Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a couple prior threads that give my story. In a nutshell, after 28 years of marraige, and now becoming empty nesters, I am in the "walk away wife" situation. She is also in an EA with a girlfriend. She has refused sex for the last 10 months. This past weekend, I offered my wife one more chance to re-establish emotional and sexual intimacy. She refused. She wants us to be "roommates" where we live together, I work and pay for everything, and she has fun with her girlfriends. So, given her continued rejection, I have decided enough is enough and I have started the 180. After two days, I can already tell she is a bit caught off guard and isn't sure what is happening.

If anyone has advice as I start this approach, I welcome it. Thanks to everyone who has helped me in the prior threads. I am learning a lot.

One specific question. How do you recommend handling the meaningless "i love you" comment that I will hear from time to time, like when I am going to work for the day? Should I return the same meaningless comment, or just say "thanks" and "goodbye", or ignore it entirely?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
561 Posts
Part of the 180 process is to ignore. But here's the thing. If your wife wants to be roommates then isn't the 180 just giving into what she wants? She still lives there. You are not going to initiate intimacy with her. You are still going to pay the bills because you live there, too. And she gets to go out with her girlfriends while you sit back and say nothing because you implemented the 180. She has got it all now!

Food for thought -- The last time I had a roommate she paid rent. I think wifey needs to get a job and pay her way.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
180 is to center you so you have the strength to leave a bad marriage.
So if you haven't decided to leave then its really a waste.

Your wife already said she doesn't want to be a wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Hmmm. I thought the 180 had two purposes. To strengthen you for possible single life, but also as a last ditch effort to save the marraige. To me, it is one step short of separation, but you do the 180 while still living together. Have I misunderstood the goals and process about this?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
411 Posts
Hmmm. I thought the 180 had two purposes. To strengthen you for possible single life, but also as a last ditch effort to save the marraige. To me, it is one step short of separation, but you do the 180 while still living together. Have I misunderstood the goals and process about this?
I think it's only designed to work on drama queens. If she legitimately doesn't want attention, the 180 has no effect.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,190 Posts
Just for reference.....Here is a thread I found on google with the list spelled out >>

Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums

180

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in
your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Hmmm. I thought the 180 had two purposes. To strengthen you for possible single life, but also as a last ditch effort to save the marraige. To me, it is one step short of separation, but you do the 180 while still living together. Have I misunderstood the goals and process about this?
180 is only about you.. and emotionally separating from your spouse.

It is not an ideal way to resolve issues if you intend to stay married.

Talking and more importantly listening are way better. Would you be attracted to a wife doing a 180 on you? Think about it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,485 Posts
I think there are several versions of the 180 floating around and at least one is trade-marked, patented, and copyright protected. Forget about that and think in terms of NNMNG and MMSL, Roissy, Vox and all those other links I gave you on your first thread.

When she says "I love you", it's just her shortened version of the ILYBINILWY speech she gave you. It's BS. Just ignore it or say "okay" or thanks. You're not planning on staying friends with her after the divorce, are you?

What did your intel ops reveal? Were you able to completely eliminate the possibility of the OM? Anything on the VAR? Still fiddling while Rome burns?

Quit trying to get her to have sex with you. Absolutely no more relationship discussions with her, no more requests that she get counseling. If she approaches you about something, be friendly, relaxed, reasonable, cool, calm, and collected. Talk as long as she wants to talk withyou, but you don't start any conversations with her unless it's a pressing issue and it can't be avoided.

Start going out at night. Every dam night. When the weekend comes, bag a bag and split. Well dressed, with cologne on even. Change your ride. If you have stodgy wheels go trade them in on something a well off 40 yearold guy would drive; a Challenger or a Porsche if you like kraut iron, or a ferrari (hey you're a lawyer). If it's still warm where you are, pick up an old chopper off Craigslist and start letting your hair grow out again like it's 1974. You have to start putting out very clear, yet not in-your-face signals that her world is getting ready to be turned upside down. You do this by showing you are fundamentally changing.

I'd leave some kind of divorce reading laying around in a not so obvious yet hard to miss place. Like a book on life after divorce. She needs to understand that the trains getting ready to leave the station.

You'd be doing yourself a real favor by running some intel ops, though. To be truthful you're trying to fight somebody in the dark when she's got night vision and you've chosen to put a blindfold on. She sees the whole scene, but you don't see sh!t. You just know you're getting beat up, but you still won't take off your blindfold because that just wouldn't be right and she'll get mad.

Oh well, run that distancing, hot guy on the make, moving on program until she asks who you're dating or you get tired of it. Then file.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
I don't know if I agree with the 180; I mean, I know people suggest it but ultimately seems like a game you're playing with the Spouse which doesn't really solve anything.

I would recommend taking some points from the 180, like being less accessible, less agreeable if you really don't feel like doing anything. Find hobbies that you INTEND on keeping regardless of the current situation. Just sit down and ask yourself, "What would I want to be doing right now???" Then, DO IT. Don't worry about what your spouse will think or worry, just do it. She may ask to come along, she may not. It's important that YOU have fun doing it, otherwise what's the point? Meet some new people, go out with them, join a fitness club etc etc

Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Hello IJL. Just read some of your story. You have been through a lot, and good help from folks here. They have been a help to me too. I am new at all of this, and I am still hoping to save the marraige, but I am also preparing myself for what may be inevitable. Thanks for your input.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Your not alone on here we all have our methods of coping.

There is no magic bullet answer.... in general though finding yourself helps a ton. Also the realization that things really are beyond your control, and finally it isn't all your fault.

Women are different, they either are into you and want to make you happy or not.

Its a process. In the end the main thing I want to be able to say is I tried my best... that if we fail it won't be because of a lack of trying to improve things.

I'm confident that is the correct approach... one day I fully expect my wife to return to me fully. It won't likely be because of a 180 but rather in both of us gradually changing and creating a better marriage together.

You get one life and I only want a single marriage.... so I do the work and wait. The several years of "pain" may very well create lifelong gain.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top