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Discussion Starter #1
Just found this forum the other night and I have no one else to talk to about this.
I've been married for 29 years.
Last week I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized my wife and my friend from work "Bill" had an affair 15 years ago.
I have no physical proof but I am 95% sure it happened.
Should I let it go since it happened so long ago or pursue evidence and confront my wife?
I have been hurting since I came to this realization and no one to talk to.
 

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What brought on the epiphany?

What is the status of your marriage right now?

Do you have any reason to think she's cheating on you right now?

Without any sort of proof, is this the sort of thing you would feel comfortable asking your wife about?
 

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How did you come to realize this 15 years after the fact and what kind of evidence do you think you could get now?

Are you saying that you really did not suspect anything 15 years ago? Or did you just turn you head to it?

Now that you have this in your head you need to deal with it. This is not really a statute of limitation on affairs... however if she's been a good, loyal wife since that time it counts as time served.

People are usually advised to not tell their spouse about an affair as it will only cause their spouse a lot of pain. Instead they are to keep their sins to themself and repent by being a better spouse and loving their spouse even more in the future.

What will you do if it turns out that there was an affair? What are your plans?
 

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IF it is eating away at you then talk to her about it, but be prepared for anything.

She may have had an affair, or not but just the fact that you are accusing her of one may set her off. Its a touchy subject.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I think there were some signs back then, but I did not pursue them.
I always thought she would not do that to me. I had complete trust in her, when I thought "now that seems odd" I would just put in a box in the back of my head.
I now have a long commute on a desolate roadway, more time to think than ever before. One day that box came open and I layed all the curious things together in my mind. Out loud I said,"Bill and Sally had an affair". It's been hard ever since.

Our marriage seems good, but it seemed good back then to me.
But it took me 15 years so I might be a little slow.

As for proof I will confront Bill. I believe he will tell me honestly. I am sure she was the aggresor in the affair.

Unfortunatly I am working out of town right now and my project just got extended another month.
 

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You say it happened,so you're sure it's still not happening?
 

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I think there were some signs back then, but I did not pursue them.
I always thought she would not do that to me. I had complete trust in her, when I thought "now that seems odd" I would just put in a box in the back of my head.
I now have a long commute on a desolate roadway, more time to think than ever before. One day that box came open and I layed all the curious things together in my mind. Out loud I said,"Bill and Sally had an affair". It's been hard ever since.

Our marriage seems good, but it seemed good back then to me.
But it took me 15 years so I might be a little slow.

As for proof I will confront Bill. I believe he will tell me honestly. I am sure she was the aggresor in the affair.

Unfortunatly I am working out of town right now and my project just got extended another month.
Have you thought of what you'll do if Bill tells you that he did have an affair with your wife? What do you think his reaction will be if he didn't?

I think you need to think this through carefully before confronting either Bill or your W, because, in the absence of any concrete proof, there is a chance that you're wrong, OP. And if you are wrong, this could change your marriage dramatically...
 

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Discussion Starter #8
You say it happened,so you're sure it's still not happening?

No I feel it was a short affair. He was single and had just met his future wife during that time. He also had a married girl friend (other than my wife ) at the time. But I now wonder if some of the stories he told me of the married woman weren't mine, just as an extra little jab.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Have you thought of what you'll do if Bill tells you that he did have an affair with your wife? What do you think his reaction will be if he did not.
I think Bill will be honest. I had not seen Bill in years, I stopped by his office one day a few years back and the first thing he asked was,"Are you still married?" When I said yes he went to talking on the phone like I wasn't there. So I left. Wondering WTH?
I think he wanted me to ask then, but I did not read the situation right.
 

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OP.....I have been married 34 years and I had an "epiphany" also about my wife having an affair. about 14 years ago, for a year or so. When asking her about it, her reactions made me feel, she really was hiding something, but denied it.

Because of this, I developed depression/anxiety . I went to a therapist, she talked to me with and without my wife. She told me I was delusional and told me I was putting my wife under a lot of stress and to get some Zoloft from my MD.I talked to my MD with the ( same set of facts). He told me sounds like your wife is manipulative and has something to hide and that I needed a good MC to get all this sorted out. Hmmm.. two professionals with totally different opinions, same facts. But he did give me some Zoloft, I feel better but the suspicions and facts are still there.

I feel in my gut she is hiding something. However a lot of innocent people have been found guilty by a jury of 12 in courts, just because they appeared that way.

So I understand you don't want to "bury your head in the sand" but at the same time you don't want to falsely accuse an innocent person.

Perhaps you will have better luck than I did, maybe your wife will confess. Not knowing is very painful. You are not alone in this, a long marriage, and then boom! all the pieces of the puzzle come together in your mind.
 

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What are you going to do if he tells you yes?

From your posts you seem like you won't do anything,you are already making excuses as Bill was the aggressor,it doesn't matter who is aggressor or if it was Bill or someone else for that matter you are not married to Bill.
Think out a plan on what are you going to do if they had an affair,if Bill tells you that they had and your wife denies are you going to stay married to liar?

Either way even if they didn't have an affair there has to be something wrong with your marriage if you are thinking she had an affair and you should focus on improving your marriage(yes make her work for better marriage even if she didn't have an affair).
Is there lack of affection or sex from her now,was there lack of it when you think affair happened?
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
What are you going to do if he tells you yes?

From your posts you seem like you won't do anything,you are already making excuses as Bill was the aggressor,it doesn't matter who is aggressor or if it was Bill or someone else for that matter you are not married to Bill.
Think out a plan on what are you going to do if they had an affair,if Bill tells you that they had and your wife denies are you going to stay married to liar?

Either way even if they didn't have an affair there has to be something wrong with your marriage if you are thinking she had an affair and you should focus on improving your marriage(yes make her work for better marriage even if she didn't have an affair).
Is there lack of affection or sex from her now,was there lack of it when you think affair happened?
I said SHE was the aggressor. It is more upsetting to know she pursued him and not that she was seduced.
I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.

As for the sex it has always been outstanding, then and now. It is less frequent now but still outstanding.
 

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I said SHE was the aggressor. It is more upsetting to know she pursued him and not that she was seduced.

I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.
It sounds like you have made up your mind that she was the aggressor in an affair that you do not even know happened.

What will you do if Bill tells you that there never as an affair? Why did not drop in on Bill after all these years out of the blue?

Have you been very upset or unhappy in your marriage for a time.. before you suddenly decided that there had been a affair 15 years ago.
 

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I said SHE was the aggressor. It is more upsetting to know she pursued him and not that she was seduced.
I cannot confront Bill for another month as I am out of town for work. After I have a confirmation from him I will confront her and demand she tell if she ever had an affair . Her answer will determine how I procede.
Why open a can of worms like this?

1. If it *did* happen, it cannot be undone.
2. If it *did* happen, and you've had fifteen good years since, there's reason to believe that it wasn't related to any lack of love for you.
3. If it *did* happen, it will cause many, many months of despair and hurt for both of you.

The only good reason I can think of for digging into this is if you have reason to believe that she is betraying or harming you NOW.
 

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Why open a can of worms like this?

1. If it *did* happen, it cannot be undone.
2. If it *did* happen, and you've had fifteen good years since, there's reason to believe that it wasn't related to any lack of love for you.
3. If it *did* happen, it will cause many, many months of despair and hurt for both of you.

The only good reason I can think of for digging into this is if you have reason to believe that she is betraying or harming you NOW.
Or if he's looking for a way out of the marriage and this could be used as an easy out... after all she was the aggressor.. according to OP. He's already made up his mind on that one.
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited)
Bill and I worked together, he was helping one of my children with their baseball skills. This is how my wife met Bill. One day at work Bill asks me "Why did your wife call me?" I replied,"She must have wanted to know something about coaching." Looking back I should have asked her but I did not. Maybe I was afraid I do not know.

Then the conversation went into the box in the back of my mind.

I just feel I need to know. It maybe knowing will be worse than not.

I do appreciate all the differing opinions, it lets me see things from another veiwpoint.
 

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You know Timtim,I really hope there's nothing to this...that's what I'm rooting for here,so I hope you don't say or do things that you might regret.Take care.
 

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Hi TimTim,
I know you must feel sick just thinking about the possibilities, but coming from one who was cheated on, I recommend that you let it go unless you believe she is still being unfaithful. The knot in your stomach right now is nothing compared to the horrible realization and natural consequences that occur if you discover your suspicions are true. I was just looking at a friend's family photos with her husband and adult children, and the realization that I will never have that makes me terribly sad. My ex cheated on me for twenty years with many different women, but once I found out, and once he realized how devastated our family was, he tried to make things right. Unfortunately, although I stayed with him for three years, I just couldn't get over the pain and distrust. You don't know how many times I asked him why he didn't just lie to me when I confronted him. Why couldn't he just become a faithful husband and keep his affairs a secret? I know that sounds strange, but I was happy in my marriage, and planned to spend the rest of my life with him watching our children get married and being grandparents together. Now all of that is ruined. Yes, he ruined it, but it did not have to end that way. If you can, spare yourself the pain and train your mind to think about something else every time that question of your wife's affair 15 years ago comes up.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Springsport,
Thank you for your thoughts. I have alot to think about. It's been 15 years, there is no reason to rush now. I have a month to think before I get to go home.
It does hurt when I think about it and I have been trying to avoid it for days, hard to sleep and not much appetite.
 

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Does anyone recognize his symptoms and believe he can just overlook this?
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