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Discussion Starter #1
I don’t know what to do. My husband greatly wants to work things out, but I just feel I can’t. As bad as things were/are I have never talked to a lawyer. I had suggested that perhaps he should find his own place in hopes of inflicting change. Nevertheless, he is the one who filed for divorce and I found out by accident doing some research on the web for a friend. I had to tell him I knew, he never told me. Here is my dilemma, with him filing and him having the affair, I feel like I can’t work through it. He keeps saying, referring to the affair, “well it wasn’t all the time” or “it has been over for 10 months” like that should make it ok. He only shows emotion on rare occasion (tears in his eyes). I do love him but there is a part of me that wants to be free.

To complicate matters, he has had three back surgeries in the past year. He was dealing with worker’s compensation, which he now has to sue. The whole thing is just a mess. If I leave he has no way of supporting himself or the kids that want to stay (My father’s health is in turmoil and I am needed back home in Oregon, currently in Oklahoma).

I feel like my life is in total limbo. I can’t win for loosing. If I stay I am giving up the opportunity to be happy and settling for the sake of others…………….everyday it is the same thing……feeling like my life is going nowhere….

Thanks for listening…..it must just be one of those days.
 

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First, your husbands situation is his own and you have to seperate that from the issue of the marriage. He cheated, lied, and hurt you. The question is can you ever forgive him?

If the answer is no then you will be miserable, and blame him for everything he has done and everything that he hasn't.

If you want to keep everything together have him move with you.

If you decide you want to be free then let go and if you have kids together then stay nice enough that you can get alone for the kids.

draconis.
 

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If I stay I am giving up the opportunity to be happy and settling for the sake of others
To me that sounds like you know what you want. You keep saying your husband wants to work through things and you don't want to. This is pretty cut and dry. He doesn't sound sincere about getting back together either. Perhaps he has realized that he can't take care of himself. A little too late if you ask me.

Go to a lawyer and find out your rights. Let him deal with how he'll take care of himself. Worry about yourself and where you are going from now on.

If you see him as keeping you from your freedom, I don't see how you'll ever see it any other way.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
We talked last night after doing the whole "Halloween" thing for about 2 hours. I think it was actually pretty good. We actually listened to one another. Nevertheless, we are going through with the divorce. We realize that no matter how much we may love each other we are not good for each other. All the things I have begged to hear for years he finally was saying "your special, beautiful" etc., emotionally it is hard. After all this time he finally see's what I have been asking for, that fuel to feed my fire, yet we know it is over........what a mess
 

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We talked last night after doing the whole "Halloween" thing for about 2 hours. I think it was actually pretty good. We actually listened to one another. Nevertheless, we are going through with the divorce. We realize that no matter how much we may love each other we are not good for each other. All the things I have begged to hear for years he finally was saying "your special, beautiful" etc., emotionally it is hard. After all this time he finally see's what I have been asking for, that fuel to feed my fire, yet we know it is over........what a mess
I'm sorry it's turned out this way, but it sounds like this is what you needed to know. Good luck.
 

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We talked last night after doing the whole "Halloween" thing for about 2 hours. I think it was actually pretty good. We actually listened to one another. Nevertheless, we are going through with the divorce. We realize that no matter how much we may love each other we are not good for each other. All the things I have begged to hear for years he finally was saying "your special, beautiful" etc., emotionally it is hard. After all this time he finally see's what I have been asking for, that fuel to feed my fire, yet we know it is over........what a mess
As a side note tell him now you know make it up to the next women. The more that men "get it" the more it will spread and sooner or later maybe everyone will get it.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I don't think he is even thinking that far ahead. Who knows maybe down the road when we both have grown as individuals we might try again, to early to say. Now it is just getting through to the next stage in our life, which is so very hard when you are not trying to hurt the ones you love.
 

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I feel your hurt and know that it is hard. When a relationship is damaged beyond repair it is hard to fix the hurt. Have faith, the right person is out there for you. For now take time and heal yourself, be strong and remember and unlock the wonderful things about yourself. You have shown on this board determination and inner strength of character. It might be hard to believe you are so special, but you have impressed me.

I wish you the best, We'll always be here for you.

draconis
 

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Kajira,
I am sorry to learn what you are going through! Its really tuff on you, but like draconis had said, You Are Special and Strong, you deserve better and i m sure its out there!

I'll be thinking of u, stay strong!
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Update:

This morning there were tears, his tears and I honeslty do not know if I was as concerned as perhaps I once would have been. I tried explaining to him in a blunt sort of way, "he made his bed now sleep in it".

I can not decide which we would be the lesser of two evils, staying or walking away. I know I do not have that fight in me anymore. I do care about him, but right now he makes me ill. I do not know if I can ever forgive him for having an affair, well 4.5years, in my eyes is a relationship.

Someday's I think I am more confused than ever. When I think there will be a break in the clouds, it starts raining again. How can I walk away from 18 years??? Yet, deep down I have to give myself a chance to be happy. Someone told my that feeling of drowing is no way to live, but through it all I do not want to hurt him...why should I care??

I feel like I am going crazy!
 

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First you need to heal yourself. How can you honestly make anyone happy if you are not happy? He was selfish period. He was there to share your life not steal it. Take care of yourself and decide if YOU want to continue. He did not care to take care of you or your feelings while he cheated for almost five years.

draconis
 

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I think his tears are a horribly manipulative display of self pity. Stick to your guns, even though it's tough. How you spend the time you have on earth is most important for your health and that of your children
 
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