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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.

Thing is...
I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
I simply have a highly stressful job that takes up more time than I'd like to do a good job.
Last summer I was out of work for a short period and I made dinner, did more housework and tried to spoil him. We both got a little healthier which we both could use.

I do the finances and know that we could make it without my salary. I am also in charge of retirement and fairly sure we are going to overshoot the 'needed' mark. I was working because I like my job and want to contribute.
However, I could really use to be more healthy at this moment in time and I find that doesn't happen with the current situation. I am also working because I'd love to get him out of the work force in about 5 years at 56 but I don't think he will leave no matter what until at least 60 and more likely 62 because that is what makes sense to him. He'll have 30 years in at 60 which will yield the maximum retirement. And of course at 62 you can start social security. So whether I quit or not he'll be there til 60.

To throw another kink in them mix. When I'm not working I have a small account I actively trade stock on. I can make almost my salary with this account. It is of course a retirement account so that money would not be available for 'normal' use. I do trade while working but not being active hurts my returns but I still am double the market or more.

8 years ago I don't think I would have thought about this much. I love him, he loves me and we'd just do whatever. Then I joined TAM.

Because I'm a Type A personality I try to make sure not to coerce him into anything. So being on TAM. I have to wonder.

Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife.

Are there those that don't mind it?

I've asked him what his expectations would be and he says he doesn't care just wants me to be happy. He also feels I'll be happier and healthier.

What if we did split? I don't have the same retirement he does because when I had a high paying job that kept me from my family and made me miserable he said quit and I did. I've enjoyed my second career and it allowed me to have more time with my child and my husband.

Right now we split the household chores. Would it be worth it to you (men) if
You didn't have many chores left?
You got more sex?
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make?
Your spouse was happier?

What else would be on the list?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You're approaching this possible action from exactly the right and accurate angle. With you and H in synch at this stage in life you two and your M will do just fine. Kudos to you for such a great attitude and logical approach.

No worries for you!
Thanks Ragnar but is your wife a stay at home?

After being around here for so long it makes me think I shouldn't.

There is of course some benefits to be had but I don't want him to feel a bunch of pressure or feel like I'm lazy or such.
 

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The only questions I have about this:
Are YOU going to be ok with NOT working -- do you have enough hobbies/interests to keep you fully active each day?
Also, you mention IF your H and you split -- do you think that is a real possibility? If YES, then maybe you should continue to work -- just NOT at your current job. Do something less stressful and time consuming.
I think as long as you continue to be an active member of your marriage, your H will be ok.
My wife has been a SAHM for 28 years (since we had my son). I have had no issues -- MY job was important to fund our life, HER job was WAY more important -- to help raise a moral, caring, and upstanding member of society.
I know a lot of guys don't think being a SAHM is a job -- but with kids, it is. YOU are past that, so you need to make sure that you can keep productive for yourself and for the marriage.
 

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There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The only questions I have about this:
Are YOU going to be ok with NOT working -- do you have enough hobbies/interests to keep you fully active each day?
Also, you mention IF your H and you split -- do you think that is a real possibility? If YES, then maybe you should continue to work -- just NOT at your current job. Do something less stressful and time consuming.
I think as long as you continue to be an active member of your marriage, your H will be ok.
My wife has been a SAHM for 28 years (since we had my son). I have had no issues -- MY job was important to fund our life, HER job was WAY more important -- to help raise a moral, caring, and upstanding member of society.
I know a lot of guys don't think being a SAHM is a job -- but with kids, it is. YOU are past that, so you need to make sure that you can keep productive for yourself and for the marriage.
Well I feel we are solid. I don’t foresee us getting divorced. It’s been almost 28 years. But this will definitely change the dynamic which I’m also concerned about.
 

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My W was a SAHM when the kids were small, as they reached 6th and 7th grade she went back to work. Now after kids are M and grandkids etc, we are planning her retiring and again being a SAHM. But really a sah wife...

If you aren't confident in your M it may be an issue, or if approaching it with a selfish attitude you're in trouble.

I'm looking forward to it myself. We've been M 38yrs.

Hope that helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.
Well I agree.
But organizing our life, being a decent domestic
There's something that I never hear anyone mention: When you are retired or at least not working for a while, time FLIES by. You forget which day of the week it is. Your time fills up with "stuff". Work serves to create a rudder in your life. If you quit, make sure there's some organization in your life.
I agree.

However, organizing our life, being a decent domestic partner and actively trading will keep me more than busy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My W was a SAHM when the kids were small, as they reached 6th and 7th grade she went back to work. Now after kids are M and grandkids etc, we are planning her retiring and again being a SAHM. But really a sah wife...

If you aren't confident in your M it may be an issue, or if approaching it with a selfish attitude you're in trouble.

I'm looking forward to it myself. We've been M 38yrs.

Hope that helps.
It does help. I feel our marriage is solid.

But TAM always colors things for me now. I think what if I just don't know..... My husband doesn't line up with many thoughts here on TAM but as those posters always say. He just doesn't tell you he thinks like this.

Why are you looking forward to her being back home. I think he enjoyed my being domestic last year. I feel like I could make his life less stressful by taking some of the house load off but also by organizing things so that we woud both be healthier. I will admit though I'm worried that it won't seem like enough to balance out my salary.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You aren't married to any of us, and your H is ok w/ what you want to do. If you're sure he is ok w/ it, you have the answer you need.
Absolutely but I always appreciate others opinions. Many people think they might like or not like something and then later change their mind. So I am just trying to see what men really think about the domestic wife. I know some here think that means that they are better and earn the money and then everything should go their way. Or that women should work.

But I don't think my husband is this way. So I was wondering about those who like Ragnor seem to enjoy it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Also as a strong personality. I don't want to get into something he might not want to do. I think he'd tell me if he didn't want me to stay home. But I find it hard to imagine him not wondering why I wouldn't just work for 8 more years? I myself wonder sometimes. I could bank more but when you are fairly certain you will have enough money then money doesn't mean as much as health and happiness does it?
 

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My wife was a SAHM when we had kids and she would still be a SAHM except that Obamacare changed the costs for medical insurance so much that we decided she needed a job, just so she could have insurance. Saved us over 10% of our annual budget. Funny thing is' she might be a SAHM again as soon as January thanks to the Biden administration.

I would have no problem with my wife being at home. Sounds like your husband doesn't mind you being at home. If that is what you want to do, then pursue it and find a way to be happy with your decision.
 

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Also as a strong personality. I don't want to get into something he might not want to do. I think he'd tell me if he didn't want me to stay home. But I find it hard to imagine him not wondering why I wouldn't just work for 8 more years? I myself wonder sometimes. I could bank more but when you are fairly certain you will have enough money then money doesn't mean as much as health and happiness does it?
Once you ask him, if he doesn't give you a truthful answer, it's on him. If either of you finds you don't like it after the fact, you can change it. Go for it.
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Once you ask him, if he doesn't give you a truthful answer, it's on him. If either of you finds you don't like it after the fact, you can change it. Go for it.
Thank Sfort. I think that is actually so true. I mean he doesn't lie to me. I always try to make sure that I suss out what would make him happy in all major decisions because most of them fall to me. He'll give input but almost never wants the final word. So I usually mull things and look at different angles because all I really want in this world is a happy spouse. But in the end if he doesn't give his input other than he'd be fine with it and he really doesn't care if I work or not... Then I should take him at his word.

Well no I wouldn't change it. I'm getting old enough and fed up enough that once I quit I'm done. That much I know. I mean of course if it was a marriage breaker then I'd go back to work...
 

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Absolutely but I always appreciate others opinions. Many people think they might like or not like something and then later change their mind. So I am just trying to see what men really think about the domestic wife. I know some here think that means that they are better and earn the money and then everything should go their way. Or that women should work.

But I don't think my husband is this way. So I was wondering about those who like Ragnor seem to enjoy it.
My husband has no issues at all with SAH wives. His first wife didn't go out to work till their boys were in their mid- late teens.
I was working part time when we met but had to leave that job when we moved.

I know what you mean. Many men here and some women seem that think that staying at home, even if there are small children, is being lazy and irresponsible. Which it isn't of course. It's a hard and challenging 24/7 job.

No one matters except the two of you, ignore what naysayers on TAM think, I do.

I guess the alternative is to work part time.
 

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I have been considering quitting my job and my husband says he's fine with it if I do. He understands that if I quit I will not be seeking employment elsewhere. He even has indicated that he thinks if might be for the best.

Thing is...
I'm not a stay at home mom. My child is grown. I'm capable of work.
I simply have a highly stressful job that takes up more time than I'd like to do a good job.
Last summer I was out of work for a short period and I made dinner, did more housework and tried to spoil him. We both got a little healthier which we both could use.

I do the finances and know that we could make it without my salary. I am also in charge of retirement and fairly sure we are going to overshoot the 'needed' mark. I was working because I like my job and want to contribute.
However, I could really use to be more healthy at this moment in time and I find that doesn't happen with the current situation. I am also working because I'd love to get him out of the work force in about 5 years at 56 but I don't think he will leave no matter what until at least 60 and more likely 62 because that is what makes sense to him. He'll have 30 years in at 60 which will yield the maximum retirement. And of course at 62 you can start social security. So whether I quit or not he'll be there til 60.

To throw another kink in them mix. When I'm not working I have a small account I actively trade stock on. I can make almost my salary with this account. It is of course a retirement account so that money would not be available for 'normal' use. I do trade while working but not being active hurts my returns but I still am double the market or more.

8 years ago I don't think I would have thought about this much. I love him, he loves me and we'd just do whatever. Then I joined TAM.

Because I'm a Type A personality I try to make sure not to coerce him into anything. So being on TAM. I have to wonder.

Why would he be ok with me staying home? So many here make it sound like such a burden to have a stay at home wife.

Are there those that don't mind it?

I've asked him what his expectations would be and he says he doesn't care just wants me to be happy. He also feels I'll be happier and healthier.

What if we did split? I don't have the same retirement he does because when I had a high paying job that kept me from my family and made me miserable he said quit and I did. I've enjoyed my second career and it allowed me to have more time with my child and my husband.

Right now we split the household chores. Would it be worth it to you (men) if
You didn't have many chores left?
You got more sex?
You were able to have more gormet meals that helped you be healthier that you didn't have to make?
Your spouse was happier?


What else would be on the list?
I think your reason for wanting to do this is coming from the right place. If you make all those things at the bottom of your post come true, your income isn't needed to maintain your lifestyle and your husband is on board I say do it. It sounds like you both benefit from the change.

My wife and I have been together for 34 years. For the first 8 years or so she always worked full time if possible. We moved a lot thanks to the military, so that wasn't always possible. Once we settled down and started having kids we both agreed that I would do whatever I needed to allow her to be a SAHM. She did that from the time our first child was born until they were in middle school. I loved having her at home with the kids. It also gave her some more time to take care of me :). I never pushed her to go back to work. She has been back to working full time for many years now. Thankfully she absolutely loves her job, but we don't need her income. If she were stressed at work and decided she wanted to quit and focus on taking care of us, I would tell her to go for it. Given our financial situation I see the main purpose of her job as something to give her a sense of accomplishment, keep her happy and an intellectual outlet. If she got that from something other than a paying job I would still be fine with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
My husband has no issues at all with SAH wives. His first wife didn't go out to work till their boys were in their mid- late teens.
I was working part time when we met but had to leave that job when we moved.

I know what you mean. Many men here and some women seem that think that staying at home, even if there are small children, is being lazy and irresponsible. Which it isn't of course. It's a hard and challenging 24/7 job.

No one matters except the two of you, ignore what naysayers on TAM think, I do.
Yes. Problem is I do have hobbies and also trade. So what if I'm ok somewhat good at being a stay at home?
I did a year when my child was little to spend more time with her and my husband didn't like the job I had. But I was terrible at it so I went back to work on my own.

I spent a little time last year doing it because of the pandemic. I feel like I"m much better at it now and have a better more giving attitude. I want to spoil him but my house will never be spotless.
 

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Both members of a good M are much more than monetary value in the big picture of life. Money is an essential tool but it's not life's objective. You more than he may be equating your value to the M as a money source.

If the info re your H is accurate and he's honestly on board he sees you in a more rounded way perhaps.
 
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