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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
UPDATE: Stepping Out of Comfort Zone

Let me first start off with that what I am about to do is coming on the heels of recently (within last two months) finding out my H had an 8 month EA. We are in recovery now and have been encouraged to become intimate for the first time.

I do not necessarily want this posted on the 'coping with infidelity' forum as I don't really think it applies at this time but thought it was important background info.

So what I am looking for here are ways to engage in sex in a more playful manner before having sex. Let me say this however, I am very shy and withdrawn when it comes to sex. However, I am wanting to become a different kind of sex partner with my husband (we have been married 25 years and together 27 - we are high school sweethearts.) He has been my only experience. He had several sex partners before we met and obviously one other since then, however, he has been my one and only.

I don't want to go too far out there but would like to hear from some men out there on what their partners do that they enjoy. How playful they are before hand... sending emails or texts or leaving notes. Note: No pictures

I have a hard time talking dirty and really even letting it be known that I am 'in the mood'.

Would like to hear from others
 

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I think that this is going to be tough for you. My wife was also very reserved and it took me a long time to bring her out of her shell.
Try initiating - Wear some sexy lingerie (it doesn't have to be ****ty) and go sit in his lap as he watches TV.
Touch and guide his hand as he touches you.

Better yet, read Cosmo. There are always good tips in there. My wife and I both read it to see what fires us up.
 

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I'm not a man....but I think my husband and I are pretty playful.

No pictures? Thats kinda a bummer. It's something I do for my hubby while he's gone and it certainly keeps things fun ;) I like to do my hair and make up and then pull up the victoria's secret website and mimic them LOL. I actually get into it to. Today I came home and changed from my street clothes to my lounge ware and thought my boy shorts were to cute not to share...and that led to several fun e-mails between us.

I love giving and sending silly sexy texts when he is in the states. The day after a great night of sex I like to text him and thank him for......"Rocking my world" "Attempting to break the bed" "6 orgasms might be pushing it and put me in the hospital". What ever it is you wanna say that tells him he is the bomb ;)
I also like to whisper things to him in public that I want to do to him later, just cuz we can't then, people are watching and it's kinda naughty.

I've done the whole "I'm not wearing any panties"...actually I did that in church and couldn't tell if he was pissed or excited when I whispered it to him. But he wasn't mad when we got home ;)


How do you feel about yourself? I know after both my children were born I felt very uncomfortable with my body and didn't do allot of my normal things. I know it hurt him, which motivated me just to work harder at getting back to be comfortable with myself. One I had the self confidence back I started acting normal again!
 

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There are a lot of little things you can do to be more playful as you put it. But it all depends on how comfortable with the act and with him. My wife has sent me pictures and texts are always fun.
You can make them as graphic or as tame as you're comfortable with. you don't need to be vulgar and graphic like "i want your hard juicy c*** now!" by saying "i want to feel your body against mine" you are getting the same message across just in a tamer way.

Lingerie is always a nice touch but i know my wife really isn't in to sexy clothes but when she is in bed before me and i crawl into bed to find her naked its just like Christmas!

Some of the fun things that drive me crazy for her are like what the last post said, when she whispers something in my ear or stealthily grabs me in a public place. Its just different ways that she reassures me that I still turn her on and that if given the choice she would still choose me!
One of the biggest aphrodisiacs for me is to know that she is into me!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
So I wanted to report back that I have already taken the first step... yesterday I booked a room at a local motel. Sent him a text telling him where and when to met me and there was a key at the front desk for him.

He arrived while I was in shower (pre-planned on my part). I had his favorite mixed drink ready made and waiting for him.

When I got out of the shower, because I didn't have any other clothes to change into I of course remained naked and simply wrapped in a towel as I went to the bar to make me a drink.

I must say although that is very much out of character for me, I thoroughly enjoyed. It was the first time we have been intimate since the discovery of the EA. The sex was amazing. We played around for hours. I left my car there overnight, and on the way home, I provided him a peep show as well gave him a BJ.

We then went to bed, both naked and lay there intertwined all night. Then this a.m. he was aroused and he began to fondle me. We went pretty far, but stopped just before the heightened part of playing around leaving the other one in the throws of wanting it so bad but can't have it. But will pick up where we left off after work tonight.

He then go up, got dressed for work and drove me back to the hotel where I then went in and got ready for work.

We have texted back forth about last night and how much fun it was.

I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.

I am looking forward to our next encounter.
 

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See, you are farther along than you realized. The motel gambit sounds pitch-perfect to me.

I'm a big fan of Laura Corn's books - 101 nights of grrrreat sex, 101 nights of grrrreat romance, 52 invitations to grrreat sex, and so forth. Go to Amazon.com and search for Laura Corn and you will be rewarded.

Good work!
 

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I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.
Amen sister ! You can do this, that was one wonderful start, what you did, how you planned. :D Many many books on the market, plus advice here to help you LIGHT your fire and expreess that to him. Here is one example of many on amazon Amazon.com: Light His Fire: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love With You (9780440207535): Ellen Kreidman: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

I too used to look at sex as "dirty" - husband used to joke I was like a NUN, I definetly feel he was exagerating but oh if you could see me in action now.:D Really, us women can have a revelation/awakening , we can change! Never doubt this.

I went from Nun mindset (sex is dirty, embarrassed about my body, Bj's were icky, had to have the light outs-under the covers, no moaning, rarely any flirting, didn't even think to buy lingerie) to Nympho/Seductress these days !! Now I heartliy Enjoy Porn, worship his penis, flirt all day long, so anxious to try new positions, moan in the bedroom, aggressively attack him when he gets home if I want it. He LOVES this! He never thought he would see it but is happy to ride this out as long as it lasts. We have always had a "good" marraige but this new passionate Lusting I have after him , well it is contagoius - and it has truly ENHANCED everything in our world. I am more patient with the kids, He is happier than he has ever been.

This is a sure fire way to AffAIR-PROOF your marraige to the man you love.

Other things you can do- Alot of good suggestions above, the whispering, the texting, when eating out ,touch him under the table sensually, touch his chest when sitting next to him & slide your hand down on him when noone is looking, give him that grin he is going to be a happy boy that night. :D Greet him at the door after work with lingerie, have fun searching Ebay for hot lingerie & surprising him in various ways, send him an email message with a Romantic love song that defines your love, (better yet if you have "Movie Maker software" on your computer, make him a VIDEO with the love song & memories of the 2 of you-from the beginning to now), plan a romantic Vacation (ex: Cove Haven, the Poconos -in PA) they have a private heart shaped swimming pool in your room!

So much sweetness ahead of you, your journey has just begun.

This dirtiness within marriage, where did this thinking come from -share your story if you will. Just know, as it was learned, it too can be UNlearned. My own struggle with this issue is proof.

So happy for your new start in life -towards Passion & LUST towards your husband. The more you give here, the more you may receive!:)
 

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Wow! Thought you were SHY!!!

So I wanted to report back that I have already taken the first step... yesterday I booked a room at a local motel. Sent him a text telling him where and when to met me and there was a key at the front desk for him.

He arrived while I was in shower (pre-planned on my part). I had his favorite mixed drink ready made and waiting for him.

When I got out of the shower, because I didn't have any other clothes to change into I of course remained naked and simply wrapped in a towel as I went to the bar to make me a drink.

I must say although that is very much out of character for me, I thoroughly enjoyed. It was the first time we have been intimate since the discovery of the EA. The sex was amazing. We played around for hours. I left my car there overnight, and on the way home, I provided him a peep show as well gave him a BJ.

We then went to bed, both naked and lay there intertwined all night. Then this a.m. he was aroused and he began to fondle me. We went pretty far, but stopped just before the heightened part of playing around leaving the other one in the throws of wanting it so bad but can't have it. But will pick up where we left off after work tonight.

He then go up, got dressed for work and drove me back to the hotel where I then went in and got ready for work.

We have texted back forth about last night and how much fun it was.

I believe that giving myself permission to be sexual is what has been needed and a reminder that sex between a married couple is not dirty.

I am looking forward to our next encounter.
 

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yeah, im thinking you arent near as "shy" about sex as you think you are. you sounded like it in your first post, the second post tells a whole different story.

i would be shocked if my wife ever did anything like that, pleasently so.
 

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Pssst...any way you can do a mind meld and whisper in my wife's ear?:D
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Although it may come across as not being shy, trust me, it took a lot for me to get up enough courage to first of all allow those thoughts in to my head let alone go through with it.

After several strong drinks, I got up enough courage to call him and let him I had a room. It took several more to finish with the plans and several more to actually go through with it.

In regular situations, I don't have to drink to have normal/run of the mill sex with my husband, however, with this being our first time being intimate in quite some time due to his EA, I wanted to make the experience unforgettable.

I was a virgin when I met my husband and he has been my only experience. My mother was old school catholic and had actually never had the talk with me. The only discussion we ever had growing up was informing me that sex was a duty you had to do as the wife and was for the purpose of having children.

Early in our marriage I would put myself out there but was rejected time and time again and therefore found myself withdrawing and finally just assuming my role as the good wife regarding sex.

I was well in to my thirties the first time I actually masturbated on my own when I was by myself. I would play with myself while engaging in sex with my husband but he would always initiate it and then take my hand for me to finish.

He, as most teenage boys, enjoyed looking at Hustler and Playboy magazines. He was really into porn almost to an addiction. Because I was already insecure about sex, having to compare myself to these women even more of reason for me to decide that my role was what I been brought up to believe.

I found my husband subscribing to the site where girls will talk dirty to you and he perused the personal ads on craigslist telling me he was just intrigued. This of course added to my insecurities.

I was an athlete in high school when we met, I was very physically fit and still had issues with my body. Over the years after two children and several medical conditions, I definitely know I am not nearly as attractive as I was when we first met. Mind you, he too was an athlete and very buff and is now around 60-80 pounds overweight. But I have always loved him for him regardless of what he looked like.

So in addition to my viewpoint of sex being skewed my insecurities about myself added to me become an introvert.

I admit that his affair has hit me hard and I am not simply having sex with him to keep but as part of our healing, I am trying to replace his bad sexual experiences with me with new more exciting.

I don't what lies ahead regarding being able to have unbridled sex or more free sex without the help of alcohol, but I want to have as much fun as I can while I reteach myself that sex with your spouse to be enjoyed by both.
 

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Young boys looking at those magazines when they are growing up ---SOOOOO normal, you seem to understand that. Maybe not the best thing to do in life, but testosterone was ruling their minds as Puberty struck them. They all seeked this kind of entertainment out. Now it is computer looking, what we have today is ALOT worse, with women being able to flirt with men-live , and Cyber sex. I am sure more hurtful addictions come from these things.

You mention you put yourself out there and YOU was rejected, so in your earlier years, he was using the Porn OVER you? This can be very destructive in any marraige. Plus having been taught so little about the beauty of sex, the spiritual side of bonding & emotional connection. Your husband needs to learn this as well as yourself.

Where is your husband in all of this ? Is he NOW committed to overcoming his prior addictions that have hurt you so deeply? This will only help you acheive this freedom in the bedroom that will knock his socks off.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Oh yes, I am definitely aware that young men used this as a normal 'coming of age'/right of passage, and being that we met while still in high school, I understand that completely. The situation started really becoming an issue for me in the college years and early in our marriage.

Just within the last day or two he has apologized and accepted his role and his responsibility for my sexual development or lack thereof.
We recently had a discussion where I openly shared with him, that in my mind, whether it be accurate or not, I viewed his attraction/addiction to the websites and live talks and personal ads as him not being happy or satisfied with what he had at home, which hurt deeply because although we were not having sex daily or even weekly, I did things that I did not feel comfortable with because it was my 'wifely duty' to do so. And even more hurtful to me was that he felt he needed more and what he wanted was definitely not the things an immature young women would feel comfortable doing if they were going to always be compared to what he was watching, or looking at or even having women telling him what they would do to him. So my insecurities and my inexperience added to his addiction was only setting us up for having a difficult road ahead of us and we both were to young and immature to know this. He shared with me that he never expected me to do everything he was watching or really ever even compared me physically to them. He did however state that what he did do was want access to me but he always felt that because I was not open to being more sexual he felt like he was taking advantage of me and was having sex with someone who did not want him or want to have sex period, therefore that is why he turned to the outside sources and eventually another woman.

I don't really know where he is in the big picture regarding watching movies or looking at videos and magazines as there is and was so much hurt over the years over so many other things I have not gotten the courage to ask him about this outright. For now, I would have to say that is more than likely because I don't want to know the answer so soon into our recovery.

For me, I feel bad because that means that for at least 20 years of our marriage we have both missed out on the opportunity to bond both physically and emotionally.

We are working on it together, but I believe I will have to grow first before him and all the while we both are reaching out and working toward the healing.
 

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He did however state that what he did do was want access to me but he always felt that because I was not open to being more sexual he felt like he was taking advantage of me and was having sex with someone who did not want him or want to have sex period, therefore that is why he turned to the outside sources and eventually another woman.
Herein lies "his pain" in this. He felt rejected also. Every man needs to feel his wife wants him, truly desires him -at least sometimes. Sex is how men "feel" loved. A great book explaining this that helped the lightbulb come on for me here >> Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books: Reviews, Prices & more I cried reading some of the pages in this book, reading how this can affect our husbands. I just didn't get it back then.

Often I wanted to read books at night or sleep with one of my babies inbetween us. My husband silently endured these things, never telling me how rejected he felt deep within. It hurt him alot, and in his pain, he started waiting for me to come on to him many times. I have gotten upset about our past, it could have been SOOOOO much more. We both have some guilt about the way we handled things. He did not go outside of our marraige in any way , but weaker men often fall.

It may help you understand , even forgive, if you can feel his pain in this. Just as HE NEEDS to feel and acknowledge yours.

Do you feel you have truly forgiven him or still struggling here? What is important now is NOT the past, just grieve that together and look to the future. We all make mistakes, he probably wanted YOU the whole time , never anyone else, but in desperation -fell. But look who he is with now, who he chooses NOW , it is still YOU after all these years.

These things you mention that you did not feel comfortable doing back then when you was Young & immature, that he wanted. How outrageous are these things? Are we talking normal sex acts, like BJ's -doggie style - stuff that might have repulsed you in your youth seeing it in porn (I can relate to that!) -- or more out of the box kind of sex acts - S & M bondage , anal sex, or something beyond ??

Everyone has differnet sexual tastes & wants, I hope you and him can find a common ground and enjoyment in trying to please each other.
 

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My Story:The start on the long road to recovery after many years of sexless marriage.

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So I thought I would share with those who have helped on how things have been different since I have allowed myself to not only enjoy sex but become sexual again.

It has been suggested I do this regarding moving forward in the area of intimacy and sexual acceptance after having discovered that my H had a PA that lasted for 8 months (we have been together since HS, and married for 25 years).

In the beginning, I was devasted, and there is still some hurt and pain but we have both come to a place where we are no longer holding a grudge or resentment for things that have happened in the past that we can not change. All we can do, is keep from making the same mistake and so therefore we can forgive but must not forget in the sense of total recall that the event(s) has ever happened. We have both accepted and admitted our part in what lead to him straying. Yes, I have a part in it too even though it was his ultimate decision to go down that road.

We decided together to start with a clean slate. One of the biggest issues I have had and have to do is with sex, on any level: within marriage, outside of marriage, my role, whether or not I allowed myself to enjoy it, why did I feel so bad when I did enjoy etc.

After finally expressing to my H what my insecurities have been over the years and where the feelings/emotions were routed from, we agreed that for the next 14 days we would have sex. Regardless of whether or not we felt like it, felt sensual at the time, etc. We talked about all of the could happens and we agreed we must let the other know what we wanted, how we wanted it, that at times it was going to be strictly for his pleasure and at times it would be strictly for mine. Then we discussed the couldn'ts, what couldn't happen was that we could not go about it the same way we always had. The times, places, approach etc. had to be different. Very different!!! What we were working toward was replacing the old memories of rejection with new more exciting memories of acceptance and of anticipation. We were replacing the 'standard' way with a new more exciting way or place etc. We were trying to focus on what we enjoyed about the chase over 25 years ago, was it the 'doing it somewhere we might get caught' or trying something new... whatever it was, we wanted to get back to that same feeling.

So as of today, we are on day six and yes we have had sex every day! What has been amazing is that there have been several days, where we had sex more than once. I do believe on day four we woke each other being playful and on more then four occasions we met up somewhere and had some of the best sex I can remember. What has been even more amazing is that to date it has not been just for only one us to receive and enjoy but we are enjoying ourselves so much that pleasing the other is our ultimate goal therefore we don't stop until we both are satisfied.

We have had days so far that we will bring the other one almost to climax but will then stop just before with the promise we will continue later, and during the in between time, we text or email or call each other teasing the other with how we are going to get them there when we meet again.

We have gone to a hotel for a quickie, we have gone to a hotel for several hours of enjoyment and pleasure. We have had sex in his car, I have given him a BJ while he has been driving, he has stimulated me while we were driving home. We have enjoyed each other in the shower. We live out is the country so we went out in our front yard and had sex under the stars. We have enjoyed each other in the middle of the day, while it is still light outside. We have enjoyed going down on each other multiple times and trying new positions. In the kitchen, in the den, on the back deck you name it, I think we have been there....

As I write this, I just received a text from my H letting me know he is already at home, getting dinner ready, will pour some wine and start the shower for me after dinner so we can then snuggle for awhile before going to bed.

I shared with him earlier in the day that today was an optional day... optional for panties... and I opted out (was not wearing any). He immediately replied with send me a picture (not quite there yet, but who knows).

So what we have found out up to this point is that we have given the other permission to enjoy sex again but more importantly for the next 14 days the feeling or expectation of rejection has been removed which has allowed us both to enjoy ourselved to the fullest.

I will report back after we have finished with day 14...
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Do you feel you have truly forgiven him or still struggling here? What is important now is NOT the past, just grieve that together and look to the future. We all make mistakes, he probably wanted YOU the whole time , never anyone else, but in desperation -fell. But look who he is with now, who he chooses NOW , it is still YOU after all these years.

These things you mention that you did not feel comfortable doing back then when you was Young & immature, that he wanted. How outrageous are these things? Are we talking normal sex acts, like BJ's -doggie style - stuff that might have repulsed you in your youth seeing it in porn (I can relate to that!) -- or more out of the box kind of sex acts - S & M bondage , anal sex, or something beyond ??
I would have to say I am very close to complete forgiveness, not quite there but getting close, but only because after a very intense conversation he finally shared why he did it and he didn't put all of the blame on me and how it was not really what he wanted and that he knew it months before I ever found out and that is why he broke it off. He has shared what he needs to feel loved and wanted and I have shared with him the same and we are both making an effort to fulfill that need. We have both decided that there is nothing we can do about what has happened in the past and the only thing we now can do is keep from going back. We have to let the pain and hurt go as long as we both accept what we have done that caused that hurt, we just won't go back and repeat it.

Regarding what he wanted, it really varies and depends on where we were in our relationship. It took me awhile to actually start to understand how I could enjoy giving him oral but in the beginning no that was not very enticing. But because he has been my only experience I have never had a clear picture of what is/was normal or out of the ordinary. No S&M, some anal, use of different items (fruit/veggies etc.) Various positions and places... in general just things I was not clear on whether or not it was normal, did he used to do with previous gf, was it just things he wanted to try. Looking back on it now, more requests were not unreasonable, just would have required stepping out of my comfort zone.
 

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My Story:The start on the long road to recovery after many years of sexless marriage.

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We live out is the country so we went out in our front yard and had sex under the stars. ...
Wow... you are doing great!

With respect to the above, H and I live in the middle of the sprawling city but last week after our little one was safely asleep I told him to meet me on the deck, and we had sex under... well, under the neighbor's backyard light, I guess.

Yours kinda sounds better to me right now. Maybe the neighbors enjoyed our show, though!
 

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We have gone to a hotel for a quickie, we have gone to a hotel for several hours of enjoyment and pleasure. We have had sex in his car, I have given him a BJ while he has been driving, he has stimulated me while we were driving home. We have enjoyed each other in the shower. We live out is the country so we went out in our front yard and had sex under the stars. We have enjoyed each other in the middle of the day, while it is still light outside. We have enjoyed going down on each other multiple times and trying new positions. In the kitchen, in the den, on the back deck you name it, I think we have been there....



What a transformation!- and so quickly from your 1st post days ago. I think you can breathe a real sigh of relief about anything that happened in the past, just this 14 days , you & he are having more excitment than some couples have in 14 years!

I think you can change your user name now, Hurting in NY no longer fits, maybe Humping in NY would be better! Come join the ranks of the sexually awakened my dear. You are keeping your husband well satisfied which = well Loved.

I'm feeling a little jealous with all the fun you are having!
 
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