on OP, she'll be running to give to Mr. Tattoo again for a small ego kibble.
I agree with you and Rus that this should be a straight to D situation but I suspect that OP is not there, which is why I advised for him to slow down until he’s emotionally ready to move. This guy just had his world wrecked and is still reeling. Give him time to gather his footing. If we all start harping on D is the only option, we will push him away just when he really needs TAM.
 

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@MiddleAgedFool Part of the reason you are in this situation is that you ignored the fact that she cheated on you previously before marriage. While ending a relationship after cheating is hard, it's the only recourse vast majority of the time. So if you make the same mistake again, realize that sooner or later you might pay the price for ignoring it a second time.

Second, as devastating as raising children in a divorce is, it is not as bad as raising them in a loveless, tumultuous marriage. We might think we do a good job of hiding it as adults, but children do pick up on things.

Lastly, I'd say protect yourself financially as much as you can (including illegal/unethical but untraceable ways), cut this cancer out of your life, and be the great example of the man you are to your children. Let it serve you as a reminder that you are a man that can act with courage to do the right thing even when it's exceptionally difficult. Divorce her, let some time pass, if she proves worthy then you can take her back. But she needs to pay the price or you'll be in the same position, except when older and more broke. Wish you the best. You're a great father and husband.
 

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Next time she threatens suicide, call 911 immediately!!!! She will be taken in for psych eval.

if she is serious about it, she willget the help she needs. If she is just trying to manipulate you (which she is), she won’t play the suicide card again.

good luck, stay strong, and do what is best FOR YOU!!!

do what you have to to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye!!!
 
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