[DepressedDiva]

It's been 5 months since I discovered my WH had an 'affair' 5 years ago

I am a military wife that has been married for 19 years and have been chronically ill for 6 years. The past 6 years have been super stressful for me and I had only recently stopped grieving my life before I got sick.

I discovered through facebook that 5 years ago my spouse befriended a woman while deployed and slept with her twice. Before the affair and after the affair he had been an amazing loving dedicated spouse and devoted father. When I became ill he took me to all my doctors appointments, the whole 9 yards. I had to have brain surgery and I changed - I began having severe mood swings and gained alot of weight, in short I was no longer the woman I used to be.

We never usually argue but 5 years ago we got into a screaming match where I shoved him and he ended up choking me. A few months later his father passed away and it was an even more stressful time. At that time, despite my being severely ill the military deployed my husband and I stayed home with our children. He called me every day while deployed. During that time my spouse befriended a coworker's female friend and she asked for his email & phone number - so she could 'show him around' and lend support. He told this woman about my illness & surgery, asked her to pray for me etc. They strike up a friendship over a few months. Being nice, he helped her move and then she decides to offer him sex as payment - He decides to have sex with this woman despite knowing he has kids & a sick wife a thousand miles away :crying:

He told me he called her back a week later and had sex with her again, then never went back. He was only deployed for about 7 months. Fast foward to 5 months ago, I went to log into Facebook on our computer and he was logged in - I saw his inbox conversation with this woman -They had been Facebook friends for at least 2 years & he started chatting with her on Facebook the past year - he inquired about her family, complimented her looks, and his last message was reminiscing about the showers they took. She blocks him because she's married now and doesn't want to upset her husband When I confronted him, He lied his ass off, said it wasn't him and wouldn't admit until 24 hours later after arguing. I feel confused - yes I was betrayed but can I call a 2 night stand an 'affair'?

I am distraught & still disbelieving. I don't know whether to stay or divorce him. I keep asking him why. I can't understand why he would stay in contact with this woman. We tried to go to a MC but after 1 session they felt we should go to separate counseling. We have started separate counseling but it has been unhelpful for me. My WH says he's remorseful and that he has felt guilty for the past 5 years but I think he's only sorry he got caught, he has NOT shown remorse in my opinion. He's slept like a log the past 5 years . The grief of being chronically ill has come back full force with this revelation. I thought I had survived brain surgery with out any casualties but it looks like my marriage will be one :crying:

 

[Primrose]

He stayed in contact with her because he feels no remorse for what he did.

I'm so sorry you are here. There's no pain quite like the one of having been cheated on. It's up to you to decide if you would like to reconcile, but I promise you this; he can be a saint from here on out, but you will still live your years always second guessing him.

 

[BetrayedDad]

My WH says he's remorseful and that he has felt guilty for the past 5 years but I think he's only sorry he got caught, he has NOT shown remorse in my opinion. He's slept like a log the past 5 years.

Well there you go. He is what he is.... a POS loser. Sorry you are here.

It's fairly obvious from ACTION not words if someone is remorseful.

You can't control what he does or change the past. All you can do is respond.

So you can choose to acquiesce or you can reclaim your dignity and dump him.

I don't know about you but I'd prefer alone and with my self respect intact than him.

 

[EleGirl]

Does your husband say that he wants to remain married? If he does, he has a lot of work to do. I've listed a book below that the two of you can read to figure out what that work is.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
by Linda J. MacDonald

If he does not actually do the work, you know he's just not serious about fixing your marriage and dump him.

Or, if you have just had enough and you do not want to deal with this whole mess, dump him.

Life is way too short to deal with this kind of nonsense. You only get one life so don't let others, like him, screw with it.

What you are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself these days?

 

[DepressedDiva]

Thank you for your advice EleGirl.

He says that he wants to stay married and I actually recently bought 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' but he has been somewhat slow to read it :| He says he wants to do the work but he is a pretty unemotional guy and I just don't see him really trying, to me he hasn't shown remorse.

I've had to drag the details out of him and when I ask him why he friended and contacted her after 4-5 years he says he doesn't know why. I know for a fact he hasn't seen this woman in over 5 years - to me it looks callous to befriend & chat with her, that doesn't look like guilt/remorse to me. The fact that she blocked him and ended the 'friendship' and I can't contact her makes it harder for me to find closure......

I am still ill but not at deaths door like I was six years ago. Of course our children don't want us to divorce, knucklehead told the kids a few days after he was busted. I would have preferred not to tell our youngest child but oh well 😕

 

[stixx]

I'm not saying what he did was right but if you put yourself in his shoes for a minute- you were very ill, close to death and you gained a lot of weight.

He was away from you for long periods of time.

A man has needs. Just say'en.

 

[jorgegene]

I'm not saying what he did was right but if you put yourself in his shoes for a minute- you were very ill, close to death and you gained a lot of weight.

He was away from you for long periods of time.

A man has needs. Just say'en.

if you have needs that great, then when you take vow's, skip the parts that say "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad".

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Thank you for your advice EleGirl.

He says that he wants to stay married and I actually recently bought 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' but he has been somewhat slow to read it :| He says he wants to do the work but he is a pretty unemotional guy and I just don't see him really trying, to me he hasn't shown remorse.

I've had to drag the details out of him and when I ask him why he friended and contacted her after 4-5 years he says he doesn't know why. I know for a fact he hasn't seen this woman in over 5 years - to me it looks callous to befriend & chat with her, that doesn't look like guilt/remorse to me. The fact that she blocked him and ended the 'friendship' and I can't contact her makes it harder for me to find closure......

I am still ill but not at deaths door like I was six years ago. Of course our children don't want us to divorce, knucklehead told the kids a few days after he was busted. I would have preferred not to tell our youngest child but oh well 😕

He says he doesn't know why, because he doesn't want to say the reason. I'm sure you already know that your illness is likely the reason. And the reason he wants to stay is most likely because of the kids, not because he feels remorse. In reality, deep down inside, he probably feels justified in both what he did, and staying for the kids.

 

[Lostme]

I'm not saying what he did was right but if you put yourself in his shoes for a minute- you were very ill, close to death and you gained a lot of weight.

He was away from you for long periods of time.

A man has needs. Just say'en.

Wow no words!!!!!

 

[WorkingOnMe]

if you have needs that great, then when you take vow's, skip the parts that say "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad".

While I agree with your sentiment, I think people have a fundamental misunderstanding of the vows. You can only "vow" for yourself, so when you say to have and to hold (code for sex) in sickness and in health, you're talking about your own sickness and health, not the other person's. It wouldn't make sense to say 'I promise to have and hold whether you're sick or healthy'. That would be just a little creepy. The vow is, 'I promise to have and hold whether I'm sick or healthy'. Now, he still broke the vows. Whether she did or not is unknown.

 

[TRy]

if you have needs that great, then when you take vow's, skip the parts that say "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad".

Better yet, if that is how he feels, he should just skip getting married.

 

[DepressedDiva]

I'm not saying what he did was right but if you put yourself in his shoes for a minute- you were very ill, close to death and you gained a lot of weight.

He was away from you for long periods of time.

A man has needs. Just say'en.

A - He is in the military and should not have chose to marry if he knew he couldn't be faithful when he goes on deployment.

B - The woman he slept with was the same size as me 😑 and a few years older

C - I actually felt he was quite within his rights to leave me and pursue someone else - But no he always said that he loves me, would never choose to leave me and that he's still very attracted to me 😕

D - I'm sure then that if you ever fell ill that you'd be perfectly fine with your spouse leaving & sleeping with other people while you take care of the home & children.... No big right? You'd put yourself in his or her shoes then and be completely empathetic 😕😐

If he had chose to divorce me that year and then later met with that woman I could accept that. But no, the entire time he says he only has eyes for me 😕 I believe him when he says he never cheated before then and has not cheated since then - but why keep in contact this woman all this time? 😠

And he knows I could make his life hell if I chose to - I can get half his pension and child support

 

[Evinrude58]

A - He is in the military and should not have chose to marry if he knew he couldn't be faithful when he goes on deployment.

B - The woman he slept with was the same size as me 😑 and a few years older

C - I actually felt he was quite within his rights to leave me and pursue someone else - But no he always said that he loves me, would never choose to leave me and that he's still very attracted to me 😕

D - I'm sure then that if you ever fell ill that you'd be perfectly fine with your spouse leaving & sleeping with other people while you take care of the home & children.... No big right? You'd put yourself in his or her shoes then and be completely empathetic 😕😐

If he had chose to divorce me that year and then later met with that woman I could accept that. But no, the entire time he says he only has eyes for me 😕 I believe him when he says he never cheated before then and has not cheated since then - but why keep in contact this woman all this time? 😠

And he knows I could make his life hell if I chose to - I can get half his pension and child support

Just wanted to say-- YOU are EXACTLY right!!!!
Well stated.

 

[EleGirl]

Thank you for your advice EleGirl.

He says that he wants to stay married and I actually recently bought 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' but he has been somewhat slow to read it :| He says he wants to do the work but he is a pretty unemotional guy and I just don't see him really trying, to me he hasn't shown remorse.

I've had to drag the details out of him and when I ask him why he friended and contacted her after 4-5 years he says he doesn't know why. I know for a fact he hasn't seen this woman in over 5 years - to me it looks callous to befriend & chat with her, that doesn't look like guilt/remorse to me. The fact that she blocked him and ended the 'friendship' and I can't contact her makes it harder for me to find closure......

I am still ill but not at deaths door like I was six years ago. Of course our children don't want us to divorce, knucklehead told the kids a few days after he was busted. I would have preferred not to tell our youngest child but oh well 😕

It's completely normal for a WS to not want to talk about the affair and to give out only as much info as they absolutely have to.

You might benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Your husband cheated for a reason. It fill some void for him. In order to fix the marriage, he has to figure out why and then you both have to protect your marriage from whatever it is.

My bet is that you being sick was hard on him, and the affair was an outlet that let him escape. I know. It's not right. It's no fair. It's not an excuse. But you both have to explore this.

One of the things is that as weird as it sounds, you have to make it safe for him to talk to you about this. I'm not saying that you are not making it safe. I don't know. I'm just putting it out there. If he thinks that every time the topic comes up, you are going to fall apart, cry, or scream, etc. he's not going to talk about it.

Have you read the 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' book? If not I think it would also benefit you. If I were you, I'd stop asking him about the affair and ask him to just read the book. (the 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' book). Why? Because after that he just might be more open to talking to you about his affair.

 

[heartbroken50]

Your husband cheated for a reason. It fill some void for him. In order to fix the marriage, he has to figure out why and then you both have to protect your marriage from whatever it is.



My bet is that you being sick was hard on him, and the affair was an outlet that let him escape. I know. It's not right. It's no fair. It's not an excuse. But you both have to explore this.

Chronic illness can be a huge factor....

Mr HB has cancer, and had an online affair to escape his reality of being sick. With his OW he could be anyone... a healthy stud. Not the guy with cancer who's wife cleans up his vomit after chemo.

It's not an excuse ... he could have explored his fears with a therapist... he could have talked to his doctor, a friend, or me. Instead he threw away 25 years together, and 20 years of marriage.

We're still together - as roommates - but it will never ever be the same as he never showed me any remorse and was never willing to delve into that need to escape.





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[Vinnydee]

Sorry for your problems but as a former Army man, it is not uncommon at all for soldiers to cheat when they are away from their wives and girlfriends. We get lonely, need a woman to hold and also need to have sex. I did not do that even though I was away for a year. My ex fiancee cheated and to tell the truth, I cannot blame her. To go from a regular sex life to a year of no sex with a man is a little too much to ask. Even 6 months is too much.

Do not focus on what he did 5 years ago. Focus on what he does when he is with you. I ran into a lot of married soldiers that had a don't ask, don't tell policy with their spouses and girlfriends. Really, what is the harm if he is not taking time away from you? I know that women view it differently. Women associate sex with emotional feelings while guys just see it as a substitute for using their hand.

See my signature line below. This is what I mean about drowning in a morality that produces a 50% fail rate for monogamous marriages. No one would buy a car that might fail half of the time and yet we enter into lifetime contracts called marriage. My wife and I did not have a monogamous marriage. Hard to do that when she has a girlfriend. Despite that we never went looking for sex but if we had an occasional fling that did not risk or affect our marriage, it was not a deal breaker as long as it was the exception and not the rule.

Think about your situation. Happy, love your husband. What has changed? You have. His affair 5 years ago is long over and it did not even make a ripple in your marriage. Your life is still the same except you are letting ancient history consume you. Many couples, military and civilian who are apart for long periods of time have rules about sex with others when apart.

It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem? Is it that he did not tell you? It is better that he did not because if you do not know about it, it never happened in your world. Is it that he was emotional with another woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so anyone, male or female can share with me. Out of all the people in the world, you are the sole person who being consumed with this. Your husband is a good man. He chose you, not someone else. I also am being treated for depression. I feel a lot better when I am medicated. Without medication I am just like you. I will dwell on all the negative stuff in my life, even if it really is not important stuff. I could not let anything go until it was resolved. To be honest, the old me would be doing what you are but now I can let things go, especially if they happened in the past and do not affect my marriage.

I have had a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years of our 44 years of marriage. Mostly because my wife is bi and had a lifelong steady girlfriend. One of my friends asked me if I worried that my wife was cheating for the 3 months I was overseas on business every year. I told him that maybe she is having sex with guys every day, but as long as it does not cause any ripples in our marriage of take away from her time with me, I really do not care. She is all mine when I am home and that is all that matters to me. That does not mean that I would not be jealous but I can control that and not let it spin out of control. Try to do the same. It is done and cannot be undone. You either learn to live with it or let it destroy your marriage. The choice is yours and only yours out of all the people in the world. Good luck.

 

[DepressedDiva]

It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem? Is it that he did not tell you? It is better that he did not because if you do not know about it, it never happened in your world. Is it that he was emotional with another woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so anyone, male or female can share with me. Out of all the people in the world, you are the sole person who being consumed with this.

Yes I am angry that I had to find out through Facebook. If it was just a one time fling I'd still be angry but I'd be able to get past it somewhat faster, It's a big deal to me because he contacted her 5 years later - inquiring about her family, complementing her, and his last inbox was reminiscing about showers with her!!! That was a few weeks before our anniversary! Seriously pours salt into wounds. If she meant nothing to him why contact her years later? And she cut off communication with him, not the other way around 😡

 

[Openminded]

If he contacted her after five years, for no reason he can explain, and mentioned taking showers together, he was fishing. Thankfully, she blocked him. Otherwise, that could have easily become a sexting relationship.

 

[EleGirl]

Yes I am angry that I had to find out through Facebook. If it was just a one time fling I'd still be angry but I'd be able to get past it somewhat faster, It's a big deal to me because he contacted her 5 years later - inquiring about her family, complementing her, and his last inbox was reminiscing about showers with her!!! That was a few weeks before our anniversary! Seriously pours salt into wounds. If she meant nothing to him why contact her years later? And she cut off communication with him, not the other way around 😡

What are your plans now?

 

[TRy]

It is only a big deal now because you are making it a big deal and letting it consume you. It happened 5 years ago and he is home with you and treating you good. So what is the real problem?

I have had a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years of our 44 years of marriage.

For most people it is a big deal when their spouse cheats on them. The fact that you are OK with having had "a non monogamous marriage for about 35 years" is not a norm that most people would be OK with, and you should not pretend that it is when giving advice. If a non monogamous marriage works for you great, it is none of my business, but I for one want to validate to the OP that she has every right to be very upset, because monogamy was the deal that she and her husband made when they got married.