Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
843 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I just emailed the lawyer for appt. This is happening. I need some advice before I pull the trigger on this first so the first meeting with the lawyer should clear up some things.

When I boil this all down what makes it impossible for me to go forward with the marriage is her willingness to lie to about big things and her unwillingness to work on changing that. Her EA's, money, and some other big lies I don't want to get into. If it was not for that I'd probably work on it longer, but she is making no effort to get passed her fast and loose relationship with the truth. Her way of dealing with difficult and hard things is just to lie and I can't live with that. I have pushed her toward IC to deal with her the lies and narcissism and MC to bring us closer, but she won't go and the rest of her "work" on the marriage is appeasement, duty sex, and rug sweeping. The EAs are over (at least for now) and things are calm friendly even a lot of fun at times, but the party is over and reality is finally here to stay.

I am anxious about where this is heading. I don't expect violence from my wife but almost anything else is on the table. She can be very vindictive and nasty.

She might get extremely confrontational and nasty.
She might lie about me to friends or authorities.
She might destroy my property and things I care about in the house.
She might drag this on as long as possible to avoid getting a job.

If I am lucky and she has any remorse at all for what she has done, I can just talk her into moving on quickly with half of everything and a big alimony check for a few years.

I need to work out timing, when to tell friends and relatives. Once I do that this will get very real.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,199 Posts
Get your family heirlooms out before you file, guns, books, photo albums, collectables. Get them out, once you file, she is going to use any means possible to charge you for contempt... Best to avoid her, only speak through text or letter, and set her phone number to go straight to your voicemail.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,274 Posts
Hopefully you protect yourself. Voice recorder around her all the time, protect items of importance, and limit contact with her as much as possible.

With unstable people, precaution is the best route. Good luck with everything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,829 Posts
Talk to the lawyer about how to document things you remove from the home. Yes you do want to get guns, valuables, and sentimental items out of her reach. Important docs such as passports, birth certificates, mortgage papers, etc. too.

You don't want to set up an opportunity for her in court to make it look like you were trying to hide assets.

Also, photograph or video the condition of the home and contents in case she damages stuff.

Definitely wear a VAR of some sort whenever in her presence. If she calls the police to claim some sort of abuse or violence, never admit to anything to the police. They are looking to take someone to jail. Any admission however tiny will earn you a ride in the cruiser. Even something such as you pushing your way past her because she had you trapped in a room and was screaming at you.

In any such confrontation remain calm at all times. Clearly state what she is doing "You are preventing me from leaving this room. I want to leave. You are verbally abusing me with your yelling". Make clear and repeated requests for her to stop or to let you leave. "Please move out of the doorway so I can leave. I want to leave now, please move". Expect her to try to enrage you, so don't take the bait when she says terrible things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,199 Posts
Always apologize to the police for wasting their time, get a copy of the statements police reports for the judge, Judges hate people wasting time, whether its theirs or the police, they will see it and most likely push things along without much credence.

Police hate responding to domestic disputes unless bodily harm is involved, they just want to get out of there, just like you do, and if that means removing you from the property, so be it, ask them to document the items your taking with you while they escort you off the premises.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
843 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks all for the comments/advice.

I am also going to put a deadbolt on my office which is just an extra bedroom. I did this once when I rented a room in a house by just replacing the knob.

This is going to have suck very bad before life gets better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,199 Posts
You probably cannot restrict her personal liberty by concealing the contents of a whole room.

Your going to end up paying a locksmith to break in for your wife.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts
Also, photograph or video the condition of the home and contents in case she damages stuff.
Do both video and photos. They show different things. Photos show items but they could have been taken at any time.

In a video, use something like the day's news paper to prove the date it the video was made. Then do a continuous video of the house. It will show that all the stuff in the photos existed in the house on that day. Open drawers, cabinets and closets to show valuables.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts
You probably cannot restrict her personal liberty by concealing the contents of a whole room.

Your going to end up paying a locksmith to break in for your wife.
If he earns a living from that office, yes he can lock her out. She is not allowed to interfere with his livelihood. He can even have his lawyer send a letter stating that he is taking possession of that room and she is to stay out of it.

I've seen divorces where the person who works out of the house gets to stay in the house and the other person has to leave. Why? Because doing otherwise interferers with that person's livelihood.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,974 Posts
Buy a VAR, keep it on your person at all times, and be ready to flip it on any time that either of you initiates conversation w/ the other. If you're not in a one-party consent state (check w/ your attorney), make sure that you inform her that you're switching it on prior to doing so.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MEM2020

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
843 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Irony. It is so much easier to give good advice than follow the path you know you need to take.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
IDK you history with your W but IME with separating, we did not turn into criminals (other than H DUI and having two car wrecks in 2 months with cost a few thousand for insurance deductible and ticket out of joint account)

I would not ASSUME she is going to act criminally (unless she has a history of that). ASSUME you can act like adults and treat the property with respect,

Act with dignity yourself. Do nothing you will be ashamed of later. IME they build their own gallows when it comes to family and friends (bible reference to Haman). The truth has a way of coming to light.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
843 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
So I just laid out my Divorce Communication and paperwork in a powerpoint. Yes, I getting ready to present my divorce to a lawyer LOL. It seemed like the best way to lay it out for a first meeting with the Lawyer. It was tremendously focusing and I can better visualize this now. Eating an elephant one bite at a time.

Question for the field: I am wondering if my wife will feel less intimidated if I retain a female lawyer over being confronted with "the boys club" and some stuffed shirt stereotypical lawyer dude that she tends to loath. Does this make any sense? I am probably overthinking this, but I can save a lot of money if I can keep this peaceful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,829 Posts
Idk about the female thing. Women can be much more vicious to each other than men.

I think I would approach it with her as you wanting to utilize mediation so that you can cooperatively come to agreement so that the outcome is what you both want, rather than having the lawyers fight it out and ending up with all your assets. You should have lawyers to ensure everything is legal, but you don't want them to be any more involved than necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
We didn't go to court. We are mediating an uncontested D (which is far less expensive but can only work if everyone can be adult about it)

My impression and what I've heard is that you are much better off getting someone who knows the judge well; a member of "the good ole boys club". Also, sometimes men (like the judge) have an axe to grind about powerful women. Would they rule against a pitbull female biatch lawyer just to put her in her place? :scratchhead:

Me, I'd get a male lawyer. (so sorry lady lawyers.... :()
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top