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had consultation with lawyer, he laid out that her gone only a weekend will not count against abandonment. My state is a no fault state, i will be paying child support for two kids 10+ years and probably paying her alimony then she will get half my retirement cause we have been married the whole time i've been working. How in the hell is this fair ??? I really didn't think divorce would screw me over like this! So she basically gets to screw someone and then whats my payment for loyalty.....aw Sir you have to work another 10 years to get back what you lost....sorry for your luck.. No fault state ****.........to answer you all I have been doing 180 and just staying away as much as i can, she on other hand has already said she doesn't want to do marriage therapy. I didn't even ask her but she kinda just comes out and tells me things even when I dont ask.

at the hotel she repeatedly tells me they didn't have sex there, said he showed up on the first day and told her he wasn't leaving his wife because he needed health insurance as I guess hes self employed or something. I was her "PLAN B" just as everyone said LoL ! Everything just makes me sick. She said they have been talking for 4 months so it wasn't just a quick 1 or 2 month affair
Is this where the “cheaper to keep her” clause gets invoked?
 
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Is this where the “cheaper to keep her” clause gets invoked?
Well, I suppose he could change this to a platonic marriage, and open himself up to date others. And maybe try to encourage her to get a job before divorcing eventually. “I’ll pay the bills, you need to get a job for your personal expenses.” Type thing? I can’t think of many options for him. Swallowing his own vomit to touch the dirty ho in trying a reconciliation doesn’t seem like a good option. But I guess that’s one too.
 

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I would suggest that if he decides to allow her back it should be conditional on them getting a divorce on terms he finds acceptable and she must find a part time job. Once the youngest is in school she must work full time. All this with the understanding that if the arrangement works until the kids are old enough to leave home, they will both review their situation and decide to continue on or go their separate ways. I also agree she should pay to have the tatoos removed.
 

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Well, I suppose he could change this to a platonic marriage, and open himself up to date others. And maybe try to encourage her to get a job before divorcing eventually. “I’ll pay the bills, you need to get a job for your personal expenses.” Type thing? I can’t think of many options for him. Swallowing his own vomit to touch the dirty ho in trying a reconciliation doesn’t seem like a good option. But I guess that’s one too.
All of this just seems so complex and contorted. It will take him awhile, but hopefully he will see that there isn't anything to build on. He was bamboozled, made a fool of, disrespected, shyt on by this wayward. Nothing unusual in his plight or what she now is.

The house burnt to the ground, including the foundation. The car was totaled and burned afterwards. The marriage is a total loss. He just has to pay the bills and begin life anew. Healing can't come until he removes the cancer of the wayward from his and his kids lives.
 

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All of this just seems so complex and contorted. It will take him awhile, but hopefully he will see that there isn't anything to build on. He was bamboozled, made a fool of, disrespected, shyt on by this wayward. Nothing unusual in his plight or what she now is.

The house burnt to the ground, including the foundation. The car was totaled and burned afterwards. The marriage is a total loss. He just has to pay the bills and begin life anew. Healing can't come until he removes the cancer of the wayward from his and his kids lives.
I hope so too Rus. I was just mulling his less palatable options. There isn’t many choices in this for him. Unfortunately.
 

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I would suggest that if he decides to allow her back it should be conditional on them getting a divorce on terms he finds acceptable and she must find a part time job. Once the youngest is in school she must work full time. All this with the understanding that if the arrangement works until the kids are old enough to leave home, they will both review their situation and decide to continue on or go their separate ways. I also agree she should pay to have the tatoos removed.
She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.

Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.
 

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Why is divorce so expensive... because its worth it.

I know that divorce terms really seem unfair at the moment and don't get me started on the way the law financially incentivizes women to divorce (is it any wonder 80% of divorces are initiated by women). What I will point out is that divorce will be a lot cheaper now than it will be 10 years from now.

You comment about losing half of your retirement savings, better to lose half of 9 years worth of savings than half of 20 years worth of savings.

Better to pay spousal support based on a 9 year marriage than a 20 year marriage.

Better to lose 9 years worth of equity in a house instead of a completely paid off house.

Better to lose a cheating, lying wife when your 32 and have time to start over than to lose a lying, cheating wife at 55 and get wiped out right before retirement.

Yep, divorcing is expensive, but every year you are still together it gets more expensive.
 

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Was she with him this weekend?
I loved watching my kids, despite working all day. Thought my wife needed a break. It got absurd. She was out until after 2am 112 out of 180 nights. Then, I came across her writings in a drawer, describing her desire to " stop having sex with strangers ".
I suspect you are going to find she is cheating. I will read on to see.
 

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She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.

Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.
Sadly, this is all 100% accurate.
 

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She’s working from a place of having the upper hand here. If he divorces her she gets half, and then alimony and child support. If he keeps her, she can continue to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to mind losing her kids though she will probably use them for a payday if they are divorced. There is no bad option for her. She already took the initiative to say she’s not attending counseling so I doubt removing her tattoos painfully, likely in several visits will appeal either. She has zero incentive to do so.

Crappy situation. But I would hope OP finds it worth the $ to just get her out of his life.
She only has the upper hand if he chooses to give it to her by choice or by default / inaction.

I doubt either option will work for her practically. If they part ways and she gets support what good will it do her? She will squander it. In a sea of single moms what is the best she can expect to replace her devoted husband with?

Let's assume husband stays with her. What happens if another woman likes what she sees and acts on her desires. The loyalty the cheating wife could have depended on before isn't there anymore. What if OP decides to actively take advantage of the marriage his wife opened up by dating other women. Sure his wife can threaten divorce but if that's what she really wanted she would be pressing for divorce right now.

If OP decides to start putting his own best interests first it really doesn't matter what he choses to do, he will come out alright. Yes there will be a price but it will be a price he has chosen to pay, an outcome he has decided is acceptable. This is a happier existence than settling for whatever misery a selfish and ungrateful partner has decided for you in their own best interests.
 

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The position you find yourself in is pretty standard for a man whose wife stayed home with the kids. 10 years seems to be the magic number for the length of a marriage generating long term alimony. So, maybe you can avoid it to some extent. Jurisdictions vary on this.
Perhaps fight for 50/ 50 physical custody. Things are better for guys nowadays in this area. Not perfectly equitable but better now. That should reduce child support payments.
 

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Discussion Starter · #214 ·
im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
 

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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
Tell her that the minimum required for reconciliation is for her to have all the tattoos removed and at her own expense. This will require her to get a job. Once she’s managed to save up enough to get that done, she’ll have established that she’s capable of working to support herself.

Should make things easier on you financially once you ultimately divorce.
 

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Not sure if you’re consistently reading here but if you are, i urge you to be simple and honest in your replies to her. Something like…

“You’ve broken all trust. This will take years to repair. I am not sure you have it in you to do what it will take. I need actions not words.

Start by researching what it takes to rebuild after an affair and work on presenting me the first draft of a written plan by next weekend.

I won’t do it for you, but I will give you a couple of hints. If your plan doesn’t include these things then you might as well not even present it at all:

  1. How you plan on being no contact with the piece of **** you cheated with
  2. Complete transparency of all your electronics. I read everything and you delete nothing
  3. You have every tattoo he gave you removed. By someone other than him of course I will be there when it happens.
  4. You write down a complete timeline of your affair. What you said. What you did physically (who did what to whom). What you thought about. What you felt. How you thought about me. Each interaction.

That’s just a start. I can think of 25more things you need to do. But you need to figure out what some of those things are and present them to me.

Lastly, and this is the most important. If you still have this man in your heart, then there is no us. So figure out if you still have feelings for this man, and if you do, if you can’t see him as anyone other than the broken person who helped you destroy your family, then you might as well go be with him. I will not share your heart with any man. I need to be my partners one and only. If that’s not the case then there is no rebuilding, and no future for us.

I look forward to hearing from you with what I asked for above. Until I see that from you and you have done much of the work to fix yourself and rebuild, I will be continuing on a path to rid you and your infidelity from my life.”


That’s it my friend. Honestly state what you need to consider rebuilding and don’t stop moving away from you until you see and feel her doing it.

Please keep posting. We can only help when you interact with us.
 

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Not sure if you’re consistently reading here but if you are, i urge you to be simple and honest in your replies to her. Something like…

“You’ve broken all trust. This will take years to repair. I am not sure you have it in you to do what it will take. I need actions not words.

Start by researching what it takes to rebuild after an affair and work on presenting me the first draft of a written plan by next weekend.

I won’t do it for you, but I will give you a couple of hints. If your plan doesn’t include these things then you might as well not even present it at all:

  1. How you plan on being no contact with the piece of **** you cheated with
  2. Complete transparency of all your electronics. I read everything and you delete nothing
  3. You have every tattoo he gave you removed. By someone other than him of course I will be there when it happens.
  4. You write down a complete timeline of your affair. What you said. What you did physically (who did what to whom). What you thought about. What you felt. How you thought about me. Each interaction.

That’s just a start. I can think of 25more things you need to do. But you need to figure out what some of those things are and present them to me.

Lastly, and this is the most important. If you still have this man in your heart, then there is no us. So figure out if you still have feelings for this man, and if you do, if you can’t see him as anyone other than the broken person who helped you destroy your family, then you might as well go be with him. I will not share your heart with any man. I need to be my partners one and only. If that’s not the case then there is no rebuilding, and no future for us.

I look forward to hearing from you with what I asked for above. Until I see that from you and you have done much of the work to fix yourself and rebuild, I will be continuing on a path to rid you and your infidelity from my life.”


That’s it my friend. Honestly state what you need to consider rebuilding and don’t stop moving away from you until you see and feel her doing it.

Please keep posting. We can only help when you interact with us.
The only thing is, even if the WW begins down this road, there is high likelihood of falling off the wagon a month, year, or decade down the road. Why should the OP invest one more millisecond in this person?
 

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Tell her that the minimum required for reconciliation is for her to have all the tattoos removed and at her own expense. This will require her to get a job. Once she’s managed to save up enough to get that done, she’ll have established that she’s capable of working to support herself.

Should make things easier on you financially once you ultimately divorce.
Definitely have to get rid of the tattoos. They would be a permanent trigger.
 

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im trying to get by, she's love bombing me and saying how she f'ed up and she will never do it again, I tell her I cant be with her and she threatens suicide by taking pills.... Everything is in shambles. And my problem is Ive always been a "fixer" and I cant fix anything, everything is broken and I cant do anything about it.....I feel hopeless like it doesn't matter which way I go, I STILL LOSE !
You didn't break it. She did. She is who blew everything up. You can't fix her or everything she broke. You will win by focusing on yourself and your kids. The next time she threatens suicide, call the police and tell them that she is threatening suicide and you are concerned for her safety and the safety of your children. Actually, you should call them and recount her threats. I wouldn't want to sleep in a house with a suicidal person.
 
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