Looking for some advice on separation/divorce.
I have been married for 17 years, and we have three boys, 11, 13 and 14. Kids adore their dad, and he is an excellent father. He has been involved in all their activities, and coaches whatever sport they play – soccer, hockey, baseball. Takes them swimming, skating, roller-blading, fishing, boating,… I just wish my husband would love me ½ as much, or would pay me a 1/3 of attention he pays to kids.
I came to realize that in our marriage he really wanted kids, and I became an afterthought, just a part of the package. Over the years I have thought of leaving him. We have been to family counselling twice, but it didn’t really work, and more and more I just feel like a fifth wheel.
We never had real conflict, not even real fights, I just feel that our marriage is like a punctured balloon, and most of the air is out. I feel lonely and often ignored.
Four years ago, while my husband was away on a job assignment, I moved out of a common bedroom, intent on initiating a divorce. But kids begged me not to, husband came back, we went on a vacation down South, and things settled down into the usual routine. We still sleep in different bedrooms, and our intimate life died out about 3 years ago.
A little more than a year ago I told my husband that I wanted out, and retained a lawyer who sent my husband a letter in which it was stated that I consider myself separated from him. But then the Covid happened, and we settled into a “groundhog day” routine, hosted friends, visited friends, took kids on hikes, bike rides, went on a one-week vacation to a cottage. I was hesitant to announce to our friends that I wanted out because all our friends come from my husband’s ethnic circle where divorce is frowned upon, and I was afraid that I would be shunned.
Finally I decided to force the issue, and talked to a lawyer. The lawyer told me that I may not be able to prove that we separated a year ago when my husband received a letter from my first lawyer, because I did not tell anyone that I am considering leaving my husband, because we went on a few dates together to a restaurant, on a few dates to a spa, we eat meals together, watch TV together, go visit friends together, exercise together. I spend time with my husband for my own sake, because otherwise I would have noone else to even talk to. Kids prefer to do “boy stuff” with their father, and we can only do the things that I like with kids when my husband is not around. The lawyer says that I might have to file for a divorce and wait for one year from the filing, and gave me a list of things “to do and not to do” so that a case can be made that we are living “separate and apart”.
I am afraid, though, that while we deal with the divorce (which my husband still opposes), the kids, who I know do not want me to divorce my husband, will blame me for breaking up the family and will grow even more attached to their dad. By the time the divorce reaches a trial (and it seems it might go that way), I am afraid that I will run out of money, and, even if I get a divorce, kids, who would be 12, 14, and 15, will choose to live with their dad.
I am in this terrible place where I feel that I cannot stay in this marriage any longer, but I am horrified of loosing the kids. Is it worth staying in the marriage “for kids sake?”
I have been married for 17 years, and we have three boys, 11, 13 and 14. Kids adore their dad, and he is an excellent father. He has been involved in all their activities, and coaches whatever sport they play – soccer, hockey, baseball. Takes them swimming, skating, roller-blading, fishing, boating,… I just wish my husband would love me ½ as much, or would pay me a 1/3 of attention he pays to kids.
I came to realize that in our marriage he really wanted kids, and I became an afterthought, just a part of the package. Over the years I have thought of leaving him. We have been to family counselling twice, but it didn’t really work, and more and more I just feel like a fifth wheel.
We never had real conflict, not even real fights, I just feel that our marriage is like a punctured balloon, and most of the air is out. I feel lonely and often ignored.
Four years ago, while my husband was away on a job assignment, I moved out of a common bedroom, intent on initiating a divorce. But kids begged me not to, husband came back, we went on a vacation down South, and things settled down into the usual routine. We still sleep in different bedrooms, and our intimate life died out about 3 years ago.
A little more than a year ago I told my husband that I wanted out, and retained a lawyer who sent my husband a letter in which it was stated that I consider myself separated from him. But then the Covid happened, and we settled into a “groundhog day” routine, hosted friends, visited friends, took kids on hikes, bike rides, went on a one-week vacation to a cottage. I was hesitant to announce to our friends that I wanted out because all our friends come from my husband’s ethnic circle where divorce is frowned upon, and I was afraid that I would be shunned.
Finally I decided to force the issue, and talked to a lawyer. The lawyer told me that I may not be able to prove that we separated a year ago when my husband received a letter from my first lawyer, because I did not tell anyone that I am considering leaving my husband, because we went on a few dates together to a restaurant, on a few dates to a spa, we eat meals together, watch TV together, go visit friends together, exercise together. I spend time with my husband for my own sake, because otherwise I would have noone else to even talk to. Kids prefer to do “boy stuff” with their father, and we can only do the things that I like with kids when my husband is not around. The lawyer says that I might have to file for a divorce and wait for one year from the filing, and gave me a list of things “to do and not to do” so that a case can be made that we are living “separate and apart”.
I am afraid, though, that while we deal with the divorce (which my husband still opposes), the kids, who I know do not want me to divorce my husband, will blame me for breaking up the family and will grow even more attached to their dad. By the time the divorce reaches a trial (and it seems it might go that way), I am afraid that I will run out of money, and, even if I get a divorce, kids, who would be 12, 14, and 15, will choose to live with their dad.
I am in this terrible place where I feel that I cannot stay in this marriage any longer, but I am horrified of loosing the kids. Is it worth staying in the marriage “for kids sake?”