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Discussion Starter · #201 ·
You know, @Erudite, you don’t have to “charge” every day. Some days it is a victory just to not slide backwards! If you need a rest, it’s okay to take one. Maybe today is a journal day, or a meditation/prayer day, or a day to read and think and learn.
I am working a 12hr day today. Dont get to see my boy, housework is piling up, and the ex just doesnt let up. I appreciate the sentiment. Maybe I can get some Netflix time in tonight. Any suggestions? Lol
 

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Well when you don't work you have a lot of time to harass someone.

Keep moving forward with the restraining order, keep all records of communication, call the police liberally, and otherwise do not engage him.

Won't leave your front door? Not a word...just call the police. Sends harassing texts/emails? Keep them but don't respond.

Remember that these tactics depend on a response from you so that's where your power lies.

He'll eventually find another victim. That's what happened with my friend....ex started to harass her less once he found someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #203 ·
Well when you don't work you have a lot of time to harass someone.

Keep moving forward with the restraining order, keep all records of communication, call the police liberally, and otherwise do not engage him.

Won't leave your front door? Not a word...just call the police. Sends harassing texts/emails? Keep them but don't respond.

Remember that these tactics depend on a response from you so that's where your power lies.

He'll eventually find another victim. That's what happened with my friend....ex started to harass her less once he found someone else.
I defer to your wisdom since I have no frame of reference. I am trying really really hard not to say anything to him beyond the bare minimum. I wish I could go completely no contact but that is not possible right now. I dont know how I feel about him finding another woman. Some weird mixture of relief and sadness? Dunno. Right now he is really trying to turn the kids against me. Whatever. Too tired to care right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #204 ·
Update: so you all know that ex has been living out of my car right outside my house since he was evicted. His saga with that landlady is still not over. Apparently SHE has served him with a restraining order. Only she gave the cops MY address as if he is living with me which he most definately is NOT. The cops show up at my door knocking, waking my neighbors at 8 at night. And of course they find him outside. Like what the hell. Now he is pissed. And I am legit worried to file my own order against him. Not afraid physically but who knows what he is liable to do next....my neighbors are pissed too. Uuuuugh!
 

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Who. Cares. What. He. Does?

File your own order and get him out of there now. Of course your neighbors don't want a bum living in the car on their street.

If you don't file it I can pretty much guarantee he'll end up back in your apt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #206 ·
I feel like its a lose lose situation. If I do it then he will have an even harder time getting a job and wanting to use and abuse me even more and the tiny sliver of hope that he will move on will be gone. If I don't even more of the same. I am so very very tired and sad. Really really sad.
 

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I feel like its a lose lose situation. If I do it then he will have an even harder time getting a job and wanting to use and abuse me even more and the tiny sliver of hope that he will move on will be gone. If I don't even more of the same. I am so very very tired and sad. Really really sad.
It IS a lose-lose situation, if you think there is going to be an easy way to pry him out of your life. There is NO easy way. It's all going to be ugly. So you just have to choose what to do based on what you want your FUTURE to look like.

I can tell you that if you don't file, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE. He will have a harder time getting a job...?? He refuses to get one now, so what does that matter? HIS consequences CANNOT matter to you - they are NOT your business!!! He is a highly intelligent adult man...whatever happens to him is what HE is choosing for himself. He is manipulating you like he's always done, and he will continue to do so as long as it keeps getting him what he wants.

Your focus needs to stay on what is better FOR YOU. What gives you the future and consequences that YOU want to live with. I would give him fair warning - leave me alone or I'm going to file, etc - and then follow through if he doesn't stop his disruptive, self-centered behavior. The only way to stop riding this wretched merry-go-round is to GET OFF of it.
 

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If I could very slightly modify what @LisaDiane said, I would not "give him fair warning" by saying "leave me alone or I will file an RO" as that tips your hand. If you are so inclined, I would write a letter (so it's in writing and usable as evidence in court) that says "Effective today's date, Nov. 13, 2021, you are not allowed on my property, not allowed in my home, and not allowed to contact me in any way, including speaking to me, writing to me, emailing me, texting me, calling me on the phone, sending private message on any social media, or in any other way. I do not want contact with you." Just like that. State that you do not want him in your life and keep it short.

He will complain that he "has to" be in touch regarding the kids, but he doesn't!
 

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If I could very slightly modify what @LisaDiane said, I would not "give him fair warning" by saying "leave me alone or I will file an RO" as that tips your hand. If you are so inclined, I would write a letter (so it's in writing and usable as evidence in court) that says "Effective today's date, Nov. 13, 2021, you are not allowed on my property, not allowed in my home, and not allowed to contact me in any way, including speaking to me, writing to me, emailing me, texting me, calling me on the phone, sending private message on any social media, or in any other way. I do not want contact with you." Just like that. State that you do not want him in your life and keep it short.

He will complain that he "has to" be in touch regarding the kids, but he doesn't!
I will always defer to your experience and understanding!
 

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Update: so you all know that ex has been living out of my car right outside my house since he was evicted. His saga with that landlady is still not over. Apparently SHE has served him with a restraining order. Only she gave the cops MY address as if he is living with me which he most definately is NOT. The cops show up at my door knocking, waking my neighbors at 8 at night. And of course they find him outside. Like what the hell. Now he is pissed. And I am legit worried to file my own order against him. Not afraid physically but who knows what he is liable to do next....my neighbors are pissed too. Uuuuugh!

I'm starting to think many of the issues you are dealing with are because you are much to passive. You become paralyzed by indecision because you worry how others will feel or react....your ex, your boys, the police, your neighbors. Empathy is a wonderful trait but it shouldn't be at the sacrifice of your own quality of life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #212 ·
My ex told me that I tend to make panic decisions. I wiffle and waffle until something makes me panic and then I do something dumb. I am always doing a . something dumb or breaks my heart. Like after the cops served his Dad RO from the ex landlady papers my younger son came in. His Dad tried to follow and my son was paniced. No, Dad, you can't come in. Mom will be mad. His Dad left. I hate doing this to him. I am trying to protect him but its not working. I am trying to do the hard things, really, I just don't want to be so muddleheaded all the time and its all my own fault. I mean you guys are practically giving me an instruction manual and I keep messing up.
 

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My ex told me that I tend to make panic decisions. I wiffle and waffle until something makes me panic and then I do something dumb. I am always doing a . something dumb or breaks my heart. Like after the cops served his Dad RO from the ex landlady papers my younger son came in. His Dad tried to follow and my son was paniced. No, Dad, you can't come in. Mom will be mad. His Dad left. I hate doing this to him. I am trying to protect him but its not working. I am trying to do the hard things, really, I just don't want to be so muddleheaded all the time and its all my own fault. I mean you guys are practically giving me an instruction manual and I keep messing up.
Don't beat yourself up. Just keep him out of the apartment. Get a RO of your own when you can. You are doing great. Please give yourself a break. Remember it will take a little while but life does get better when you lose the dead weight.
 

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My ex told me that I tend to make panic decisions. I wiffle and waffle until something makes me panic and then I do something dumb. I am always doing a . something dumb or breaks my heart. Like after the cops served his Dad RO from the ex landlady papers my younger son came in. His Dad tried to follow and my son was paniced. No, Dad, you can't come in. Mom will be mad. His Dad left. I hate doing this to him. I am trying to protect him but its not working. I am trying to do the hard things, really, I just don't want to be so muddleheaded all the time and its all my own fault. I mean you guys are practically giving me an instruction manual and I keep messing up.
ok this way of thinking is because you have been in an abusive relationship far too long. You are believing his version of you. This is not who you are! Dig deep and realize that you have balls an you are mighty! He is trying to reel you back, he has kept you small and doubting yourself so he could keep you for all of those years.

You are not muddleheaded. You are not all wiffle waffle. You have been fed a line and you believe it. I'm here to tell you that you are strong and smart and savvy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #215 ·
ok this way of thinking is because you have been in an abusive relationship far too long. You are believing his version of you. This is not who you are! Dig deep and realize that you have balls an you are mighty! He is trying to reel you back, he has kept you small and doubting yourself so he could keep you for all of those years.

You are not muddleheaded. You are not all wiffle waffle. You have been fed a line and you believe it. I'm here to tell you that you are strong and smart and savvy.
Thank you. I am trying to be strong and smart and savvy. But it doesn't feel natural. I don't want to slip back into old patterns but sometimes, alot of times, I slip back without realizing. Old habits die hard. Especially when you don't remember any other way of being...
 

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Discussion Starter · #216 ·
Update: I feal like a real piece of crap since it is the day before Thanksgiving but I filed, and was granted, a temp restraining order this morning. You guys kept telling me he is just going to keep pushing and he finally pushed me too far these past 2 days. I called my domestic violence caseworker and she went with me. Plus she is going to set me up with a lawyer. Uuuuuuuugh!
 

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Discussion Starter · #219 ·
They did NOT grant me exclusive use of the car. They did grant me custody with no visitation. Which if its my only transportation how am I going to work or do errands. And now I can't just work out a schedule like the car is a kid because no contact. My head hurts. And I bawled like a baby.
 

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@Erudite,

I suspect you weren't granted exclusive use of the car because there's enough paperwork to make it questionable exactly whose car it is. In other words, if X, Y, and Z paperwork show it's his, it's at minimum "in question" so no judge is going to make a decision in a temporary RO hearing. There'd have to be evidence presented, and most likely even that evidence will be focused on the restraining part...not the details of the divorce. For now, the custody without visitation is just to literally restrain him from ANY contact with you in any way...until there can be a trial.

So to go to work and do errands you can: a) walk, b) bike, c) take the bus, d) borrow a car from your family, e) rent a car, f) take a taxi or uber. Honestly, I've done all six! I lived a mile from the nearest Walmart and grocery store, so I rode the bus to work, rode the bus toward home and got off at the grocery store or Walmart, bought what I needed, and walked home. Yeah, I remember feeling sad--walking home carrying groceries in the dark--but I also remember feeling free and feeling at peace. While I walked home, I enjoyed the homes, met neighbors, saw beautiful flowers, and realized I lived in a neat place. Sometimes, when I had too much to carry, I called an uber and paid $5 for the lift ... plus a tip.

I'm not saying it will be easy, but you CAN do this, and it's only for a short time. It will be inconvenient. But then, you'll find a way to get a car of your own, and he will NEVER, EVER be able to strand you without transportation again, because it will be YOURS. You can take that away from him and take back your own power.
 
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