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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, I'm finally ready to pour my guts out.

I call my D-Day 09/11 (9th November).

I have just came home after walking our child to school that morning. My mobile rang when I was barely through the door. It was a woman on the other end, an unfamiliar voice.

It was all pretty confusing to me at first. It was from his phone number. At first, she tried to make it sound as if it was I who made the call. I was utterly confused. After repeatedly pointing out to her that I did not make that call, she said, "Oh, it was a missed call then and I'm just calling back. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" ... This must have gone on for a good few minutes and then, it clicked. I felt the most awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and asked, "Who are you?". Her answer, "My name is xxx. I'm his 'wife' for the last 2 years". I was shell shocked. It was as if someone has just informed me he has died.

The whole teleconversation lasted for 47 minutes and 58 seconds. I shed no tears. I did not raise my voice nor call her by any name. Not even when she tried to provoke me by repeating, "What are you going to do now as a **40-something year old woman with a child (?) and by the way, I'm 21" ..... She was driven to drive in the dagger in every part of her conversation ... I asked for the phone to be passed to him. I had only one question to ask him. I wanted to know if he loves her ..... No ... I didn't get to speak to him. She tried, put the phone loudspeaker on, tried to rouse him from his drunken slumber. He was dead drunk.

** H is 11 years older than I am.

The following 7 days, I was numbed, going about routine with my child in a state of semi automatism.

I did not pick up any calls nor respond to any voice nor text messages from him for a whole week. And when I did (he left a message saying he was on the way home), I said I will send the child away and will only meet him at a neutral venue for a crisis meeting. He turned up, sat down and immediately told his side of the story. I had it all voice recorded.

She was 19 when they first met when he was flying in and out of this ex Soviet bloc country where he spent a lot of time working in in 2010. She was a document clerk in his local office there. He said he had never noticed her till about the end of 2010 when, after a presentation he had given, she came up to him, introduced herself and told him how impressed she was with his presentation and how much she liked his voice.

He claimed they became "friends" for about 5 months after that. Going out as a group with other company people whenever he was in town, like every month. He thought she was a smart little button stuck in a rut of a country. he offered to sponsor her English classes to better herself. Then the PA started .....

Sometime in early 2011, he was taken off the project in this ex Soviet bloc country. He was almost permanently home based for a few months until he left the company to joined another. From the summer of 2011, he was spending more and more time on a new project in the Middle East. This was when he made arrangements for her to reunite with him in the Emirates. And she enrolled into one of the offshore universities there, paid for by him.

Fast forward.

His story was that he ended the relationship the night before she called me. Or maybe, he told her of his intention to do so. I don't know what to believe anymore. He said she knew he is married from the word go. He said he realised he overstepped the boundaries of "friendship" and that she changed from not minding the fact that he is married to insisting on further commitments in the recent months. She was turning up at public places (restaurants, pubs) creating a scene.

I swear, till today, I never had any clue that he was leading a double life. Not a clue after analyzing and re-analyzing. I trusted him absolutely and without qualification in the 16 years we are together. I wouldn't have married him if I had a single iota of doubt about his integrity.

During our crisis meeting, I set down several mandates.

First and foremost, a medical test.

Number 2 (after finding solace and guidance, lurking on this board) - a NC letter to be handwritten by him.

Number 3 - that I do not wish for him to take up the 2nd phase of the project after the current one ends in April/May.

Yes, there were tears from him, lots of apologies for the "mistake" (God, I hate that word). And how he reckons I will never ever trust him again, and that life will be hell and he will accept that for the rest of his life.

At this stage, I still wasn't sure whether I am staying or leaving.

And at this stage, I only told a handful of people about his PA. On D-Day, our best family friend, who threatened to fly out immediately to be with me and my son, if I didn't tell someone in my family. So I told my Dad, just the barest gist, with the caveat DON'T ASK ME ANY QUESTION. It took me another fortnight before
I rang up his childhood friend and best mate in the UK (our families are very close) and then, my brother-in-law, whom I have very high regards for.

Fast forward.

Christmas hols. After 3 years of not spending Christmas in the UK, we made arrangements ( way before D-Day) to go back for Christmas with his family. Mainly for my FIL who is getting on with age and may not have many more summers and winters to go ... It was a tough time for me - trying to remain bouyant for our child, for my FIL whom I love very much.

Boxing Day when we were all supposed to gather at FIL for a big happy family slap up. On that morning, out of the blues, I asked him for his Hotmail account password. He provided it without hesitation. I went on it. It was like my 9/11 happening all over again. I went through every single one of their email correspondence from 2011 to very early 2012 and couldn't stomach the sleazy undertones and the amount of plotting to get to see each other. I cried all the way on the drive to my FIL's. i was an absolute wreck. As I later told my sister-in-law, I was capable of only 2 bodily functions that day - crying or throwing up.

Fast forward.

By New Year, when we were back home, we have sort of agreed to go on R mode. On NY Day, he wrote a NC letter, without my dictating to him the contents. In a nutshell, reiterating that their relationship is deemed to be over and that there should be no contact by electronic means or in person. That he intends to fully concentrate on his family, especially on his marriage. And that there will be no further funding of her education. This NC letter, I told him, will be sent via my solicitor.

Also, at this stage, I have included another non-negotiable mandate to our R process. Mandate number 4. We have 2 fully paid up properties in joint names. I asked that he transfers his 50% share to me, for safe keeping. He agreed. Though he did question the benefits of doing so, insisting that he would never dream of jeapordising our family assets. I haf to remind him that I, for one, have never dream that he was capable of such betrayal in the first place. Whilst, yes ... He couldn't have offload the properties without my consent, he could have willed his 50% to a 3rd party without my knowledge.

Fast forward.

Letter of NC finally Fedex'ed out by my solicitor on the 19th of this month. We have a family wedding on Thursday, the 24th. An appointment with my solicitor set up for the transfer of properties on the 25th.

After the family wedding dinner, we adjourned for some drinks. By the time we actually got home, he had too many pints. That night, he cried and cried. I have never seen him in that state before. He confessed that even though they are no longer in contact (he admitted she texted him twice since 9/11 but he didn't respond), he felt unable to let go of the emotional ties. He said he loves me and our child to bits. He said she loves him to bits and is waiting for him to go back to her. He thinks he sold her a dream (of education, a better life) and he thinks he should fulfill his bond to support her. He said he was all she has left .... He said that for the last few weeks, his mental state of mind has been affecting his work and he is in a state of depression. His sister and our family friend chortled when I told them about this latter part. They reckon he is playing the "poor little me" card.

The next morning, Friday, we headed off to my solicitor's office. He signed the Memorandum of Transfer to the properties. On the drive home, I noticed his clenched fists on the steering wheels. I asked him what's the matter. He angrily replied that he has just signed away what he has worked hard for in the last 38 years. It breaks my heart. I told him that I have absolutely no intention of doing anything with the brick and mortars. That I am holding the assets in trust, for him, for our child. I offered to reverse the procedure. He said no, what done is done.

Actually, I have already instructed my solicitor to draw up my Will. Should anything were to happen to me, all assets are to go to our child when he turns 27. I appointed H's brother and a very close family friend as our child's legal guardian, trustee and executor of my Will. None from my own family is mentioned in it.

I phoned my sister-in-law this evening after he left for the Middle East again today. I gave her the latest updates of our sad saga. Our conversation on Thursday night. The signing of the transfer forms on Friday. I assured her that I have no intentions of taking advantage of her brother. She knows I truly love him and understands that if I want to play dirty, I would have served him the D papers after he relinquished his share of our properties to me. She says she would do exactly the same thing and her brother is truly an idiot and needs to wake up and stop being do selfish. And she again apologised for her brother's "disgusting behaviour".

Right now ... I am totally, absolutely drained. Mentally, physically. I have said to family and close friends who are in the know of his PA ... And I have said to him ... I will never fight for this marriage for the sake of my child. My dad was a serial philanderer. My mum stayed married to him, to quote her, for the sake of me and my brother. My dad never changed his ways and only stopped after his dosh ran out after his retirement and I ended up having to pay for my mum's shrink bills in her twilight years as she rues for her lost youth and is battling depression.

On the other hand, if I opt to walk away, I would do it because of my child. I have asked myself what example am I setting for him by staying.

Until today, I still haven't, couldn't call him nor her by any name. In person nor in my private thoughts. It is just not me. Until today, I have never examined his passport pages nor his/our bank statements, latter of which are usually lying around in our study in the open. It irks me to learn that SHE has once rifled through his passport pages and went beserk upon finding out that he wasn't where he said he was. Someone pointed out to me that that denotes serious trust issue between them.

I can't write anymore. Am tired but relieved that I finally got around to writing this down.

Thanks for listening.
 

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Wow. Kudos for holding up as well as you have. How is your son/daughter doing through all this? Do they know that something is wrong? How old is your child?
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Boy is 12. Both mummy and daddy have always been very proud of him :) . He is a very good lad.

I don't know how much he knows .....

On Boxing Day, before going to Grandpa's house, while I was reading through H and OW's intimate emails in the past, I left the room to have a good cry ... Then, I dried up my tears, came back inside and realised that my boy has tears in his eyes ....

It transpired that as he saw me left the room in distress, he asked daddy ...

Boy : what is happening to mummy ?
Dad : i made a very bad mistake and i hurt mummy a lot and i am trying to rectify it now.
Boy : what is the worst that can happen now ?
Dad : i really dare not think about it.

So ... He knows sonething is wrong but not the whole story ... I don't think it should from me either .....
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't know whether she is still there. And he claims neither does he ... He says he told her the day he announced to her that it is time to hit it on the head, i.e to end the relationship, he also told her that it is better for her to go home.

My thought would be she is still out there. Life in ME is more liberating compares to where she came from. Moreover, her uni fees are paid for till May/June.
 

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Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What a piece of work that woman (more like girl) is. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and just shows how immature she is by trying to be even more hurtful on the phone. I hope the karma-bus comes after her and it should start with your husband not supporting her. That is skeevy on so many levels.

You have been very strong and very wise in your demands and I applaud you for thinking ahead about the assets/Will. It makes perfect sense that you don't trust him with the assets because you never expected the betrayal to happen. After being cheated on, I don't trust my ex to be alone in my house when he's here visiting the kids because I worry he's going to damage or destroy my stuff. :(

The poor-me attitude your husband has sounds like he's going through withdrawal (the pain from breaking up). This heartbreak he feels for her should of never happened because he should of never cheated and gotten romantically involved with someone else while married.

It irks me to learn that SHE has once rifled through his passport pages and went beserk upon finding out that he wasn't where he said he was. Someone pointed out to me that that denotes serious trust issue between them.
:rolleyes: Sounds like she's expecting there to be honour among thieves...

As they say, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. It's kind of hard to trust someone when you know that they're being devious and deceptive in order to be with you. As an aside, there's a disgusting message board for cheaters that I can't name. I saw posts from women being mad that their AP's were cheating on them with their own wives. It made me sick.
 

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What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.
 

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What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.
Same deal with my dad. NO ONE in my family is going to leave him any money because we have no idea what in the hell he'd do with it or who he'd spend it on. When it comes to insurance, wills, co-signing, PoA, etc we won't put his name down on anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.
Seriously ... I have always thought i married an intelligent, sensible and worldly man ... I found out that couldn't be furthest from the truth.:(
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What a piece of work that woman (more like girl) is. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and just shows how immature she is by trying to be even more hurtful on the phone. I hope the karma-bus comes after her and it should start with your husband not supporting her. That is skeevy on so many levels.

Funny thing ... At the tail end of her bombshell of a phone call, I was actually more worried about her well-being. I felt sad that she was caught up in all these (but now, in hindsight, no sympathies whatsoever as I found out she was just as devious). I told her to take care of herself and not to do anything stupid.

The NC letter and no more further funding mandate is strictly non negotiable for me. H consented. But after Thursday night, I realise that he appears to have second thoughts.

You have been very strong and very wise in your demands and I applaud you for thinking ahead about the assets/Will. It makes perfect sense that you don't trust him with the assets because you never expected the betrayal to happen. After being cheated on, I don't trust my ex to be alone in my house when he's here visiting the kids because I worry he's going to damage or destroy my stuff. :(

Thank you for your kind words. I do have my hills and valleys. There are days when I would give and do anything to have him back. And then, maybe 20% of the time, I would become very clinical assessing the situation. I've been told by some people not to push him into a corner in case it backfires. At this moment in time, I don't think it bothers me anymore. It is like H is no longer the man I knew and respected as a friend, as a spouse. I do feel obliged to call his sister yesterday to explain my stance and reason behind the transfer of props. He is angry after the signing. In an unlikely melodramatic moment on his part, he said he can see himself at the age of 70, alone and destitute, walking the streets. I assured him that neither I nor my child would abandon him should he become penniless and all alone. It also strikes me that, maybe, deep down inside, he may not admit it loud, he is really not sure whether his AP will hang around with him forever and ever !

The poor-me attitude your husband has sounds like he's going through withdrawal (the pain from breaking up). This heartbreak he feels for her should of never happened because he should of never cheated and gotten romantically involved with someone else while married.

I really don't know ..... Part of me thinks that he is just about coming out of his WS fog. He has apologised again and again for his "mistake". He has acknowledged the hurt and pain I am going through now. But maybe, it is only now the extremity of his actions hit him. I really don't know ...



:rolleyes: Sounds like she's expecting there to be honour among thieves...

As they say, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. It's kind of hard to trust someone when you know that they're being devious and deceptive in order to be with you. As an aside, there's a disgusting message board for cheaters that I can't name. I saw posts from women being mad that their AP's were cheating on them with their own wives. It made me sick.
I have been told by H that she is very jealous of me and our child. And also, in her phone call, one question she kept asking me over and over again, demanding an answer is : do you have a sexual relationship with H ? I must have answered her in the affirmative about 4 times (although I didn't talk about our woeful frequency which I, at that moment in time, blame myself for his straying).
 

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I have been told by H that she is very jealous of me and our child. And also, in her phone call, one question she kept asking me over and over again, demanding an answer is : do you have a sexual relationship with H ? I must have answered her in the affirmative about 4 times (although I didn't talk about our woeful frequency which I, at that moment in time, blame myself for his straying).
Let's get this straight - not enough sex is not a free ride to cheat. Next, a 'mistake' is forgetting to put out the trash/losing your wallet. Your husband knew exactly what he was doing. Your husband has told her that he does not have sex with you, that's why she kept asking.

Now he's back in the Middle East. I'd bet serious cash she is there too. This doesn't sound like no contact to me.

Huge respect for the way you are dealing with this and the masterstroke of securing property/assets.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Let's get this straight - not enough sex is not a free ride to cheat. Next, a 'mistake' is forgetting to put out the trash/losing your wallet. Your husband knew exactly what he was doing. Your husband has told her that he does not have sex with you, that's why she kept asking.

Now he's back in the Middle East. I'd bet serious cash she is there too. This doesn't sound like no contact to me.
I won't be surprised ... As mentioned, fees already paid up for the whole academic year and she has quite a good social life there even without him. I have this little feeling another ship has sailed into her port, if you know what I mean ...

Huge respect for the way you are dealing with this and the masterstroke of securing property/assets.


Oh, Louise ... I really wish I didn't have to do it ... I would give anything to change the circumstances ... I don't consider it a masterstroke at all. His own brother and sister have been trying to knock it into my head that I have to start thinking of myself and our child now and no one else. I am blessed that I have in-laws who love us to bits (and likewise).
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Do not for one moment blame yourself in the least regard for his behavior.

Can't help it sometimes ......

Once is maybe a "mistake" (a grave one), after that it looks like a damn obvious pattern to me.

I know ... My sentiments too ...

My heart aches for you but I am glad you have been strong and protected yourself and your child throughout. I would never have it in me to R after such deception and withdrawal behavior.
Thank you. ***hugs***
 

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**** "What are you going to do now as a **40-something year old woman with a child (?) and by the way, I'm 21" .****

My first thought about these matters is that if a younger woman could do better, she would not be wasting her time with a married man..... who would then have to share his salary and wealth with her and his STB ex wife.

But foreign women are a different kettle of fish and they are usually looking for something else....... just check out Wendy D eng's profile on Wikipedia, she definitely made a fool out of her first husband (who left his wife for her) so that she could get her green card and move on with HER life.

thank goodness this woman hasn't gotten pregnant yet.

It sounds like you have made all the right moves, telling your in laws, getting assets secured in your name and so on.

As for whether to stay with him or not, I suppose the answer will come to you soon.

Stay strong.
 

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Seriously ... I have always thought i married an intelligent, sensible and worldly man ... I found out that couldn't be furthest from the truth.:(
Trouble is some highly intelligent people can do some really weird and very hurtful things.

My wife is that way, too.

Her affair happened, I think, due to a dysfunctional childhood and the fact she is a (very) High Functioning Asperger's.
 

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Wow, you are a real class act! I like your fortitude and sharp sense.

It probably helps that is AP was a 21 year old. You can't really take it seriously yet it is so very serious, isn't it?

It would never have worked between them. Three or four years tops. He'd help her with education, clothes, car, etc and then she'd be off with some dude she met at work or clubbing. And then he would be alone with nothing. He should be thanking you endlessly for this avoided future.

I applaud you and I hope it works out for you.

He may start to resent you while on this trip. How are you monitoring him, if at all?
 

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Wow, you are a real class act! I like your fortitude and sharp sense.

It probably helps that is AP was a 21 year old. You can't really take it seriously yet it is so very serious, isn't it?

It would never have worked between them. Three or four years tops. He'd help her with education, clothes, car, etc and then she'd be off with some dude she met at work or clubbing. And then he would be alone with nothing. He should be thanking you endlessly for this avoided future.

I applaud you and I hope it works out for you.

He may start to resent you while on this trip. How are you monitoring him, if at all?
Or like in Wendy's case, managing a media empire.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
UPDATES - 10th May 2013

Yesterday was exactly 6 months past DD.

Yesterday was DD2. The affair was continuing all these while.

I told him I want a divorce.

I told him to leave the matrimonial home before our son woke up in the morning for school.

I told him any further contact will be through the lawyers.

He has a lot at stake here. Six properties, all paid up except the matrimonial home. I am now in the midst of deciding which of the two highly recommended barristers to appoint. I intend to take him to the cleaners. Yes, I am at an angry stage now. VERY ANGRY.

But I can now also concentrate on self healing. For me. For my son. The boy doesn't know yet. He has his final term exams coming up in the next few weeks. I intend to break the news to him during his mid term hols starting first of June. I will make sure he gets the best counselling available. I will stay strong because I am the only parent he's got now.

As part of the self healing, I decided to get son a dog in the very near future. STBXH hated dogs and never allowed him to have one. Son has always wanted one. I came from an animal crazy household. What a relief !! In a way, I am replacing one dog for another :D .

Onwards ... And hopefully, upwards.

I won't live with an effing coward and an effing cheat anymore.
 

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Screw that dog hating bastard!

Always remember, its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.
 
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