[Indypendence]

Hello,
My marriage has become an absolute mess. We are married only in name only. There is no talking, no communication, no sex. We have been together for almost seventeen years, married 12, have 4 kids.

Our marriage has disenegrated because of my inablity to express honestly that my husbands breath stinks. And it has always stank. I've hinted and bought mouth wash and tongue scrapers, etc. But, he has acted like it's no big deal. It doesn't stink all the time, just most of the time.

It's made me back off and not want to kiss or even have him hug me because it's something I brace myself for. So he feels that I don't love him and am pushing him away. He asks why and I just can't bring myself to tell him cause :your damn breath stank and that mess turns me off". I tried discussing this with him a few years back and he told me it hurt his feelings, well damn, it hurts my feelings too cause not only are you not kissing and snuggling. I ain't either.

Push came to shove this past weekend, had a blow out arguement and he throws it out there that I make him feel like he is a leper or something because, I have moved out of the bedroom and when he touches me to hug me I push him away. I said because your breath smells and it turns my stomach. And he's like, yeah right, that's the reason????

I am not shallow and I love my husband, but this breath thing has messed up intimacy and made us just roommates. I don't know what else to do. I'm so danged hurt.

 

[Acorn]

Be kind but direct, tell you H that your actions may have been extreme but the true cause of your unhappiness and lack of attraction is his breath. Explain that it was a sensitive topic and you had a hard time bringing it up, that you are scared to even mention it, and that you are telling him not to hurt him but to find a way to bring you both closer. Tell him that if he works on his side, you will work on yours - not shying away from his presence, moving back into the bedroom, etc. Make his efforts sound like the solution for something you both want.

Please consider that your inability to be honest with your husband (in a safe, caring way) is causing serious harm to your relationship. Look how badly your are hurt, let alone your husband, by bottling it up and keeping it all inside.

 

[C123]

Counseling. Immediately. Are you really going to let this ruin your marriage? Shame on you.

You've handled this poorly. It needs to get out in the open in a constructive way.

I literally can't believe that your marriage has been brought to the brink because you didn't have the courage to discuss this with him in a constructive and caring way. Instead, you just pulled away from him without giving him the courtesy of telling him why and you've let his imagination run wild.

 

[southern wife]

When I met my husband, his breath was not the best either. Smelled of a dead tooth. I did tell him about this issue. He admitted that he had not been to the dentist in years! He made an appt to get his teeth cleaned - been so long, they had to do deep cleanings for the 1st few times. But since then, he's not missed a single cleaning and has taken care of his teeth.....flossing, etc. His breath is no longer an issue.

I also want to mention that bad breath can be caused by internal issues as well..........plaque build up on the teeth which in turn builds up on arteries and has very harmful results. Please talk nicely to your husband and tell him you are concerned for his health. Tell him you love him, WANT to kiss him, but he must correct this issue.

Bad Breath Causes, Treatments, and Prevention

 

[chillymorn]

listen honey I love you you are a great provider and very hansome but I am really turned off by your breath and its always been an issue for me. I'am truly sorry I haven't had the courage to tell you this because you seemed so super sensitive about it when I would try to hint around about it. I would love nothing more in the world but to be able to kiss you deeply but this is an issue for me not to mention that it could possibly mean some type of health issue is going on . could you please go to the dentist and get your dental health taken care of so we can get back to kissing and having sex. please forgive me for not being honest with you all theses years.

 

[chillymorn]

good luck

 

[Hope1964]

I'm so danged hurt.

How do you think he feels?? He has what is most likely a medical problem and you've shunned him for it.

Ask him if you can make a dentist and/or dr appt for him and solve the problem WITH him.

 

[Toffer]

Counseling. Immediately. Are you really going to let this ruin your marriage? Shame on you.

You've handled this poorly. It needs to get out in the open in a constructive way.

I literally can't believe that your marriage has been brought to the brink because you didn't have the courage to discuss this with him in a constructive and caring way. Instead, you just pulled away from him without giving him the courtesy of telling him why and you've let his imagination run wild.

:iagree: NOW!

 

[Indypendence]

I have handled it poorly.

Years ago I mentioned it in a nice and caring way and he told me I hurt his feelings and that was that, so for years I have just dealt with it. I know other people have to smell it. He coaches soccer and one of the 6 years olds told him point blank in 6 year old bluntness.

 

[Indypendence]

So shame on me for what?

 

[chillymorn]

So shame on me for what?

you know what. for burying you head in the sand and not seeing it through.

 

[C123]

Shame on you for what????

You told us that your marriage is going to end and the lives of your blameless children will be radically changed (likely for the worse) because you don't have the courage to deal with this minor problem like an adult.

You tried once and he got hurt so you quit forever and end your marriage?

This is an embarrassing problem your husband has so you're going to have put a little more effort into this. His natural reaction is going to be defensive but you need to be strong enough to get past that if you are serious about saving your family.

Go to counseling now. The bad breath thing is just the tip of iceberg now. It's not even about that anymore. It's going to take some professional help to get you back on track and for him to understand how much this problem affects the marriage.

 

[Indypendence]

I almost agree with you except for the undertones of this is somehow my fault.

He is a grown man. And if my explaining to you that your breath is worrisome to me and a turn off, if it was me I would definitely want you to tell me and would be upset if you did not. (I don't know my exact wording because this was afterall four years ago.) And your only reaction is "You hurt my feelings" What else was I to do?

Since this last revelation on this past Monday and my swearing that his Breath is the original reason for my backing off. He seems to now be getting it and we actually had a discussion about this.

YES there are deeper issues NOW and this was the catalyst. I'm not even sure I want to move back into the bedroom, this has been going on so long, it's uncomfortable, hugging is foreign. Sad but true. This is definitely not how I envisoned my marriage with me sleeping on the couch.

I feel sad and hopeless, but I refuse to feel shame.

 

[C123]

Perhaps I was too strong in my responses. I don't mean to downplay your feelings of sadness and hopelessness. All I am trying to say (and I admit I do not sugarcoat well) is that you have the power to make this better.

I'm not saying it's all your fault, but certainly you have a large amount of fault here. Remember, all we know is what you post. If there is more in addition to the fact that you told him he had bad breath four years ago and then never mentioned it again, then we don't know what else might be in play here. All we know is that you told him he had bad breath four years ago and since then, you've basically pushed him so far away from you that the poor guy is probably losing his mind with questions only you can answer.

I hope you are able to resolve this in a positive way and I apologize if it felt like I was personally attacking you but frankly, this is your fault unless there is other stuff we don't know about.

 

[southern wife]

And your only reaction is "You hurt my feelings" What else was I to do?

Then you say "honey, I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. I really love you and WANT to kiss you and be close to you. But PLEASE go to the dentist. I'll make you an appointment, if you want me to, or you can. But I'm worried about your health!!!" Your hurt him, but you need to pick him back up and help him!

 

[sinnister]

OP - read around here. People are losing the love of their lives over things that just cannot be reconciled. You are losing your husband over something so so so small.

I also agree that if it has been years it's either dental or medical. There are a number of medical conditions that can cause bad breath. Do you seriously have to sleep in another room? If his breath is really that bad he needs to see a dr...yesterday.