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I feel I and many other men are stigmatized for being a stay at home dad. I fear many relatives, friends and neighbors think I sit home and do nothing. I just had a fall out with a friend who said my wife supports me. I hope they know I work around the house and take care of our child. For that matter, I hope my wife knows the work I do. I just don't like the stigma being a stay at home dad brings.
 

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For that matter, I hope my wife knows the work I do. I just don't like the stigma being a stay at home dad brings.
/QUOTE]

:scratchhead:
Are you saying that even your wife doesn't show you much appreciation for staying home?

Something doesn't sound right here.
 

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She does. She knows it's best for us and our child. We have no one else to watch him. And she knows it's not my fault that I have not been hired. But I don't know if she appreciates the work I do. I could never outdo her. But I do work. And she will never eat what I make her. But she's a good woman and our marriage is working out better than it has.
 

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The most capable guy I know in my town is Joe. His kid is autistic and in first grade and the baby is maybe 2. His wife is an attorney. There is no way she could be doing her job if Joe wasn't there doing his. He is always so upbeat and capable. I have never seen him lose his cool. Just recently he had got his kid from the school and the kid being autistic broke away from him to run across the street where the crossing guard is. Joe yelled out to him loudly to stop. Of course he was behind a stroller, so that was all he could do at the time without running over any ladies or other kids, Joe is a big guy. Some lady rolled her eyes, like Joe was a bad guy for yelling out like that. She did not understand the kid was autistic, and that Joe had been a stay at home dad looking after him for all these years. Joe used to live next door to me, he introduced me to his wife, but still it's lonely. In addition to having an autistic kid who liked to run outside naked (we never had any issues with that, by the way, like he was 4 or 5 at the time and entitled so far as I'm concerned...it's normal in our area...rural) but I or any other lady friends who were moms could go and visit Joe inside for cup of coffee or anything like that, because people would talk and it wouldn't be doing him any favors. Anyway, I set the lady straight, hey, that kid is autistic, leave Joe alone, he is not yelling to be mean at the kid, he absolutely needs to break through the aura of silence in which that kid lives. Geesh!

Anyway, take a look at Adam Jones Stay at Home Dad. This is a comedy video series created by another dad in our town. The husband and wife work out of NYC, they take turns watching the kids. I guess it's even more difficult for this guy cause he's a film maker...so nobody wants to talk to him because it would be too much like sucking up to film director from NYC. It is isolating life for these people. They try to acclimate to living in NH but they can never be natives, and because they have money and nice house, it's alienating for them. It doesn't need to be, but they're busy with work and kids. Once I saw Adam in the hallway going to an after school function, he mentioned fondue and I said that sounds really cheesy. I could have died. lol.

Anyway, watch his stuff. Maybe it will make you laugh. It always just makes me cringe. But some people think it's funny. The guy is a real jerk (not Adam Jones, actually he and his wife are very sweet, I wish they were around town more than they are), the guy in stay at home dad is a real jerk.

Anyway, don't let them get to you. You're doing a good job. I get the old work from home mom thing, how great it is to work from home. But it's isolating. Not too many people do this. Most of the moms who are home don't have to work, or are looking for work. The only time one of my friends came to my apartment, I got home from class and she'd come by to take a shower and use my phone and computer and to cook her kids dinner because her pos landlord didn't pay electric and disappeared and her electric was cut off, for a couple weeks. I did her groceries because her H took the car and disappeared for the afternoon he was supposed to come home from work but he stayed, I had to get groceries for them and I stayed to BBQ kielbasa and heat up beans on the grill. It was the best dinner party I've ever been to. She moved out of town, was planning to come back after the summer but didn't.

Anyway, keep that stiff upper lip. Staying at home with kids, nobody knows what you are doing right now, but in a few years when your kid goes to school there is no hiding how they were brought up and what they know about people, life and the world, and the skills they have. I am sure your kid will shine, because you obviously care.

Keep having fun and if someone says your wife supports you say that yes, the feeling between the two of you is mutual, and you support her too, and you are very lucky to have each other, and to have your love expressed in the creation of a family. Keep smiling!

I wish I had a guy to stay home. I work from home, but it would be nice to have a guy at home with me and to co-parent with. Today I dropped the ball on dinner. We ate, but not until 7. My laundry is still out on the line, and it will freeze tonight. The dishes are in the sink. I'm at the computer waiting for a query to run on a remote computer that requires keep-alives.
 

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She does. She knows it's best for us and our child. We have no one else to watch him. And she knows it's not my fault that I have not been hired. But I don't know if she appreciates the work I do. I could never outdo her. But I do work. And she will never eat what I make her. But she's a good woman and our marriage is working out better than it has.
Why do you sound so , self depreciating?
Are you tired of being a stay at home dad?
 

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I am starting work with a new client at home. It is very isolating. I thought I would like it. I realize thinking positive does help me get through the project on a high note.

Yes, I am self depreciating. I guess I am depressed.
 

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I hope you are taking walks and going to the playground or to a play group at a community center or to story time at the library or to parent and tot swim lessons or dance/gymnastics/music. You got to get out of the house and be with others, man or woman makes no difference. Mental health maintenance of the primary care giving parent is a must. If you fail at anything, do not fail at that.

Joe plays drums and he gets together with his friends who have a band. He can't do as many gigs, but he has his group. He knows he has his work cut out for him as the parent of an autistic kid. My kid is kind of on the autistic spectrum, so we talked about this a lot. Absolutely take care of your mental health, or your whole family will crumble. It's not just taking care of the kid, when you are in the home, you are the home-maker. Hence my user name. Wherever I am, I am making a home. Around me I want people to feel good, like they belong there. First step is looking out for myself. When I have to dig down and set boundaries, people call it selfish...but later when they really need me to be there for them, they're grateful I did take care of myself first.
 

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You sound conflicted about your role. It might help to ask yourself these questions:

When you were a young man did you ever see yourself as a SAHD? Was it YOUR dream?

Are you doing this now because its something that makes you feel fulfilled or is it something that happened because of life circumstances?

If no children were involved would you be OK with a women supporting you for life?

I think the stigma is always going to be there because most of the time the SAHD is doing it for the wrong reasons. Either they can't hold a job, the wife makes more money or she can't stand to stay home herself. The only reason to be doing this is because it was your life's passion or the mother has abandoned her children.
 

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Well I think Joe sounds like he is cut out for what he is doing and could likely write a book so others could follow his lead.

Mr. Potential? You need to find fulfilling work outside the home. If you do not your wife will not respect you in the long run. Relationships suffer a slow and painful death in this scenario. I know because I was a SAHD from 2003 until last May. Finding work outside the home has made an incredible difference in my relationship. My wife did not respect me. It is painfully obvious. People like to they they are new age thinkers but at the end of the day traditional roles are what they are and they rule the day more than anyone wants to admit.
 

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Dude! Let me tell you something!! You are doing something that many men wish they could do. When i say that, I don't mean that they wish they could send their wives to work and stay home. I mean they wish they could handle being with their children 24/7.

You're a freaking hero in my book!

Little story... I just had a vasectomy. Our 4th child is 9 weeks old. I had to stay in bed for 4 days while I recovered. Couldn't pick up the kids, limited mobility. I tried to do the dishes, but I was just in the way. I got to hear what my wife goes through in a day when I am not home helping her. It's amazing that I can come home to a sane, sweet beautiful woman that appreciates what I do.

She needs to realize you're contribution is equally as important as hers.
 

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I feel I and many other men are stigmatized for being a stay at home dad. I fear many relatives, friends and neighbors think I sit home and do nothing. I just had a fall out with a friend who said my wife supports me. I hope they know I work around the house and take care of our child. For that matter, I hope my wife knows the work I do. I just don't like the stigma being a stay at home dad brings.
Now you know how a lot (including me) stay at home moms feel.

People assume you sit around all day and do nothing. You watch tv, go to the gym, have a nap, and then do nothing.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
 

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Well I think Joe sounds like he is cut out for what he is doing and could likely write a book so others could follow his lead.

Mr. Potential? You need to find fulfilling work outside the home. If you do not your wife will not respect you in the long run. Relationships suffer a slow and painful death in this scenario. I know because I was a SAHD from 2003 until last May. The difference in my relationship has been incredible. My wife did not respect me. It is painfully obvious. People like to they they are new age thinkers but at the end of the day traditional roles are what they are and they rule the day more than anyone wants to admit.
My own husband did not respect me as a stay at home mom.
 

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I feel I and many other men are stigmatized for being a stay at home dad. I fear many relatives, friends and neighbors think I sit home and do nothing. I just had a fall out with a friend who said my wife supports me. I hope they know I work around the house and take care of our child. For that matter, I hope my wife knows the work I do. I just don't like the stigma being a stay at home dad brings.
Don't worry about what other guys feel, how do you feel. More importantly, how does your wife feel. As long as you have your self respect and your wife's respect, things should be cool. Be mindful of how your wife views you. If you loose her respect, problems can develop, including affairs. Anyway, being a stay at home dad shouldn't be your long term goal. You will have to focus on a career at some point.
 

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I think if the OP was satisfied with being a stay at home dad,the title of this thread would not have started with the word " Stigma."

He has stated several times that he is conflicted.
There are questions to be answered.
Especially about his wife's attitude towards him and if she truly appreciates what he's doing.
 

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I'm a stay-at-home-dad of sorts. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My son is autistic and my wife has a heart condition. She can't work, gets winded and has to rest if she's on her feet for more than 15 minutes. If it gets done in this house, I do it. I also work nights at a fast food restaurant to make the ends meet. I'm up most of the day, then most of the night. I go to school part time in order to get more money in the house and work toward something better for my son and wife. We're lucky that we have the VA to cover her medical expenses.

After all of that, I get the looks from most people I meet, some in class, some just out and about when I'm with my son alone during the day. Most people don't understand. They think men should work long and hard at demanding jobs. They think men aren't capable of raising children well, being patient enough, and being the parent a child needs them to be.

That, my friend, is a load of crap that only shows how limited their concept of manhood is, and what their self-imposed limitations are. I guarantee you most of the people who scoff at me wouldn't last a month in my shoes without a mental breakdown. Just goes to show that they have no idea what I do, what I go through, and how hard I have to work to make sure everyone gets what they need.

But the real point of this story, aside from my bragging, which I often do because I don't get appreciated, is that if you're doing your best, then you've done your best. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. If you feel unappreciated, then tell your wife you feel unappreciated. Tell her to take her vacation and do your job for a week, then see how she feels about how much you do.

She can't know what you need if you don't just tell her, but show her. Let her realize, with a little help, how much you do for both her and your kids. And demand some flowers, damn it. LOL You deserve it.
 

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Being a stay at home dad is halfway to lose your partner's interest and respect. NOBODY shows a high level of respect to a STHD... At most they will be "fine" with it. And it isn't about the work you do or don't do. It's about the social recognition and the worth you attribute to it.

Men are valuable in society for what they can bring that others can't. When you do something that basically anyone can that is willing (unless sickness gets in the way) then your worth drops. You become a spare part that can be easily replaced. And when a partner realizes that you can be replaced easily you're on the out path.

Plus, it seems your wife isn't exactly showing you signs of appreciation! Ain't that a sign of something that isn't going right?

My advice is to get yourself a job.

is that if you're doing your best, then you've done your best. It doesn't matter what other people think of you.
Ok, but that doesn't mean that others will show you respect. They most likely won't.

I think it is great you're there for your kids. But you may soon find yourself in a poor state in your relationship for it. I know, this isn't fair, since men don't seem to have a problem with STHMs but women and men are not the same. The wires that drive our sexual attraction are very much different.

Its about choices, and each one has consequences. Whatever makes you feel better man.
 

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evry sahd I know (2) are miserable and complain that their wife dose not respect them.

It shouldn't be this way in todays world but it is men are supost to be the providers and if their not then the wife becomes the alpha dog and loses respect for their lesser husband.

and thats the way it is.

listen your not happy make a change. be the man!!!!!! go earn some bucks.

you will be much happier.

I'm not saying to just go find work ....come up with a plan get more schooling if you have to but don't waste away being the beta male.
 
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