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Ok Well I am new to this but someone told me to join some kind of Group, People that have actually been through the same thing or similar to my story.....


Well lets see me and my husband have been together for almost 7 yrs, married for 5. We have a little boy and I have a oldest by a previous relationship. Anyways what I'm trying to do is deal with the after math of two affairs. I guess you can call it that. All then less than a yr. (May 08-May 09) I never knew that I would be going through this again. Which I have been through this with the last relationship. Needless to say I was probably more shock now in this relationship because we made vows to each other.. I never thought that my husband would do this to me. The 1st time he did it it was with a close friend of his sisters friend. I started hanging out with this girl last summer but did not find out until May of this year....I dont know why it happened . The girl was going back telling him things we were talking about. Me and my husband really did not know this girl, but we were hanging out with our friends. She was the new girl ( I guess U could say ) So i did not think nothing of it of course I did not want to think it could happen again with a friend. Last relationship was ruin because my ex slept with another friend of mine . So of course you can see why it so hard to let go. Any how i had started to think something was up when she was calling him and vice versa, but it was not a everyday thing. Last summer was where we were having major problems constantly fighting. All because of this girl. Remember he had only slept with her one time. Ok now almost a year later she gets married, but this year he slept with another girl but someone he did not know. This is a complete shock to me and the wounds still seem so fresh. That's how i found out about the 1st one because he got caught with the 2nd one through some one this girl knew. Anyways he says the reason why he did not tell me about it because he was afraid i was gonna leave him, which I always told him if i found out I was gone. Well here it is I found out but I'm still here. I love him and he has changed for the better but how do I cope with this and learn to forgive. I'm still dealing with the last relationship and we have a child together. How can I cope with this with the fact we made vows... Sometimes I wish things were the way they were before we met this girl. I just need some advice on how to let it go. So much crosses my mind. He has told me everything but how do I know he is here for me and our kids. He says he does not know why he has done this and knows he has failed as a husband, says its not my fault and trying to change but no one never thought he would do this. Total shock to a lot of people...Please someone give me a insight to just learn to let go. I have agreed to stay but it is so hard to get back what we once had and it is hard work, not easy at all. I'm always gonna wonder if there is something better than this. That he wants .....

 

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What's he doing to show he has changed? And if he doesn't know why he did it (twice) what is he doing to try to find out?

He needs therapy.

He needs to be accountable to you 24/7 -- you always know where he is and who he is with, he checks in with you regularly, you have access to his cell phone and email records.

But therapy is a must. He has to learn why he did those things and come up with strategies to prevent it from happening again.

Also, no other sex "friends" for him. He can't be trusted with them.
 

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Well he is calling every time he gets off work, he is more attentive to my needs and is always telling me he is sorry, I have access to his phone records which is in my name and he has no email. He does not get on the computer. He says that he just wanted to be hanging out with young people and have fun. Well he has a friend that I think Had a big major role in it. Which that friendship is pretty much nipped in the bud, He is also married, but my marriage is far from what his marriage is, thank god (positive comment). Every one tells me he is remorse for it and feels like crap but it is just so hard We have done the marriage counseling and I just need to learn to let go.
 

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He needs individual therapy to figure out what drove him and to learn how to prevent it from happening again. If he doesn't know why he did it, there's nothing to say it won't happen again. He needs to know and to deal with it.
 

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Aranew30, I am sorry that you too are having to deal with with this. I hope that you can get into therapy. It would be in the best interest for both of you. Best wishes to you, as experiencing an affair is an extremely painful journey.
 
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