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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was in a recently-ended relationship with a great-hearted person. We were together for a total of 5 five years, engaged for 2. When we began our romance, I truly felt the happiest I have ever been in my life. The reason: I had had a painful crush on him for more than a year but never found the strenght to act on it. One, he was engaged at the time, although I knew the engagement wasn't going to last for long. And two: we worked together and company policy didn't allow relationships between employees at our levels. The funny part is that all this year he had felt the same way about me! He also had a crush on me but was afraid to act on it for the exact same reasons. In addition, he was afraid of rejection. Until one day, a friend of mine whom I had shared my feelings about him, told a friend of his about the way I felt. Once, he received a confirmation that the feelings were mutual, he ended the already crashed engagement and about 10 days later called me and asked me out. We moved things very fast at the beginning. We kissed on our first date, had sex on our second, I told him that I was in love with him on our third date and met his parents after 5 days of being together! it was incredible. The most amazing feeling in the world of mutual love and affection, especially after the two of us had been dreaming about it for more than 365 days and nights. And after being lonely and unhappy in previous relationships.

Those feelings lasted about 1 - 1.5 years. While, His feelings were getting stronger and stronger with every single day, mine were declining. I was going though a very tough time at home and dealing with an unhealthy relationship with one of my parents. I was to the point where my health was being impacted, I was having nervous break-downs, depressions. I was in college and on the verge of changing jobs.

My boyfriend at the time who in this post I am going to refer to as "the boy" is a few years older than me. He is the most genuine person on the planet. But sometimes lacks motivation to thrive for his dreams and goals. About 2 years of living together, we decided to move in together. I made the decision as things at home were not to be handled anymore. This was the first time when I got a red fllag in my mind about the boy. I was questionning why someone in his mid to late 20's, who is still living at home and has no expenses would not just cut the cord and ask me, us, to move in together. Especially someone that had a plenty of feelings for me. But at the moment, he was the only thing that I had and didn't want to emphasize it and make a big deal out of it. So I made the decision for us to move out. Within less than a week, I had contacted a realtor and signed the lease. We lived together for a total of 3 years. About 1.5 years after moving in together, he asked me to marry him.

Despite the fact that he was the one and only man in my head at the time, my best friend who I did love a lot, the first thought that went through my head after being asked to marry him was "Holy sh*t, how do I say no to this? Well, just do it - being engaged doesn't mean being married and until you put your signature down, nothing is final." So I said yes. In the meantime, I finished school changed jobs, started making more and more money and got financially comfortable (for someone at my age, I was satisfied with what I was able to make and safe, although I never stopped thriving for higher goals). However, I never wanted to talk about getting married, planning a wedding, buying a house and starting a new chapter. I was never excited about it, never looked at wedding dresses and even got the smallest excitement in my belly about the thought of it. I started questionning the relationship. He was now approaching 30 and wanted to marry me more than anything but never pressed me. Always left the decisions in my heads. Was he settling down for me? Why would someone at his age be willing to stay in a wishy-washy relationship w/o getting a real commitment?

By nature I am a person that doesn't like to make decisions. I want my guy to be the head and I am ok with being the neck. While, being with my fiance, I grew up and changed. I was more independant and able to outline my ideals better. I finished school and started my first "real" job. I am a very determined person with goals and outlook of the future. I like to plan things and be prepared to react to the worst. Being alone with no parental help maybe made me this way. And while I changed and grew up so much for the first 4 years of my relationship, my guy didnt. He never finished school. He hated his job but never looked for something better. He was comfortable where he was because I made him that way. His only job was to agree with everything and acknoledge my looks and personality every day - and I respect him for that. He was my best friend as I said.

But needless to say, after starting my job and seeing all those young professionals around me, exploring new things and freedom in their lives, I started dreaming about being like them. I felt like I was too young to commit to a marriage, especially after I had to work 60-hour weeks to put myself thru school. I felt like now that I had my degree and job, I could do so much better. Would some of you find this selfish, maybe?

The truth is that I started having second thoughts about the boy and our engagement. I was tired of being the excecuter of every decision that needed to be made in the house. I felt too pressed and just wanted to be free and explore new things. I opened up to him about it and told him how I felt. The one thing that kep us together for so long was the ability to communicate. There wasn't almost anything that we could not talk about.

And that was the beginning of another long and agonizing year. Another man at work sparkled my interest. Which later turned into an obssession, still is. I found myself thinking about someone else all the time from the moment I opened eyes in the morning until my head hit the pillow at night. I was so conflicted. I was afraid to make a change. I was scared to act on any decision. Despite that I knew I wasn't complete in my relationship, the boy treated me like a queen and I was afraid of letting him go. I was afraid that unintentionally I may be willing to end my 5-year long relationshio because of this other man I met. Just like almost every other woman out there, I was afraid that I was going to be alone and unable to start something new with someone else.

I was at the bottom of my emotional state. I was in a wishy-washy relationhip with a man that was so good to me. I was blaming myself for not being able to appreciate him. But at the same time I was so incredibly unhappy and uncomplete. It's like I was afraid to admit that my relationship was over. In addition, I knew that breaking up with him would devastate him and was too concerned about that. As I said, I did talk to him about having second thoughts and being unsure in my feelings. But he was like blind. He didnt care that I wasnt in love with him anymore, he still wanted me. It felt like he was ready to settle for me. At the same time, I knew that a relationship with the guy I had a crush on would never be possible until I am in a commited relationship. I knew that no respectful man would ever approach an engaged girl. I was so unhappy! I felt so trapped and powerless to make a change yet at the same time I knew that I had all the power to do it. I was just afraid to act on it.

Until one day for yet another time I opened up to my fiance and told him how I felt. I asked him why he was still ready to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, someone not sure in their feelings for him? His response was that in one relationship he would rather be the one to love more because he realizes that feeling unsure is the worst possible feeling. So I said to him: do you realize what you just said? You know that I feel a certain way which you just descriped as the worst possible feeling in the world but you are still with me. I said, if I ever loved someone as much as you say you love me, I would let them be free and be happy. because if they are happy, I would be too no matter whether I am part of their happiness or not. That argument struck him differently that time and he decided that after a year of fighting, he has done everything in his power to have me and it's time to let go. So he moved out, despite the fact that it was the least thing that he had ever wanted.

But I realized that it is the best thing for the two of us and that time will show whether we will make this or not. It was not fair to him nor to me to live a lie. I was incredibly unhappy and uncomplete and I am sure he was too, because he didnt have my true, full myself.

Now it has been some time since we have been separated and honesly I don't miss him as much as I though i would. Yes, I do get lonely and down but I dont think that I miss him as a man in my life, i miss him as a company. He still thinks that we will get together and we have a chance. It's too soon for me to say whether we will or not. Maybe one day I will wake up realizing that I miss him and want him back. Or maybe not. But It seems that he isnt willing to wait much longer and just wants me to tell him whether he should move on or not. I dont want to hold him back.

I am still thinking about the man from work, after a little more than a year of fanatizing about him. I dont see him nor talk to him much at work. I am not sure if he likes me back or not. He knows that I am not in a relationship anymore but hasnt made any approach yet. It has been less than a month since I have been single. I have a very good intuition and am usually able to separate emotions when making a decision. But I am so confused with this man. Sometimes I feel like he likes me but sometimes I dont. Is it possible that he doesnt want to be the rebound guy? Is it possible that he doesnt want to appear like a vulture who comes after me as soon as he finds out I am single? Is it possible that he doesnt want to get serious with someone from work (altho I know that he has had a sexual only relationship with another worker)? Or is it just that he is not that into me?

How do I find out if he likes me or not without disclosing my feelings openly and making myself look stupid? Do I wait for him to make the move? Now that we are both single, nothing should stop him. I am once again scared of rejection and possibly finding out not what I want to hear. But then again, I go back 5 years ago and remember that I once had a painful crush on my ex-fiance and so did he! Without knowing. For what it's worth, the guy from work may like me back or that may just not be the case.

Anyways, the thoughts about him have monopolized my mind and are not letting me move on until I get a full closure of the way he feels. But how do I find out about the way he feels without making myself look desperate, stupid and making working together ackward?

Thanks for reading this long post and thanks for any advice, opinion and experience you may share with me!
 

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Alpha,
My one concern is that you seem so vested in a relationship that does not exist, ie, new guy at work.
This seems to be a pattern for you. Are you someone who has to be in a relationship to be happy.

You did learn from the last relationship that your "crush" is a person to, a person with whom a long term relationship would require some acceptance and work on your (and his) part.

I would like to hear what a female poster thinks about your question.
Are you typical and reasonable in your expectations or is there some growing to do.

I would like to know what are you doing while single to learn and grow as a person and in your ability to be a better partner. This "in between time" is important. What can you do to prevent from rebounding on someone?

Personally I think learning to be content with yourself is an important lesson.

That does not mean you wont be lonely or desire someone, just that you are objective enough to make good choices, and enjoy your life.
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Ah, the person who always have to have something new and shiny all the time. Once you get it, it becomes old and boring. Then the new thing comes out and you need to have it.

IMO, you need to just play the field right now and not worry about the next Mr. potential husband material guy.

You are not marriage material, your career is 1st and everything else is 2nd priority right now. Or maybe your career will always be 1st and everything is comes 2nd.

And from your posts, it looks like anyone that you feel is underneath you, isn't worthy of you. Might want to look at that and see why you feel that way.

Throwing away a good person just because they're beneath you in status isn't a good policy to follow in life. Some of the best people I know will never make 6 figures or even close to 6 figures. But they are the best husband/wives in the world. Take care of their kids/spouses/parents/in-laws/etc... Money is not the main criteria for everything, family 1st. Make do with what they have.

I grew up dirt poor and to be honest, the happiest times of my life was when we had little to no money when I was young. The more successful my dad got, the more problems we had in our family.
 

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Alpha, Alpha, Alpha….girl you need to slow down. Folks are right, you are all over the place right now. Firstly, you need to be truthful with yourself. You were infatuated with some guy at work, who didn’t even have the courage to ask you out, so you made it happen. Ok no problem, and then when you did not like life on the home front, you coerced this BOY to share a home with you. You knew he wasn’t a keeper, by your response to his proposal. You weren’t honest to him with your answer, but wanted to keep him as plan B, until you could find a better situation. If he actually means anything to you, you need to cut contact with him, as he will hang around forever in the hope that you will come around. Now you are looking at the flavor of the month at work AGAIN. I suggest that you stay on your own, date all you like, that is what this time in your life should be. Develop your career, prepare for your future financially and enjoy life. Eventually, you will be ready for a real relationship with an equal partner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you guys for the quick responses.

You are correct that I am extremely vested into something that doesnt even exist - the man at work. But I am almost not able nor willing to control the thoughts about him - it's sickening. Any advice on how to handle the situation with him?

You are right that I am all over the place right now as this is exactly how I feel. Generally speaking I am not good alone and haven't really been alone that much. As a matter of fact, I moved out of my parents' house 4 yrs ago into the apartment I shared with the ex-fiance. I am just now living alone. I agree with you this should be the time for personal reflection and growth. The time I can use to learn more about myself, my standards, the things I can comprise with and the things I won't. I don't necessary agree that I look down on people that I find not worthy of me. I guess everyone wants the best for themselves and wouldn't settle for anything less and I don't think that is a bad thing. Do I tend to quickly get bored with things and lack attention? You bet I do! But I guess I am this way because I haven't found the right person. One of my friends was the same way and was really scared of commitment but when she met her husband, she said that they couldn't marry fast enough and that her body was like a ticking bomb. She couldn't wait to get married and have children and that comes from a person who also likes freedom and find it difficult to maintain interest in things. They have been married for 10+ years now and are still crazy for each other just like the first day they met.

The ex-fiance was a great guy, but does that make him great for me? He was a beautiful pair of shoes that hurt my toes. I do think about him a lot but just know that separation is the better option for both of us at the moment. And I still love him very much, I am just not in love with him.

As far as work relationships go - are they the smartest ones? For sure not but they are the most likely ones to evolve. During the week I go to work and then come home, I don't really go out. On the weekends, I go out occasionally but all you see at bars are dudes just looking to get drunk and get laid - not a fan of that either.

I guess I just need to take a deep breath, be patient, be positive, and remember that if something is meant to be mine, it will not pass me by. Time will show and I just need to give the time a little time! :) Good night
 
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