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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, I need your help.
After 10 years with my partner some issues surfaced and I wonder whether I should break up. We live abroad since 8 yrs with no family or relatives close.
Issues are:
1. He doesn't want to ever join me on vacation with some important people in my life. I tell him that from the overall 3 weeks vacation, he can spend the 2 of them the way he wants with his friends and 1 week with me and my cousin/sister etc. He refuses that!
2. He wants to send our parents in a hotel when they come for longer than one week. My parents rarely visit and I don't want to send them in a hotel. I have a strong bond with them whereas my partner is very distant with his parents.
3. When I ask him in case of a health issue if he will support me financially, he responds that first I will have to use part of my savings till I reach his saved amount (cause it happens that I have a bit more saved), and once I reach his, he will support.I am financially independent but I wanted to know if he will have my back.
4. I struggle with anxiety disorder and my dad came for support for 10 days, when I asked my dad to stay one week longer my partner got pissed off. He was very rude to my dad and was telling me I need to put boundaries while I was in the worst state I have ever been. Couldn't eat or do anything else. My dad visited us for the first time in 8 yrs and came for care.
5. He doesn't seem to understand or regret any of the above. We talked a lot and he said I should congratulate him for the way he handled the situation while my dad was with us. Couldn't believe my ears
6. I asked him to bring help for the housekeeping while I was feeling ****ty and he refused with shouting and telling me I should get rid of my perfectionist tendency. I just wanted to test his support and love one more time and he failed.
It's my first long term relationship and I really don't know whether I should try any longer or I should just leave.
What do you guys advise?
Thank you dears
 

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I just wanted to test his support and love one more time and he failed.
^THIS^ stood out to me. Don't give "tests" to a partner as a way to determine their worthiness. It's childish.

I'm only getting your side of the story. I'm sure his side is vastly different. Nevertheless, you are the one asking for advice, not him. So my take on it is you two simply aren't compatible. You have completely different points of view on issues like family, finances, and how to deal with each other if one of you gets sick.

How old are you? How old is your partner?

P.S. - You asked for opinions, so here's mine: I'd get out of this relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
^THIS^ stood out to me. Don't give "tests" to a partner as a way to determine their worthiness. It's childish.

I'm only getting your side of the story. I'm sure his side is vastly different. Nevertheless, you are the one asking for advice, not him. So my take on it is you two simply aren't compatible. You have completely different points of view on issues like family, finances, and how to deal with each other if one of you gets sick.

How old are you? How old is your partner?

P.S. - You asked for opinions, so here's mine: I'd get out of this relationship.
Thank you for your comment,
I am 30 and he is 34. My aim is to understand whether I am exaggerating or whether these issues are indeed red flags. I suggested him couple's therapy too but he refused.
 

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He gave you his stance on the issues you mentioned. The thing is, you've had 10 years to determine whether or not he's the right person for you.

Was he always this way?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He gave you his stance on the issues you mentioned. The thing is, you've had 10 years to determine whether or not he's the right person for you.

Was he always this way?
Before 3 yrs I wanted to help my parents move to the country we live because the salaries are better and they are still young. They would live in a city close to ours and then my bf told me that I had to choose between him and my parents cause he didn't want them to come and live in the same county. At that moment I was very sad I'd his reaction but settled.

He has always been controlling but not to the point for me to feel that my needs aren't net, except from the issue with the parents. Now that I insisted more in my needs to be met he said that he would do anything for me but for nobody else. I suppose he thinks that I want my parents to live with us which is not true. I explained many times but doesn't seem to understand.
 

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... my bf told me that I had to choose between him and my parents cause he didn't want them to come and live in the same county.
If I were you, I'd pick my parents over this man.

He doesn't want to change. He isn't interested in couples counseling. He's controlling, which indicates to me he wants things his way. My guess is you are asking for something he can't provide you; namely, empathy. You're unhappy. He doesn't care. Time to leave and pull the plug on this one. Sorry.
 
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Welcome to TAM @Zetaki311 I am sorry to say this but you have been with him for 10 years and he is probably only going to get worse. You are still young and sound like a kind and caring person in my opinion you need to just have a clean break ,move on with your life and find a loving and caring person you deserve. Best of luck!
 

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You need to ask yourself this question. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is no then leave. You aren't married so you have no divorce to go through.
He does sound unreasonable when it comes to your family.
 

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It seems your partner seems to be a simply bad person. How can you live with him for 10 years? Are you married? How did you put up with this crap for so long?
 

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This may sound harsh but you sound very immature, and **** testing your partner is a perfect example.

Would you deplete your savings if he got sick? Or expect him to pay his fair share? A 30 year old woman who has her dad come for an extended stay because she has anxiety? Really? Not understanding why someone doesn't want other people staying in their home for two or three week periods, frankly that sounds awful to me.

You're not married and it sounds like you keep your financies seperate to some degree, and most importantly you aren't feeling love and support from your partner. Why not call it quits and head back home to your family?
 

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Are your parents not living in Greece?
 

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This relationship will almost certainly never be a happy one. Get out now. Are you planning to have kids? If so, you need to find someone compatible. Don't get pregnant by this loser. You deserve better than what you're getting.
 

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Hi everyone, I need your help.
After 10 years with my partner some issues surfaced and I wonder whether I should break up. We live abroad since 8 yrs with no family or relatives close.
Issues are:
1. He doesn't want to ever join me on vacation with some important people in my life. I tell him that from the overall 3 weeks vacation, he can spend the 2 of them the way he wants with his friends and 1 week with me and my cousin/sister etc. He refuses that!
2. He wants to send our parents in a hotel when they come for longer than one week. My parents rarely visit and I don't want to send them in a hotel. I have a strong bond with them whereas my partner is very distant with his parents.
3. When I ask him in case of a health issue if he will support me financially, he responds that first I will have to use part of my savings till I reach his saved amount (cause it happens that I have a bit more saved), and once I reach his, he will support.I am financially independent but I wanted to know if he will have my back.
4. I struggle with anxiety disorder and my dad came for support for 10 days, when I asked my dad to stay one week longer my partner got pissed off. He was very rude to my dad and was telling me I need to put boundaries while I was in the worst state I have ever been. Couldn't eat or do anything else. My dad visited us for the first time in 8 yrs and came for care.
5. He doesn't seem to understand or regret any of the above. We talked a lot and he said I should congratulate him for the way he handled the situation while my dad was with us. Couldn't believe my ears
6. I asked him to bring help for the housekeeping while I was feeling ****ty and he refused with shouting and telling me I should get rid of my perfectionist tendency. I just wanted to test his support and love one more time and he failed.
It's my first long term relationship and I really don't know whether I should try any longer or I should just leave.
What do you guys advise?
Thank you dears
#1. It's unrealistic to think that he will want to spend his vacation time spending days on end with your friends/family. Would you want to spend your vacation time doing things with his buddies and family???

#2. I am totally with HIM on this one. No one should be subjected to inlaws living in their house for more than a weekend.
Youre lucky he hasn't dumped you for that alone.

#3. Will you exhaust your finances if he gets sick while he still has money in the bank?

#4. what are you doing to treat your anxiety besides bringing your family into the house? Again, if you are this problematic, you should be thankful he isn't dumping you.

#5. See #4.

#7. IMHO he is in his right to leave you. He would be in his right to find a partner rather than someone he has to take care of and cater to. If you are looking for a caretaker and personal assistant, then yes, he may not be the optimum choice. But if you are looking for a spouse/partner, then YOU will need to fix yourself up and become a more functional and squared away adult and individual.
 

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It seems your partner seems to be a simply bad person. How can you live with him for 10 years? Are you married? How did you put up with this crap for so long?
Bad person???? Because he is an independent and functional adult and not a caretaker, personal assistant and errand boy?

To me he sounds like a functional adult man that would be better off with a functional adult woman rather than someone that needs caretaking.
 

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#1. It's unrealistic to think that he will want to spend his vacation time spending days on end with your friends/family. Would you want to spend your vacation time doing things with his buddies and family???

#2. I am totally with HIM on this one. No one should be subjected to inlaws living in their house for more than a weekend.
Youre lucky he hasn't dumped you for that alone.

#3. Will you exhaust your finances if he gets sick while he still has money in the bank?

#4. what are you doing to treat your anxiety besides bringing your family into the house? Again, if you are this problematic, you should be thankful he isn't dumping you.

#5. See #4.

#7. IMHO he is in his right to leave you. He would be in his right to find a partner rather than someone he has to take care of and cater to. If you are looking for a caretaker and personal assistant, then yes, he may not be the optimum choice. But if you are looking for a spouse/partner, then YOU will need to fix yourself up and become a more functional and squared away adult and individual.
This sort of post shows me yet again how blessed I am to have a husband who has always welcomed my family into our home.
I mean OP's dad hadn't been to see her for 8 years and he wasn't welcomed for just 8 days???? 😲
 

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This sort of post shows me yet again how blessed I am to have a husband who has always welcomed my family into our home.
I mean OP's dad hadn't been to see her for 8 years and he wasn't welcomed for just 8 days???? 😲
There is a difference between welcoming inlaws and having them live in your house for a week.

A love my inlaws and they are always welcome. .......... for a weekend or a few days over the holidays.

And I would never impose on my inlaws to be in their house for more than a couple days.

Hotels are what keep families close.
 

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There is a difference between welcoming inlaws and having them live in your house for a week.

A love my inlaws and they are always welcome. .......... for a weekend or a few days over the holidays.

And I would never impose on my inlaws to be in their house for more than a couple days.

Hotels are what keep families close.
Hotels are expensive and not every one can afford them.
 

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You are lucky if you have the choice. If a family can't put a family member up for a week there is something wrong.
He doesn't want inlaws living in the house for a week or more. It is his house too so he has some say in who lives in his house and for how long.

If she wants her family to stay for extended periods and doesn't care about his wishes on who is in his house too, that is simply rude and selfish on her part.

I would never subject my wife to having to cater to my friends or family in the house for days and days on end. Heck for that matter I don't even want MY family in the house for more than a weekend. It's just rude IMHO to force your partner to put up with people in the house that they don't want.

Did she ask him if he would be cool with her family staying with them for over a week? Did she ask him for his thoughts and wishes on that matter or did she just assume he should suck it up and deal with it?

What would her response be if he were to just move his family in for a week?

My point here is not whether inlaws should stay for a week or not. My point is it is his house too so his opinion and thoughts matter. His wishes and preferences should be considered as well as hers.

This is something that people should discuss together and come to agreements and plans etc and not just invite people into someone's home without their input.
 
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