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Well the whole point....
I'd love him to retire with me but he most likely won't do that until he hits 30 years in.
So I can keep working and hope to convince him early which probably won't happen

Or I can be a stay at home wife, no mom about it and work to make our lifes better in ways that money doesn't.
While I can make some money trading it isn't one that will be available for household income.

Either way we can afford it. I am trying to decide if there are men that view it as worth while. Not to raise kids. I was curious what things make it worth while to a man from a man's perspective. Eveyone seems to be very concerned about the money. I guess that's an answer in itself... That money is important to most.
I think we're concerned that you sound concerned about the money. That you will feel like you aren't contributing as a sah wife.

Men, for the most part, don't keep score on money. You've given the real answer yourself earlier in the thread. "He will be happy if I am happy". That's the core truth. If you are happy, he will be happy. That is the man's perspective boiled down to its core.
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
Well maybe. I will say I am resentful that my wife doesn't contribute financially. She is happy not working and I am happy that she is happy but her lack of income does cross my mind so I wouldn't say guys are always OK with it.
Exactly. However you resent your wife for more than this. I wonder if you'd sing the same tune is she were giving you sex whenever you wanted.
 

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Exactly. However you resent your wife for more than this. I wonder if you'd sing the same tune is she were giving you sex whenever you wanted.
You are right and probably not.

But I think even if I was getting more sex, I would still want her to work...to at least make SOME money.

Unless we were of course having sex more than once per day :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
You are right and probably not.

But I think even if I was getting more sex, I would still want her to work...to at least make SOME money.

Unless we were of course having sex more than once per day :)
So I appreciate your honesty. Did you ever tell her it was ok to stay home and not work?
 

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Discussion Starter · #89 ·
Nobody has any obligation to work, it's just that necessity pushes a lot of people into it. If you've taken care of necessity, there's no one to answer to.
Yes. But he would have to work at least for a few more years. He makes more money than I do and part of the retirement plan needs a few more years of growth on investments as well as access to his retirement. We could do nothing but him work til age 59.5 and we should be set. I"ve talked to him about leaving earlier if I can arrange it but he seems pretty set most days working til 59.5.

I think for now at least I'll work for another 4 years. I should have the house paid off by then.
 

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If this thread shows anything, @Anastasia6, is that your character, commitment, and sense of duty are all integral pieces into why your marriage works so well.

If you have earned the ability to not work, maybe it's time to find something that transcends typical work. After retirement, maybe consider volunteering at a charity that supports something that's important to you. That way you could retire and give back in a meaningful way.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife.

Are there those that don't mind it?
I can't speak for others, but for me I did kind of mind it when my x-wife wanted to be a SAHM, for financial reasons. Other than that I didn't mind it and also wanted her to be happy and take care of the kids. But I realized years later that it was because she was lazy. Also because she didn't have a full time job(and anyone, don't start with the SAHM mom thing is hard work...I did it when she would go off on trips and would have rather done that than my regular job), she wanted to have time to herself, which we all know where that led.

So he doesn't mind it, but probably doesn't see where this might lead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you are going to stray. But I believe the majority of wives that do not have a job end up getting itchy.


I've asked him what his expectations would be and he says he doesn't care just wants me to be happy. He also feels I'll be happier and healthier.
That was my reasoning for not fighting the x-wife on it when she wanted to quit her job.

What if we did split?
This right here tells me you think its a possibility. Why would you say this? Anyone in a healthy and happy marriage would not even put this out there as a possibility.

If you have to ask this question, then I can see this no job thing for you is going to likely be a problem, based on my experience and mine alone.

Would it be worth it to you (men) if
You didn't have many chores left?
You got more sex?
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make?
Your spouse was happier?
Again, this is just my experience, but NONE of those things that were promised happened.

I had to do all the cleanup when I got home from work, sex went down(mainly because she wanted it from other guys), I had to cook the meals because she didn't do jack schidt, and she was only happy when she got to leave the house to go do things with her friends, again, you can guess the outcome there.

Again, I'm not saying you are going to do any of these things. But you did mention wondering about the marriage failing, so do not think that if you get what you want that will make you happy. You may get the itch like so many others.

So to answer your question, based on my experience, no I wouldn't be happy that you wanted to quit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #92 ·
I can't speak for others, but for me I did kind of mind it when my x-wife wanted to be a SAHM, for financial reasons. Other than that I didn't mind it and also wanted her to be happy and take care of the kids. But I realized years later that it was because she was lazy. Also because she didn't have a full time job(and anyone, don't start with the SAHM mom thing is hard work...I did it when she would go off on trips and would have rather done that than my regular job), she wanted to have time to herself, which we all know where that led.

So he doesn't mind it, but probably doesn't see where this might lead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you are going to stray. But I believe the majority of wives that do not have a job end up getting itchy.




That was my reasoning for not fighting the x-wife on it when she wanted to quit her job.



This right here tells me you think its a possibility. Why would you say this? Anyone in a healthy and happy marriage would not even put this out there as a possibility.

If you have to ask this question, then I can see this no job thing for you is going to likely be a problem, based on my experience and mine alone.



Again, this is just my experience, but NONE of those things that were promised happened.

I had to do all the cleanup when I got home from work, sex went down(mainly because she wanted it from other guys), I had to cook the meals because she didn't do jack schidt, and she was only happy when she got to leave the house to go do things with her friends, again, you can guess the outcome there.

Again, I'm not saying you are going to do any of these things. But you did mention wondering about the marriage failing, so do not think that if you get what you want that will make you happy. You may get the itch like so many others.

So to answer your question, based on my experience, no I wouldn't be happy that you wanted to quit.
Well I only say what if we did split because of TAM. That's why it is in my title. I never in a million years would think our marriage is anything less than ideal. But then there's TAM that proves you can think that and then BAM.

Not every woman is your ex-wife.

As far as the list of things. I know most of those things would happen because I was out of work from july to october adn those things happened. He enjoyed them and felt guilty that he didn't have much chores left. I think he actually enjoyed it. I'm more worried that if the time was extended it is hard for someone to tell now how they would feel in 1 year or so. I do know once I quit I won't be going back.

And no I wouldn't stray. It just isn't in my character.

On the up side. I made $420 dollars trading today. It really is all about returns. There's a huge difference in a 5% return and a 50% return when you have a nest egg. Since I'm in charge of the finances we were agressive savers and still are. The nest egg really is of sufficient size it just needs a few years to grow that combine with his pension would have more than we currently use as disposable income.

But only time will tell. I work about 60 hours a week right now and no I don't get over time. I'm salaried. I'm a little fed up with it but it allows me to contribute. I'll continue for at least 4 more years til the house is paid then if I quit we won't even see a difference in the household budget.

We do much better when I have time to meal plan and to cook and shop. We also do better when I have time to invest and guide those investments. The house is cleaner when I have time to work around the house. But I don't want to 'leave' him working while the house is still in play because if he got sick or something we'd be vulnerable. While I have 6 months expenses saved and another 6 months in an investment account that I can access without penalty I'm not a risk taker.
 

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Discussion Starter · #93 ·
If this thread shows anything, @Anastasia6, is that your character, commitment, and sense of duty are all integral pieces into why your marriage works so well.

If you have earned the ability to not work, maybe it's time to find something that transcends typical work. After retirement, maybe consider volunteering at a charity that supports something that's important to you. That way you could retire and give back in a meaningful way.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Thank you I don't know if you earn the ability not to work. I just know that other parts of our life suffer from a two income household. I am not the do it all girl. If I work 60 hours then you cook sometimes, do dishes, and such. Yeah I'll make dinner but it might not be fancy and i could make it much tastier and somewhat healthier if I was 'rushing' to make it. when I was out of work we lost weight and exercised because we had the meal planning, cooking, shopping and spare time. Now we get off work and by the time dinner is made we don't feel like going for a walk.

So I will work for now but I'm not sure that our current partnership couldn't use the domestic more right now than money so that when we retire we are healthier than we are now.
 

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Anastasia

Are you working from home? You may have mentioned it and I missed it?

If not, I would suggest trying to find a gig where you can. I work around 50 hrs a week also with no OT, but doing it full time from home is a big difference. Putting in the time is A LOT easier at home than going to an office! Plus you save a TON of money and time on commuting!

I will still FIRE whenever I can but at least for now the job is more tolerable.
 

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Thank you I don't know if you earn the ability not to work. I just know that other parts of our life suffer from a two income household. I am not the do it all girl. If I work 60 hours then you cook sometimes, do dishes, and such. Yeah I'll make dinner but it might not be fancy and i could make it much tastier and somewhat healthier if I was 'rushing' to make it. when I was out of work we lost weight and exercised because we had the meal planning, cooking, shopping and spare time. Now we get off work and by the time dinner is made we don't feel like going for a walk.

So I will work for now but I'm not sure that our current partnership couldn't use the domestic more right now than money so that when we retire we are healthier than we are now.
Why will you remain working?
 

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I am surprised I hadn't seen this post. My wife is quitting in about 2 weeks. I am 56 and she will be 56 in a couple of weeks. She wants to get away from the office drama and take care of more things at home so I do less but we hang out more. We have realized that if we are together more on the weekends, we get less done. IE, if she goes with me to do things I do on the weekend, she can't clean house at the same time. It makes sense that we get more done, have less stress and get to enjoy more time together with one working. She can shop, get car registrations, clean, get things done while I am at work. She can also volunteer part time if she wants to, perhaps help with Meals for the Elderly or something........if she wants to. To answer your questions,
You didn't have many chores left? That would be awesome!
You got more sex? That would also be awesome and it would make us closer as a couple.
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make? Yes, and we both need to lose weight. We grab food out too often to save time.
Your spouse was happier? This alone would make it worthwhile

In regards to retirement, in most states you are entitled to half the retirement accounts accumulated during the marriage. However, if you have been happy this long and it sounds like you are going to work to make hubby even happier, I don't know that you will have anything to worry about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #98 ·
Anastasia

Are you working from home? You may have mentioned it and I missed it?

If not, I would suggest trying to find a gig where you can. I work around 50 hrs a week also with no OT, but doing it full time from home is a big difference. Putting in the time is A LOT easier at home than going to an office! Plus you save a TON of money and time on commuting!

I will still FIRE whenever I can but at least for now the job is more tolerable.
I am working from home now. He and I but mostly him didn't want me in my old workplace when COVID was new. I agreed but would have stayed probably. That's why I had a few months off last year.

I do enjoy working from home which is one of the reasons I won't go back if I quit. I just won't. But 60 hours is still 60 hours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #99 ·
Why will you remain working?
To be fair. To avoid an unintentional resentment. To make sure my retirement calculations are correct.
I know what happens right now as I work. I can only predict my happen if I don't work.

I love him and he says he doesn't care. He has even once indicated he'd prefer it if I stay home. But I can say I don't think I'd feel good if I stayed working and he stayed home. Though if he did a good domestic job and I didn't have to do the domestic stuff I think I wouldn't mind.

TAM isn't my only consideration but it does seem that most men want their spouse particularly if they don't have small kids to work. While I acknowledge my husband is his own unicorn how can I know how he'll feel in 2 years when money is tighter than now (where he can buy what he wants pretty much) and he hates his job.

I would never want to risk our relationship. I think we'd both benefit from stay at home wife but I think I'll wait til the house is paid for before I quit. Then the money works out better. I get paid less than I throw at the house each month.

I guess it is the devil you know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #100 ·
I am surprised I hadn't seen this post. My wife is quitting in about 2 weeks. I am 56 and she will be 56 in a couple of weeks. She wants to get away from the office drama and take care of more things at home so I do less but we hang out more. We have realized that if we are together more on the weekends, we get less done. IE, if she goes with me to do things I do on the weekend, she can't clean house at the same time. It makes sense that we get more done, have less stress and get to enjoy more time together with one working. She can shop, get car registrations, clean, get things done while I am at work. She can also volunteer part time if she wants to, perhaps help with Meals for the Elderly or something........if she wants to. To answer your questions,
You didn't have many chores left? That would be awesome!
You got more sex? That would also be awesome and it would make us closer as a couple.
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make? Yes, and we both need to lose weight. We grab food out too often to save time.
Your spouse was happier? This alone would make it worthwhile

In regards to retirement, in most states you are entitled to half the retirement accounts accumulated during the marriage. However, if you have been happy this long and it sounds like you are going to work to make hubby even happier, I don't know that you will have anything to worry about.
Thanks this is exactly what I was talking about. I did those things when I had a short break when switching jobs and we had more free time together. He had more free time period and his free time was less stressful. He and I are both stress eaters and as we age things might be alot easier if we would get healthier. What's the point of retiring at 59 if you are not well.

It's easy to say oh well just cook good meals and work out. But with a 2 household income and my work schedule and his work schedule we never seem to find the energy and time.

I do know I would 'get' half of his accounts but I'm not sure I'd feel right about it even though it is only larger because I did the planning as a team and we upped his due to employer match. HOWEVER, that really shouldn't be a concern as we are happy and have been happy and I"m sure will continue to be happy. He's 52 so he should be out of mid-life crisis territory soon.
 
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