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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
I have 4 children with my husband and have been together for 10 years married almost 4. I found out my Husband was cheating when our third baby was only about a month old and to make a long story short, we now have a 6 month old baby and after 3 years of separation are on our 2nd year living together again.

I still have my doubts about him seeing the other woman because I've found calls that he's made to her on repeated occasions.

we are starting counseling tomorrow but am thinking that maybe its a waste of money if he is still seeing her. anyway I would like to know if anyone has gone to counseling and what to expect I am kinda nervous as I dont know what the end results will be. will the therapist talk to us together or separate? and what is expected of us?
 

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I know you posted this a while back, I just wanted to revisit it and see how things went.
Is he going to be faithful to you now?
I hope it doesn't seem weird to ask this but has he ever said why hes strayed?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well we went to counseling - once - he claims the therapist was not talking about the issues we where there to resolve... he likes to drink with his buddies on the weekends and the counselor asked him if he thought he had a drinking problem and all we talked about really was that, not his cheating. So you see, he was actually going in there with the mind set in talking about his affair.

Since then I've found out he continues to "harass" her when he is out drinking. I've spoken to the other girl and she says she'll answer her phone when he calls her at 1am because he wont stop calling if she doesnt..... she claims she wants nothing to do with him and that she has a new man in her life. I confronted him about this and since then we are now sleeping in separate rooms.

I am so scared to leave even though I know its the next step. my children are so young I just feel so vulnerable, I hate him for doing this to me and I hate myself even more for allowing this to continue....

I guess I wont know if maybe he wanted to talk about his affair at counseling because maybe he wanted to tell me something I dont know I guess I just feel like he loves her and I feel like a consolation prize ya know?

I have been thinking about doing him like he did me.....:confused:

please comment
 

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I'm so sorry for you. I don't think that two wrongs will make a right, though. I considered this once, but I know myself and I am not wired that way. I need to have my integrity intact no matter what. Please think about what your actions will do to you mentally and to your children. I sincerely hope that you find a resolution that will ultimately make YOU feel better. You can't be the mom that your children will need you to be if you throw your own guilt into everything. That sounds like your next move. It's never easy, but sometimes it's the only way to move on with our lives. I have read so many posts on here and it really inspires me and makes me very grateful to know that I am not alone. Best wishes to you and your kids.
 

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Not that am an expert but I think some individual therapy might help. I have done it and it is a big relief to get rid of all the stress that build up in me. The therapist can also help you as she did me come to terms with issues that are holding you back. The one thing I have learned from the experiance of my wife's affair is that I need to to make myself happy (not in selfish way) but in a way that I do not rely on somone else but let that person add to the happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I know cheating is very wrong its the reason my marriage is ending in the first place but I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I am a stay at home mom with 4 children ages ranging between 8 and 10 months. I do not want to leave and then have my children living with whatever I can provide and with the little help I know I'll get from him.

I live in No. California and would have to move to So. California because thats where all my family is and they would be my support system, this would mean transfering my 3 school age kids out of school da da da da da da....

I am tired of feeling lonely as we do not sleep together anymore (it was my decision) We've had sex but I always end up feeling used and guilty for giving in....

please help my life is getting too complicated and I need a neutral party to help me sort things out.....
 

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Again I do not know if this is good advise or not but it seems to me your husband is a jerk and you are most afraid to leave him because of your children. I do understand that. As before get some therapy for yourself. And I agree cheating on your husband behind his back would not make you feel better in the long run. How about you and your husband have a talk and you tell him since he can not respect you or your marriage and you do not want the kids growing up in a broken home that you think the seperate bed room situation is fine as well as his activities but let him know you plan on having fun too and he will have no right to tell you different because he is the one that decided on this course. I am not saying you actually go through with it but it could be a last ditch effort to jar him from his selfish world and get him to covet you again. The only problem is once he knows he has you he might start cheating again. By that time you might feel better about your self and make strong but hard decissions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I started going out on drives just to do exactly what you recommended ever since we started sleeping separately and every time he would get pissed and would try to stop me asking me what I was looking for.... my response, the same thing you are looking for.

I think things are over but again my children are a big part of my decision.
 

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I understand and I am sorry. I hope you find what makes you truly happy and as far as the children are concerned divorce it is not best thing but living in marriage hell is probably worse. It is amazing how much a child can pick up about a situation and are probably hurting now just like you. Again I hope you and your children find peace and happiness.
 

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IMO I think staying together for the kids is wrong. You have family and such to help you(which alot of people don't have) and if you move to S CAL...(I'M HERE!!! I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND...babysitter if needed). Don't belittle yourself to being with this man if he's not willing to commit 100% as well.
 

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I honestly think that if it comes down to you being on your own, that you need all the support you can to be strong for yourself as well as the kids. Continue with seeking individual therapy... at the end, I'm sure you will find that you may be better off and happier without having these issues about him.

You will see that the happiness will be there again for you and for the kids.... it's a scary thing, and Ive been to the point of the H wanting to leave the marriage...and it's not an easy thing to accept... but if you think about it.... why live in misery everyday of your life?
Why have the kids grow up seeing that misery? You are a completely seperate individual and deserve to have a chance at a better life.... if this isn't it... there is more out there for you, I guarantee! Keep your chin up... things will get better!
 
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