Soul searching and observations
Let's start with the observations.
My wife doesn't seem to like kissing me anymore. I'll get the obligatory peck on the lips before and after work, and before going to sleep, but nothing more intimate than that. I brush twice a day. I floss every night. I know I don't have bad breath, as I've asked people at work. This says to me that I'm not attractive to her anymore.
When I've asked her about her masturbation habits, she denies doing it, even though I can hear her doing it after we turn the lights off to go to sleep. She also will not touch herself down there when we make love. This says to me that she doesn't trust me.
When making love it's basically the starfish position, or legs straight down missionary. Changing positions are completely out of the question. Don't even mention making love anywhere outside the bedroom. She will barely touch me during sex, let alone give any HJ' or BJ's. Her excuse for BJ's is that she has a horrible gag reflex, but I'm not asking for any deep throat performances. Everything about her view on our sexual relationship says to me that she doesn't respect me as a man.
I had my awakening back in February, when I realized what kind of shape our marriage was in. There was a huge lack of intimacy. When I tried to address it she gets extremely defensive and tells me that she doesn't seem to be good enough for me and she's "done".
I've now had a few months to review everything and it basically boils down to the fact that I'm no longer attractive to her anymore. This explains the lack of intimacy (kissing, trust, sex) as well as the lack of respect. I thought the hormones from giving birth to our youngest would have been part of the problem, but she's almost 13 months now, and we had this problem from before she was even conceived.
Also, I'm in excellent shape physically. I'm 6'1" and 205 lb, lean and starting to get muscle definition, so I definitely haven't let myself go.
Hence the other part of the title: soul searching. I've already been reading MMSL since late February. That's helped me to identify myself as overly beta in our relationship. I bought the 2011 Primer back in June, so I've been reading that to help out. I've also been here on TAM since February and came to grips that I'm a classic "Nice Guy" in every sense. The UPS guy just dropped off "No more Mr Nice Guy" and "His Needs, Her Needs" last night. When my wife saw these she asked "Am I that bad?" to which I replied "these books aren't for you, they're for me".
I've taken sex off the table (almost 3 weeks now). It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's the thought that she's doing it out of duty and not that she desires me just turns me off.
My goal is to get myself sorted out. I've been a doormat for too long. It's time to stand up for myself and actually use my voice to let people know when something doesn't fit well with me. I'm sure NMMNG will get me pointed in the right direction there. At the same time I want to start putting the practices in HNHN to work on our marriage. I had bought the book for me, but she could probably benefit from reading it as well.
So my question to the other men of TAM (and ladies, if your man went through this): how many of you have had this "awakening", and how far along it's course are you? Does anyone have any insight to pitfalls to avoid?
I'm also open to any suggestions or criticism. I want my marriage to work, and if I have to change my behaviours, I'm not afraid to do it.
Let's start with the observations.
My wife doesn't seem to like kissing me anymore. I'll get the obligatory peck on the lips before and after work, and before going to sleep, but nothing more intimate than that. I brush twice a day. I floss every night. I know I don't have bad breath, as I've asked people at work. This says to me that I'm not attractive to her anymore.
When I've asked her about her masturbation habits, she denies doing it, even though I can hear her doing it after we turn the lights off to go to sleep. She also will not touch herself down there when we make love. This says to me that she doesn't trust me.
When making love it's basically the starfish position, or legs straight down missionary. Changing positions are completely out of the question. Don't even mention making love anywhere outside the bedroom. She will barely touch me during sex, let alone give any HJ' or BJ's. Her excuse for BJ's is that she has a horrible gag reflex, but I'm not asking for any deep throat performances. Everything about her view on our sexual relationship says to me that she doesn't respect me as a man.
I had my awakening back in February, when I realized what kind of shape our marriage was in. There was a huge lack of intimacy. When I tried to address it she gets extremely defensive and tells me that she doesn't seem to be good enough for me and she's "done".
I've now had a few months to review everything and it basically boils down to the fact that I'm no longer attractive to her anymore. This explains the lack of intimacy (kissing, trust, sex) as well as the lack of respect. I thought the hormones from giving birth to our youngest would have been part of the problem, but she's almost 13 months now, and we had this problem from before she was even conceived.
Also, I'm in excellent shape physically. I'm 6'1" and 205 lb, lean and starting to get muscle definition, so I definitely haven't let myself go.
Hence the other part of the title: soul searching. I've already been reading MMSL since late February. That's helped me to identify myself as overly beta in our relationship. I bought the 2011 Primer back in June, so I've been reading that to help out. I've also been here on TAM since February and came to grips that I'm a classic "Nice Guy" in every sense. The UPS guy just dropped off "No more Mr Nice Guy" and "His Needs, Her Needs" last night. When my wife saw these she asked "Am I that bad?" to which I replied "these books aren't for you, they're for me".
I've taken sex off the table (almost 3 weeks now). It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's the thought that she's doing it out of duty and not that she desires me just turns me off.
My goal is to get myself sorted out. I've been a doormat for too long. It's time to stand up for myself and actually use my voice to let people know when something doesn't fit well with me. I'm sure NMMNG will get me pointed in the right direction there. At the same time I want to start putting the practices in HNHN to work on our marriage. I had bought the book for me, but she could probably benefit from reading it as well.
So my question to the other men of TAM (and ladies, if your man went through this): how many of you have had this "awakening", and how far along it's course are you? Does anyone have any insight to pitfalls to avoid?
I'm also open to any suggestions or criticism. I want my marriage to work, and if I have to change my behaviours, I'm not afraid to do it.