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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just noticed really that a vast majority of other relationships I notice here in my hometown are/have been all cheaters. Both men/women with 2+ boyfriends/girlfriends to the point that infidelity is pretty much accepted and even forgiven for serial cheaters. For the married folk it's much more underground and private.

Some of my mates reckon I kick myself up too much over what I did years ago and that my wife shouldn't be worried about and that she should be forgiving and that I shouldn't call myself a cheater...

Well you be the judge:

When I cheated my wife and I were just bf/gf at the time. We were going through a very rough patch with interreligious issues and we had both droughts and real bad fights. Our relationship status was on the edge of a full breakup but for many of my mates they reckoned we've already broken up but neither of us wanted to let go.

It was during this time that I got myself drunk and had a one night stand with a woman which I don't remember much of. Regardless of whether I even stuck it in before passing out became irrelevant as it was a cheat regardless. When my wife/gf at the time found it, that was the end of it.

It took a very long time to reconcile even as friends and we didn't even reconcile as lovers. Instead, she fell pregnant (yes, we were having sex even then), and she wanted to keep the child. So we both decided that even though we're not ready, let's go through with it and see what happens -> the beginning of a 4 year toxic marriage.

Now... what I want to know, is whether:
1) I am a cheater, folks in RL are treating infidelity too casually
2) I'm not a cheater, we're taking it too seriously and it's affecting our lives and both of us should move on.
3) Or something else?
 

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3) something else.

You were young and stupid.

Have you cheated on your wife since you committed to her and your little girl? If yes you're a cheater if no you were young and stupid.
 

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I have to pick the #1, sorry. But that doesn't mean you cannot work out why you did what you did and become accountable for your actions(which you seem to have done.) So I don't see a problem.

But there seems to be a bit more lenience towards cheating in general(especially female infidelity).
 

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He was around 23 when this happened.

Under that criteria then I'm a cheater too and I've stayed faithful for 23 years now. I didn't sleep around but oh yeah I cheated on guys while in relationships and when drunk I'd get into some heavy petting.

I was young, BROKEN and stupid.
 

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It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It only matters what you and your wife think. If you think you were in a committed relationship (regardless of being "almost broken up") and had a ONS, then you cheated on her. If she thinks you were in a committed relationship and you had a ONS, then she thinks you cheated on her. In any case, the important thing for the two of you to decide is whether you'll do it again when you're in a tough spell and whether she can forgive you and move on.

C
 

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3) You're a cheater AND you're both taking it too seriously and letting it affect your lives.

As Mavash pointed out, you were BOTH young. And immature. And full of drama. And on the verge of breaking up. And drunk which just proves points 1&2.

Stop rehashing it. It is over.

You have OTHER, more important CURRENT matters on which you two should be expending your time/energy/emotion.

This incident is OLD NEWS, did not lead anywhere, was not the start of a series of affairs. It was a one-off, drunken, mistaken.

Everybody is entitled to make them...especially when young, immature, and drunk.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
True, yeah I was young and stupid. It's something I sure aint going to go through again, even now though despite having forgiven me I know my wife has not forgotten. I just wish she does though because I know full-well I'd rather die then to repeat that mistake but deep down she will never be able to fully believe that. She has become more trusting since I've quit alcohol however, even though she was p-ssed at first getting used to "the new sober RandomDude".

On one hand I know I have to deal with the consequences of my actions, but on the other hand, I just wish she can truly move on from my stupidity those years ago. I also want to believe what my mates tell me so I can move on myself without this shameful stain on my record labelling myself as a cheater, but that would be just believing what I want to believe.

Yeah we have bigger issues, thanks though for clearing things up, this has been sitting at the back of my mind but I was uncertain whether to ask it.
 

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Well I'm not a guy, but I'll throw in my 2 cents. There is a difference between a one night stand drunken mistake and serial cheating. I personally would rather have hubby make a drunken mistake than to be emotionally cheating with no sex and getting close to some woman emotionally. Everyone makes mistakes. The big thing is whether we learn from those mistakes or not. I would never tell hubby this, but if he had an affair and I caught him I would forgive him as long as he stopped all contact and didn't do it again and he was remorseful and open to counseling.
 
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