[Kat76]

Hi again

I have posted my story on TAM. quick update. Married almost 2 and half years and together 3 and half. H is 42 and I am 36 and we have a two year old.

Issue is my husband came out in April that he lost attraction to me yet he can't pin down why, just feels obligated to everything. We started MC back in June and our relationship, in terms of communication, as greatly improved and we are back on good terms of working together in our marriage. We have no financial issues and both work full time while raising our child. I have since gotten back in gym and am focusing on making myself happy as well while fighting for my marriage. Note: i am 3 pounds heavier than when we met. ISSUE still remains that does not feel attracted to me and thus we have not had sex in 3 months.

There is some back history to this as my husband has shared that he left his first marriage due to loss of attraction, 10 years ago, but he pinned that down to boredom in relationship. This time he just can't seem to pin it down and I almost feel like he has everything he wants in this marriage and yet he still can't be happy. Our sex life was great before it dwindled about 2 years into it.

He keeps telling me how he loves me and wants to make this work. Yet I feel like he is not able to do the work to connect the dots in counseling and is stuck on "not attracted to you." i love him and our family yet I can't live like this as it will eat alive my soul!

How long do you give for those feelings to come back? Any advice.

Also I am positive no cheating involved or heavy porn use.

 

[kingsfan]

How long into his first marriage was it before he lost attraction to his first wife?

 

[Kat76]

Hi there

He dated his first wife 6 years and was married only 18 months. He says he felt issues with lost desires at times before his marriage and within in the first year they had seperated and divorced by 18 months.

He lost desires for me right after first year and didn't admit it till year two. Stopped having sex at year 3.

 

[kingsfan]

Seems like he has issues with long-term relationships and commitments possibly. Has anything else changed in your relationship and the one he had with his ex-wife between the first year or so and the present/end?

I wonder if to him, the thrill of a relationship is the newness and change, and once things start to become 'everyday normal' that he loses interest. Everyone to a degree loses interest in sex once the newness wears off, but he seems to take it to a whole new level.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

Seems like he has issues with long-term relationships and commitments possibly.

It is simple your H can not do real commited relationships. He has gotta the wife and kids now he is bored. You doing good just work on you now.

 

[Kat76]

@kingsfan: think you hit the nail on the head and counselor says if he can't correct this he will just keep up the pattern. I attempted to spice it up and such, but he says he can't go their because he doesn't feel desire for me. So sad because I am adventurous and HD yet guess still not right for him.
We went through a lot in first year of our relationship with a death on each side of the family and some illinesses, but now that we have discussed the impact of those issues and changed our communication he still is stuck on the attracted thing.

@mrsj4sho88: you could be right and guess the question is how long do I keep waiting?

 

[kingsfan]

He may be confusing the issue for a lack of attraction. He may think that if he doesn't want to have sex with a woman, that means he's not attracted (not an uncommon mentality for a man really), when really it's a much deeper issue. He may have lost attraction to the relationship, rather than you.

Maybe a good thing you found this out now, and not after 10 years like his ex-wife.

 

[Kat76]

How do you lose attraction to the relationship?
I agree it is much deeper and I just don't see him connecting the dots in counseling like I am.
His ex wife was only 18 months married and 7 years together. He was single 10 years between the two marriages.

 

[kingsfan]

How do you lose attraction to the relationship?
I agree it is much deeper and I just don't see him connecting the dots in counseling like I am.
His ex wife was only 18 months married and 7 years together. He was single 10 years between the two marriages.

You lose attraction to the relationship by losing attraction to what brought you to the relationship. I wonder if he viewed married as a finish line, not the start line.

Think of it like a video game. You play the game, beat challenges, move up to the next level and so on. But when the game is 'beat' you shut it off and, often, don't play it again because it no longer represents a challenge to you.

I think he viewed getting married as a challenge and when he reached that goal, game over. He divorced his wife after 18 months, and he lost attraction to you likely around the same time (you say he told you in April, but I bet it began before that and only came out in April).

Out of curiousity, does he watch a lot of movies that maybe mirror your relationship, like a love story where two people come together over several obstacles, such as death, to live a fairy tale life?

 

[Kat76]

Interesting thoughts! So now he wants it to work, but can't see the forest through the trees?

He keeps saying I'd not want to divorce again, I love you. But for me I can't live or stay with someone who does not feel attracted or desires me.

He does like to watch a lot of movies and is also not a real "deep" guy as I am finding out in counseling. Likes to skim the surface. He had an alcoholic dad and a lot of rug sweeping while growing up too.

 

[kingsfan]

Interesting thoughts! So now he wants it to work, but can't see the forest through the trees?

He keeps saying I'd not want to divorce again, I love you. But for me I can't live or stay with someone who does not feel attracted or desires me.

He does like to watch a lot of movies and is also not a real "deep" guy as I am finding out in counseling. Likes to skim the surface. He had an alcoholic dad and a lot of rug sweeping while growing up too.

If he can't put his finger on the issue, yes he very well could want it to work but can't see the forest for the trees. It's hard to figure out what to do if you don't understand the problem.

He may skim the surface because he's afriad of facing his issues. It's easy to ignore your issues rather than face them.

His childhood could be a part of the problem. Maybe growing up with an dad like that in a situation where you weren't forced to face your problems led to a life where he felt like marriage would be able to give him that 'magical' life he wanted, while being able to sweep his thoughts/emotions/etc. under the rug (which I'm assuming is what you meant by 'rug sweeping') allows him to do the same now as an adult.

That last paragraph was sheer thinking aloud by me and a counsellor could delve more into it with a much truer and broader grasp on his past, but that's a possibility I'd look at as usually issues we have as adults stem from childhood problems and how we coped with them. If his childhood was a rough one, he may have felt his marriage would be much, much better and when he reached marriage and found out that it's really just ordinary life for the most part, regular day in, day out stuff, just with someone else beside him, he may have felt like he failed as well.

Does he look negatively on his father? And if so, does he look negatively on his father for anything besides the alcoholism?

I'd pay attention to the movies he watches, the material he reads, and anything he interests himself in that pertains to relationships. You may find it focuses on pre-marriage timelines (IE dating, courting, etc.) or of a solely happy, blissful marriage.

 

[MEM2020]

Kat,
Desire / love is powerful. I am starting to think that LD should be defined as either:
Low DESIRE TO PLEASE or
Sexually averse

The main point is - like it or not - sad or happy - I this will not change.

You can (sometimes, and not easily) reboot a woman's desire. But a man's desire. If you are feeling that lucky it is time to go buy a power ball ticket.

 

[Kat76]

@kingsfan: more good points to think about! I do think this goes back to childhood with, yes meant sweeping things under the rug, and he thought he could do that in marriage. To your point, life is not easy and job, wife, child and life seem like obligations to him. He actually said that in counseling.
His father was critical and he seems to have repressed anger from that and his dads drinking. Nobody seemed to have time for him.

@MEM1163: the question is if it can't change what do LD people want out of life. Guessing less? I and our life style fits all his check list items yet he doesn't desire me anymore. What will he find. A woman who ask less of him? So mind boggling to me!

 

[MEM2020]

Ah - opening the door to the never ending question: WHY?

Does it really matter? In this situation your partner:
- Does not care that they are hurting you OR
- Have a sexual aversion

And rest assured they do like the rest of the situation. They sure aren't staying out of desire/lust type desire.

@kingsfan: more good points to think about! I do think this goes back to childhood with, yes meant sweeping things under the rug, and he thought he could do that in marriage. To your point, life is not easy and job, wife, child and life seem like obligations to him. He actually said that in counseling.
His father was critical and he seems to have repressed anger from that and his dads drinking. Nobody seemed to have time for him.

@MEM1163: the question is if it can't change what do LD people want out of life. Guessing less? I and our life style fits all his check list items yet he doesn't desire me anymore. What will he find. A woman who ask less of him? So mind boggling to me!

 

[kingsfan]

What he wants most likely is a relationship in which he never reaches the ultimate goal. A constant challenge. Marriage I think was the finish line for him.

 

[Kat76]

And guessing now that I am saying we either fix this or divorce, he is buying his time?

 

[kingsfan]

what do you mean buying his time?

 

[Kat76]

I am guessing while we are in counseling to see if he can get his desire for me back, he knows he can still keep his marriage. Once we finish counseling we will have to decide what to do from there. Thus counseling is buying his time to stay in the marriage?

 

[TheMonogamista]

It's a funny thing. I also went through a period of not finding my husband desirable. Looking back, the problem was my own inability to find pleasure in life...in anything. That is a problem I have. Really a kind of depression and despair. I did find diet played into this as well (along with a lot of emotional baggage and unhelpful thoughts). Perhaps seeing a dietician or naturopath could help, if he is willing.
What has has a huge affect on how I see the world and my husband is that we have sex often--every other day, at least. It's very interesting...the longer we go without it, the further I feel from him and from the reason why we are together. As soon as we have sex, I fall back in love with him. Hope this helps.

 

[Cyrus]

Hi again

I have posted my story on TAM. quick update. Married almost 2 and half years and together 3 and half. H is 42 and I am 36 and we have a two year old.

Issue is my husband came out in April that he lost attraction to me yet he can't pin down why, just feels obligated to everything. We started MC back in June and our relationship, in terms of communication, as greatly improved and we are back on good terms of working together in our marriage. We have no financial issues and both work full time while raising our child. I have since gotten back in gym and am focusing on making myself happy as well while fighting for my marriage. Note: i am 3 pounds heavier than when we met. ISSUE still remains that does not feel attracted to me and thus we have not had sex in 3 months.

There is some back history to this as my husband has shared that he left his first marriage due to loss of attraction, 10 years ago, but he pinned that down to boredom in relationship. This time he just can't seem to pin it down and I almost feel like he has everything he wants in this marriage and yet he still can't be happy. Our sex life was great before it dwindled about 2 years into it.

He keeps telling me how he loves me and wants to make this work. Yet I feel like he is not able to do the work to connect the dots in counseling and is stuck on "not attracted to you." i love him and our family yet I can't live like this as it will eat alive my soul!

How long do you give for those feelings to come back? Any advice.

Also I am positive no cheating involved or heavy porn use.

I started to lose attraction to my wife right after our daughter was born 10 years ago. Not only did she physically change (she had an elite, fitness model body when we married), but even her personality changed from completely laid back to high strung "mom".

We had sex very infrequently after that, then after I suffered a very traumatic loss, zero sex for 2 1/2 years. All due to my disinterest in her sexually.

I started using testosterone a couple of months ago (I'm 50, my wife early 40's), and we've had more sex in the last two months than the previous eight years combined. So my advice to you is have him get his test level checked. In my case anyway, it literally made me crave sex so much that masturbation was not a viable alternative (and would never look outside). Perhaps it will work the same for your husband.