Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband has been pushing very hard for me to be a SAHW. A little history I went to school to get a degree after years at a miserable factory type job. I quit and started in the medical field. My husband did not want me to stay home then, and required that I pay my share for things, even though I brought home and still bring home 1/4 of his salary. I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries. He has been pushing since i started in the medical field 6 years ago to not work. We do not have children. He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work. I do sometimes have long hours and due to our work schedules we do have days that we do not see eachother. He has become very resentful of me working. I have cut back to part time and was only working 3 days a week. He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off. A year goes by and now works a completely opposite shift of mine now. He says since he is the bread winner my job is not important and I should quit to see him. He also says he doesn't have enough time prior to work to even engage so that would leave me staying up after midnight to see him. I would have to rely solely on him for any purchasing and I feel that he would question every purchase I make. I have no family or friends close by and feel I would be isolated. I come from a trauma background and am distrusting of things in general. I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control. Any thoughts from men and women out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,909 Posts
I would not do it. He may make good money but he thinks of it as HIS money and so I would continue to make my own. Make sure you tell him that is why you will continue working, because of his attitude. At best I would maybe try to find a position in which you are not on opposite schedules.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,270 Posts
From what you say, your H doesn't want you to stay home to a)raise kids, b) because he wants YOU to enjoy your life and give you opportunities to do other things.
It SOUNDS like, to me, like you said -- he wants to extend more control over you. He pushed you to part-time, and that worked. Now he wants to push MORE to extend that further. Then, as you said, you are 100% dependent on him for finances as well.

Look you enjoy your job, you have no children yet to worry about, I don't see any real reason here that he presented to you for WHY you should be a SAHW. YOU have a choice -- it is YOUR life and not his decision to make. IF he is emotionally mature, he will understand that YOU are the one that chooses -- he can only suggest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,568 Posts
He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work.
He has become very resentful of me working.
I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control.
This is my thought, exactly. He wants to be in control, and feel "superior". Please, whatever you do, do not acquiesce to his immaturity. Remain your own person, with your own career, your own schedule, your own money, all of which is managed and controlled BY YOU....100%. If you want to work 8 days a week, it is YOUR DECISION, and NOT HIS. Leth him find time to be with you, if that is what he truly wants.

Your job in marriage is to provide companionship and intimacy to your spouse. Don't completely neglect this, but he is responsible to do the same for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,046 Posts
I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries.
This is so wrong. He's treating you like a roommate and not like a spouse. If you had helped himw with his home loan, I would not be surprised if he wanted a divorce at the end of the loan since your usefulness would be finished.

Why he doesn't want you to work anymore is not clear. Do you find he sometimes he has subtly sadistic ways?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
My husband has been pushing very hard for me to be a SAHW. A little history I went to school to get a degree after years at a miserable factory type job. I quit and started in the medical field. My husband did not want me to stay home then, and required that I pay my share for things, even though I brought home and still bring home 1/4 of his salary. I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries. He has been pushing since i started in the medical field 6 years ago to not work. We do not have children. He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work. I do sometimes have long hours and due to our work schedules we do have days that we do not see eachother. He has become very resentful of me working. I have cut back to part time and was only working 3 days a week. He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off. A year goes by and now works a completely opposite shift of mine now. He says since he is the bread winner my job is not important and I should quit to see him. He also says he doesn't have enough time prior to work to even engage so that would leave me staying up after midnight to see him. I would have to rely solely on him for any purchasing and I feel that he would question every purchase I make. I have no family or friends close by and feel I would be isolated. I come from a trauma background and am distrusting of things in general. I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control. Any thoughts from men and women out there.
He's from the dark ages,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
60 Posts
Nope nope nope nope NOPE!! Do not quit your job. He will be in total control of you. I've been there, done that ... and had to start all over (from the bottom) when I had to get a job because he was having an affair and refused to stop (which resulted in me having to divorce him). Keep your job at all costs!

And maybe really think about the state of your marriage. He sounds completely controlling and not very appealing based on what you've said. Is this really a happy situation for you?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,753 Posts
This is my thought, exactly. He wants to be in control, and feel "superior". Please, whatever you do, do not acquiesce to his immaturity. Remain your own person, with your own career, your own schedule, your own money, all of which is managed and controlled BY YOU....100%. If you want to work 8 days a week, it is YOUR DECISION, and NOT HIS. Leth him find time to be with you, if that is what he truly wants.

Your job in marriage is to provide companionship and intimacy to your spouse. Don't completely neglect this, but he is responsible to do the same for you.
Correct!! And I'll add put some of your money away, you'll need it in the future. You can see the writing on the wall.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
If i were you, I'd quit my husband before I quit my job. BTW: My daughter is a career woman (and mom) because she saw how her father acted.

Furthermore, I would consider long and hard before I had children with this controlling man, but maybe there are no such plans.

"He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off."

The above is the key to your post. No matter what you do, it isn't right. This was also him controlling by withholding sex.

You are wise not to trust him. Your 'marriage' sounds more like a business arrangement. What would he want you to do all day anyway?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,568 Posts
And, remember, that you were not placed into this world by God to live up to your husband's expectations. He needs to put on his big adult man pants, and figure out what HIS purpose of being in this world is...... and, get to it.....

The person placed by God into this world having the job of living up to your husband's expectations is HIM.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Sunsetmist I wonder that too. He doesn't check up on me or tell me what to do in daily life coming and going. I have sometimes wondered about our marriage in that it does sometimes seem "cold"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
This is so wrong. He's treating you like a roommate and not like a spouse. If you had helped himw with his home loan, I would not be surprised if he wanted a divorce at the end of the loan since your usefulness would be finished.

Why he doesn't want you to work anymore is not clear. Do you find he sometimes he has subtly sadistic ways?
What do you mean by sadistic? He doesnt check up on me or seem interested in anything I do outside of our home. He bought the house when after 5 years together prior to marriage we needed time living apart to figure out if this was really a relationship that was healthy for both of us. I initated the break.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Nope nope nope nope NOPE!! Do not quit your job. He will be in total control of you. I've been there, done that ... and had to start all over (from the bottom) when I had to get a job because he was having an affair and refused to stop (which resulted in me having to divorce him). Keep your job at all costs!

And maybe really think about the state of your marriage. He sounds completely controlling and not very appealing based on what you've said. Is this really a happy situation for you?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
We get along pretty well for the most part. I love most of what we have. I just disagree with my whole life needing to change and his not because he is the "bread winner". I could pay for things too. He just has never wanted me to. I guess by that I mean we could live on less. I'm not a materialistic person the only thing I blow money on is my dog and his healthcare.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
265 Posts
What are you going to do while your husband is at work?
Your husband wants you to stay home the whole day waiting for him? Doing nothing but becoming a desperate housewife?

I wouldn't do it.

You said you love your job, so your happiness is not important to your husband? Your career and independence either?

Him wanting to control the finances, your career, your time, it's kind of creepy. I get the feeling whatever you do is never going to be enough for him.

Don't have children with him until you solve this problem!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,659 Posts
Don’t ever quit your job. It doesn’t matter how much your husband makes, you need to find your own security. I was married for 7 years to a surgeon and I went to school to get my masters and everyone told me it was dumb because my husband made so much. in the end we got divorced and my career was the best thing I ever invested in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
What does the relationship look like between his parents?
[/QUOTE
I dont really know. I have only met them once. They do not have a relationship. His mom was syau at home, and he has said his dad was controlling.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top