[brittany12]

You all have been a great help so far about my husband slapping me and I thank you for that. NOW I am having a huge issue with his son (my step-son) he is 11 and we get him every other week and weekend. So half the time. I have out down a lot of rules which he is not used to because he used to get away with everything when it was just him and his dad. He does not me that much since he feels I took his dad away and all that which I understand. I have tried everything with him, talked to him, played games, spent time with him. He will not give me the time of day. Anyways, he came home yesterday from his moms and said his mom and her husband fight all the time and it is getting really bad. He said they fought for HOURS over a cheeseburger and it got out of hand. I think he may be exhagerating a bit to get attention from his dad and to put a wedge between his dad and I. It worked cause his dad babied him and ignored me. Am I going overboard here. I think this kid will try anything.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

How long did you date the father and how long have you been married? How was son before marriage?

You and hubby need to be on the same page with house rules.

Consider family counseling. They can help with the new dynamics.

 

[southern wife]

It sounds like the kid is starving for some kind of healthy attention.

 

[brittany12]

He gets attention. The same as the rest of the kids. I have 2 boys also. He just wants it to be like it was before his dad met me.
We have been married for alittle over a year. He was ok when we were dating. He got very upset when we got engaged and then it went downhill from there.

 

[Soifon]

I think he may be exhagerating a bit to get attention from his dad and to put a wedge between his dad and I. It worked cause his dad babied him and ignored me. Am I going overboard here. I think this kid will try anything.

This doesn't make any sense. It had nothing to do with you so what do you mean he ignored you and how could it put a wedge in between you? Why are you competing with an 11 year old for attention? If he wanted his Dad's attention you should step aside and let him have it.

 

[brittany12]

I did step aside and I'm not competing with a 11 year old. You have to understand this child. He has played the poor kid card since we got married. And I have done everything I can to make it good for him. So yea, I am kind of pissed that he is being a selffish little kid and does not want to see his dad happy. Am I wrong for that?

 

[southern wife]

I did step aside and I'm not competing with a 11 year old. You have to understand this child. He has played the poor kid card since we got married. And I have done everything I can to make it good for him. So yea, I am kind of pissed that he is being a selffish little kid and does not want to see his dad happy. Am I wrong for that?

You're not wrong, but the bottom line here is that he's 11. He's not even sure of his own emotions right now, and how to really act on them. He may be still grieving the loss of BOTH his parents in the same house. He's obviously upset about Dad's new wife and feels threatened somehow.

Perhaps his Dad can make some special time just for him every time you guys get him.

 

[KathyBatesel]

In my opinion, yes, you're wrong for that. He's an 11 year old child, for heaven's sake!

Most kids at his age are still pretty compliant and treasure attention and affection at this age. Give him some! Don't try to make him like you, but when he's playing the poor kid card, take a supportive-but-realistic stance that encourages him to challenge his perceptions of himself as a victim. Ask questions like, "So what do you to feel better when your mom and stepdad are fighting?" "What do you want to see happen right now?" "Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" And when it's reasonable, do it.

Show your stepson why his dad is smart to love you by being a caring, lovable person to him, too. Withhold criticism and comments until you can talk to your husband alone, and then don't criticize your man for loving and supporting his child. Instead, criticize the circumstances that force a child to feel so desperate for attention.

At the same time, uphold reasonable rules for your home, but don't get carried away. Rules tend to be a good way to destroy relationships, in my opinion. Very few are needed and too many get in the way of letting people feel accepted and loved just the way they are. Rules like "Laundry can only be washed this particular way" might seem helpful on the surface, but are destructive overall, and especially to a kid who only gets occasional exposure to them.

None of this is easy, but it's worthwhile. He's still growing and two years from now, he's going to be thinking and behaving differently than he is today.

 

[brittany12]

I have suggested that to my husband. I asked him to maybe take him out just one on one time. My husband said "then he will expect it ally he time". I didnt really understand that answer. My husband wants us to do everything as a family I think.

 

[that_girl]

Your husband has to take him out one on one. I take my daughter out one on one (she is not my husband's bio-daughter). It's necessary and reminds the kid of their place with their parent.

 

[brittany12]

I agree- He says it not something we should do. Spending time playing video games with him is good enough he says. Like I said- I have tried. And still, the kid hold it all against me But I expect it.

 

[SunnyT]

Sometimes kids will hold it against the step-parent...no matter how hard the step-parent tries to make things work. You don't have to take disrespect, but I think you do have to suck it up.... put up with a surly, poor-me kid.

Sounds like the kid is really having a hard time adjusting to huge changes in his family. To him...at this point...you are not family. Things are not all rosey at Mom's, and there are new permanent people at Dad's. Not fair...right?

I think, you just love him....go to bat for him every chance you get, remember where he is coming from, and just keep trying. Don't take it personal. Some day, maybe after he's grown even, he will understand what you did, and who was there for him.

 

[that_girl]

Take the kid out by yourself.

And then take each of your boys out. Alone.

 

[the guy]

I did step aside and I'm not competing with a 11 year old. You have to understand this child. He has played the poor kid card since we got married. And I have done everything I can to make it good for him. So yea, I am kind of pissed that he is being a selffish little kid and does not want to see his dad happy. Am I wrong for that?

Does this sound counterdictory, or is it just me?

I mean if there is no competion then one would think there would a be a huge degree of indifference to what this kid does or how he acts?

You have this pissed off emotion witch tells me you infact are competing and lossing...thats all!

Its not your job to make things good for him he is your H problem every other week. Stop engaging him and show him the indifference he needs to see so that any effort to effect your marriage will not work.

I'm not saying to be rude or mean, just stop letting this kid piss you off by getting involved. you can be pelite and still be indifferent.

Sure easier said then done, but the above quote says alot! Reread it.......

 

[that_girl]

Another thing is...you have 2 boys. Do they live with you full time? So while this boy gets HIS DAD only on EVERY OTHER weekends, these 'other kids' get HIS DAD every damn day.

I'd be pissed to if I was him. But since i can't really voice my opinion or how I feel because I'm 11 and my brain isn't developed, I will just do things to piss YOU off.