Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I just joined this site to vent. Perhaps to find some answers. Or support. Or… I don’t know. Maybe to be told I’m a jerk.

I was pretty closed off the first 3 years of our marriage.

Like a lot of couples we started off by having sex a few times a week, which diminished over the years. During the worst period we were having sex about once a month. Sometime around the third year she had enough of my emotional distance. This lead to a big fight while out of town. Then, in a fluke, she disciplined me during some light kink play. This really opened me up. I went from sitting on the couch and watching TV as she went to bed, to writing love notes and doting on her like a puppy.

I really try and think of my wife often. I cook breakfast every morning . I leave loves notes for her every day. I split the chores around the house. I try and call her at work, (because she wines if I don’t), but then she just complains or snaps at me. Doing for has led me to want her more and more. Yet I hit a wall and it hurts. Inside I feel real pain when dealing with her.

For the next three years she participated in the light discipline, but our sex life stayed pretty stagnant. At some point I noticed that I was hitting a wall with her. She had been raped in her early teens and she was emotionally and sexually closed off. Opening my emotions up to someone who is emotionally closed off has led me into some pretty dark depression. I feel the best thing for me to do is to close back off.

I love my wife. I appreciate her as a mother. She is a hard worker. She has worked on her sexual issues a bit. We have sex a few times a month. But she is still VERY uncomfortable in the bedroom. It’s all me in that area. She doesn’t do blow jobs. She isn’t aggressive. She can’t initiate. She refuses to try anal sex. She has never masturbated and never will. She gets mad went I mention doing stuff or makes a half ass effort.

I asked that she do anal stuff to me, (Like Bend Over Boyfriend) but that has been the battle from hell. I can be a bit of a pervert in bed. However, I’ve never asked for the perve stuff every time. I just want to be able to do some of the perve stuff every few months. (To be clear, I would never demand performing anal sex on her.) Some of the perve stuff falls in line with femdom stuff. Femdom has never been a primary drive in terms of sexuality, but as I started hitting one wall after another I began to focus more on this type of bedroom play.

Six years into the marriage and she spends more time focused on those damn ipad games then she does on me. I could write a hundred, “I love you,” notes and never receive one in turn.

Is it wrong of me to want my own room? I just want a place I can feel comfortable at night. Beyond the sex stuff, she is very demanding of my time. I’ve reached the point where, I don’t think it’s fair for her to demand so much of my time and energy yet draw a hard line in the bedroom.

It sucks. If this woman wasn’t my spouse she be a pretty great person. That’s the freaking irony. She is so much better then me in so many areas of life. Yet, emotionally and sexually, she is a dud.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
The thing that pops out at me is the way this reads is sex went from light kink to you wanting her to do anal stuff to you and the sex dried up. I gotta tell you, if my husband ever asked me to do anything to his a-hole, there'd be no sex. Ever again. Never.

Your wife doesn't' sound sexually closed off/repressed to me if she's willing to engage in light kink, she just doesn't want to play with your a-hole. I suggest you file that one away as a kink never realised.

I have my kinks too, so to each their own, but maybe your wife isn't into it and is grossed out and doesn't want sex because of the fear you'll bring it up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I threw out a lot of history into a condensed email. It’s like trying to fit a 3 part novel into in a synopsis.

She likes me to perform anal stimulation on her. Quite a bit actually, minus deep penetration. She does not like to provide any anal stimulation in return. For that matter, anywhere in return, except some discipline stuff where I’m on the receiving end. I guess I am running out of body parts to ask her to stimulate.

Usually, in the bedroom, one partner is the aggressor. The “aggressor” role might swap mid-play. The “aggressor” role might not even be that overt. It might be subtle in initiation or direction. In our case, she wants to be the “aggressor” but is unwilling or incapable. When I mean unwilling, I mean she feels so uncomfortable that she has never asked for sex, yet she does desire it. On the other hand, if she never received sex again she would okay with that too.

She is a lovely woman. But we went from a sexless marriage to a little more sex. But sex without passion is called a hand.

I could deal with less sex and less passion. But then I get a huge guilt trip from her because I don’t feel the desire to dote over her and do for her and such. She wants me to be passionate out of the bedroom, but she doesn't want to, or can't, reciprocate in the bedroom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
I threw out a lot of history into a condensed email. It’s like trying to fit a 3 part novel into in a synopsis.

She likes me to perform anal stimulation on her. Quite a bit actually, minus deep penetration. She does not like to provide any anal stimulation in return. For that matter, anywhere in return, except some discipline stuff where I’m on the receiving end. I guess I am running out of body parts to ask her to stimulate.

Usually, in the bedroom, one partner is the aggressor. The “aggressor” role might swap mid-play. The “aggressor” role might not even be that overt. It might be subtle in initiation or direction. In our case, she wants to be the “aggressor” but is unwilling or incapable. When I mean unwilling, I mean she feels so uncomfortable that she has never asked for sex, yet she does desire it. On the other hand, if she never received sex again she would okay with that too.

She is a lovely woman. But we went from a sexless marriage to a little more sex. But sex without passion is called a hand.

I could deal with less sex and less passion. But then I get a huge guilt trip from her because I don’t feel the desire to dote over her and do for her and such. She wants me to be passionate out of the bedroom, but she doesn't want to, or can't, reciprocate in the bedroom.
Maybe she isn't a switch and that's why she doesn't reciprocate in the way you'd like? Some of us would see performing anal acts as dominant and will not go there; it's a limit. Maybe as the Femdom it's her limit. She is allowed to have therm, too.

Also, maybe she sees you writing notes to her out of the bedroom as act of service to her.

FWIW, I don't think she's incapable of being a Femdom at all. She may be trying, but you trot out demands and it stops her "femdom" headspace cold. If this were a kink site, I'd say you were topping from the bottom.

Perhaps you guys should sit down and have a heart-to-heart about kink and expectations etc if you haven't already.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
...During the worst period we were having sex about once a month. Sometime around the third year she had enough of my emotional distance. This lead to a big fight while out of town. Then, in a fluke, she disciplined me during some light kink play. This really opened me up. I went from sitting on the couch and watching TV as she went to bed, to writing love notes and doting on her like a puppy.

I really try and think of my wife often. I cook breakfast every morning . I leave loves notes for her every day. I split the chores around the house. I try and call her at work, (because she wines if I don’t), but then she just complains or snaps at me. Doing for has led me to want her more and more. Yet I hit a wall and it hurts. Inside I feel real pain when dealing with her.

For the next three years she participated in the light discipline, but our sex life stayed pretty stagnant. At some point I noticed that I was hitting a wall with her. She had been raped in her early teens and she was emotionally and sexually closed off. Opening my emotions up to someone who is emotionally closed off has led me into some pretty dark depression. I feel the best thing for me to do is to close back off.

I love my wife. I appreciate her as a mother. She is a hard worker. She has worked on her sexual issues a bit. We have sex a few times a month. But she is still VERY uncomfortable in the bedroom. It’s all me in that area. She doesn’t do blow jobs. She isn’t aggressive. She can’t initiate. She refuses to try anal sex. She has never masturbated and never will. She gets mad went I mention doing stuff or makes a half ass effort.

I asked that she do anal stuff to me, (Like Bend Over Boyfriend) but that has been the battle from hell. I can be a bit of a pervert in bed. However, I’ve never asked for the perve stuff every time. I just want to be able to do some of the perve stuff every few months. (To be clear, I would never demand performing anal sex on her.) Some of the perve stuff falls in line with femdom stuff. Femdom has never been a primary drive in terms of sexuality, but as I started hitting one wall after another I began to focus more on this type of bedroom play.

Six years into the marriage and she spends more time focused on those damn ipad games then she does on me. I could write a hundred, “I love you,” notes and never receive one in turn.

Is it wrong of me to want my own room? I just want a place I can feel comfortable at night. Beyond the sex stuff, she is very demanding of my time. I’ve reached the point where, I don’t think it’s fair for her to demand so much of my time and energy yet draw a hard line in the bedroom.

It sucks. If this woman wasn’t my spouse she be a pretty great person. That’s the freaking irony. She is so much better then me in so many areas of life. Yet, emotionally and sexually, she is a dud.
... I guess I am running out of body parts to ask her to stimulate.

Usually, in the bedroom, one partner is the aggressor. ....When I mean unwilling, I mean she feels so uncomfortable that she has never asked for sex, yet she does desire it. On the other hand, if she never received sex again she would okay with that too.

She is a lovely woman. But we went from a sexless marriage to a little more sex. But sex without passion is called a hand.

I could deal with less sex and less passion. But then I get a huge guilt trip from her because I don’t feel the desire to dote over her and do for her and such. She wants me to be passionate out of the bedroom, but she doesn't want to, or can't, reciprocate in the bedroom.

Nice rant.

Now a little friendly advice. Read (and then reread, and then reread) the book by Glover No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about men who create covert contracts in their mind to get women to do what the men want, but they don't succeed and get frustrated and angry. Glover explains who women want "integrated men" who are happy with themselves, who are interesting, who take responsibility for their own lives and who aren't constantly playing childish mind games to get their way with the woman of their attention.

Now as to there is always an "aggressor." Well now not if you do it right. There are two people who love each other and want to please each other and build on their relationship by doing things that will emotionally bond each to the other.

If you are only looking for body part stimulation, I can see why she has lost interest. You need to be looking at building an emotional relationship and a physical relationship with the mother of your children that will last for the rest of your life.

This is a woman who was raped at a young age and has probably stretched herself into incredible lengths to love you and do some of the kinky stuff you have asked. Have you ever asked her if she feels that no matter what she does, it will never be enough, because you will always want more or something even kinkier?

Seriously, she has tried. Now you need to work on making yourself a better more integrated man. You need to stop looking at your wife as the source of all your happiness and as a form of phycial/sexual diversion. You have children and a wife. Get your wife and yourself to a really good sex therapist so you can get some professional help. Read Glover's book and do some real introspection, then start fixing yourself. Then ask her to go to a sex therapist with you, not because she is broken, but because you are broken and need help and you need her help and support.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I hear what you are saying and appreciate the response. It’s nice to be able to talk about it.

I didn’t intend for this to head down the kink rabbit hole. I was mentioning the discipline stuff to be fair to her. I don’t want to do a one-sided rant. I guess it has become a difficult marriage because we are both a bit co-dependent. We can both be demanding. She is demanding of my time and I am demanding in the bedroom. It’s hard to pursue my own interest and hobbies due to the demands. So I’m left with the one area, sex, that I will keep fighting for.

I guess the best way to explain my wife is say that every guy she dated ended up cheating on her. (I am not a cheater.) But, I am less judgmental of those that do. I imagine that most felt empty and lonely like I do. Like most men, I feel most connected to someone via sex. (Most women feel connected via emotional needs.)

As for the kink terminology. I agree that I am topping from the bottom. But there would be no topping or bottoming without me doing so. There would be no anything without me plowing through the rejections and consistently asking—this was true prior to any introduction of kink stuff.

She admits that she is an OCD perfectionist. Areas of her life where she is not perfect from the onset make her very uncomfortable. She is beyond mensa, intelligent wise, so most things are easy to master on the first try. I can top or bottom. And I could toss most of that stuff aside. But then I need reciprocation of oral. I need passion and real enjoyment.

Or maybe I'm just a jackass. Life is never black and white. It's never simple. It's never easy to figure out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,586 Posts
You are a sub nod you desire a dominant. Your wife is not a dominant. She needs control due to her trauma, but that doesn't make her dominant. You want to fawn all over her and have her take the lead in the bedroom, just like a sub.

It isn't going to happen with your wife.

I hope you find a way to make peace with this. I think if it wasn't for this kink, you two might be a very loving couple who could through her trauma to a place of healing, but the power exchange triggers her. I just don't see her happily topping you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: badsanta

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I’ll read it. Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy.

As for always wanting kinkier…

No, I have my limits. My interest in femdom doesn’t run deep. The spanking was initially her kink. She really enjoys it. So I had a few that ran along the femdom lines. And I can get carried away with anything that peaks my interest. The kinks started to grow as I attempted to deal with the hard side of her. Her coldness is covered in layers, almost to the point that she doesn’t see it. In the end, for me, it’s role play.

I still think, even with folks emotionally connected, someone is directed each sexual encounter. Maybe “aggressor” is to strong a word? Director perhaps. Every action requires someone to lead. Though, the leadership role can swap midstream, then swap back. Two surgeons performing an operation will adjust in their leadership role if one has an area where they are more adept. Even a simple conversation requires one to lead the discussion then pass that role along and allow the person a moment to lead or direct back.

In truth, I would be happy to have some space to pursue my own hobbies and interest. I get a lot of flak when I do that. I’m home every day by 4:30. If I have to work late one or two days out of the year I get complaints.

I probably do have an integration issue. I can let myself get stretched pretty thin. I’ve been reading some other self help material like Ziglar. Work has improved via his advise. I am working on my relationships with my kids. Guess there is no easy answer with my spouse, so I’m ranting here, looking for some direction. I spent the morning saying, “I love ***** (my spouse’s name)” out loud on the way to work. (A Ziglar thing.) Sad tears ran down my cheeks. And I don’t cry.

I agree with parts of ALL of the responses. Sincerely, I appreciate them. But I’m not a psych novice. I’m not “the shallow big.” I spent years in Alanon after living with a drug addict. Maybe I need to go back to alanon. I’ve thought about it.

I’ll give one quick example of who I am: At a practice, a recently divorced mother asked about getting our kids together. My wife does not know this woman. The mother, regularly, makes an effort to come talk to me at practices. She is flirtatious. When she mentioned the kids getting together it is suggested that we exchange numbers. But I would never do that. I mention that next time my wife is at practice they can exchange numbers.

Later I mention getting the boys together to my wife. Even still later, the whole things gets thrown in my face as, “Why don’t you go screw your girlfriend at practice.” I was genuinely excited about my son having a spend-the-night. That was it.

Anyway, I feel better when I write so I’ll man up and be kind and affectionate before I go to bed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Anon Pink

Thanks. That one made a lot of sense. I think I can deal with it, but I need space to do so. I've only had 3 sexual partners in my life, and I managed okay. There really isn't a lot to my deepest kink. That is the kicker to the whole thing. It's a ten minute deal I've done to myself since I was in middle-school. I guess my biggest hang-up came in that she gave-up or didn't try, except in the one area that she liked. That has been a really hard thing for me to get over, because I find myself trying in so many areas for her. If she knew how bad that hurt she would be devastated. But that's life.

You pointing out why she enjoys the spanking thing helps me see her in a different light. It did not make sense why she could enjoy that not enjoy other stuff. It frustrated the heck out of me. Oh well. Off to bed.

Thank you to EVERYONE who took the time to read and respond. That really helped. Sometimes people just need to be heard!

God bless
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Thanks again for the responses. I went and hugged by spouse and held her before bed. Sometimes folks need to vent and rant and get some feedback. We both have issues, but I'll keep working on myself. My life is really good. Things with my spouse could be a lot worse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,868 Posts
Hey Wintertime901,

The one thing women need is to feel protected, which would be the stereo type of the alpha male that lays down the law and is respected by everyone in the house. Your wife on the other hand may not want an aggressive male, but one she feels a little safer being dominant over in that she can control you and not be ravaged by an alpha husband that demands sex. But at the end of the day this likely leaves her feeling unprotected.

While you should not demand things in the bedroom to fix your problem, you may actually want to start being more dominant outside of the bedroom. Tell her that you NEED a hug/kiss/I-love-you from her each morning even if she has to force herself to do it! Be very aggressive about that, and even if she puts up a fight, it may very well just be her testing your boundaries. If you do not back down, this is a simple thing that demonstrates that you are willing to fight for what is right in the relationship and in turn it will make her feel more protected. Also if she tries to complain that you were being cruel or aggressive with her to her friends and they ask what you were trying to do, and she says you just wanted to force her to give you a "hug" and a "I love you," odds are her friends will actually take up for your side of the cause.

As for the bedroom, back way off asking for things until she starts willingly acknowledging you more often with a hug and an "I love you" that is actually legitimate and not forced. Odds are things will just naturally improve in the bedroom if you can make this change outside of the bedroom.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
I’ll read it. Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy.

.....Maybe “aggressor” is to strong a word? Director perhaps. Every action requires someone to lead.

....In truth, I would be happy to have some space to pursue my own hobbies and interest. I get a lot of flak when I do that. I’m home every day by 4:30. If I have to work late one or two days out of the year I get complaints.

I probably do have an integration issue. I can let myself get stretched pretty thin. I’ve been reading some other self help material like Ziglar.

.... I spent the morning saying, “I love ***** (my spouse’s name)” out loud on the way to work. (A Ziglar thing.) Sad tears ran down my cheeks. And I don’t cry.

...I spent years in Alanon after living with a drug addict. Maybe I need to go back to alanon. I’ve thought about it.

...Later I mention getting the boys together to my wife. Even still later, the whole things gets thrown in my face as, “Why don’t you go screw your girlfriend at practice.” I was genuinely excited about my son having a spend-the-night. That was it.

Anyway, I feel better when I write so I’ll man up and be kind and affectionate before I go to bed.
First I would like to compliment you on your willingness to do introspection. Glover's Book is very good, or it was for me. It really helped me become a much more interesting man that my wife could look up to, admire and want to actively be part of my life for all the right reasons. It also allowed me to become less needy and dependent on my wife for my happiness.

Words of affirmation and visualization are incredibly powerful methods of self change. Congratulations on doing such while driving to work.

It is clear from your example that your wife has some real trust and fear issues going on. One of the things that helped my wife and me was attending a Gottman weekend retreat (along with about 100 other couples and dozens of therapist coaches). What happened was we first learned about what we had in common, what we shared in terms of wanting from our marriage, what strengthens we saw in each other. Then we worked on identifying gridlock issues and how to approach them in a constructive manner. You might look into seeing if either one of their courses is taught locally or if you might try one of the video's.

Good luck to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
First I would like to compliment you on your willingness to do introspection. Glover's Book is very good, or it was for me. It really helped me become a much more interesting man that my wife could look up to, admire and want to actively be part of my life for all the right reasons. It also allowed me to become less needy and dependent on my wife for my happiness.

Words of affirmation and visualization are incredibly powerful methods of self change. Congratulations on doing such while driving to work.

It is clear from your example that your wife has some real trust and fear issues going on. One of the things that helped my wife and me was attending a Gottman weekend retreat (along with about 100 other couples and dozens of therapist coaches). What happened was we first learned about what we had in common, what we shared in terms of wanting from our marriage, what strengthens we saw in each other. Then we worked on identifying gridlock issues and how to approach them in a constructive manner. You might look into seeing if either one of their courses is taught locally or if you might try one of the video's.

Good luck to you.
Added the retreat into an idea box.

I'm enjoying the book. It will be tough. The man she married six years ago was more akin to the sort of guy who has at least some integration. I was going to alanon and would hang out with a bunch of guys.

Slowly I let a lot of that go due to complaints and such. I plan on reading and listening through your recommended book and Ziglar's "Stay Motivated" numerous time. And I joined an online, No More Mr. Nice Guy, support group.

It's scary as I near my the end of my first read of the man book. It seems my relationship will either get better or do the latter. But that's life. What I'm doing now is NOT working. I have lost myself trying to anticipate her needs, setting up fictitious contracts. At the same time, I've attempted to escape into my sexual issues. I relate to so many aspects of the "man book" that I had to put it down due to anxiety. Ain't that crazy.

Weird though, as I type this, she actually seems a lot happier tonight than usually. I'm letting her be. Not chasing my tail by looking for stuff to do for her.

Anyway. Thanks for the direction. I even noticed today at work how sick I can be when it comes to seeking validation and approval.

I think the key right now, as I make adjustments, is to give solid affirmation and hugs while meetings my own needs and while setting up some boundaries.

Ain't life grand...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
Added the retreat into an idea box.

I'm enjoying the book. It will be tough. The man she married six years ago was more akin to the sort of guy who has at least some integration. I was going to alanon and would hang out with a bunch of guys.

Slowly I let a lot of that go due to complaints and such. I plan on reading and listening through your recommended book and Ziglar's "Stay Motivated" numerous time. And I joined an online, No More Mr. Nice Guy, support group.

It's scary as I near my the end of my first read of the man book. It seems my relationship will either get better or do the latter. But that's life. What I'm doing now is NOT working. I have lost myself trying to anticipate her needs, setting up fictitious contracts. At the same time, I've attempted to escape into my sexual issues. I relate to so many aspects of the "man book" that I had to put it down due to anxiety. Ain't that crazy.

Weird though, as I type this, she actually seems a lot happier tonight than usually. I'm letting her be. Not chasing my tail by looking for stuff to do for her.

Anyway. Thanks for the direction. I even noticed today at work how sick I can be when it comes to seeking validation and approval.

I think the key right now, as I make adjustments, is to give solid affirmation and hugs while meetings my own needs and while setting up some boundaries.

Ain't life grand...
You are a quick study and dedicated.

A couple of additional pieces of advice from a former Nice Guy. First be real careful about the Glover computer website forums. There is a lot of advice from people who don't fully understand that the goal of no longer being a Nice Guy is to become a centered, integrated man who is basically happy with himself and life. It has nothing to do with being a jerk or being a demanding husband. It does involve setting boundaries, but they are boundaries that are well thought out and designed to give you a good life and strong family.

Also as you gain real understanding of what Glover is saying, you will understand that covert contracts are basically all over the place and something that are a really hard habit to break. You really need to do some introspection and question why you are doing something for your wife and if you have any expectations in your mind as to what you hope she will do for you. This is how I learned about unconditional love. If you have a dog, they can teach you a lot about what real unconditional love really means. It is about doing something for someone, because it is something you want to do, that feels good, that they will enjoy and for which you expect nothing.

For my GAL, I took up mountain climbing, running half marathons, and backpacking. My wife did/does none of these. So I lost weight did fun things on a regular basis with friends or my kids, but not my wife. After I lost a lot of weight I started dressing better and taking more pride in who I was and what I looked like. As you point out you will transform both your personal and work life.

Again, remember that healing a marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. Change takes time and you can not change your spouse. You can change yourself and show them through example that huge changes are possible, but should shouldn't try to force them to do anything they don't want to do. You can do a 180 so they can't do the same sort of s#it and they have to try a different way of interacting with you, but that is their changing themself.

Good luck. Again, you are a quick study and will probably get what you need from life, either with your wife or someone else.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,279 Posts
I'll throw out a different perspective. Have you considered that your initial three years of being closed off emotionally built up a wall for her? Survivors of sexual abuse, of which I am one, often set a dynamic very early on in the relationship which can be difficult to bread. You get thrown into the can trust or can't trust bucket and you're in the can't trust emotionally bucket.

You've never been a source of trust and safety for her, which survivors really need to open up.

I don't know what to offer to open this up, I think youngatheart has good advice.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
You are a quick study and dedicated.

A couple of additional pieces of advice from a former Nice Guy. First be real careful about the Glover computer website forums. There is a lot of advice from people who don't fully understand that the goal of no longer being a Nice Guy is to become a centered, integrated man who is basically happy with himself and life. It has nothing to do with being a jerk or being a demanding husband. It does involve setting boundaries, but they are boundaries that are well thought out and designed to give you a good life and strong family.

Also as you gain real understanding of what Glover is saying, you will understand that covert contracts are basically all over the place and something that are a really hard habit to break. You really need to do some introspection and question why you are doing something for your wife and if you have any expectations in your mind as to what you hope she will do for you. This is how I learned about unconditional love. If you have a dog, they can teach you a lot about what real unconditional love really means. It is about doing something for someone, because it is something you want to do, that feels good, that they will enjoy and for which you expect nothing.

For my GAL, I took up mountain climbing, running half marathons, and backpacking. My wife did/does none of these. So I lost weight did fun things on a regular basis with friends or my kids, but not my wife. After I lost a lot of weight I started dressing better and taking more pride in who I was and what I looked like. As you point out you will transform both your personal and work life.

Again, remember that healing a marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. Change takes time and you can not change your spouse. You can change yourself and show them through example that huge changes are possible, but should shouldn't try to force them to do anything they don't want to do. You can do a 180 so they can't do the same sort of s#it and they have to try a different way of interacting with you, but that is their changing themself.

Good luck. Again, you are a quick study and will probably get what you need from life, either with your wife or someone else.
Thanks. The books speaks to me. I feel like this psychiatrist knows me better than I know myself. I plan on doing the work and focusing on the steps. It’s going to take me a while to figure out what my needs actually are, hah. And then do them without feeling guilty: that’ll be a daily--or moment by moment--challenge.

It seems like my main motive for doing most things has always been acceptance and affirmation. To break that pattern I have to really accept myself. I have to really be comfortable with all of my aspects and not lie and hide and deflect and cover and distract others from the real me. (Another moment by moment challenge!) While doing all this I have to set healthy boundaries and reclaim some enjoyment in life. The only way to do all of this longterm is to go through the steps.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. Whoever you are, thanks.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,880 Posts
Be patient with yourself. It took you years to do; it will take while to undo as well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: wintertime901

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
...I plan on doing the work and focusing on the steps. It’s going to take me a while to figure out what my needs actually are, hah. And then do them without feeling guilty: that’ll be a daily--or moment by moment--challenge.

It seems like my main motive for doing most things has always been acceptance and affirmation. To break that pattern I have to really accept myself. I have to really be comfortable with all of my aspects and not lie and hide and deflect and cover and distract others from the real me. (Another moment by moment challenge!) While doing all this I have to set healthy boundaries and reclaim some enjoyment in life. The only way to do all of this longterm is to go through the steps.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. Whoever you are, thanks.
I am a 66 year old man who has been in your shoes or at least similar shoes and is passing along advice and lessons, others provided to me. Over the years I have learned that people make mistakes and that with time and effort anyone can change most things.

You are an incredible quick study. Your posts indicate you have a degree of introspection and self examination not typically found in people. You are taking ownership, when you could be blaming.

If you focus and keep at it, you will change and you will find happiness. Also don't ever be afraid to reach out for help, that can be friends, ministers, or professional counselors or sex therapists.

Good luck. Let us know from time to time how you are doing. Posting was very cathartic for me in my Sex Starved Marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
I am a 66 year old man who has been in your shoes or at least similar shoes and is passing along advice and lessons, others provided to me. Over the years I have learned that people make mistakes and that with time and effort anyone can change most things.

You are an incredible quick study. Your posts indicate you have a degree of introspection and self examination not typically found in people. You are taking ownership, when you could be blaming.

If you focus and keep at it, you will change and you will find happiness. Also don't ever be afraid to reach out for help, that can be friends, ministers, or professional counselors or sex therapists.

Good luck. Let us know from time to time how you are doing. Posting was very cathartic for me in my Sex Starved Marriage.

The easy part for me in grasping the book’s intent comes from years of going to Al Anon. My previous wife was / is an addict. Al Anon is a program for family members dealing with addicts and all of the members are codependent. The “nice guy” is a codependent guy. They always said that even if you are not still living with an addict you might still need to come to meetings, but I didn’t listen. Beside, even as ensconced as I was, I felt like I was going there for my x.

The book’s great because it is written for men about their dependency issues.

I started listening to the book for the second time, on and off, while at work, and I was even more amazed at how many traits and behaviors I have. The book is like water for a man who’s been trapped in the desert for too long. I know there will be bumps or mountains along the way but my spouse is more content this week, too. I’ll tell her about it over the weekend. I’m 40 and I found a 60-something-year-old friend / mentor who was interested enough to read the book. So, I have one of my 3 sources to communicate with. He’s been married for 40 years and doesn’t have my issues. Also, I’ll track you down on here as I move through the steps.

I went to a therapist a while back, but, of course, the therapist I related to the most was a woman. Hah!

Anyway…
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,039 Posts
...The book’s great because it is written for men about their dependency issues.

...I started listening to the book for the second time, .... and I was even more amazed at how many traits and behaviors I have.

...I’ll tell her about it over the weekend. I’m 40 and I found a 60-something-year-old friend / mentor who was interested enough to read the book. So, I have one of my 3 sources to communicate with. He’s been married for 40 years and doesn’t have my issues. Also, I’ll track you down on here as I move through the steps.

I went to a therapist a while back, but, of course, the therapist I related to the most was a woman. Hah!

Anyway…
Good understanding of co-dependence. Thanks for sharing that.

It took several times rereading NMMNG to really put the pieces together for me.

Go careful with sharing the book with your W, as the title, is a little like throwing raw meat into a shark tank. When my wife saw it she said, "so what you want to become a jerk?" You are right about co-dependence and validation as being key aspects.

For me, it was more about taking responsibility for my happiness and becoming a man I was proud to be. I was co-dependent upon my wife and looked to her to supply my happiness and feelings of self worth. No more is that the case.

The sex therapist who helped my wife and me the most was a woman. She had a national reputation and we were lucky she was interested in us. She was amazing. She figured out my wife (who has a PHD) cut through the verbal crap my wife tossed up and laid things out in a way that clearly said that my wife had choices and that each choice had obvious consequences and that my wife had to understand that when she made choices, she needed to accept the consequences as her doing and not try to blame others (namely me).

Ultimately the sex therapist asked my wife what she thought would happen if my wife never had sex with me again. My wife after much trying to change the subject, said we would probably divorce. The sex therapist said that yes that would be her expectation based on all the studies she had read and people she had worked with.

The sex therapist asked me if I had ever thought of divorce. I said yes and that I had set a deadline of my next major birthday; that I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman and if it meant divorce, I was fine with that, but until then, I wanted to try to save this marriage and would do just about anything to save it.

The therapist said that was a very fair and reasonable approach.

The sex therapist then told my wife that she needed to decide if she wanted to be divorced or not. If she didn't want to be divorce, she would need to figure out for us to have sex and build the loving sexual relationship I was looking for. The choice and consequences were up to my wife. The sex therapist also told my wife that if she wanted to remain married, that she could help us with exercises and things that would build a loving sexual relationship.

Months later, my wife asked me if I would have really divorced her just because we didn't have sex. I looked at her and said yes. She had believed me in the therapy session, but just needed to check to make sure.

Again, you are involved in a marathon activity that will take a lot of time to accomplish. Don't burn yourself out. Pace yourself. Celebrate accomplishing each mile and cresting each hill. There will be backsliding and times of anger and self doubt, but if you "fix yourself" and become a better more integrated and fascinating person you will find happiness, either with your wife or the next woman in your life. Ultimately, it will be your wife's choice, but she choose you once before.

Good luck.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top