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I have the slight suspicion you don't know his story... :giggle:
I've read a little bit about his story. I don't know what he can do next, but I see they are working and trying to change things.

If they know how and when things work is that good enough for him? Can he be satisfied? Because we all can be asking others what's normal or not in their relationship but that may not be normal in our relationship and that's ok! We are individuals after all.

9 minutes seem quick? According to what? Who cares about the time as long as they are satisfied, but I think he feels something is not right?
 

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I think the most telling thing to me is that afterwards, you both enjoyed some time together feeling that post sex intimacy and you really enjoyed that. To me, that adds onto your 9 minutes with some seriously good quality time together. 9 minutes was enough to activate that chemical bond we get from sex. Don't question it...just make note of what those songs were...you might want to listen to them again. ;)
 

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Just curious; did you meet speed dating?
 
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Couples with young children be like: Huh... a whole ten minutes for sex? Continuous?
Um...young?? I have teenagers and it's impossible to find time that you're not scared they'll walk in on you. My kids are just getting used to the idea of me having a boyfriend and the last thing I need is to scar them for life and make things even more awkward between them and him. But as my exH is away and BF was battled a kidney stone last week it had been a while...we snuck in a super quickie while my kids were watching a movie. I was terrified the entire time. LOL
 

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Discussion Starter #28
For those wanting to know the three songs... it's a very odd mix that Spotify came up with. I doubt anyone here will recognize all three-

Lamb Lies Down on Broadway (Genesis)
I Think of You (Renaissance)
Good Captain Clack (Procol Harum)

Thankfully she got Lamb and some of I Think of You. Don't think Good Captain Clack would have done much for her.
 

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For those wanting to know the three songs... it's a very odd mix that Spotify came up with. I doubt anyone here will recognize all three-

Lamb Lies Down on Broadway (Genesis)
I Think of You (Renaissance)
Good Captain Clack (Procol Harum)

Thankfully she got Lamb and some of I Think of You. Don't think Good Captain Clack would have done much for her.
Outstanding!
I suggest adding some blues. Nothing like slow driving blues back beat when enjoying a romp.
 

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Um...young?? I have teenagers and it's impossible to find time that you're not scared they'll walk in on you. My kids are just getting used to the idea of me having a boyfriend and the last thing I need is to scar them for life and make things even more awkward between them and him. But as my exH is away and BF was battled a kidney stone last week it had been a while...we snuck in a super quickie while my kids were watching a movie. I was terrified the entire time. LOL
Fear is a very powerful stimulant to heighten the senses (said no rapist, ever). Joking!
That’s why not always hiding in the closed and getting outdoors can also be quite amazing. Like nature intended!
 

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Um...young?? I have teenagers and it's impossible to find time that you're not scared they'll walk in on you. My kids are just getting used to the idea of me having a boyfriend and the last thing I need is to scar them for life and make things even more awkward between them and him. But as my exH is away and BF was battled a kidney stone last week it had been a while...we snuck in a super quickie while my kids were watching a movie. I was terrified the entire time. LOL
Been there, done that with kids.

I understand what you feel having sex around teenagers but that's what God invented locks for bedroom doors and music.

Soon you'll find a happy balance there. It's way better when you get comfortable with telling older kids you and dad are taking a nap. It's never as big a thing as one thinks when kids realize you're having sex.

Good for you for keeping sex alive at home!
 

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Been there, done that with kids.

I understand what you feel having sex around teenagers but that's what God invented locks for bedroom doors and music.

Soon you'll find a happy balance there. It's way better when you get comfortable with telling older kids you and dad are taking a nap. It's never as big a thing as one thinks when kids realize you're having sex.

Good for you for keeping sex alive at home!
If I was having sex with their Dad, besides it being a shock since he's gay and we're divorced, I would not have a problem with heading upstairs, locking the door and having our time. But this was with my boyfriend, who they are not entirely comfortable around yet and the very last thing they need is to walk in on that!!!!! I'm trying not to overwhelm them with my new life. BF and I are lucky in that he lives alone so it's very easy for us to have time to ourselves and not have to worry about this...but I am stuck at my house all week because the exH is away so I'm home with the kids. BF came for dinner and well...as I said, it had been a while. It all worked out...kids were none the wiser.
 

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If I was having sex with their Dad, besides it being a shock since he's gay and we're divorced, I would not have a problem with heading upstairs, locking the door and having our time. But this was with my boyfriend, who they are not entirely comfortable around yet and the very last thing they need is to walk in on that!!!!! I'm trying not to overwhelm them with my new life. BF and I are lucky in that he lives alone so it's very easy for us to have time to ourselves and not have to worry about this...but I am stuck at my house all week because the exH is away so I'm home with the kids. BF came for dinner and well...as I said, it had been a while. It all worked out...kids were none the wiser.
Yep, boyfriends would be different.
 

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Heck, just be glad you can both get off that easy! I reckon by now, you both know what works for you, right? I mean, you can still always try it your own way for your own benefit occasionally. You might want to warn her first some way.

But if she's all happy about it, then great. Just throw in some non-sex cuddle on the couch time because most women like that a lot, and just being attentive about what they're up to in their daily living.
The non-sex cuddles on the couch remain an issue, because she's still thinking it wouldn't be happening unless it leads to sex, which, for her, discredits it. And yes, it DOES lead to sex, but not then, maybe the next day, whatever. It remains an issue in our relationship that sex or should we say sexual tension is a no-go for her. Sex itself can be OK, at the time.
I think its cool you all at least go to a sex therapist.
You might not if you saw the bill! $260/session. The good thing about that? It's an incentive to expect performance (an appropriate metaphor). You're paying so the therapist better deliver. I don't give her anywhere near the same latitude I give the therapists who are highly subsidized through our health plan.
I don't think 10 minutes is too fast for a "quickie". I've had plenty of sex that, start to finish, was like 2 minutes... So that's where my mind goes when I think of a quickie. Add in the before and after stuff like cuddling, and that makes it less of a quickie. To me, a quickie is "let's do this quickly before the kids notice we're gone" or "before the guests get here" and there is no time for the extra stuff.

I can go down on my wife for an hour and there is still a 0.01% chance of getting her off. So she usually doesn't want to bother with that because it won't work anyway. Then sex often turns into just doing it and getting it over with. Either I finish quickly to get it over with or have a hard time and take forever because she's clearly not into it so neither am I.
The bolded part is a real issue for me. If it doesn't happen pretty quickly, not only isn't it going to happen, but it builds resentment on her part. It's like, why are you trying to force this on me? Which would be fine IF she gave better signals for what's happening, what's not. SHE has to be the one communicating because, frankly, while giving oral to your wife it's kind of like when the dentist has all the tools in your mouth and he's expecting you to carry on a conversation? The answer is to figure out, pretty quickly, if things are going anywhere. It would be so much easier if she would take some degree of control or responsibility.
We've had plenty of 10 minute sessions that were fabulous. It's like having a power nap...
10 minutes and you feel great!
I think the nap comes afterward? Instead of a cigarette?
Sounds great to me. Even sounds like progress.

Are you worried that that sort of scenario is going to become the only one you are going to get to have? Or that you just traded a potentially longer encounter for a briefer one?

Maybe challenge yourself to focus on the positives, and let go of the worries in your head about it. Those worries may seem like useful analysis, but they could also be a way for some subconscious part of you to sabotage the progress being made.

A wife that’s working with you, has found a way of being that let her be ready for you and invite you in...sounds like you’re livin’ the dream, at least from here.
It's definitely an improvement. She is trying.
My wife started doing that (going through the motions as quickly as possible so she could have her orgasm), towards the end of our sex life... to be honest, I hated it. But if it's ok with you, I don't see anything wrong with it. Since we don't have sex anymore, I would go along even with a slightly mechanical "procedure" now... at least I would feel we are a bit close. We have lost that completely and it's sad. So, even if it's quick, I recommend having sex regardless.
There have been times when my wife and I had sex for three hours straight. There have also been times when we had sex for maybe three minutes? I think most people call that a quickie.

Whatever the case, if you are happy and it works for you, what's the problem?
It doesn't work that way very often, but I'd be fine if that were the norm. I just wish there was a way for her to anticipate enjoying intimacy. Which I guess is why we're seeing a sex therapist.
It is good, was good for you two which is the most important.
No reason to even be concerned!

You two are growing and drawing closer. That's the best of all.
Yes, that is true. The process is susceptible to failure at any time though; she cannot develop any momentum for progress. It's a groundhog day thing. But we're learning what she's capable of, which is something we didn't know before. That is progress in itself.
Hell no it's not wrong.

Next time, try to beat your 9 minute and 38 second record so she can get back to what she was doing even quicker. 😁
I don't think she can do much better than 4 minutes. Look, I'm a guy, I don't have a woman's perspective on this, but I would think several minutes of extreme pleasure with an orgasm that lasts maybe one full minute of it would be preferable to something much shorter? For my part, I'm jealous of what she gets to enjoy vs me. I don't get the long extended orgasm that she does. That part might be, what, 15 seconds? I'm thinking, unless it made it more likely she'd orgasm, I'm not interested in anything shorter. BUT- if 4 or 5 minutes was 50% reliable while 2 minutes was 80%? I'd be all over the 2 minutes for her.
Well, the first rule is W takes her panties of when coming to bed.

No real questions then. It's gonna happen.

😉❤👍👍👍
My wife is more likely to get turned on, or in the mood I guess, when her panties are actually on. It's a fantasy thing I think. Is that just her?
Are you perhaps wondering what sex SHOULD be like? (At 63? I wish I still had your curiosity at 40...).
It is really whatever you both make it out to be.
There isn’t really a FAQ for this sadly (did I spell that correctly?)

I don’t know how to give helpful tips (without being disgusting) but let me just say that there is potential to ‘ween’ her to do or participate in things more, once she gets going...To the point that she may grow to like them so much that she won’t be able to cum without them in future...
It can be like day and night. ‘No way am I doing this’ would be the typical reply at breakfast or whatever. Changing quickly to ‘give me more of that’ once she gets going.

My point is, don’t just ‘stick it in’ if that’s not all you are satisfied with. Pick your moments when you wish to be more creative and then experiment.
Sigh. We're in therapy because she still has really severe issues associating sex with being a good thing. She went through some stuff early on that convinced her that sex got her into bad places so she essentially swore it off before meeting me. And without telling me. So right now, if I push too hard, we will quickly go back to her telling me how much she's resented sex these past 40+ years. I hope to get there though.
I have the slight suspicion you don't know his story... :giggle:
It's a story that's still searching for an ending. It's my hope that you will find some hope if things work out. So yes, sometimes I think about what you've gone through, what you're going through, and it's like, I can't fail, @In Absentia needs to see that the impossible can happen.
I've read a little bit about his story. I don't know what he can do next, but I see they are working and trying to change things.

If they know how and when things work is that good enough for him? Can he be satisfied? Because we all can be asking others what's normal or not in their relationship but that may not be normal in our relationship and that's ok! We are individuals after all.

9 minutes seem quick? According to what? Who cares about the time as long as they are satisfied, but I think he feels something is not right?
I posted here partly for amusement, to tell you the truth. I had no idea it was THAT quick until I noticed the music that had played through.
Btw this is not ‘speed sex’. Speed sex is measured in seconds I would have thought...
This is called ‘efficient wife’.
I'm all for "efficient wife"!!! As long as it gets here "there."
I think the most telling thing to me is that afterwards, you both enjoyed some time together feeling that post sex intimacy and you really enjoyed that. To me, that adds onto your 9 minutes with some seriously good quality time together. 9 minutes was enough to activate that chemical bond we get from sex. Don't question it...just make note of what those songs were...you might want to listen to them again. ;)
Absolutely!
Just curious; did you meet speed dating?
The opposite really.
For those wanting to know the three songs... it's a very odd mix that Spotify came up with. I doubt anyone here will recognize all three-

Lamb Lies Down on Broadway (Genesis)
I Think of You (Renaissance)
Good Captain Clack (Procol Harum)

Thankfully she got Lamb and some of I Think of You. Don't think Good Captain Clack would have done much for her.
 

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Casual, there just shouldn't be any sexual tension sitting with your arm around your wife or her leaning on you as you watch TV. Sex is just not the end game there. A person has got to be able to relax with their partner without everything becoming an issue about sex. Relaxing on the couch in a little cuddle is not about sex. Maybe you should verbalize a rule and say from now on let's just say the sofa is a place for affection but never a place to start sex. Then you could both relax in the living room.
 

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Sigh. We're in therapy because she still has really severe issues associating sex with being a good thing. She went through some stuff early on that convinced her that sex got her into bad places so she essentially swore it off before meeting me. And without telling me. So right now, if I push too hard, we will quickly go back to her telling me how much she's resented sex these past 40+ years. I hope to get there though.
Get where exactly? You need her to enjoy the sex? How would this need to be shown?
Don’t put that kind of pressure on her (and yourself). Be careful not to become one of those “Looney Tunes” husbands: “I gonna love you, I gonna squeeze you, I gonna hug you, I gonna go down on you and if you don’t enjoy it and cum enthusiastically every time, I gonna smother you with more love until you do....”

I mean how do you know what her enjoyment of sex is supposed to look like, exactly?
Be careful, some women can get really put off by men that second guess themselves the whole time or are waiting for cues or clues or expecting to be told what to do.

Do YOU actually want it? Because if there is any doubt about it in her mind that you do, then forget about it.

If she feels cuddling leads to sex all the time then don’t cuddle (or skip the cuddles and go straight to sex then at least she won’t feel you are scheming for sex).

If you feel she is under a lot of pressure from you to enjoy it when you are trying to please her...have you tried pleasing yourself instead? (By ‘using’ her I mean).

There seem to be many men in more recent times that I feel are overthinking the whole sex thing in their marriage...Maybe it’s because of the whole #metoo stuff I dunno but YOU are supposed to enjoy it and take her along for the ride. Not make her the centre of attention. You should do that outside the bedroom instead.

Sorry if I got it all wrong. I guess I don’t quite understand what the issue is.
 

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Discussion Starter #37 (Edited)
Get where exactly? You need her to enjoy the sex? How would this need to be shown?
Don’t put that kind of pressure on her (and yourself). Be careful not to become one of those “Looney Tunes” husbands: “I gonna love you, I gonna squeeze you, I gonna hug you, I gonna go down on you and if you don’t enjoy it and cum enthusiastically every time, I gonna smother you with more love until you do....”

I mean how do you know what her enjoyment of sex is supposed to look like, exactly?
Be careful, some women can get really put off by men that second guess themselves the whole time or are waiting for cues or clues or expecting to be told what to do.

Do YOU actually want it? Because if there is any doubt about it in her mind that you do, then forget about it.

If she feels cuddling leads to sex all the time then don’t cuddle (or skip the cuddles and go straight to sex then at least she won’t feel you are scheming for sex).

If you feel she is under a lot of pressure from you to enjoy it when you are trying to please her...have you tried pleasing yourself instead? (By ‘using’ her I mean).

There seem to be many men in more recent times that I feel are overthinking the whole sex thing in their marriage...Maybe it’s because of the whole #metoo stuff I dunno but YOU are supposed to enjoy it and take her along for the ride. Not make her the centre of attention. You should do that outside the bedroom instead.

Sorry if I got it all wrong. I guess I don’t quite understand what the issue is.
Edited and deleted a bunch of stuff found elsewhere...

So yeah, it's complicated. But we're working through it.
 

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There are other threads where my situation is played out; it's complicated. But in a nutshell, my wife and I are dealing with stuff that should have been dealt with decades ago. Many decades ago. She went from being an extremely sexual person to having an aversion to it, the moment we first had actual sex. Had me feeling guilty about taking her virginity prior to marriage, and for the next 40 years she did everything she could to avoid it, without ever telling the truth, until her past caught up with her, involving at least two guys she'd had sex with, she certainly enjoyed it with the first guy, then she rewrites her history when she meets me, I get to play the fall guy for her losing her virginity, there's religion involved, she doubles-down repeatedly on her cover story, never tells her counselors or therapists along the way about any issues involving sex, tells me right after marriage she'd be fine with sex once or twice a month, at most...

So yeah, it's complicated. But we're working through it.
Yes, I read some of it...but what’s the issue NOW? Or rather: why is this an issue now, for you, if it has always been like this between the two of you?
 

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Discussion Starter #39
Yes, I read some of it...but what’s the issue NOW? Or rather: why is this an issue now, for you, if it has always been like this between the two of you?
Because I decided that, knowing the root cause, maybe things could change? Because it doesn't always have to be this way? The issue NOW is, well, some of it is wondering what's normal. Some of it is just having a bit of fun with something (the speed sex) and wondering how it goes down elsewhere. I don't know. Maybe I've had 40+ years of non-growth in this area. I need to learn and catch up! :)
 

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Get where exactly? You need her to enjoy the sex? How would this need to be shown?
Don’t put that kind of pressure on her (and yourself). Be careful not to become one of those “Looney Tunes” husbands: “I gonna love you, I gonna squeeze you, I gonna hug you, I gonna go down on you and if you don’t enjoy it and cum enthusiastically every time, I gonna smother you with more love until you do....”

I mean how do you know what her enjoyment of sex is supposed to look like, exactly?
Be careful, some women can get really put off by men that second guess themselves the whole time or are waiting for cues or clues or expecting to be told what to do.

Do YOU actually want it? Because if there is any doubt about it in her mind that you do, then forget about it.


If she feels cuddling leads to sex all the time then don’t cuddle (or skip the cuddles and go straight to sex then at least she won’t feel you are scheming for sex).

If you feel she is under a lot of pressure from you to enjoy it when you are trying to please her...have you tried pleasing yourself instead? (By ‘using’ her I mean).

There seem to be many men in more recent times that I feel are overthinking the whole sex thing in their marriage...Maybe it’s because of the whole #metoo stuff I dunno but

Sorry if I got it all wrong. I guess I don’t quite understand what the issue is.
@Casual Observer,

I think there are some good points there to keep in mind. I’m curious if you’ve considered whether such factors complicate your situation, and whether things like that come up at your therapy sessions or discussions at home.

It’s kind of difficult to be presented with such a problematic “desire issue” for multiple decades and not become extra attentive to her experience and trying to make it better for her. Over time, such attentiveness could become an ingrained part of the problem, in multiple ways I suppose.

I feel like this is one of the ways in which I have facilitated the demise of my marital sex life and marriage. Had I cared more about my own experience and cared less about hers — at least some of the time — she might have been more responsive to me. No doubt, some of her other lovers, decades ago, were naturally more self-centered.

Things I’ve gleaned from women posting here suggests a bias towards wanting to not feel as if the man “needs” her to feel pleasure to be fulfilled himself. Seems the ideal is towards him taking something he wants (not beyond a certain line of course) and being confident he deserves it and that she won’t mind. And I think that is probably true for a lot of women, not just for women who would consider themselves particularly “submissive”. (Ladies, please feel free to set me straight if I’ve misunderstood.)

I think after awhile, it becomes extremely difficult to approach sex beforehand with the right mindset, maintain the right mindset during, and to reflect accurately afterwards. The dynamics in play really favor destructiveness/disconnect over time, and a diminishment and invalidation of the HD partner’s value and expectations in his or her own mind.

Not sure where I’m going with this. Maybe that considering there are downward shifts in outlook/attitude/feeling/self-concept/self-esteem over time, maybe it’s useful to check in with yourself from time to time to see if a more self-valuing approach and outlook would mix things up for the good.
 
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