Talk About Marriage banner
221 - 240 of 267 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #221 ·
Its reassuring to know other people have done it. I dont know if walking that way would bring me peace in the way it did you but honestly? Not much has changed from before so. Yeah. My caseworker is helping me find a way to get my own car. I may even have one by the end of Saturday. I might even be able to get it delivered to me! How crazy is that??? I should have called her sooner. Story of my life...shoulda done it sooner and avoided this big mess. Maybe I could have avoided the RO. Maybe maybe maybe...

My older son is stressed. Says I over reached and screwed us over. Thinks he will be asked to testify in court which he doesnt want to screw either of us. Or worse thinks the judge will take his brother from both of us.

Youngest, as usual, is rolling with the flow. I explained he wouldnt be seeing Dad for a few weeks because a judge is giving us a big time out and telling us to play nice and not talk to each other. Plus it will give his Dad time to sort his life without fighting with me. He seems content with that. I am sure his Dad will tell him first chance he gets how mean Mom kept them apart but so far his Dad is respecting the RO so maybe this doesnt have to get super ugly.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,955 Posts
Your oldest son doesn't know what he's talking about. He's looking for the path of least resistance which involves placating his father. He doesn't have the life experience to know that's much worse long term. And he doesn't get to decide this...he's a grown man living with you.

No judge is taking your son away. Yoir ex is sleeping in his freaking car and harassing you. If he actually gets a decent place a judge will give him joint custody or visitation, and even then the exchange can be supervised of there's a RO.

This is actually the best chance your ex has to get himself together....if he can't harass you. That is the path of least resistance for him as well, so ironically in that sense it's the sane as your son.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,955 Posts
Its reassuring to know other people have done it. I dont know if walking that way would bring me peace in the way it did you but honestly? Not much has changed from before so. Yeah. My caseworker is helping me find a way to get my own car. I may even have one by the end of Saturday. I might even be able to get it delivered to me! How crazy is that??? I should have called her sooner. Story of my life...shoulda done it sooner and avoided this big mess. Maybe I could have avoided the RO. Maybe maybe maybe...

My older son is stressed. Says I over reached and screwed us over. Thinks he will be asked to testify in court which he doesnt want to screw either of us. Or worse thinks the judge will take his brother from both of us.

Youngest, as usual, is rolling with the flow. I explained he wouldnt be seeing Dad for a few weeks because a judge is giving us a big time out and telling us to play nice and not talk to each other. Plus it will give his Dad time to sort his life without fighting with me. He seems content with that. I am sure his Dad will tell him first chance he gets how mean Mom kept them apart but so far his Dad is respecting the RO so maybe this doesnt have to get super ugly.
Not surprised. He's happy to bully you as long as you take it, but when faced with actual legal consequences he backs down.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,839 Posts
He was a Marine long before he met me. I was 20. He was 30. He would never talk about it. Just like he would never talk about previous girlfriends. I know he wasn't lying about joining but I don't know how long he stayed in. I don't know anything including why or how he was discharged. I feel like if it was a positive experience he would have talked about it. I am guessing it wasn't.

I can put him in touch with my resource person but would it be too little too late? Housing is so tight where I live. There is only like 1.7% opening rate. Waiting lists are long and rents are high. Where do I draw the line?
If he was in combat he will only discuss it with other combat vets. No one else understands. PTSD more common than appreciated.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,989 Posts
Who knows — he may have been discharged from the military for not fitting in or whatever. I don’t think that would be a huge surprise given his behavior. I didn’t realize you were so young when you met him and he was 10 years older with a lot more life experience than you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #227 ·
Your oldest son doesn't know what he's talking about. He's looking for the path of least resistance which involves placating his father. He doesn't have the life experience to know that's much worse long term. And he doesn't get to decide this...he's a grown man living with you.

No judge is taking your son away. Yoir ex is sleeping in his freaking car and harassing you. If he actually gets a decent place a judge will give him joint custody or visitation, and even then the exchange can be supervised of there's a RO.

This is actually the best chance your ex has to get himself together....if he can't harass you. That is the path of least resistance for him as well, so ironically in that sense it's the sane as your son.
I tried explaining to my son that I have plenty of documentation and professionals supporting me so no matter what his Dad says I am not going down without a fight. He says I am overconfident. I said we will see. Now his Dad cant make me angry or stressed daily and then I dont have to put my kids in the middle of that toxicity every day. No more venting about his fathers latest maneuverings, no more anxiety about what he will say or do next...it is good for the kids even if they dont realize it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #228 ·
Who knows — he may have been discharged from the military for not fitting in or whatever. I don’t think that would be a huge surprise given his behavior. I didn’t realize you were so young when you met him and he was 10 years older with a lot more life experience than you.
I am in my 40s and my ex has been my one and only intimate partner. Never been with another man. Was faithful throughout our marriage too. I thought he was so mysterious and protective
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,955 Posts
I tried explaining to my son that I have plenty of documentation and professionals supporting me so no matter what his Dad says I am not going down without a fight. He says I am overconfident. I said we will see. Now his Dad cant make me angry or stressed daily and then I dont have to put my kids in the middle of that toxicity every day. No more venting about his fathers latest maneuverings, no more anxiety about what he will say or do next...it is good for the kids even if they dont realize it.
Your son is operating from a place of anxiety....his father's bullying is affecting him too.
.
Besides....your ex has left you little choice. You're doing what you have to do and the chips will fall. That is what you tell him.....your only other option is to let him back in and continue to abuse you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #230 ·
Your son is operating from a place of anxiety....his father's bullying is affecting him too.
.
Besides....your ex has left you little choice. You're doing what you have to do and the chips will fall. That is what you tell him.....your only other option is to let him back in and continue to abuse you.
Oh for sure! And he still has his own troubles apart from his core family. Unfortunately he is long past the age or stage where he has blind trust in Mom, like his little brother.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,989 Posts
I am in my 40s and my ex has been my one and only intimate partner. Never been with another man. Was faithful throughout our marriage too. I thought he was so mysterious and protective
Many of us have been to pulled in by someone who wasn’t what we thought. It’s what you do about that in the long-term that matters. You’re on the right path now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #232 ·
Well now I feel like crap. Apparently ex was going to get housing through VA if he had son for overnights. My order says no visitation so he cant get the apartment... I feel like a lot of my issues would have been if not solved then at least mitigated a bit. What do I do? Drop the order? There is housing for him about 2 hrs away from me for just him but he wont take it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #236 ·
It was just bad timing! I had barely gotten the order granted and he hadnt been served yet when I got the text saying he needed proof of visitation from me and the other offer 2 hrs away.. Of course I never responded because the order. My older son has no restriction on visiting his Dad, obviously, and has seen his Dad. Son is very sad. Didnt say anything but I can put 2 and 2 together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Discussion Starter · #237 ·
I mean he gets the place and he doesnt need the car to sleep in, he has access to son again because I never wanted to separate them in the first place, and he has a home base as it were to look for a stable job...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,989 Posts
You have allowed him to make his problems your problems and obviously that doesn’t benefit you. If he can’t cope with his life, that’s on him. Two hours away would be a good distance between the two of you and allow you some breathing room but my guess is he doesn’t want it because he wants to pressure you with his continued presence. It isn’t like he has a job keeping him in that spot.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,139 Posts
@Erudite ,

If you drop the order, he can live nearby and start to pressure and manipulate you again. Plus, pretty much no court will give you another RO when you’ve dropped one. That means you have no way to enforce him not bothering you. He’ll get the VA place, keep harassing you, and you’ll have backed yourself into a corner.

On the other hand, if he gets the place 2 hours away, the courts can enforce him not bothering you, he’ll have a place, he’ll be able to visit the children, and essentially all issues are solved EXCEPT he will be forced to not bother you.

THAT is the only issue right now. He is trying every trick in the book to pressure you to drop the RO so he can harass you again. Is he back out front again? If so, call the police!

Remember, it is not “you” being mean to him…it is society, a judge, and THE LAW saying he has gone too far and he must do this.
 
221 - 240 of 267 Posts
Top