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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last week my husband was kicked out of his dads house, where he has been living for the last 31/2 months since he left me. They had a huge row and his dad told him to leave. Husband asked if he could stay on my settee for a couple of nights so I said yeah ok.
He works from 9am to about 11.30pm 6 days a week, and had been calling round to see me after work every night for the last month. Anyway, he is still here, on the setee a week later, doesn't seem to be making any effort to find anywhere else, every morning he says, 'I'll see you tonight'
He had been texting me regularly for a while, but now he rings 4 or 5 times a day at least, whenever he gets a quick break.
He said the other morning, that I didn't have to wait up for him and I could go to bed, but then he rang an hour later asking if I fancied a couple of drinks when he got back that night.

He will ring me to tell me what he's doing, ask how I am, how kids are, etc.
Then he will let me know when he's on his way home, one night he was going to stay for a drink after work, but he rang me and asked if it was ok if he did that. At one point (when we were together) I would probably have gone mad, having a go that he wasn't coming straight home, but I don't do that anymore, so I just assured him it was absolutely fine for him to have a drink and I hoped he had a good time, and I would just see him whenever he got back. He then rang back to ask me if I would like him to pick up a couple of beers on his way back for us, and did I fancy watching a film when he got back?

It was his day off on Wednesday, and his friend came round to the house, we had a couple of drinks and a laugh, then my husband said to his friend that he would have to go cos he was getting really tired, his friend didn't go, so husband said he was going to sleep, his friend left and I got up to go to bed, but husband asked me where I was going, I said bed, he asked if I wanted another drink and maybe we could watch some tv, 2 hours after his friend went home, we finally went to bed ( him on settee lol), seems a bit odd for someone who was so tired they asked there friend to leave!

He does still make the odd comment about what 'he' is saving up for or what 'he' might do in the future, for example this morning he said he might go on holiday, on his own, to somewhere we went together and were planning on going back to.
But then we were talking about Xmas and he suggested we get another snake, going halves on the price, making it 'our' snake.
I said I had already got his present and he wanted to know how much I'd spent so that he could spend the same on me. And slips up calling me by old pet names.

I'm a little confused as to what to do next, I decided a long time ago I was not going to go NC and that I would try the friend route, he has got a lot closer to me, we have both changed, well maybe I've changed more, but he has noticed it and compliments me on it.

Two weeks ago I was really ill, he was really worried, ringing me and texting me every half hour to check on me, then he took the day off just so he could be with me, it resulted in me having to go into hospital, husband took me, stayed with me till I was admitted, then text me every hour to check how I was and to see what was happening. He got all my stuff together for my dad to bring to the hospital for me and was genuinely concerned.

What do I do next, is this a step forward?
 

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Advice? Um. I don't know about how good it is, but I can tell you as I was reading I didn't like the way he "came back" to you.

He was kicked from his house, so to me, that makes you a "last resort" thing.

He could be thinking differently, I don't know... so only thing I can say is be careful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Advice? Um. I don't know about how good it is, but I can tell you as I was reading I didn't like the way he "came back" to you.

He was kicked from his house, so to me, that makes you a "last resort" thing.

He could be thinking differently, I don't know... so only thing I can say is be careful.
Advice? Um. I don't know about how good it is, but I can tell you as I was reading I didn't like the way he "came back" to you.

He was kicked from his house, so to me, that makes you a "last resort" thing.

He could be thinking differently, I don't know... so only thing I can say is be careful.
Hi I agree I need to be careful, however he did have other places he could have stayed, we have been getting closer in the last week he has been here, does still occasionally say things that hurt, for example, he is saving up to buy himself something which makes me feel pessimistic but it is still early days, and thenhe slips up by saying things like he will see me when he gets 'home'
I got a text off him today, asking me to get his things together as he was going elsewhere, I rang him because it sounded so sudden when he has not made any hint of leaving, it turns out my dad had text him telling him to get out of my house, and to put me and the kids first for once, husband was crying on phone and it took him ages to finally tell me about the text, he apologised for causing me trouble, and for hurting me since we split, I was fuming! I couldn't believe my parents had gone behind my back like that they want me to forget him and will not accept that isn't going to happen, I can't believe they stooped so low, funnily enough they haven't mentioned it to me are just acting normal, I am a grown woman with two kids who can make her own decisions, I have told them this and that if I get hurt that is my choice and a risk I'm taking so could they please back off! They have said if I get back with husband they will cut me out of the will and won't have anything to do with me! I understand they are worried but I'm not going to be blackmailed by them or do something just to make them happy. I have to think of my kids too they want there daddy back, and I know we could give it a damn good shot!
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OMG....

This is what I see.

you are glad he is back but cautious. That is good. When he went for drinks he knew the response he should have got and he didn't get it. That is good.

Right now you have the upper hand. He wants to be back but isn't sure how to do it.

with your current anger at your parents you liked him being there. You don't want him to leave. I understand that. You are being distant which is making him work a bit harder to make things work.. That is good.

Standing up to your parents was good too. I had to do that same thing when my ex and I talked about reconciliation. does that not show you that you want your marriage back together?

Tell him to stay, keep going the way you are and see if he behaviour continues to improve. He saw the grass wasn't greener and so have you. You obviously still love him and he loves you.

Don't give up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
OMG....

This is what I see.

you are glad he is back but cautious. That is good. When he went for drinks he knew the response he should have got and he didn't get it. That is good.

Right now you have the upper hand. He wants to be back but isn't sure how to do it.

with your current anger at your parents you liked him being there. You don't want him to leave. I understand that. You are being distant which is making him work a bit harder to make things work.. That is good.

Standing up to your parents was good too. I had to do that same thing when my ex and I talked about reconciliation. does that not show you that you want your marriage back together?

Tell him to stay, keep going the way you are and see if he behaviour continues to improve. He saw the grass wasn't greener and so have you. You obviously still love him and he loves you.

Don't give up.
Thank you, I know people on here won't agree with the route I have chosen, but the 180 doesn't appear an option for me, that is only about healing not getting them back, they cannot see how you have changed or realise the good person you actually are if they are not in contact with you
I have asked him to stay, he agreed, and last night he was really concerned that I was upset over my family, he is very proud of me standing up to them but he doesn't want to cause more trouble. It was quite funny really I could see him out of the corner of my eye, he kept staring at me but when I looked over at him he would quickly look away.

It's so hard because I just want to hold his hand or lay next to him on the settee while we watch a film but I know I need to take baby steps. I hope it works out
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Exactly baby steps...

Driving Lisa home on Saturday it took some nerve but I reached over the console and head on to one of her fingers. It was dark in the truck so the kids couldn't see. It was great just to touch her.

Earlier in the day I asked for a hug in the kitchen where the kids couldn't see.

If you want to give a hug.. do it.. but still keep your distance anywhere else.

Now I get butterflies when I got to pick her up. I told her it was just like we met over again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Exactly baby steps...

Driving Lisa home on Saturday it took some nerve but I reached over the console and head on to one of her fingers. It was dark in the truck so the kids couldn't see. It was great just to touch her.

Earlier in the day I asked for a hug in the kitchen where the kids couldn't see.

If you want to give a hug.. do it.. but still keep your distance anywhere else.

Now I get butterflies when I got to pick her up. I told her it was just like we met over again.
I'm so happy for you! Yeah we are getting along so well now, I definately have more understanding and patience and I know it really shows, although it sometimes kills me inside, each time he says something that could make me think I should give up, his actions say so much more.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm so happy for you! Yeah we are getting along so well now, I definately have more understanding and patience and I know it really shows, although it sometimes kills me inside, each time he says something that could make me think I should give up, his actions say so much more.
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Grrrr I just want to grab him and kiss him lol!! Am sure it will happen eventually, I've never been a patient person, this is killing me but will be worth it!!!
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
That answers your own question. Look at the positive sides of him and not the negatives. See what you see now and leave the past in the past.
Yeah def have to forget the past, he cheated (only once but them started seeing her for a couple of weeks after we split, she really turned out to be crazy and we both have harassment orders against her) he regrets what happened and has apologised, but the past has to stay gone so we can start afresh
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
My wife cheated in our first year of marriage. If it is a non issue then let it go. I did.
Your right, everything that happened has to be forgotten and forgiven, I know the trust will take some time to rebuild, but to be honest (maybe I'm crazy) I do actually trust him still, I know he feels really bad about what happened, and about what's happened since we split, it's stupid really but last night he finished work and he usually stays there for a drink but he didn't he came straight home, then was really concerned because I wasn't feeling very well, then when I was in bed he was texting me (from downstairs! ) checking I was ok, then he brought me a drink up this morning then said he would see me when he gets back tonight.
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When my wife talked about it again a few weeks ago it was determined that she needed to talk to someone to learn how to let go of the guilt.

This is what I told Lisa:

"If i can candidly talk to you about the affair and my stomach doesn't turn and i don't want to scream then I am over the pain from it. Now you need to learn to do the same. When we can both talk about it without any pain then it is a non issue. Until then it is a thorn in one of our sides"
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
When my wife talked about it again a few weeks ago it was determined that she needed to talk to someone to learn how to let go of the guilt.

This is what I told Lisa:

"If i can candidly talk to you about the affair and my stomach doesn't turn and i don't want to scream then I am over the pain from it. Now you need to learn to do the same. When we can both talk about it without any pain then it is a non issue. Until then it is a thorn in one of our sides"
Yeah he knows how much pain has been caused and he says I deserve better than him, he hasn't put it behind himself yet, and it doesn't help that she only lives two houses down from us, she won't leave him alone, every night when he gets home she leans out her window trying to get him to go round, obviously he doesn't go and doesn't speak to her but it is certainly not helping anything with her still trying to get him back! We have two small kids for gods sake, she is twice his age and deaf, withhim living back here at the minute she must think we are back together so why doesn't she just back off and leave us alone?
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Yeah he knows how much pain has been caused and he says I deserve better than him, he hasn't put it behind himself yet, and it doesn't help that she only lives two houses down from us, she won't leave him alone, every night when he gets home she leans out her window trying to get him to go round, obviously he doesn't go and doesn't speak to her but it is certainly not helping anything with her still trying to get him back! We have two small kids for gods sake, she is twice his age and deaf, withhim living back here at the minute she must think we are back together so why doesn't she just back off and leave us alone?
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Well last night a couple of my husbands friends came round, we all had a laugh and my husband was been quite tactile with me, and very friendly, which I think is a good sign, then this morning, I took kids to school and as soon as I had left the house, the exOW turned up banging on the door, my husband was in the bedroom and looked out the window and saw it was her, he said he wasn't opening the door so she started declaring her undying love for him and how she cried every night, he just said 'so' she then asked if me and him were getting back together and he said 'maybe' then told her to go away. I am fuming she came to the house especially when the police have told her to stay away, but really pleased with husbands response!!
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If your husband continues showing his rehabilitation and care for you like you have described, then you both have a real good shot at reconciling. I would watch for least one year or more to see if he has a real resolution to change.

Change has to be proven for a least one year at a minimum. He may be 100% serious about his rehabilitation but he must put a plan into action and stay with it for at least a year.

You seem to be very eager to get back with him and that is understandable. Your emotions may even be screaming for him but screaming emotions do not make for long term rehabilitation.
 
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