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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife would take a friend and her mother to work and home from work just to be nice. Recently I found a drivers license in our car and questioned her about it. She said "the mother was paying her sons driving ticket", okay I believed that and thought nothing of it.

Then we got into an argument on Mothers Day because I refused to get her anything since I don't do holidays and the license came up again. Then while she was in the shower I got sense she was hiding something and went in her phone. The same dude on the license text her with "wyd?". I checked the msg then put the phone back, she came out the shower and went in her phone. I check it again she deleted it but I took screenshots of it.

Turns out she deliberately went through my phone to block the guy from Facebook because she was ****ing him several times. This is all what she admitted. Said they stated having sex after he listened to her one night (something I admit I don't do a lot of) but it was about our marital problems, which in my eyes gave him ammo for the kill. After the first time all he had to do to have sex with her was ask and they did.

I have had her here in our crying all day while she sees me suffering with this begging me to stay and that she won't do it again. I don't want to end my marriage but this **** really hurts. I need advice plz we have two lol girls and I don't want them living through a divorce.
 

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if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.


Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.

so if you don't do holidays do you tell her frequently that shes a good mom? out of the blue do you give her presents just because ? or because you don't need that type of thing you think nobody does?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.


Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.

so if you don't do holidays do you tell her frequently that shes a good mom? out of the blue do you give her presents just because ? or because you don't need that type of thing you think nobody does?
I am at fault in this particular situation, I don't tell her she's a good mother as much as I should, I did end up getting her a card at least for Mother's Day, I do get her random gifts for no reason from time to time but not because of holidays, and I understand that most people do holidays I as a person just stay out of them I try not to ruin it for others
 

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Do the usual,

Decide if

a) you can forgive her or not. Get counselling for yourself and MC for you both

b) It is not an excuse but it would seem you are not meeting her needs. Obviously mothers day is important to her (who give a **** what you think!), normally in a marriage you make the effort to do/acknowledge what is important to your spouse. You dropped the ball big time though the cheating is 100% on her.
 

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Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.
True but the response was a bit over the top, no?
 

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Infidelity.

It is never right.

It is always real.

The reasons are never right, but they are always real.

Feeling trust in another is right and must be real.

She took that trust....and took it right out the door, left it out...someone else picked it up.....and toyed with it.
 

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Cheating might be understandable because you didn't do things, but it's never acceptable. It's never right. If she had a problem with you treating her like crap she should read you the riot act, threaten to divorce you, let you know. She should not cheat.

Don't make excuses for her.
 

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go see your attorney. at least get her to sign a post nup.

But get D papers and leave her a copy.

did she get tested for stds?

has she gone N/C with her boyfriend?


How do you know this is the first time? and how many times did they have sex?

Did she do things for him that she would not do for you? Was he bigger? was he a better lover?
 

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You are responsible for a bad marriage. You are never responsible for someone else's adultery. That is the offending party's fault and theirs alone. Hell, even if you told them to do it, the decision to actually do the deed was yours.

Edit: I didn't even notice that typo. I meant the decision to do the deed was still theirs.
 

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I would wait a good 6 months before you decide. Right now you are in shock. While you are doing that detach emotionally so you can make a logical decision. Don't choose to stay out of fear, that is the worst thing you can do. Also understand the marriage you had is dead and it won't be coming back. This will always be a part of your marriage one way or another. You have to decided if you can live with it. Most people don't know that until that get over the initial trauma, or really the grief. I hear grief counseling is a good idea because you are grieving what you thought you had. No matter what you do you have to go through that though, so better to not make a decision until you are over the intensity of that. Right now you are not in your right mind.

I would also say if your marriage had problems before unless you are going to make a monumental effort it is unlikely that the affair will help that. Are both of you prepared to make a monumental effort? Plus she is going to have to figure out what it is in her that allowed he to cheat. Lots of people have bad marriages even worst then you not all of them choose to go outside their marriage.

If you stay you will have to live with the fact that the women you wake up with slept with another man and spend a great deal of effort lying to you about it. Those are the facts, they are not going to change so you have to decide if you can be happy knowing that.
 
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First, you should not make up your mind that you want to reconcile right away.

Why?

Because in order to consider it, you need several things from her which she many not want or be able to do:

No contact with the AP
Full transparency of all devices to include passwords to messaging accounts and social media
Written timeline of the affair
Agree to attend IC to find out why she allowed this to happen
Go to both of your parents and confess to what she has done
Showing genuine concern not just for saving the marriage AND for how she has hurt you

There is more, and some other experienced posters will be along shortly to give more examples. Without the aforementioned things, she is not a good candidate for reconciliation.

You are now in the process of trying to identify whether or not you want to reconcile, while watching her actions to see if she is a good candidate for reconciliation, AND dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that are sure to come to you. In short, you have your work cut out for you.

Sorry you are here.
 

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She does not get the right to blame her actions on your being a crappy husband
if you are going to stay married
she needs to do some heavy lifting on this marriage
she needs complete transparency
she need to be check for STDs (no sex until she gets checked out
you both need Marriage Couseling
and you need her to STOP all communication and she needs to call him with you listening in
and you tell him to stay away or you will get a restraining order

you need some alone time to heal as well and to work on yourself as well.

My only concern in your desire to stay married....she did not come clean willingly, she was deceitful and she stopped because she got caught and now she wants to stay married....what you have is a wife who got caught and is sorry....i'm sorry but that doe snot warrant a get out of jail free card.

Ask her what she intends to do to save this marriage.
 

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She needs to go no contact with her affair partner (AP).

No contact is not done through a phone call. That's personal contact. Here is a sample no-contact letter. Your wife needs to write it up and sign it. Then you and your wife go and mail it to this guy.

+++++++++++
OM,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that my husband did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay my husband for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me.

Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

++++++++++++
 

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There here are some books that I think would help you. The books are written by Dr. Harley. Read them in the order that they are listed here. Your wife would also need to read the last two books with you and you both do the work that the books say to do.

"Surviving an Affair"

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
go see your attorney. at least get her to sign a post nup.

But get D papers and leave her a copy.

did she get tested for stds?

has she gone N/C with her boyfriend?


How do you know this is the first time? and how many times did they have sex?

Did she do things for him that she would not do for you? Was he bigger? was he a better lover?
she said it was more than 10 times but less than 15 from april to now, but I don't know what to belive, she said he always wore a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant and she says she didn't give him oral nor he.

she told me they would just take their pants off and go at it then shed leave come home fix our familys food after a shower and lay up next to me like nothing was wrong.

according to her they did the same thing we do except he listened to her for a while and then they started having sex, after that whenever she went over to drop his sister or mom off all he had to do was ask to have sex and it was on, when I spent 6 years with this woman all he needed was one talk session.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
First, you should not make up your mind that you want to reconcile right away.

Why?

Because in order to consider it, you need several things from her which she many not want or be able to do:

No contact with the AP
Full transparency of all devices to include passwords to messaging accounts and social media
Written timeline of the affair
Agree to attend IC to find out why she allowed this to happen
Go to both of your parents and confess to what she has done
Showing genuine concern not just for saving the marriage AND for how she has hurt you

There is more, and some other experienced posters will be along shortly to give more examples. Without the aforementioned things, she is not a good candidate for reconciliation.

You are now in the process of trying to identify whether or not you want to reconcile, while watching her actions to see if she is a good candidate for reconciliation, AND dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that are sure to come to you. In short, you have your work cut out for you.

Sorry you are here.
I did all this including making her take me to their house and tell them its over, turns out the mom and sister told her she shouldn't be doing it but she kept doing it anyway
 
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