Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 54 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,007 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Our sex life has historically been the pits. Details in other threads but basically she tends to go along to get it over with, except when she cums first via oral. But that's a mixed bag as far as success goes. Initiate? For her, never. But last night we're reading through "Come As You Are" (recommended by our sex therapist for her), which is a pretty dense book for her, so I read it aloud and we talk about it after, what it means. Non-concordant signals and stuff. I get this idea hey, she doesn't enjoy this much, let's turn it into something different. Tell me when you're done with it by initiating. Just take my arm and say "I'm bored, I'm ready."

A few minutes later she tells me ok, I'm bored. So we put the book down, turn off the lights, turn on the music (which has seemed to help) and I'm stroking her for a couple minutes over her panties. Around her panties. Under her panties. A couple minutes of this and, as usual, she doesn't give much of a clue if I'm getting anywhere. So I dive in for oral. And yes, turns out she's ready. She's there and done pretty fast. Not faked, actually done. It's always a crap shoot figuring out how to heighten suspense while not losing the moment. She loses the moment really easy. And at that point she's quite ready for me. The only time she's ready for me (after she's already had an orgasm). For me, the option of playing it out, taking my time, runs the risk of losing her "moment" and her becoming bored. So I'm on it pretty fast, and for me, the time I'm spending on her (oral) is every bit as satisfying as the time spent inside her. I keep my mind on the game, keep the dark thoughts aside, and I'm done pretty soon.

And then I look at the Spotify list afterward. OMG. Three songs. I later added them up. 9 minutes, 28 seconds.

Seriously???!!!

Let me tell you, it was great, it felt wonderful hugging each other afterward, long post-sex "glow" (far longer than the act itself). I wouldn't mind more of this. She's not into long stuff, period.

If this works, is it wrong? Is it missing the big picture? Is this how it works for anybody else? For context, she's 63, I'm 64. Thanks-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,007 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
If you are both happy with it then it doesn't matter what other people think or do.
Yes, there is that! But wondering if this is something anyone else can relate to. In almost any definition of "quickie" this would probably describe the faster version. But for me, sex is so much not that moment. It's what leads up to it, and what trails away from it. If I ask our sex therapist, her reply will be predictable. Consensual sex, no matter what form it takes, is OK. Long-term, there's the issue of managing to get there (for myself) so quickly. It's not like being a teenager when you could use a condom made of steel pipe and still not last more than 30 seconds.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,358 Posts
Our sex life has historically been the pits. Details in other threads but basically she tends to go along to get it over with, except when she cums first via oral. But that's a mixed bag as far as success goes. Initiate? For her, never. But last night we're reading through "Come As You Are" (recommended by our sex therapist for her), which is a pretty dense book for her, so I read it aloud and we talk about it after, what it means. Non-concordant signals and stuff. I get this idea hey, she doesn't enjoy this much, let's turn it into something different. Tell me when you're done with it by initiating. Just take my arm and say "I'm bored, I'm ready."

A few minutes later she tells me ok, I'm bored. So we put the book down, turn off the lights, turn on the music (which has seemed to help) and I'm stroking her for a couple minutes over her panties. Around her panties. Under her panties. A couple minutes of this and, as usual, she doesn't give much of a clue if I'm getting anywhere. So I dive in for oral. And yes, turns out she's ready. She's there and done pretty fast. Not faked, actually done. It's always a crap shoot figuring out how to heighten suspense while not losing the moment. She loses the moment really easy. And at that point she's quite ready for me. The only time she's ready for me (after she's already had an orgasm). For me, the option of playing it out, taking my time, runs the risk of losing her "moment" and her becoming bored. So I'm on it pretty fast, and for me, the time I'm spending on her (oral) is every bit as satisfying as the time spent inside her. I keep my mind on the game, keep the dark thoughts aside, and I'm done pretty soon.

And then I look at the Spotify list afterward. OMG. Three songs. I later added them up. 9 minutes, 28 seconds.

Seriously???!!!

Let me tell you, it was great, it felt wonderful hugging each other afterward, long post-sex "glow" (far longer than the act itself). I wouldn't mind more of this. She's not into long stuff, period.

If this works, is it wrong? Is it missing the big picture? Is this how it works for anybody else? For context, she's 63, I'm 64. Thanks-
Heck, just be glad you can both get off that easy! I reckon by now, you both know what works for you, right? I mean, you can still always try it your own way for your own benefit occasionally. You might want to warn her first some way.

But if she's all happy about it, then great. Just throw in some non-sex cuddle on the couch time because most women like that a lot, and just being attentive about what they're up to in their daily living.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
104 Posts
Our sex life has historically been the pits. Details in other threads but basically she tends to go along to get it over with, except when she cums first via oral. But that's a mixed bag as far as success goes. Initiate? For her, never. But last night we're reading through "Come As You Are" (recommended by our sex therapist for her), which is a pretty dense book for her, so I read it aloud and we talk about it after, what it means. Non-concordant signals and stuff. I get this idea hey, she doesn't enjoy this much, let's turn it into something different. Tell me when you're done with it by initiating. Just take my arm and say "I'm bored, I'm ready."

A few minutes later she tells me ok, I'm bored. So we put the book down, turn off the lights, turn on the music (which has seemed to help) and I'm stroking her for a couple minutes over her panties. Around her panties. Under her panties. A couple minutes of this and, as usual, she doesn't give much of a clue if I'm getting anywhere. So I dive in for oral. And yes, turns out she's ready. She's there and done pretty fast. Not faked, actually done. It's always a crap shoot figuring out how to heighten suspense while not losing the moment. She loses the moment really easy. And at that point she's quite ready for me. The only time she's ready for me (after she's already had an orgasm). For me, the option of playing it out, taking my time, runs the risk of losing her "moment" and her becoming bored. So I'm on it pretty fast, and for me, the time I'm spending on her (oral) is every bit as satisfying as the time spent inside her. I keep my mind on the game, keep the dark thoughts aside, and I'm done pretty soon.

And then I look at the Spotify list afterward. OMG. Three songs. I later added them up. 9 minutes, 28 seconds.

Seriously???!!!

Let me tell you, it was great, it felt wonderful hugging each other afterward, long post-sex "glow" (far longer than the act itself). I wouldn't mind more of this. She's not into long stuff, period.

If this works, is it wrong? Is it missing the big picture? Is this how it works for anybody else? For context, she's 63, I'm 64. Thanks-
I think its cool you all at least go to a sex therapist.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,162 Posts
Yes, there is that! But wondering if this is something anyone else can relate to. In almost any definition of "quickie" this would probably describe the faster version. But for me, sex is so much not that moment. It's what leads up to it, and what trails away from it. If I ask our sex therapist, her reply will be predictable. Consensual sex, no matter what form it takes, is OK. Long-term, there's the issue of managing to get there (for myself) so quickly. It's not like being a teenager when you could use a condom made of steel pipe and still not last more than 30 seconds.
I don't think 10 minutes is too fast for a "quickie". I've had plenty of sex that, start to finish, was like 2 minutes... So that's where my mind goes when I think of a quickie. Add in the before and after stuff like cuddling, and that makes it less of a quickie. To me, a quickie is "let's do this quickly before the kids notice we're gone" or "before the guests get here" and there is no time for the extra stuff.

I can go down on my wife for an hour and there is still a 0.01% chance of getting her off. So she usually doesn't want to bother with that because it won't work anyway. Then sex often turns into just doing it and getting it over with. Either I finish quickly to get it over with or have a hard time and take forever because she's clearly not into it so neither am I.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,197 Posts
Sounds great to me. Even sounds like progress.

Are you worried that that sort of scenario is going to become the only one you are going to get to have? Or that you just traded a potentially longer encounter for a briefer one?

Maybe challenge yourself to focus on the positives, and let go of the worries in your head about it. Those worries may seem like useful analysis, but they could also be a way for some subconscious part of you to sabotage the progress being made.

A wife that’s working with you, has found a way of being that let her be ready for you and invite you in...sounds like you’re livin’ the dream, at least from here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,731 Posts
My wife started doing that (going through the motions as quickly as possible so she could have her orgasm), towards the end of our sex life... to be honest, I hated it. But if it's ok with you, I don't see anything wrong with it. Since we don't have sex anymore, I would go along even with a slightly mechanical "procedure" now... at least I would feel we are a bit close. We have lost that completely and it's sad. So, even if it's quick, I recommend having sex regardless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,079 Posts
There have been times when my wife and I had sex for three hours straight. There have also been times when we had sex for maybe three minutes? I think most people call that a quickie.

Whatever the case, if you are happy and it works for you, what's the problem?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Personal

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,814 Posts
It is good, was good for you two which is the most important.
No reason to even be concerned!

You two are growing and drawing closer. That's the best of all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,105 Posts
If this works, is it wrong? Is it missing the big picture? Is this how it works for anybody else? For context, she's 63, I'm 64. Thanks-
Hell no it's not wrong.

Next time, try to beat your 9 minute and 38 second record so she can get back to what she was doing even quicker. 😁
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
208 Posts
A few minutes later she tells me ok, I'm bored. So we put the book down, turn off the lights, turn on the music (which has seemed to help) and I'm stroking her for a couple minutes over her panties. Around her panties. Under her panties. A couple minutes of this and, as usual, she doesn't give much of a clue if I'm getting anywhere. So I dive in for oral........
[ throws away tissues ] sorry, what was your question?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
208 Posts
Our sex life has historically been the pits. Details in other threads but basically she tends to go along to get it over with, except when she cums first via oral. But that's a mixed bag as far as success goes. Initiate? For her, never. But last night we're reading through "Come As You Are" (recommended by our sex therapist for her), which is a pretty dense book for her, so I read it aloud and we talk about it after, what it means. Non-concordant signals and stuff. I get this idea hey, she doesn't enjoy this much, let's turn it into something different. Tell me when you're done with it by initiating. Just take my arm and say "I'm bored, I'm ready."

A few minutes later she tells me ok, I'm bored. So we put the book down, turn off the lights, turn on the music (which has seemed to help) and I'm stroking her for a couple minutes over her panties. Around her panties. Under her panties. A couple minutes of this and, as usual, she doesn't give much of a clue if I'm getting anywhere. So I dive in for oral. And yes, turns out she's ready. She's there and done pretty fast. Not faked, actually done. It's always a crap shoot figuring out how to heighten suspense while not losing the moment. She loses the moment really easy. And at that point she's quite ready for me. The only time she's ready for me (after she's already had an orgasm). For me, the option of playing it out, taking my time, runs the risk of losing her "moment" and her becoming bored. So I'm on it pretty fast, and for me, the time I'm spending on her (oral) is every bit as satisfying as the time spent inside her. I keep my mind on the game, keep the dark thoughts aside, and I'm done pretty soon.

And then I look at the Spotify list afterward. OMG. Three songs. I later added them up. 9 minutes, 28 seconds.

Seriously???!!!

Let me tell you, it was great, it felt wonderful hugging each other afterward, long post-sex "glow" (far longer than the act itself). I wouldn't mind more of this. She's not into long stuff, period.

If this works, is it wrong? Is it missing the big picture? Is this how it works for anybody else? For context, she's 63, I'm 64. Thanks-
Are you perhaps wondering what sex SHOULD be like? (At 63? I wish I still had your curiosity at 40...).
It is really whatever you both make it out to be.
There isn’t really a FAQ for this sadly (did I spell that correctly?)

I don’t know how to give helpful tips (without being disgusting) but let me just say that there is potential to ‘ween’ her to do or participate in things more, once she gets going...To the point that she may grow to like them so much that she won’t be able to cum without them in future...
It can be like day and night. ‘No way am I doing this’ would be the typical reply at breakfast or whatever. Changing quickly to ‘give me more of that’ once she gets going.

My point is, don’t just ‘stick it in’ if that’s not all you are satisfied with. Pick your moments when you wish to be more creative and then experiment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,814 Posts
Damn. I'm 58. It isn't all downhill after 40.

Dear W and I maintain a pretty steady 4 to 7 times a week, always have made sex and experimentation a priority in our relationship. We like the closeness.

Also, the freedom is having the freedom to try things, even things that make us laugh, and move on. Cause we know we'll be there for the next time, in good spirits.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,731 Posts
Damn. I'm 58. It isn't all downhill after 40.

Dear W and I maintain a pretty steady 4 to 7 times a week, always have made sex and experimentation a priority in our relationship. We like the closeness.

Also, the freedom is having the freedom to try things, even things that make us laugh, and move on. Cause we know we'll be there for the next time, in good spirits.
It really is lovely when you find a very compatible partner. Quite jealous...
 
1 - 20 of 54 Posts
Top