I was in a recently-ended relationship with a great-hearted person. We were together for a total of 5 five years, engaged for 2. When we began our romance, I truly felt the happiest I have ever been in my life. The reason: I had had a painful crush on him for more than a year but never found the strenght to act on it. One, he was engaged at the time, although I knew the engagement wasn't going to last for long. And two: we worked together and company policy didn't allow relationships between employees at our levels. The funny part is that all this year he had felt the same way about me! He also had a crush on me but was afraid to act on it for the exact same reasons. In addition, he was afraid of rejection. Until one day, a friend of mine whom I had shared my feelings about him, told a friend of his about the way I felt. Once, he received a confirmation that the feelings were mutual, he ended the already crashed engagement and about 10 days later called me and asked me out. We moved things very fast at the beginning. We kissed on our first date, had sex on our second, I told him that I was in love with him on our third date and met his parents after 5 days of being together! it was incredible. The most amazing feeling in the world of mutual love and affection, especially after the two of us had been dreaming about it for more than 365 days and nights. And after being lonely and unhappy in previous relationships.
Those feelings lasted about 1 - 1.5 years. While, His feelings were getting stronger and stronger with every single day, mine were declining. I was going though a very tough time at home and dealing with an unhealthy relationship with one of my parents. I was to the point where my health was being impacted, I was having nervous break-downs, depressions. I was in college and on the verge of changing jobs.
My boyfriend at the time who in this post I am going to refer to as "the boy" is a few years older than me. He is the most genuine person on the planet. But sometimes lacks motivation to thrive for his dreams and goals. About 2 years of living together, we decided to move in together. I made the decision as things at home were not to be handled anymore. This was the first time when I got a red fllag in my mind about the boy. I was questionning why someone in his mid to late 20's, who is still living at home and has no expenses would not just cut the cord and ask me, us, to move in together. Especially someone that had a plenty of feelings for me. But at the moment, he was the only thing that I had and didn't want to emphasize it and make a big deal out of it. So I made the decision for us to move out. Within less than a week, I had contacted a realtor and signed the lease. We lived together for a total of 3 years. About 1.5 years after moving in together, he asked me to marry him.
Despite the fact that he was the one and only man in my head at the time, my best friend who I did love a lot, the first thought that went through my head after being asked to marry him was "Holy sh*t, how do I say no to this? Well, just do it - being engaged doesn't mean being married and until you put your signature down, nothing is final." So I said yes. In the meantime, I finished school changed jobs, started making more and more money and got financially comfortable (for someone at my age, I was satisfied with what I was able to make and safe, although I never stopped thriving for higher goals). However, I never wanted to talk about getting married, planning a wedding, buying a house and starting a new chapter. I was never excited about it, never looked at wedding dresses and even got the smallest excitement in my belly about the thought of it. I started questionning the relationship. He was now approaching 30 and wanted to marry me more than anything but never pressed me. Always left the decisions in my heads. Was he settling down for me? Why would someone at his age be willing to stay in a wishy-washy relationship w/o getting a real commitment?
By nature I am a person that doesn't like to make decisions. I want my guy to be the head and I am ok with being the neck. While, being with my fiance, I grew up and changed. I was more independant and able to outline my ideals better. I finished school and started my first "real" job. I am a very determined person with goals and outlook of the future. I like to plan things and be prepared to react to the worst. Being alone with no parental help maybe made me this way. And while I changed and grew up so much for the first 4 years of my relationship, my guy didnt. He never finished school. He hated his job but never looked for something better. He was comfortable where he was because I made him that way. His only job was to agree with everything and acknoledge my looks and personality every day - and I respect him for that. He was my best friend as I said.
But needless to say, after starting my job and seeing all those young professionals around me, exploring new things and freedom in their lives, I started dreaming about being like them. I felt like I was too young to commit to a marriage, especially after I had to work 60-hour weeks to put myself thru school. I felt like now that I had my degree and job, I could do so much better. Would some of you find this selfish, maybe?
The truth is that I started having second thoughts about the boy and our engagement. I was tired of being the excecuter of every decision that needed to be made in the house. I felt too pressed and just wanted to be free and explore new things. I opened up to him about it and told him how I felt. The one thing that kep us together for so long was the ability to communicate. There wasn't almost anything that we could not talk about.
And that was the beginning of another long and agonizing year. Another man at work sparkled my interest. Which later turned into an obssession, still is. I found myself thinking about someone else all the time from the moment I opened eyes in the morning until my head hit the pillow at night. I was so conflicted. I was afraid to make a change. I was scared to act on any decision. Despite that I knew I wasn't complete in my relationship, the boy treated me like a queen and I was afraid of letting him go. I was afraid that unintentionally I may be willing to end my 5-year long relationshio because of this other man I met. Just like almost every other woman out there, I was afraid that I was going to be alone and unable to start something new with someone else.
I was at the bottom of my emotional state. I was in a wishy-washy relationhip with a man that was so good to me. I was blaming myself for not being able to appreciate him. But at the same time I was so incredibly unhappy and uncomplete. It's like I was afraid to admit that my relationship was over. In addition, I knew that breaking up with him would devastate him and was too concerned about that. As I said, I did talk to him about having second thoughts and being unsure in my feelings. But he was like blind. He didnt care that I wasnt in love with him anymore, he still wanted me. It felt like he was ready to settle for me. At the same time, I knew that a relationship with the guy I had a crush on would never be possible until I am in a commited relationship. I knew that no respectful man would ever approach an engaged girl. I was so unhappy! I felt so trapped and powerless to make a change yet at the same time I knew that I had all the power to do it. I was just afraid to act on it.
Until one day for yet another time I opened up to my fiance and told him how I felt. I asked him why he was still ready to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, someone not sure in their feelings for him? His response was that in one relationship he would rather be the one to love more because he realizes that feeling unsure is the worst possible feeling. So I said to him: do you realize what you just said? You know that I feel a certain way which you just descriped as the worst possible feeling in the world but you are still with me. I said, if I ever loved someone as much as you say you love me, I would let them be free and be happy. because if they are happy, I would be too no matter whether I am part of their happiness or not. That argument struck him differently that time and he decided that after a year of fighting, he has done everything in his power to have me and it's time to let go. So he moved out, despite the fact that it was the least thing that he had ever wanted.
But I realized that it is the best thing for the two of us and that time will show whether we will make this or not. It was not fair to him nor to me to live a lie. I was incredibly unhappy and uncomplete and I am sure he was too, because he didnt have my true, full myself.
Now it has been some time since we have been separated and honesly I don't miss him as much as I though i would. Yes, I do get lonely and down but I dont think that I miss him as a man in my life, i miss him as a company. He still thinks that we will get together and we have a chance. It's too soon for me to say whether we will or not. Maybe one day I will wake up realizing that I miss him and want him back. Or maybe not. But It seems that he isnt willing to wait much longer and just wants me to tell him whether he should move on or not. I dont want to hold him back.
I am still thinking about the man from work, after a little more than a year of fanatizing about him. I dont see him nor talk to him much at work. I am not sure if he likes me back or not. He knows that I am not in a relationship anymore but hasnt made any approach yet. It has been less than a month since I have been single. I have a very good intuition and am usually able to separate emotions when making a decision. But I am so confused with this man. Sometimes I feel like he likes me but sometimes I dont. Is it possible that he doesnt want to be the rebound guy? Is it possible that he doesnt want to appear like a vulture who comes after me as soon as he finds out I am single? Is it possible that he doesnt want to get serious with someone from work (altho I know that he has had a sexual only relationship with another worker)? Or is it just that he is not that into me?
How do I find out if he likes me or not without disclosing my feelings openly and making myself look stupid? Do I wait for him to make the move? Now that we are both single, nothing should stop him. I am once again scared of rejection and possibly finding out not what I want to hear. But then again, I go back 5 years ago and remember that I once had a painful crush on my ex-fiance and so did he! Without knowing. For what it's worth, the guy from work may like me back or that may just not be the case.
Anyways, the thoughts about him have monopolized my mind and are not letting me move on until I get a full closure of the way he feels. But how do I find out about the way he feels without making myself look desperate, stupid and making working together ackward?
Thanks for reading this long post and thanks for any advice, opinion and experience you may share with me!
