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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A little back story. I moved out with my children 5 months ago. My ex was in a dispute with the landlord at the time. I had been paying all the rent as my ex was unemployed with no benefits for 3 years. I never once missed a payment nor missed a payment for untilities. Previously we lost our own house and evicted from our next home due to my husbands chronic unemployment. I found a good job, got certified in my field, and seemed to be able to keep things afloat. Even during covid. Then my ex got into it with the landlord anx even though their was no qualm with me or the children wanted us out because of him. It was the final straw. In addition to years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse he was getting us thrown out...again.

Before we could be evicted I managed to find my own place and moved. This new place is temporary. Money is tight, but rent gets paid on time etc etc. I told him he was not welcome to live in my new home. My ex had no choice but to stay in the old place and fought the land lord in court. He lost. He is appealing. He is still not working. I do not know what his finances look like. I pay his cell bill because it was a family plan under my name and I want the kids to be able to contact their Dad.

It has been 5 months since I moved. I feel incredibly guilty. He has had a couple of interviews but things haven't panned out for him. He resents me. He has lost weight, been drinking more. I don't now what to do.Do I offer to let him stay with us? ( I don't want to) Do I let him become homless? And if I do that what to do about visitation? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
 

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I'm not sure about the legality of your actions. As your spouse, he may have a legal right to live wherever you call home. Almost certainly he has a right to some sort of financial support although this varies by state.

Of course it only matters if he makes an issue of it, sounds like he isn't capable of doing much of anything.

As far as what to do? I didn't read your back posts, but if he's physically and emotionally abusive to you and the children then if I was you I'd keep him as far away as possible (but consider limited and supervised visitation with his children).

Rather then just saying "I'm moving away with the kids and you can't come with us", file for divorce and make this legal and permanent.
 

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So sorry for the mess, you find yourself in.

From the sound of it, you are a great mother and provider for your family.

You took care of your husband even though he did not deserve it.

Yes, let him find his bottom, carry him no more.

You did your best, save your energies and finances for your children.
You represent their future, dare ye' not let them down.

He did that, God did he.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I do want to be fair to him and own my faults. I was a SAHM for over ten years. He cycled through jobs ( read fired or quit) like candy but I made it work. I redid his resume for him, found jobs for him, dressed him for work and interviews. Kept the house clean, made lunch for him every day. Took care of our kids. I, we, had a pretty good life.Things really went downhill fast. The times between jobs got longer and longer. I got depressed. Things got worse. I let myself go. I realised I needed to work but as a SAHM I had no experience so my jobs did not pay well enough to keep the house from being foreclosed. I had to pay for daycare even though he wasn't working. I had no clue about public assistance at the time.

Then I found us a place that would take us with poor credit. It was too expensive for me, even working full time. We lost that place too. I had started having nightmares. Anxiety attacks. High blood pressure. Drove an uninspected car for years. He claimed we were too far away from civilisation now for him to get a job. And the emotional abuse started ramping up. I somehow managed to find us yet another place. I found him a job. Things were okay for a year or so then he got fired...again and now no umemployment. By now I had a better very stable job in healthcare, got certified, (not bad for only a highschool education)was starting to do well for myself and the emotional abuse escalated. Then the verbal. It got physical once where he grabbed me by the throat. Taped a receipt for condoms to the door (it was for my teenager but my ex made it sound like cheating.) He would take the money from our joint checking and move it to an account with only his name. He wouldn't clean. He began to hoard. He would not go to doctors. He stopped sleeping and would wake me up to lecture me for hours. I went to work crying and exhausted most days. I had a major surgery and had no help at home. Then the landlord fight. And I could not take it. Was I wrong?

I thought my moving would wake him up. Change. I would get back with him probably if he would just work! But no he won't. He doesnt pay child support and I havent asked. I let him have our youngest every single weekend. I don't know what to do.
 

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A little back story. I moved out with my children 5 months ago. My ex was in a dispute with the landlord at the time. I had been paying all the rent as my ex was unemployed with no benefits for 3 years. I never once missed a payment nor missed a payment for untilities. Previously we lost our own house and evicted from our next home due to my husbands chronic unemployment. I found a good job, got certified in my field, and seemed to be able to keep things afloat. Even during covid. Then my ex got into it with the landlord anx even though their was no qualm with me or the children wanted us out because of him. It was the final straw. In addition to years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse he was getting us thrown out...again.

Before we could be evicted I managed to find my own place and moved. This new place is temporary. Money is tight, but rent gets paid on time etc etc. I told him he was not welcome to live in my new home. My ex had no choice but to stay in the old place and fought the land lord in court. He lost. He is appealing. He is still not working. I do not know what his finances look like. I pay his cell bill because it was a family plan under my name and I want the kids to be able to contact their Dad.

It has been 5 months since I moved. I feel incredibly guilty. He has had a couple of interviews but things haven't panned out for him. He resents me. He has lost weight, been drinking more. I don't now what to do.Do I offer to let him stay with us? ( I don't want to) Do I let him become homless? And if I do that what to do about visitation? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
Booze ain’t cheap. 🤷🏻‍♂️
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't know how to use the quote feature but thank you for the titanic analogy. It makes me feel better. You asked about filing for the divorce. At first I thought he would have an epiphany but as months went by I knew he wouldn't and then he was going tocourt for the eviction and he was threatening to kill himself. Plus I figured if I ticked him off now he would make me pay later and try to get my youngest from me.
 

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I do want to be fair to him and own my faults. I was a SAHM for over ten years. He cycled through jobs ( read fired or quit) like candy but I made it work. I redid his resume for him, found jobs for him, dressed him for work and interviews. Kept the house clean, made lunch for him every day. Took care of our kids. I, we, had a pretty good life.Things really went downhill fast. The times between jobs got longer and longer. I got depressed. Things got worse. I let myself go. I realised I needed to work but as a SAHM I had no experience so my jobs did not pay well enough to keep the house from being foreclosed. I had to pay for daycare even though he wasn't working. I had no clue about public assistance at the time.

Then I found us a place that would take us with poor credit. It was too expensive for me, even working full time. We lost that place too. I had started having nightmares. Anxiety attacks. High blood pressure. Drove an uninspected car for years. He claimed we were too far away from civilisation now for him to get a job. And the emotional abuse started ramping up. I somehow managed to find us yet another place. I found him a job. Things were okay for a year or so then he got fired...again and now no umemployment. By now I had a better very stable job in healthcare, got certified, (not bad for only a highschool education)was starting to do well for myself and the emotional abuse escalated. Then the verbal. It got physical once where he grabbed me by the throat. Taped a receipt for condoms to the door (it was for my teenager but my ex made it sound like cheating.) He would take the money from our joint checking and move it to an account with only his name. He wouldn't clean. He began to hoard. He would not go to doctors. He stopped sleeping and would wake me up to lecture me for hours. I went to work crying and exhausted most days. I had a major surgery and had no help at home. Then the landlord fight. And I could not take it. Was I wrong?

I thought my moving would wake him up. Change. I would get back with him probably if he would just work! But no he won't. He doesnt pay child support and I havent asked. I let him have our youngest every single weekend. I don't know what to do.
Come on @Erudite, stop with the guilt. If there's a dude that deserves not second thoughts that's your pathetic excuse of a man Ex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Gus, I know he is selling some of his stuff and buys bottom shelf booze but thats all I know of his finances. I asked for help for my sons band rentals and said he couldnt afford it.
 

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I feel incredibly guilty. He has had a couple of interviews but things haven't panned out for him. He resents me. He has lost weight, been drinking more. I Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
I propped my ex up for years. I had primary residence and needed her to have something decent to live in for visitation. It wasn't alamony, and it wasnt all the time but it adds up to a lot of dough. After a decade of that happy horseshit, the kids were grown, i quit helping, and she found a way to make it in her own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Karmagoround, do you think I should at least help him search for a place to live then? My oldest is 19 so not an issue but the youngest has a long way to go. I dont want him to visit his Dad in the shelter. I also dont want dad to use him as a crutch. I keep him with me for school but his Dad takes him every weekend. He lovez him more than me I think and often asks why I am so mean to Dad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you Rob, I have journals full of wwhy I was justified butvthe guilt remains. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he is the only man I have ever in my whole life been intimate with. Or just low self esteem. My therapist is working on that....
 

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I don't know how to use the quote feature but thank you for the titanic analogy. It makes me feel better. You asked about filing for the divorce. At first I thought he would have an epiphany but as months went by I knew he wouldn't and then he was going tocourt for the eviction and he was threatening to kill himself. Plus I figured if I ticked him off now he would make me pay later and try to get my youngest from me.
You had coddled/enabled him for far too long doing everything you could to keep your family, but HE didn't do his part. HE should have been supporting the family. Why the chronic leaving of jobs for him? I'm SURE it was someone else's fault.

Look, he is an adult, and capable of making his OWN decisions for HIS LIFE. It's not on you if he makes bad decisions.
 

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Let him hit bottom. If that means he becomes homeless, so be it. Don't enable him - you've already done that and you see what that got you. I was married to an alcoholic who was chronically unemployed due to getting fired more times than I can count.

Feel guilty if you must, but let your husband live with the consequences of his choices. Don't bail him out.

My ex ultimately drank himself to death. And when he died, he was out of work - again. His brother was footing the bills at the end. Better him than me.
 

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Karmagoround, do you think I should at least help him search for a place to live then? My oldest is 19 so not an issue but the youngest has a long way to go. I dont want him to visit his Dad in the shelter. I also dont want dad to use him as a crutch. I keep him with me for school but his Dad takes him every weekend. He lovez him more than me I think and often asks why I am so mean to Dad.
He made his bed let him figure it out. People like this will just drag you down with them. Wake up here!!!
 

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You need to concentrate on yourself and the children. This man is pathetic and abusive.
You aren't his mum and he isn't a child. If he wants to get his life together then he must act like an adult and do it himself. You have enabled his bad behaviour up till now and kept him dependant on you.
Get that divorce started and tell the lawyer about the abuse.
 

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I don't know how to use the quote feature
There are two ways to quote. First, just hit the "Reply" button under the post you're responding to. Second, as I have done here, highlight the specific text you want to quote. When you do, there will be a pop up with "Reply" and "Quote" that's floating near the highlighted text. Click on "Reply". It may be harder to do on a phone. I haven't tried it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
jlg, yes it was always someone elses fault. Not getting paid what he was worth. Expecting special treatment, not getting it. Breaking rules. Etc etc

Alot of people have talked about coddling and enabling. I can see it for what it was/is now but for years I was terrified, not of getting hurt physically so much, but that if I did one wrong thing HE would leave ME! I know that sounds ass backwards now but when I was in the middle of it? Those lectures he gave me were constant. I was/am in this cognitive dissonance battle. He would tell me that if I left him I would have nothing. He tells me now that I chose to break up the family and if it wasn't for him I would have nothing. He still makes me feel like I owe him.

Prodigal, I wish I had the strength of your convictions. You appear to have gone through so much and don't feel guilty. I wish I could muster those feelings. I wish I could get angry. I deserve to be angry! Yet all I feel is extreme sadness, guilt, and pity. Not to mention exhaustion. I fell asleep last night right in the middle of our conversation.
 
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