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Both my husband and I have very successful careers, being able to have a nice life and save more than a half of our earning. I'm 30 and he's 32 years old, and we're planning to start working on kid next year. I'm kind of person that always wanted to be a mother and had difficulties understand that my husband needed more time, despite having met all the conditions required to raise the kid properly. So, as per his wish, we "agreed" to start working on it from next year (well, not agreed, I just accepted what he proposed as I had no choice). I always wanted to be a business woman as well, to earn money and help my family have a nice life and nice future, but maternity is something I really want to do properly. As there is hight probability that we will have twins, I was thinking that going back after 6 weeks after delivery (this is as per my contract) should be too soon. Therefore, all hypothetically speaking, I suggested to my husband that in a case that we get twins I think it might be a good idea for me to stay at home for 6 months. He exploded when he heard that and said that I'm not kind of wife he was looking for and that he expects me yo get back to work after 3 month max. Even with his salary, we could have nice life and still save, and for me would be quite easy to find a job after six months. Even though I tried to explain that I don't want to fail as a mother, that my career maters by my kids as well, he did't want to listen. He said that we're not going to lose x amount of money that I earn per month just because I want to raise twins. Again, my idea was to have 6 month break only. And in a case that we would get twins, that would be my only maternity leave, as we don't plan more than 2. I tried to explain that 6 month time in my whole career wouldn't mean a lot, but would mean to our kids which I would like to breastfeed, but it was useless. He reacted quite badly and accused me to be lazy etc. Plus, there's no option for me to have part-time job, it would be 12 hours per day at least... I would like to hear other peoples' opinion and see if I'm maybe wrong...
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Why are you so sure you're going to have twins? I'm a 7th generation twin, used fertility drugs/treatments, and I didn't even have twins. (Same with my sis)

With that said, your husband is being selfish. Sounds like you can afford it.
 
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Whether you have twins or not 6 months is more than reasonable time to stay home with an infant, especially for the first one. The transition is so vastly different that it's hard to say how things will go for you.

I wouldn't have a baby with a man with that attitude. Sounds like he would expect you to be super Mom.
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I love it when I get to take on the roll of the wizened grandmother!


Don't worry about "the plan." Don't try to hash this out to a point of agreement, for right now. While your hormones and longing for children are on a tangible emotional level, his feelings are on the abstract. He simply cannot fathom the love he will feel for this child. Intellectually, he knows but he can't feel it, yet. He can't feel the worry, the deep concern and dread of leaving your prescious and perfect baby to go to work. He just doesn't get it.

But he will:D

Once you are pregnant and he hears the heart beat, sees the ultrasound and then holds his perfect infant he will be flooded with the exact same hormones you're tasting right now and his tune will change. Perhaps drastically, perhaps incrementally, but they will change.

So until he holds that perfectly prescious newborn and feels that incredible surge of protectiveness that all father's feel, just listen to his concerns about finances. End those conversations by telling him you understand his concerns about finances and you would never want to place undue burden on him, financial.

Staying home for a longer period of time can be a decision that happens after the birth of your baby. Taking your time to go back to work can give you plenty of time to physically heal and learn to be a mother. Learn your baby and how he/she communicates. Personally I think 6 weeks is dangerously too soon, whether you have a single baby or twins! Your body is not healed fully, your hormones are not back to normal, you're not getting enough sleep in order to heal fully. Your energy level is still dragging.

Some women look forward to going back to work while others dread it. You can't really predict how you will feel until then. Cross that bridge when you come to it. He thinks he's got an Eazy-Pass to cross quickly, but that toll only accepts pennies counted in front of the toll taker...who has a stinky diaper and spit up on her shirt.
 
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I agree with Anon Pink.

No first time parent is really ready for what parenting as it truly like. It's a learn as you go thing.

You say that you could find a job easily. Then why not start looking now for a job that will give you more options once you are pregnant?

I don't know what career field you are in. But I'll use the company I work for as an example... it's an large engineering firm.

Last year one of the women on our team had a baby. She got the 6 weeks full maternity leave. Then she was able to work half time from home for another 6 months. She's been back to work full time for several months now, but she can work from home most of the time. Usually she only comes into the office when there is a meeting that she has to be there for or she needs to do things like work in a lab. She was paid full time for the first 6 weeks and then half time for the months that she worked half time.

She does have someone who comes is to help with house work and watches the baby on some days so she is not distracted from work.

We also have 1 year of short term disability. Years ago when I was pregnant with twins, I ended up bed ridden for most of the pregnancy. I could not keep food or water down. So I had to go to get hydrated fairly often. The pregnancy did not end well as the twins were still born (sorry to bring this up, but I need to, to make my point.) After the pregnancy I was sick for several months with a very bad infection. Thank goodness for the short term disability because I was paid full time income during those months that I was off. When I went back to work, my job was waiting for me thanks to the family leave laws.

A couple of years after that pregnancy we adopted a 10 day old baby boy (he's 26 now :) ). I was again able to take 6 weeks paid time off for the adoption since that's the policy for adoptions. After that I worked at home about 50% of the time. Until he was in junior high, I had someone who would help watch him while I was working at home. So when I took a break, I could spend time with him. But when I had to concentrate on work, she'd take care of him.

The girls/women I hired were: 1) a high school student who worked summers, evenings and weekends. She did this through high school and college. 2) a couple of SAHM who had a daughter of her own. So my son had a playmate too. And then there was my mom who helped out. All of these were very good, loving women.

My company also gives a father 6 weeks off when his wife has a new baby or they adopt. It’s recognized more and more by companies that a baby has two parents. Your husband should be doing 50% of the child rearing so it makes sense that he take this time.

At my company the fathers take turns with their wives in taking time off to care for a sick child, take a child to a doc appointment, attend school functions, etc.

With pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child, you never know what you will face. So having as much backup as possible is very important.

I just wanted to give you a different perspective. I've worked full time most of my son's life. And I've been able to take good care of him and give him tons of quality time. Today he has a dual BS in physics and applied mathematics. He's now working on the MS in physics and will be transferring into the PHD program next fall. While that's not the only measure of how well he's doing, it's a big one.
 

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Your husband wants money more than a happy wife/mom and a healthy child. Don't have a child until you solve this. You two can afford for you to stay home with your child, whether you have twins for one child. I had planned on going back to work after I had my child but as I sat in my rocking chair rocking him to sleep I couldn't imagine not being there every second, so I quit working. Best decision I every made. You should stay home with your baby. They need that bonding.

If you have a baby and went back to work right away because your husband insists you do you will be resentful, unhappy, stressed and not be a good employee because you will be so upset after you drop off your baby or leave him with a stranger at home to take care of. This will also affect your marriage because you will be feeling resentful.
 

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Why does he want children?

Some people view it as a marking something off their "to do" list. Going into it with the idea that neither of you will invest much time into actually raising them seems to be rather pointless.

His approach to parenting would turn me right off even having children with him. It doesn't sound like he could give a stuff about his future children. He wants a wife who'll pop out kids, dump them at daycare and go earn more money.
 

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I understand the need to be prepared for when you think you would have children. No one really knows how having children would affect them. There are so many things that can happen and throw all your plans into disarray.

But it seems like you did a good thing bringing this subject up with your husband. Now you know what your husband thinks and feel regarding having children, money and in some extend you.

Now, if this was me. I will be so sad and disappointed that the man I choose to love and live with, feels this way. I would hope that I am more than a paycheck check to him.

To think that he has no protective instincts to his yet to be children, is disappointing and hurtful. It's not like you are broke and never going back to work. His reaction is very telling.

Your husband is not ready to be a father. He needs to hoard his money in order to be happy and safe. Your bringing in a child and talking about taking time off, is disruptive to his happiness and wellbeing.

Now, if I was in your shoe, I would just try to get out of this situation. The reasons: I don't feel like he is going to be supportive of me when i am not bring in a paycheck.
I would wonder if he will be able to love and care for our child/ren.
Would he be the dad that wakes up in the middle of the night to help?
Would he run at the sight of problems?

Lots of think of. Don't get pregnant in the foreseeable future...

And more importantly, do not let your husband control the martial money. You should have an equal knowledge and say in where every penny is or spent. Know where the money is held and always know your account # and balance, monthly or weekly. BE there when the bills are paid. And have an individual account with a few hundred dollars in it. Or just start a saving account with just you.
 

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p.s. I am a SAHM since, my kids were 5 and 3.5. I had to leave my 5 figure job as an analyst because my son was getting sick so often. I never planned to stay at home, I was not one of those women. But life throws stuff at you and you deal with them.

My kids tell me all the time, their are happy I stay with them. My bank account says differently. My husband is so proud that he is able to care for us. And so proud of me and happy, that I can handle everything in our daily lives. Now my d is off to college and son is an honor student.

I am going back to work in the spring of next year. I want to take some classes to brush up on my skills. So life throws you all sort of stuff. You just have to make sure you are willing to accept the challenges. Or run like hell.
 

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Well, one way to get his ego going is to tell him that once you are back to work, he must be available if baby needs to be taken care such as: doctors appointment, unscheduled colds, and especially night time feedings. Let see what his reaction will be. Also, price out how much full time babysitter will cost him.
 

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Your husband sounds immature and insensitive. :( Not very good at talking about disagreements too.

6 months it's not that much and you seem financially capable of doing so. Do you have separate accounts or joint one? Do you have pocket money accounts?

Maybe you can save some money, enough to make up for the extra 3 months of salary so then he can't say that you are not contributing enough. Thought again 3 months is not really much and he should be more sensitive.


If it was me I'd start to feel emotionally unsafe with a husband who is so unsupportive of my mothering decisions. Getting pregnant and taking care of the babies in the first months or years is probably one of the most vulnerable times for women, that a man who is supportive can make a huge difference.
Not that I had kids yet, but at least I'd feel this way.

Thought this is also not a necessarily unsolvable situation, perhaps he needs some facts and 3rd opinions to make him more sensitive to this matter. Many men probably wouldn't understand the needs of a mother or future mother.
 

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I am curious/concerned about his reaction. Exploded is a pretty strong description to use. Why such an extreme reaction?

Anger is usually the result of fear or hurt. It would do you some good to dig into this to find out why there was such a strong and unwarranted reaction to a relatively reasonable request.
 
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