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My wife of 6 years Abruptly asked for separation on June 29th of this year. 3 weeks later she decided on divorce. We have three children ages 2 ,3, and 4. She is 28 and I am 30. I had a lot of short comings as a husband that I take responsibility for my actions. I was severely out of touch with her feelings and I did not support her emotionally. We bickered and fought all the time about silly stuff. I took the full force of the blame for this happening. I made a lot of changes during that process that I am still living out and have really turned my life around.

Immediately after she asked for separation, I did I think what most men would do and questioned whether there could be another man. My wife was essentially a stay at home mom with no income. She started in a MLM business earlier in the year was moderately successful in it. I checked phone records and actually found another man in. She claimed that the guy had nothing to do with the divorce and that he was just a person in the business that was working with her. This man is 35 and currently separated from his 3rd wife.

She ended up filing for divorce beginning of august and the divorce was final 10/1/12. She denied the relationship all the way until September and then she started admitting that they were talking but downplayed the situation extremely. I have been trying to reconcile the marriage the entire time. According to her they could only see each other approximately once a week and they talked on the phone etc. He lives with his parents with some of his children and she stayed in our house and I left.

Since September she has always contacted me and wanted to talk etc. She was very comfortable in talking about him to me. They actually stopped talking several times and she called me over “as a friend” etc. After two times of this happening (about 3 weeks ago) I decided to put an end to this. I told her that it was causing me a lot of emotional pain and that If he was in her life then I wanted nothing to do with it. I stopped contacting her and really didn’t communicate with her about anything other than the kids for three weeks.

Last Thursday I went on a date with a friend ( nothing serious, she knows about my situation) I was just trying to feel normal again. Through friends my ex wife found out about it and got extremely jealous. She called me and wanted to talk. Asked me to go to dinner with her and the kids on Friday night. Came over to my house after the kids were in bed on Saturday and then showed up at church on Sunday morning. Saturday night she broke up with the dude because she has eliminated the MLM business from her life and he decided to start selling it again against her will.

At church she pulled me in the parking lot and told me that she wanted to work it out with me and that she missed me and that she was convicted about putting our family back together. I said ok well we have a lot of talking to do so you can come over after church. She came over in the afternoon and we were talking about getting back together and she hugged me and told me that she had to tell me something. She held me close and said “ I slept with him”. I lost it and ran away out of the house and down the road. During this entire process I had thoughts of this but my ex wife has very strong Christian morals and was a virgin when we got married. She doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex. We talked and I asked for details and she provided them. It had happened multiple times beginning in July, no less than 8 possibly double digits and as recent as Friday night after she hung out with me.

After the initial shock and disgust of dealing with this, I decided that the physical part is something I can move past. She is emotionally invested and hung up the other dude. He was telling her he loved her and she was reciprocating. She says she realized that she could never be completely happy with him and that’s why she wants to try with us again. During our separation and divorce I told her that all I needed was another chance and I would prove my love for her. Now she is saying that she wants me to do that and want to hold me to my word. I made her send him a Non contact message, she sent it with out my approval and in it she brought up that despite her feelings for him she has made a decision not to be with him.

Now she is having a hard time. To me this feels like an affair and to her it feels like she didn’t care about my feelings when it started and that I should just have to deal with it. She isn’t putting much effort in it and is afraid to be alone. Ive told her several times that she isn’t ready to do this and that we need more time, that she needs more time but she says that she cant be alone because she will call him. I asked her to change her phone number and everything yesterday and she made a big deal about it yesterday. Now I am finding out that her entire family knew how serious the relationship was with the man and she lied to me the entire time about him and the months leading up to the separation she was lying to me as well, i found several messages to her sister in june of her saying she hated me and she fantasized about being happy with another man. She met him on june 23 and asked for separation on June 29. Things were rocky with us long before these dates so I am inclined to believe that he didn’t have anything to do with the decision for separation.

My opinion is this dude was the first thing to show her attention and she was so emotionally injured by me that she jumped in. He said all the right things, catered to her Christian side by praying with her etc. But now she is hung up on it, Misses him, is having a hard time. I feel like I have grown in this process but I am extremely jealous to know she was acting so cute and sweet with him and now she is shut down with me and very reserved, almost incapable of reciprocating any affection.

Its obviously moved way too fast to make any sort of decision. I think I need to back way way off again. Its too soon for her and if she doesn’t think she can resist talking to the guy for even a couple of weeks to let the dust settle than it is destined to happen again down the road. I’m not talking about jumping back in, I have been careful and we have talked about how slow this process has to go.
 

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Are you going to marriage counseling?

What do you want?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Yes counseling is coming. She doesnt want to go back to the same counselor so I am currently looking.

I want my family back together and I want the marriage that I now know can exist.
 

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Get into counseling ASAP. She is willing to go to counseling?

You need to take it slowly. This is not going to fix itself right away. You need to sit down and talk about it. She needs to be 100% committed to this, or it will fail. She is still having feelings for this guy. Has she repented what she has done? Is she genuinely sorry for this? Does she realize what she did was wrong? If she can not handle being away from this guy, you need to let her go. There is no point in getting your hopes up to find out she did this again. She should be the one making it up to you.
 

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She doesnt want to go to counseling yet. Wants to hang out first and go on a few dates. So she is testing the waters. I dont feel she is 100% committed and I don't know if she feels genuinely sorry. That feeling is beginning to make me act needy, I guess that tells me my gut is right and definitely need to back way off and let her process
 

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She doesnt want to go to counseling yet. Wants to hang out first and go on a few dates. So she is testing the waters. I dont feel she is 100% committed and I don't know if she feels genuinely sorry. That feeling is beginning to make me act needy, I guess that tells me my gut is right and definitely need to back way off and let her process
I agree. She should want to go to counseling immediately. She should be genuinely remorseful for what she did. She should do ANYTHING she can to assure you that she genuinely wants this to work.

I don't know. I wish you the best. You need to do what your heart tells you is right. If your gut tells you this is wrong, go with it.
 
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She doesnt want to go to counseling yet. Wants to hang out first and go on a few dates. So she is testing the waters. I dont feel she is 100% committed and I don't know if she feels genuinely sorry. That feeling is beginning to make me act needy, I guess that tells me my gut is right and definitely need to back way off and let her process
All of this above. Strongly suggest She was being played.
And she got basically dumped,by OM.

Fair enough you might have had some problem´s
But meeting the OM and end divorced ,that vent pretty quick.

Sorry for saying this.
And finally think about the NC letter she sent.Did you ever see it?
And the fact you asking her to change number,and what hug problem that was..

You are going to fast with this.She can come around, but you really need to know the real reason.
 

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Now she is having a hard time. To me this feels like an affair and to her it feels like she didn’t care about my feelings when it started and that I should just have to deal with it.
Sorry, I can't read farther than this line.

I just can't. :pissed:
 
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