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My husband and I have known each other for more than 5 years now and have recently got married (almost a year). We both live in a country far from our origin so we visit home once a year for 2-3 weeks. Previously I used to spend all this time with my parents and friends. Last year we got married when we went home and this year will be the first time we are going back as a couple so we are thinking of splitting our holidays between our own parents and in-laws.

To give a bit of a background – during our wedding last year there were some inter-family issues which resulted in some not-so-happy moments. I was feeling bitter at that time against my in-laws and did not spend any time with them. After spending the first 2 days at my in-laws, I went back to spend the rest of the holidays with my parents. This made them feel sad because they thought I did not like them and did not want to spend time with them – which was true! This also made my husband mad at me but he let me go because he did not want to make my unhappy. Also, when you get to see your parents for only 3 weeks in a year, you want to spend as much time as you can with them.

Since then, time has healed some wounds and my relationship with my in-laws have got better (only on the phone though). So we decided we will split our holidays this year. I want to spend 1 week at the in-laws, and 2 weeks with my parents. During these 2 weeks, my husband will stay with my parents as well for a week and the other week will be for me all to myself.
My husband wants to split 50-50 so he wants me to spend half of my holidays at his parents and half at mine. He insists we spend the whole 3 weeks as a couple togheter the whole time while I want to spend some time just by me with my friends/family. <Q1> Am I asking for too much?

He is also insiting on a 50-50 and not specifying how many days he wants me to stay with him at his parents house, so I feel he is trying to show to his parents that they are as important to me as my parents and I want to spend equal amount with them – this is not true, I have been clear to him about this, but he has just blocked it out. I have nothing against his parents and would love to spend some time but I don’t like how he is trying to dictate to me what to do with my holidays. <Q2> I understand he is trying to patch things up between me and his parents and make up for time I did not spend last year, but is he being correct in doing it this way?

This holiday splitting is getting on my nerves because I don’t like to be told what to do and I feel I will resent him if he does this to my holidays. I don’t think I will enjoy the time with his parents simply because I feel he took away those days from me with my parents. If I tell this to him directly, which I have, he gets very adamant and refuses to see what I am trying to say –i.e. forcing me to spend more time with his parents will not mend things. I am very headstrong and I feel l will purposefully try to ruin all 3 weeks if he makes me do this (or run away to a different country/city half way through). How can we sort this out without starting to hate each other?
 

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Well the honeymoon definitely seems to be over! A 50/50 split seems fair. Having a 3rd week to yourself when your H doesn't want that seem selfish to me. Assuming you talking about the Christmas holiday (which seems to go on forever in the UK - wish I live there!) then who want to be alone for a week?

Even before my Husband was traveling for work a lot so we were hardly ever apart, we look forward to doing things together during the holidays. But I don’t live apart from my family and friends so maybe I would feel differently if I live abroad.

I'm sorry to say this but you seem like a spoil brat talking about how you will ruin the whole holiday if you don't get your way. Both of you seem a bit immature or maybe you didn't get to know each other before marriage. Was it an arranged marriage?
 

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I have nothing against his parents and would love to spend some time but I don’t like how he is trying to dictate to me what to do with my holidays
So, arguably - why isn't it okay to "dictate" to you what you do with "your" holidays, but it is okay for you to dictate to him what he does with his? Why is that holiday not "our" vacation versus "your" vacation? Why are the holidays "my holidays" not "our holidays"?

Why do you want to spend a week with your friends without your husband? Is he a hindrance to some things you want to do? Why? In short, why don't you want to spend time with your husband, what makes the vacation more enjoyable to you for him to be somewhere else?

If you have three weeks of vacation, I'd recommend a compromise - one week his his parents, one week with yours, and one week where you go -somewhere completely else- as a couple. I mean to be blunt, after two weeks of staying in other people's houses - don't you want to like - have sex?

You two need to address the issue you have with his parents, which given that there were no real details, I'm unsure what to advise. What was the issue you had? What issue do you still have with his parents?
 
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