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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If your wife said to you that "you never stand up for me" what do you think that would mean? On the flip side what do you do to show your wife that you do stand up for her? When I talk with her about trying to improve/save our marriage, she will bring this up and it's a deal breaker for her.
 

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She feels like you dont have her back. Have there been some situations recently where maybe she was being criticized or something, and you didnt defend her? For an example, my ex husband's first wife sent me a few really hateful, nasty emails and he never said a SINGLE WORD to her about it! Never told her she was out of line, never defended me in any way. I have never felt so alone and abandoned in my life. He let me know that he was never going to have my back by his inaction. So if there have been instances like this, then this is what she is getting at. Women need to know that their man is going to stand up for them and protect them, its a sign of your commitment and love.
 

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Thanks for your response 3X. There was a situation 5 years ago where my wife publicly called out about 5 prominent family men in our community accusing them of attending a strip joint while shapperoning (spelling) a field trip for school kids. She called their wives, talked to the school principal, publicly talked about it to other people at school functions. All with no proof. I was also on that particular field trip. Knew nothing of the accused bad behavior. Well these men and their wives turned against my wife, and I didn't get in their face and stand up for my wife's actions. I thought what she did was inappropriate without proof. That is still a sore spot between us today.
 

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I never had complaints about that in my past relationships, but I've never experienced anyone having my back the way my husband does, and it is WONDERFUL!

Two recent events illustrate this idea for me and how it makes a difference to me:

There were some shifts on my pool team that resulted in a good friend being cut from the team. That friend asked me to leave the team and join his instead. It put me in a bind because my husband was on the team that had cut him and enjoyed that team, while I did not like being on it at all. When I told my husband I wanted to join the new team, he said, "Okay" so I went to the friend and said I'd join his team instead.

I didn't realize my husband's "okay" was simply acknowledging that he'd heard me. He was upset that I dropped from the same team he was on even though he understood my reasoning.

A few days later, the friend who I'd followed told me that I was "too bossy." I was crushed! The reason this came up was because another player had complained, but my interactions with him were mostly collecting the money each night (which he often "forgot") and keeping score for everyone - duties that every single other person refused to handle.

My husband could have said, "I told you so" or "You should have stayed," but instead, he got mad that the friend failed to stand up for me.

I realized that my husband's perception was right - that others would not have that perception if I wasn't chasing them down for money and repeating the friend's messages he wanted me to deliver, so I told him that I would no longer do those things if he couldn't stand up for me when silly statements like that were the result. He cut me from the team then, just a couple weeks after I'd followed him (and after having played for over a year with him and the person who complained.)

My husband was furious. Even though I questioned my role and wondered if I'd crossed a line (since I am a pretty dominant woman to begin with!) he insisted that I had not done anything wrong. He did not say anything to the other guy, but he told me where he stood and I knew that if push came to shove, he'd speak his mind and champion me. (The friend later acknowledged that he was wrong and apologized to me after his team fell apart, and he now plays on a team I run.) My husband's solidarity through that time helped me believe in myself when I otherwise felt doubt.

Even more recently, when I was considering whether to reactivate my real estate license, a friend told me, "Yeah, you should! I'm going to buy a home this March and I'll use you as my Realtor." Her statement played a role in deciding to fork over about $1,200 to reactive my license and get into the necessary organizations. About four weeks later, she posted on Facebook that her Realtor had found her a house.

This woman had asked to be on my new team before this had happened, and my husband immediately said, "I don't want her on the team."

Again, he was angrier than I was. I told him how people often forget things like that, and he insisted that she couldn't have forgotten so quickly and that she lied to me. When I saw her again, she immediately told me she was sorry and said, "L. is an old friend of mine and I've been working with her for a few months now."

His immediate assumption that I'm "right" or at least, "undeserving of bad treatment" has bolstered my self-esteem, let me know how deeply I am loved, and made me feel safe again and again.
 

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Thanks for your response 3X. There was a situation 5 years ago where my wife publicly called out about 5 prominent family men in our community accusing them of attending a strip joint while shapperoning (spelling) a field trip for school kids. She called their wives, talked to the school principal, publicly talked about it to other people at school functions. All with no proof. I was also on that particular field trip. Knew nothing of the accused bad behavior. Well these men and their wives turned against my wife, and I didn't get in their face and stand up for my wife's actions. I thought what she did was inappropriate without proof. That is still a sore spot between us today.
Why did she think they had gone to a strip club?
 

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Thanks for your response 3X. There was a situation 5 years ago where my wife publicly called out about 5 prominent family men in our community accusing them of attending a strip joint while shapperoning (spelling) a field trip for school kids. She called their wives, talked to the school principal, publicly talked about it to other people at school functions. All with no proof. I was also on that particular field trip. Knew nothing of the accused bad behavior. Well these men and their wives turned against my wife, and I didn't get in their face and stand up for my wife's actions. I thought what she did was inappropriate without proof. That is still a sore spot between us today.
Yikes- how did she know/why did she think that happened? Did she actually witness them at the club or something? I wouldn't have backed her up on that either.

This is a major issue in my marriage. For me it's that I really crave a protective type of man (though I am an independent person), and my husband is not like that at all, despite being physically very 'manly' and strong.

For instance, my car broke down- dead- on the interstate close to midnight one night. I called him with the last 30 seconds of juice left in my cell and told him where I was, then the phone died. I couldn't call AAA, so I tried to walk to the nearest convenience store but it was dark, forested and very dangerous with huge semis tearing past me as I walked along the narrow road shoulder. I also would have had to get across a wide, deep ditch filled with vegetation (and maybe snakes or other critters) and scale a chain link fence.

So I gave up and walked back to my car to just sit and hope a highway patrol guy would eventually drive by. A man pulled up and asked if I needed help- I used his phone and he stayed with me on the side of the road an entire hour until the tow truck arrived.

The tow truck driver drove me and my broken car the 45 minutes home. When I finally got into the house, it was completely dark and my H was sound asleep.

Now, you could say he trusted that I, a resourceful grown woman would be able to handle a car breakdown, which I did (with the help of a stranger).

But if it would have been me, I would have gotten my azz out of bed and immediately driven until I found him, or at the very least, I would have been pacing back and forth waiting for him to get home safely.

Kind of broke my heart to come home and find him completely unconcerned. And the next morning, I don't think he even asked what happened. I had to volunteer the information. This is just one example.

This was after less than a year of marriage. :confused: I suppose this is just a personality trait of his- he's more like a teenage boy than a protective man to me, which disappoints me very much.
 

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A quick example of standing up for your wife via my husband:

We received a call on Friday that there is a family xmas party on Sunday at 3 PM. His family knows that I work at a sports bar and our local team is playing at 3 PM, which means that I am scheduled. I go to work and he takes the kids to the party. The game ends around 6:30-7 PM. The plan was for me to go straight to the party after the game. Well low and behold his sister decideds that they need to take family pictures at 5:30. My husband states that they cannot because his whole family is not there. They keep pushing and he does not back down. He even lets them know that they always pull this crap without thinking. He gathers the kids and leaves.
 

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Thanks for your response 3X. There was a situation 5 years ago where my wife publicly called out about 5 prominent family men in our community accusing them of attending a strip joint while shapperoning (spelling) a field trip for school kids. She called their wives, talked to the school principal, publicly talked about it to other people at school functions. All with no proof. I was also on that particular field trip. Knew nothing of the accused bad behavior. Well these men and their wives turned against my wife, and I didn't get in their face and stand up for my wife's actions. I thought what she did was inappropriate without proof. That is still a sore spot between us today.
Why did she think that this had gone on? Was it true? I can see your viewpoint on this, this kind of accusation should never be made so vehemently without proof or concrete knowledge of what actually happened. At the same time, you still should not sit by and let other people badmouth your wife either. (not saying thats what happened) Have there been other examples that make her say you dont stand up for her, or has this been the sticking point?

I hope you two can find a way to resolve this and finally put it behind you.
 

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Yikes- how did she know/why did she think that happened? Did she actually witness them at the club or something? I wouldn't have backed her up on that either.

This is a major issue in my marriage. For me it's that I really crave a protective type of man (though I am an independent person), and my husband is not like that at all, despite being physically very 'manly' and strong.

For instance, my car broke down- dead- on the interstate close to midnight one night. I called him with the last 30 seconds of juice left in my cell and told him where I was, then the phone died. I couldn't call AAA, so I tried to walk to the nearest convenience store but it was dark, forested and very dangerous with huge semis tearing past me as I walked along the narrow road shoulder. I also would have had to get across a wide, deep ditch filled with vegetation (and maybe snakes or other critters) and scale a chain link fence.

So I gave up and walked back to my car to just sit and hope a highway patrol guy would eventually drive by. A man pulled up and asked if I needed help- I used his phone and he stayed with me on the side of the road an entire hour until the tow truck arrived.

The tow truck driver drove me and my broken car the 45 minutes home. When I finally got into the house, it was completely dark and my H was sound asleep.

Now, you could say he trusted that I, a resourceful grown woman would be able to handle a car breakdown, which I did (with the help of a stranger).

But if it would have been me, I would have gotten my azz out of bed and immediately driven until I found him, or at the very least, I would have been pacing back and forth waiting for him to get home safely.

Kind of broke my heart to come home and find him completely unconcerned. And the next morning, I don't think he even asked what happened. I had to volunteer the information. This is just one example.

This was after less than a year of marriage. :confused: I suppose this is just a personality trait of his- he's more like a teenage boy than a protective man to me, which disappoints me very much.
That was hurtful just to read! :(
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
About two weeks after the school event my wife heard from a friend who heard from a wife who's husband had attended the field trip that some of the male shapperones had left the event after the kids had gone to bed and went into town to a strip club. Like I said, I was there and had not heard anything about this, but I was in a different cabin with a different group of kids and parents. The men involved claim to have left the event late in the evening to go into town for some burgers and admittedly a beer. They strongly deny any strip joint association. My wife even looked up the local strip joints and called them and found out they were closed that night of the week, but that did not convince her. She is convinced that given the chance this is what men will do and the rumor was all she needed for proof.
 

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Yikes- how did she know/why did she think that happened? Did she actually witness them at the club or something? I wouldn't have backed her up on that either.

This is a major issue in my marriage. For me it's that I really crave a protective type of man (though I am an independent person), and my husband is not like that at all, despite being physically very 'manly' and strong.

For instance, my car broke down- dead- on the interstate close to midnight one night. I called him with the last 30 seconds of juice left in my cell and told him where I was, then the phone died. I couldn't call AAA, so I tried to walk to the nearest convenience store but it was dark, forested and very dangerous with huge semis tearing past me as I walked along the narrow road shoulder. I also would have had to get across a wide, deep ditch filled with vegetation (and maybe snakes or other critters) and scale a chain link fence.

So I gave up and walked back to my car to just sit and hope a highway patrol guy would eventually drive by. A man pulled up and asked if I needed help- I used his phone and he stayed with me on the side of the road an entire hour until the tow truck arrived.

The tow truck driver drove me and my broken car the 45 minutes home. When I finally got into the house, it was completely dark and my H was sound asleep.

Now, you could say he trusted that I, a resourceful grown woman would be able to handle a car breakdown, which I did (with the help of a stranger).

But if it would have been me, I would have gotten my azz out of bed and immediately driven until I found him, or at the very least, I would have been pacing back and forth waiting for him to get home safely.

Kind of broke my heart to come home and find him completely unconcerned. And the next morning, I don't think he even asked what happened. I had to volunteer the information. This is just one example.

This was after less than a year of marriage. :confused: I suppose this is just a personality trait of his- he's more like a teenage boy than a protective man to me, which disappoints me very much.
Please tell me he apologized and is more thoughtful now.

That was so painful to read. I agree with the previous poster who said that. I don't know if I would have stayed calm when I came home after an ordeal like that. I'm pretty sure that it would have results in an epic argument.
 

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Well then I guess she's out of line. Have you told her clearly why you cannot support her in this one instance?

Are there other times when she feels that you have not stood up for her?
 

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That was hurtful just to read! :(
I agree. To leave a woman on a highway to deal alone with a broken down car is wrong. She's lucky that the guy who stopped to help her was on the up and up.
 

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If your wife said to you that "you never stand up for me" what do you think that would mean? On the flip side what do you do to show your wife that you do stand up for her? When I talk with her about trying to improve/save our marriage, she will bring this up and it's a deal breaker for her.
Many years ago, my wife, in tears, complained to me that she was unhappy with something my Mother had said to her, and that she felt my Mother was implying something or other.

I went straight to my Mother and tore strips off her.

I miss ONE day of work, or have ONE bad day where I am depressed?

My wife is straight onto the SMS with her sister and mother complaining about me, and her mother and sister tell her that I am useless, that I am emotionally abusing her and the kids, and that she should divorce me, that she shouldn't put up with it any longer.

Verbatim, that is what they told her last "episode" just because I couldn't find a carpark at my TAFE that I needed to attend to do a course, so came home instead. Even though the carparking issue is so serious it was actually an article in our local newspaper, and many people find themselves simply returning home due to the chronic lack of parking.

So much for reciprocity, LOL.

Dunno why I bother with her.
 

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Yikes- how did she know/why did she think that happened? Did she actually witness them at the club or something? I wouldn't have backed her up on that either.

This is a major issue in my marriage. For me it's that I really crave a protective type of man (though I am an independent person), and my husband is not like that at all, despite being physically very 'manly' and strong.

For instance, my car broke down- dead- on the interstate close to midnight one night. I called him with the last 30 seconds of juice left in my cell and told him where I was, then the phone died. I couldn't call AAA, so I tried to walk to the nearest convenience store but it was dark, forested and very dangerous with huge semis tearing past me as I walked along the narrow road shoulder. I also would have had to get across a wide, deep ditch filled with vegetation (and maybe snakes or other critters) and scale a chain link fence.

So I gave up and walked back to my car to just sit and hope a highway patrol guy would eventually drive by. A man pulled up and asked if I needed help- I used his phone and he stayed with me on the side of the road an entire hour until the tow truck arrived.

The tow truck driver drove me and my broken car the 45 minutes home. When I finally got into the house, it was completely dark and my H was sound asleep.

Now, you could say he trusted that I, a resourceful grown woman would be able to handle a car breakdown, which I did (with the help of a stranger).

But if it would have been me, I would have gotten my azz out of bed and immediately driven until I found him, or at the very least, I would have been pacing back and forth waiting for him to get home safely.

Kind of broke my heart to come home and find him completely unconcerned. And the next morning, I don't think he even asked what happened. I had to volunteer the information. This is just one example.

This was after less than a year of marriage. :confused: I suppose this is just a personality trait of his- he's more like a teenage boy than a protective man to me, which disappoints me very much.
Pink, this is definitely painful to read. I will admit, I'm not a manly man, quite passive and nor the most "pro-active" when it comes to taking on new responsibilities. I can definitely be a dolt, but if it had been my W stranded on the side of the highway, as long as it were physically possible I wouldn't even hesitate to be there, and if I couldn't I'd be doing everything in my (limited) capability to make it happen.

As for spouses putting the other on the spot in situations like the OP - I too would stand up to her if I thought she was out of line - in fact many times I did stand up to my W because she would act irrationally, but not all the time, a couple times I even stood up to my own mother over issues that should have been non issues but weren't because they were important to my W. However all those times I did not have my W's back she viewed as me letting her down, but every time I explained why I could not, and it was usually when she was asking my to lie to cover her lies, or else take her side without being informed of anything at all. If there is ever doubt I'd have her back, but when someone has your back you can't just go lunging out into the unknown, it requires some kind of communication.
 

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So sorry to hear about what happened with the car, pink_lady :/ If something like that had happened to me, I would have gone home and had a SERIOUS talk with him.

As far as standing up for your wife/girlfriend, I think that is so so important. Like everyone else has said, it makes me feel safe, and loved, and it's a wonderful feeling to know that my SO has my back, as I have his. For example, my boyfriend had a coworker that had an issue with me (long story). My boyfriend came home one day and told me that she was insulting me that day, and he told her to back off and leave me alone, because I was a good person. Although I didn't witness this because it happened at work, it still felt nice to know that he said that to her. Everything is going well with his friends, family, ex-wife, or son, but he assured me that if there ever was a problem, he wouldn't hesitate to defend me. I have a lot of respect for a man like that.

Like someone said earlier, I also see it as "can he stand up to me"? And he has, several times. He's always there for me when I need him...got into a minor car accident once, was stranded on the highway several times, and each time, he would rush over, or if he couldn't (because my family or AAA would be coming), he would stay on the phone with me and call me multiple times afterward to make sure everything was okay.

My ex-boyfriend never stood up for me. His friends would tease me and it would upset me, and instead of standing up to his friends, he would tell ME to "suck it up and quit being so sensitive". We also used to play video games together. If someone insulted me, he would never stand up for me, either. Sometimes he would also join in on the insulting (thinking he was just teasing), or he would tell me, again, to "suck it up". I hated him for it and I felt like if I ever needed him, he wouldn't be there for me. I resented him and disrespected him greatly for it.

My friend's fiance had an ex-wife that would constantly threaten her or insult her via email or facebook. She said her fiance never stood up for her.

But yes, not standing up for your wife/gf can make her feel alone and abandoned.
 

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I have no doubt that my husband would rush over if I'm driving and my car stops somewhere in the dark, even if it means walking on his feet (although we both don't have a car yet and he would have called for our family for help driving to reach me somewhere). He would never ever leave me in some unsafe place.

But there were times he did not stand up for me emotionally or while in conflict with some other people who are important for him.
The most horrible time that I can recall is that he had a female friend back then who he cared a lot and had a crush for in the past. I never felt insecure before that day, and I can be sure that I'm the one my husband always wanted. But that day, it was a small special gesture from him to her, plus him not understanding my reaction and only defending her that hurt me deeply.
So that friend was passing through a very hard phase of her life, having trouble with a guy she loved again. We went out with her and when we had to say good bye, he gave her a kiss on the cheek instead of 2 formal kisses (1 on each cheek), as the formal way in our country. It was a special gesture, and I did get jealous. I've told him and instead of understanding why I felt like that, he defended on how his friend is having a hard time and how she needed support and lacked of real friends. This hurt deeply coz compared to her, I have even less friends and I also had a few hard times, even if those hard times didn't really include our relationship. So it hurts coz I always desired that kind of sensitivity from my partner, but he has that for another person and not me. He felt so sorry after, but it's still a small scar that will surface from time to time. One of the things he often lacked is sensitivity towards my emotional needs. He often belittled them and did not support me in the best way. Instead, he would often criticize and say things like "you're overreacting", even thought he only tried to make me feel better. He's now more sensitive, but some scars are still there. He did not mean harm or it wasn't coz he did not care for me, but rather coz he did not see my emotional issues as important and often see them as silly instead.

Another type of situation that annoys me but doesn't really hurt or leave scar is when someone tries to argue with me about something, and he doesn't know much about what we are arguing about, but still agrees with the other person rather than siding with me or at least not commenting! He wouldn't see my wrath... 'till the other person goes away. He said that he will change that thought (we are both agreeable people so I can understand why he does that, but it sucks when I'm arguing with someone else and he who knows little about the topic gives credit to the other side).
 

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Well I haven't read the entire thread, but I believe every man is supposed to protect his wife and womenfolk, not just with words but even physically.

My wife has never accused me of not standing up for her.
In fact she always calls me to defend her, when its too much for her.

One occasion there was this man who used to harass her whenever she went to pay the bills. So she asked me to accompany her, which I did and I called out to the guy and told him not to have anything to tell my wife. I told him if I ever saw both of them on the same side of the pavement he would be very sorry.
He then apologized to her and has never told her anything since.
 

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As I'm reading the other posts here, I'm seeing that I have a bit of an inner contradiction.

Pink's example made me remember how my ex dropped everything and drove 4 hours when I was in an accident that totaled my truck, and again when we were divorced and I desperately needed help getting my house ready to move into.

At the same time, I'd feel irked if someone tried to have my back when I didn't feel I needed it. My husband still recalls something like this on the night we met - an event I don't remember. A guy had made a couple of rude sexual innuendos to me. I don't remember them, but being a pool/poker player it's not like I haven't experienced that before. My husband says he was getting ready to tell the guy off but then I put the guy in his place and shut him down before my husband could. Even though my husband and I had never had a conversation, I find it touching that he felt that way, but if he had jumped in, I'd have felt anxious and maybe angry, because I'd have felt like he'd seen me as weak and/or that the men could have ended up brawling or something.
 

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Its a wonderful thing when your husband can have your back. I never had that though. I never needed or wanted my husband to fight my battles, but it would be just nice to know that sometimes they can come to your defense once in awhile, just because.

Over the years I tried to explain that to my husband, but for some reason he never really got it. Or maybe he did but didn't care to be bothered with it. I understand his father never had his mothers back, and it was probably a learned behavior, but after 18 years of him knowing how I feel, its probably more of a choice than anything. And even though my self worth never revolved around whether he came to my defense or not, I often felt at times he felt I wasn't worth much for him to even try to have my back. So after years of his family putting me down etc etc, and feeling like I had to defend myself because no one else would, he actually said he didn't need to defend me and he sure didn't like how I defended myself. :rofl: Ha, classic, he wasn't gonna do it but he didn't like how I did it either. Well guess what, IF I have to do it, then I will do it my way, and you have no say so in it, so sit down and shut up! :D
 
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