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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have been with my husband now for 3 years. We got engaged after 2 years, and we were married on Sept. 1, 2012 (yes, this year). I am 34 years old, and we have no children (thankfully!). My parents never approved of him, probably because they wanted me to marry another professional (i.e. a doctor or lawyer, like me). My husband is a firefighter and never finished college. I never saw anything wrong with that. As a result, my parents and I did not speak for 2.5 of the 3 years I was with him because I chose him over them.

The Sexting - So we were married on 9/1/12. On 9/13/12, I found a second cell phone that my husband kept. It was his deceased father's old cell phone. He told me it had long been disconnected but when I turned the power on, it worked. Immediately it began "dinging" with text messages. It was clearly not disconnected. On that phone, were text messages to 12 different women from just the day before (he had erased all other days). He gave one of them my home address and set up an appointment to meet. He negotiated the price with another one and said he wanted to "play twice" (cum twice). When she asked what he looked like, he sent a photo of his firefighter mentor to her and claimed it was him. Each meeting was set for a day when he was off of work and I was at work. I come home at 730pm on the weekdays. All meetings were set between 11 and 2pm. One of them tried to arrange 530pm but he said it was too late, as his "roommate" comes home.

The forums - I opened up the web browser on the phone and discovered usasexguides.info. A sex forum where users post "Yelp"-style reviews of hookers. I saw a username that looked familiar and I randomly guessed his password and it worked. I was able to log into his account on the forum. I found over 100 reviews of different prostitutes, many from our geographic area where we live. In each city he traveled to without me (including Reno for his bachelor party in July ’12 when I was extremely busy at work) he posted ads looking for good references for prostitutes. Sept '11 in LA. July '10 in MI…. I read all his reviews which were extremely graphic and descriptive of the encounter, the price, and the feeling and what she did to him. I found 4 more forum websites and I found 4 secret emails that he maintained. On Craigslist, he posted an ad every 3-5 days looking for "petite and hot" in my town. I saw every ad from 2011-12. On my bachelorette party night July 18, he posted "empty house looking for fun!" The day before the wedding August 31 he posted "looking for morning fun 10am". I found forum posts dating back to 1999.

The Cover-Up Story - On 9/15/12, we talked for 8 hours and I DEMANDED that he tell me everything and completely clean. He told me he has a sickness. He swore (on his dead father’s grave) that he never physically encountered anyone but he only made up fantasy stories. He claimed to call it off at the last minute. He swore he never had anyone in my bed or in my home even though he gave out my address.

The Real Story - The week after I found out, he began seeing a psychologist, and he started going to church multiple times per week. One week later, on September 21, 2012, my husband told me he has found God and he confessed he had slept with 5 women while he was with me, as recently as July 2012. 3 were his female friends sometime in 2009-10, and the other 2 were at massage parlors. He had sex with one of his girlfriends twice, for a total of 6 times in the 3 years I was with him. When he told me, I was so angry, I gave him 3 hours to get all of his stuff out of my house or I threatened to burn it. I had him sign uncontested divorce papers (we had a 24 page prenup so divorce is not a problem, and I don’t qualify for annulment in my state). I kicked him out and he is living with his family.

The Aftermath - That week, I felt so lost, I just showed up at my parents doorstep crying. They hugged me and took me back. I got tested for all diseases which came back negative. It has been 7 weeks since this happened. I am 12 lbs lighter (from not eating or sleeping). He has gone to God and is now a devout Christian. He sold all his personal belongings, his car, his furniture, etc. He has applied to 15 different part-time jobs (like I asked him to do a year ago, since he has 20 days off per month to sit at home and get online). He is studying to take the realtor test, he enrolled at our local University to finish his degree. He is seeing a men’s counseling group, an individual therapist, a marriage therapist (with me) and is serving in his church. I took his iphone, deleted all his email accounts, deleted all his forum posts, he changed his cell phone number, he has a new email address, and we’re both off Facebook and all social media. He cries everyday, tells me he would do anything to have “our” life back, constantly says he made stupid selfish decisions, and swears he will “never touch that sh*t again”. Most of all, he is BEGGING, and I mean BEGGING for a second chance.

It sounds like he’s repenting and trying to change, but I have ZERO trust in him. Absolutely none. He lied the whole time I was with him. I agreed to a marriage counselor becuase it couldn't hurt... right? I know its best if I just file for divorce and move on, but I haven’t been able to do it yet. I'm still so confused. My friends and family all know and wonder why I haven't filed yet. I have NEVER lied to him or been unfaithful. I know I don't deserve this. I’m so confused and lost. Any help??? :confused:
 

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My husband did similar things - you can read the link in my sig. My husband is a sex addict. I kicked him out when I found out what he was up to, but today we are happily reconciling. The only reason we are is that he has done very specific things that all waywards MUST do. Also read the newbie link in my sig.

I am so sorry you're here :(
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Wow Hope 1964, you are an incredibly strong woman! There definitely are similarities between your husband and mine. My husband is attending a group sex addicts session this week for the first time. Up until now, it's been straight therapy and church. I keep thinking: "We don't have kids, I'm still young, now is the time to get out!" I'll read through your other posts and hopefully that will give me some insight. Thank you! (btw, I chuckled at the fact that he paid her out of his coin jar. haha!). ;)
 

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I hate cheaters who immediately turn to religion when they get caught...The fakest of the fakers

My suggestion: No,Hell no!! Don't get back with him... Even in the best case(the very very best case I mean), he has psychological issues that you might not be able to help. You cannot fix him. or he is putting up another act(which he got so good at) to pull you back..I don't even want to go into the worst case scenario..

Where did he get money for all this stuff ?
 

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What do you parents think ? Your friends and parents are absolutely right...

He was cheating all through the relationship. He was lying to you for 3 years.. You never knew the real him. Guys like your H are very good at manipulating other's emotions.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Warlock07, his father passed away 2 years ago and left him life insurance money. We can all figure out what he did with that, right?? Plus, me being the sugar mama that I am... paid all the bills. UGH. I'm sick to think of how much I supported him.

Yes, he's really Christian now and believes that God has forgiven him because he repented and bla bla bla. Just talking about this makes me mad at him again... my emotions are all over the place!!!

My parents hate his guts and want me to divorce him immediately. So do all my friends. And his familly is utterly ashamed of him. To make matters worse, his mother (whom i was very close with) and been talking sh*t about me and telling him I did them all a "favor" by telling people about his indiscretions. When this cell phone blew up, everyone found out. Both of our family, friends, etc. Everyone knows. And his mother is blaming me. I never want to speak to her ever again. So if we were to stay together, we would have no family involved in our marriage becuase everyone hates each other. Great start to the marriage, huh??

you're right. I never knew the real him. I married someone else. he did lie for 3 years. Why is this so hard for me to just file the dam papers??? I'm sort of disappointed in myself... I'm usually a very strong person.. then again, its only been 7 weeks since I found out..
 

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Warlock07, his father passed away 2 years ago and left him life insurance money. We can all figure out what he did with that, right?? Plus, me being the sugar mama that I am... paid all the bills. UGH. I'm sick to think of how much I supported him.

Yes, he's really Christian now and believes that God has forgiven him because he repented and bla bla bla. Just talking about this makes me mad at him again... my emotions are all over the place!!!

My parents hate his guts and want me to divorce him immediately. So do all my friends. And his familly is utterly ashamed of him. To make matters worse, his mother (whom i was very close with) and been talking sh*t about me and telling him I did them all a "favor" by telling people about his indiscretions. When this cell phone blew up, everyone found out. Both of our family, friends, etc. Everyone knows. And his mother is blaming me. I never want to speak to her ever again. So if we were to stay together, we would have no family involved in our marriage becuase everyone hates each other. Great start to the marriage, huh??
How did I guess you were sponsoring him ? That no good SOB !! I'm raging for you here..

These guys are a particular type... They find good women who can support, leech of them and their money, do absolutely no work and cheat on them..These guys are very good liars and natural charmers(and probably very good looking too). His repentance is probably all an act. Or it will last until you get comfortable again in the marriage again..

Get out immediately. Why do you want to reconcile ? What do you hope to get back when all there was a lie and a sham!! Most marriage that reconcile after an infidelity will have some good times to help them through difficult periods. Your relationship is relatively short. And you don't have kids with him or STDs. It cannot get better than that..
 

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If you had years of married life invested in this, including children, everything would look different, in my opinion.

As it is, if you cut your losses right now, divorce him and start fresh, you have a very good chance of finding someone honest and good to you.

If you decide to give him another chance, you will either be the key to his 'salvation' or a very big sucker. And you will NEVER really know what he's doing when you are not around. It will be a lifetime of insecurity and very possibly heartache for you.
 

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Sorry your hear. This is a tough decision of course.....(NOT), LEAVE!!!

You don't have really that much with this guy, no kids, which is usually the big decision factor in most marriages gone bad, and thank god you don't have that baggage.

Please for the love of youself and your self being/respect kick this guy to the curb. He will cheat again and you might not be in a position where you can easily leave in the future.

Unfortunately, your husband has a real bad problem. He will not and cannot change, it is built into his system. Now lets just say he has changed and he has made the difficult decision to truly change (nevermind because he got caught and now playing the religion card with you), why waste your time keeping the relationship, let him practice this newfound religion/change with a new woman.

Its honestly the best route for you, and your parents are the ones who made you, they brought you into this world. They love you without condition, and did everything they can to warn you. Most of us, probably all of us ignore our parents and do whatever we want when we are adults and usually most of us are happy and successful and our parents are happy too that things are working for the best, but in your situation it turned out bad.

Let this POS go and move on with you life, and professional and intelligent woman like yourself are every guys dream.

You will find yourself a better man. I wish you all the best.
 

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you're right. I never knew the real him. I married someone else. he did lie for 3 years. Why is this so hard for me to just file the dam papers??? I'm sort of disappointed in myself... I'm usually a very strong person.. then again, its only been 7 weeks since I found out..

This is because, as fake as his love is, you were really invested emotionally and in many other ways. You do not want the emotion and the love you put in the relationship to go to waste. You still want to see if there is any hope before giving up. And as you said, it has been just 7 weeks. You just cannot turn off your emotions just like that. But just realize that you married a con man!!

Your Mother-in-Law's reaction is interesting. How was she during your relationship or marriage ? You said you stopped talking to your family, was she a source of support during this time ? In hindsight, was she manipulative ? This could be a family of con-artists!!

I posted this elsewhere about sunk cost policy

When one makes a hopeless investment, one sometimes reasons: I can’t stop now, otherwise what I’ve invested so far will be lost. This is true, of course, but irrelevant to whether one should continue to invest in the project. Everything one has invested is lost regardless. If there is no hope for success in the future from the investment, then the fact that one has already lost a bundle should lead one to the conclusion that the rational thing to do is to withdraw from the project.

To continue to invest in a hopeless project is irrational. Such behavior may be a pathetic attempt to delay having to face the consequences of one's poor judgment. The irrationality is a way to save face, to appear to be knowledgeable, when in fact one is acting like an idiot. For example, it is now known that Lyndon Johnson kept committing thousands and thousands of U.S. soldiers to Vietnam after he had determined that the cause was hopeless and that the U.S. would not win the war (McMaster 1998: 309). George W. Bush continues to argue that thousands more soldiers and billions more dollars be committed to the war on Iraq, despite the fact that the preponderance of the evidence indicates not only that the war can't be won but that the U.S. has no definite idea of what winning even means here.

This fallacy is also sometimes referred to as the Concorde fallacy, after the method of funding the supersonic transport jet jointly created by the governments of France and Britain. Despite the fact that the Concorde is beautiful and as safe as any other jet transport, it was very costly to produce and suffered some major marketing problems. There weren't many orders for the plane. Even though it was apparent there was no way this machine would make anybody any money, France and England kept investing deeper and deeper on the grounds that they had already invested a lot of money.

The crash of Air France Flight 4590 on July 25, 2000, that killed 113 people—even though it was due to a freak accident and not a design flaw—put an end to any hope that anyone might have had for further development of the Concorde.
 

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Yeah, I had 14 years and lots of good times to make me want to reconcile. In your situation, I would tell him to let you know when he has 5 years sober and seeing a CSAT, and then you MIGHT talk to him.

He sounds like he got in a lot deeper than my husband did, and for longer. He needs serious help, which he is NOT going to get from a church.
 

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Yeah, I had 14 years and lots of good times to make me want to reconcile. In your situation, I would tell him to let you know when he has 5 years sober and seeing a CSAT, and then you MIGHT talk to him.

He sounds like he got in a lot deeper than my husband did, and for longer. He needs serious help, which he is NOT going to get from a church.
:iagree:
What Hope says is spot on. When you're dealing with a long term addiction, they will normally tell you that you need a year plus to deal with yourself and your addiction without the complication of a relationship.
 
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I think Warlock is spot on.

Your husband is using you as a meal ticket so that he can indulge the way he really wants to live.
 

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Divorce, cut off all contact and never look back. It's going to be hard enough for you to trust a man who deserves it, who is worthy of it at this point. I can't imagine the hell you would volunteer for if you gave this piece of garbage another second of your life!
 

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Beyond your heart thre's nothing which link you to this man.
There're tons of men without so deep issues out there.
He's an addict therefor3 the chances he will relapse in this life are huge, specially because he's not getting proper help. It's wonderful he found God. God is not a sex addiction counselor thou.
 

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I really hate to tell you this, but serial cheaters never quit cheating. I married one too and divorced him. 19 years later he is still cheating.

You'll have to watch his every move from now on if you decide to stay. I bet he will stray again. Good luck. I personally don't think it's worth it, especially down the road when you've invested so much of your time watching over him.

Your much better off without him.
 

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Discussion Starter #18 (Edited)
I know you guys are all right... I need to leave him. But geez, it's just so hard!!! Now is as good a time as any... no ties whatsoever. Ugh.

We went to our marriage counselor today (only the second meeting) and I went in there and asserted myself and my boundaries. I said I will not tolerate indiscretions, lies, betrayal, and everything else he dished to me these past 3 years. I said I simply do not deserve to live like a spy, and I will not. I don't have time to check phone bills, GPS track his car, etc. I straight up deserve better than that. I said with each week, I am growing stronger and am able to set my boundaries and I would not tolerate always wondering if he's cheating on me. I said I look at my husband and am disgusted with him. He looks unappealing to me now. I was VERY VERY firm. As I was saying that, he cried. He lost it. After regaining his composure, the counselor calmly told him he has a sexual addiction problem. My husband cannot admit that quite yet. That is step 1 of the 12 step program I think. He's just not there yet.

BUT... my husband agreed to go to group sex addiction therapy, he will continue to see his individual psychologist, plus church, plus marriage counseling (if I should choose to go again), plus bible study. After the session, he gave me his cell phone, and told me he would cut off all ties to any person I did not trust. He gave me all his usernames and passwords to everything (bank accounts, etc.). He agreed never to go on any trips without me there. He would not go anyplace I did not approve of. He said he would never drink alcohol again. He told his mother if he has to choose between her or me, he chooses me. He told me he would take a lie detector test anytime I want him to. He said he had interviews for second jobs and would take whatever they offered him, for any amount. He sold everything he owns (including his car and his jetski and all his furniture) because he wants to start over to have a new life with me. He said he just needs me and God in his life.

Question: Is he feeding me more crap?? It sounds like he's trying to change... these are not insignificant changes... but I don't want to be stupid about this. My mind is just so clouded right now, I'm not thinking straight. Opinions?? you guys are really helping me get a difference perspective :) Thank you!
 

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Your choice to stay or go.

If you are ready to go, then talk to a lawyer about an annulment. Concealing a sexual addiction before marriage might be grounds.

Never hurts to explore possible options even if you do not choose to exercise them.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
TDSC60, Thanks for your comment. Funny thing is: I am a lawyer. heehee. I can do my own divorce. He signed a divorce decree, but he would probably stipulate to an annulment, which is of course.. preferrable.

I'm not worried about the legal part of this - I can handle that.. it's more just... am I being a chump by even considering this??? I probably am, but he's given up his whole life and has lost everything he has had. Even his best friends and his cousins won't speak to him. He hit the bottom. Sometimes thats what it takes for addicts to recover, right?
 
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