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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’ve read a good selection of the contributions on this forum, and the best I’ve got from them is a feeling of relief that I’m not alone in suffering the misery of sexual incompatibility in marriage. Beyond that, I don’t think I’ve got anything positive to offer on the matter, so if you’re looking for a solution to the problem, don’t read any more of this post.

I’m a sixty eight year old male and I’ve been married for 40 years. You might think I could pass on the wisdom of age. Sorry. This is all I’ve ended up with. My wife and I were kids and young adults throughout the 60’s. Several things might spring to mind on hearing this. Amongst those things, might be that the 60s generation were promised ‘the sexual revolution’! At last, women were to be released from fear of unwanted pregnancy by the birth control pill. Now, their true nature could be revealed. They could enjoy sex, just like men. Forget the strictures of our mothers. Between the past and the present a gap had opened up – the generation gap. The old rules no longer applied. Let joy, peace and freedom rule, and when we’d danced to the Beatles and smoked a joint, we could tumble into bed with each other and Masters and Johnson would guide our fingers to the clitoris! My wife and I did just that and, under the influence of that euphoria, we got married! A white, church wedding, no less, under the watchful eyes of the old generation with all their rules about marital fidelity and family stability! So, the old rules still applied then, despite the 60s free love hype? Yes, and not only that, but a far older set of rules, that influence our social and sexual behaviour – the laws of bio-chemistry.

Neuroscientists have recently been able to scan brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imagery. They have found that the brains of young lovers release large quantities of dopamine, norepinephrine and phenyllethylamine (PEA). These stimulate areas of the brain also affected by amphetamines and cocaine. So when I went into that church in my wedding suit, going back on my principles, I was literally high on the ‘drug of love’. Such a pity the same clever science hadn’t gone into the Pill. The honeymoon wasn’t over before my ‘free love, 60s chick’ was pushing my hands away with complaints of headaches, sore breasts and dry vagina. No wonder the thing stopped unwanted pregnancies! The guys at the gym and in the pub laughed knowingly at this familiar story. Strange! The week before the wedding they were telling me how newlyweds are at it like bunnies for the first few months. There’s mates for you! I’d been duped. The free love hippy had become trapped.
Stressed out at work and sexually frustrated, I made another bad mistake. I got angry! I notice there’s lots of advice out there about taking a firm stance, setting limits, laying down the law, becoming the alpha-male (is that what that phrase means?) My advice is, don’t do it, guys. Even now, my wife can reduce me to tears of shame and self-loathing at some of the things I said and did, then. She remembers them all.

She came off the Pill and we enjoyed a few brief months of love-making, until she became pregnant. We then entered another stage of marital development. She became the all-knowing mother-figure; I became the insignificant, ignorant male. Thus began a long, long ‘war of attrition’, which I survived from day to day on a combination of vodka and masturbation, until we get to the menopause.

Some women, we are told, enter a new lease of life in which, relieved of the stress of dividing their lives between the demands of child-rearing and becoming an equal earner, they can rediscover themselves and their husbands, and that this can sometimes include a slower, more gentle, sex life. My wife does not fit into this category. She has become more caring in an organisational sort of way. (She nursed me through cancer caused, she says, by my heavy drinking.) But now her breasts are empty and lifeless and her vagina has dried up painfully. HRT did not work with her any better than the Pill.

So, let’s just think about all this outside the box for a bit. Who is it who persuades us that we have a right to blissful and fulfilling recreational sex? The plethora of books and articles following the Pill promising a ‘revolution’? The psychoanalysts who said, get rid of that crippling guilt laid on you by authoritarian, child-rearing practices and you can all pleasure your genitals, even Mrs Mary Whitehouse? The ‘romantic film’ industry showing the most sexually attractive men of the time, nibbling their way up the bodies of Renee Zellwegger and Angelina Jolie? (Netflix has a thousand titles in this category.) The porn merchants with their overacting ‘cougars’ and ‘****s’ whose desire, we are led to believe, is to have their faces covered in semen? The researchers, like Nancy Friday, who ‘give a voice to women’s hidden desires’ and reveal that many of them really do want to be raped and have their faces covered in semen? The advertising industry? (I was really turned on by that one with Sophie Dahl fondling one of her own breasts and I expect a million dysfunctional teenagers were, too.) If all that frantic over-stimulation is just so-much money-spinning hype, where does that leave us? Is it that Darwin and the evolutionists have more in common with the Bible-thumpers of old-time religion than we thought. Sex is for procreation, they both say. Move away from that, and you will need to take a Master’s degree in Sex with units on social history, sociology, anatomy, bio-chemistry, endocrinology, psychology and so on, to understand why the whole business, so natural and pleasurable, is so ******* problematic!
 

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i get a kick out of the E.D. ads. so your willy wont get up so you take a pill and your wife will be ready to go when you are.

im always ready without the pill, my wife never is. dichotomy
 

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What I've learned from this forum,


To be more alpha male and all that means, is to make more of all the decisions, lead, don't control her but be the captain and don't take her crap. Treat her the same way she treats you. No double standards. Marriage is 50/50, equals in all respects. This has helped me somewhat in general and our sex life but still no drastic changes.


The way sex should be in marriages:

- wife in the mood, husband always says yes and makes the time
- husband in the mood, wife always says yes and makes the time
- if both in the mood, great
- if both not in the mood, fine.


But what should never be happening, if he or she says I'm not in the mood, maybe later, tomorrow, you want it again, etc.!!! That's a marriage deal breaker because the reason he or she got married in the first place was that physical, sexual connection and often.


If there was a way to find out, does she have a high sex drive before we get married? Or does he have a high sex drive before she decides to marry him? That would be the number one thing to keep the divorce rates down to almost nothing.

Too many posts of men and women in sexless, no fantasy marriages and that results in affairs, porn, everything to try and satisfy that individual with the higher healthy sex drive.

And then the men or women with high drives have to read all these books, jump through hoops, bend over, in essence kill their high sex drives in the end, all for a person with a low drive that won't change. People with low drives should never be married or have kids and should be single.
 

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I notice there’s lots of advice out there about taking a firm stance, setting limits, laying down the law, becoming the alpha-male (is that what that phrase means?) My advice is, don’t do it, guys. Even now, my wife can reduce me to tears of shame and self-loathing at some of the things I said and did, then. She remembers them all.
Your write very eloquently, but the above is where you're wrong. From how you describe your marriage, you've always been the beta. Perhaps you tried to alpha up, but did it unsuccessfully. The fact that she makes you cry from what she brings up says as much. An alpha would have the situation reversed and make her cry with what you say.

I do think some women who are naturally more dominant, make it hard to achieve more power and so men that are married to such women have a difficult time to do so. Since you weren't ever successful doing that, you gave up and allowed your marriage to remain sexless.
 

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The way sex should be in marriages:

- wife in the mood, husband always says yes and makes the time
- husband in the mood, wife always says yes and makes the time
- if both in the mood, great
- if both not in the mood, fine.


But what should never be happening, if he or she says I'm not in the mood, maybe later, tomorrow, you want it again, etc.!!! That's a marriage deal breaker because the reason he or she got married in the first place was that physical, sexual connection and often.
So you believe in "duty" sex? :scratchhead:
 

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This isn't duty sex in my opinion. It should be because the husband and wife love each other and should want to be together, whether they're both in the mood, or only one of them is. Not duty sex to me. If it seems like duty sex, then they shouldn't be married in the first place.
 

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This isn't duty sex in my opinion. It should be because the husband and wife love each other and should want to be together, whether they're both in the mood, or only one of them is. Not duty sex to me. If it seems like duty sex, then they shouldn't be married in the first place.
Geez, I can't even relate to that. It's always my goal for a sexual experience to be mutually gratifying.
 

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If my wifee is in the mood, and I might actually not be in the mood, I do make the time for her and never give her excuses and reject her and in the end, I do enjoy myself as well. I don't tell her, maybe tomorrow, I'm tired, you just got cuddling, etc. If I started doing that, why am I married to her???? You should want to be with your other half and that means often. If you reject your other half often, don't expect a great marriage.
 

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The way sex should be in marriages:

- wife in the mood, husband always says yes and makes the time
- husband in the mood, wife always says yes and makes the time
- if both in the mood, great
- if both not in the mood, fine.


But what should never be happening, if he or she says I'm not in the mood, maybe later, tomorrow, you want it again, etc.!!! That's a marriage deal breaker because the reason he or she got married in the first place was that physical, sexual connection and often.
I can't even fathom having a marriage like this. If I'm not in "the mood", it's incredibly painful for me to engage in intercourse, but what you seem to be saying is I should just suck it up and service my partner anyway, despite what can be pretty severe pain? And I;m positive he would hate that type of sex anyway... neither of us really enjoys fooling around if the other isn't into it.
Honestly, your little guideline seems like a really dysfunctional marriage type to me, but whatever works for you.
 

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How many hubby' are happy with a low sex drive wife? Never in the mood? Maybe tomorrow? You just got sex a few days ago?

What happens to most marriages in that situation?

Unhappy......Affairs.......divorce.......

A good friend of mine once told me, his girlfriend always made the time for him and he always made the time for her, even if they were tired. They had what I consider one of the best relationships ever. (in their 40's to maybe 50's at the time)

I'm not saying "force" sex but make the time and effort when your other half is in the mood. Your were there in that time of need, versus, maybe tomorrow.......see what I'm trying to say?
 

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IMO, it should be ok to not want to do it if you're not in the mood. I agree that sex is a form of affection and it shouldn't be forced. So not being in the mood is fine. It's only a problem if the rejection is constant, but then both sides should try to figure out why the marriage is becoming sexless, and not just demanding it.
 

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People with low drives should never be married or have kids and should be single.
Really? While we're at it, let's burn them at the stake.

It's all about honesty & communication. No bait & switch.

If a person has a low sexual drive, then communicate it before marriage. Same with a high drive. Don't "hold back" out of fear.

If a person's drive changes during marriage, communicate that to your partner & try to work up a solution. Stop making up excuses not to have sex.

Mismatched sexual drives need to be honestly talked about & solutions need to be worked on.
 

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And I believe, counter to the title of this thread, that here is always hope.
Each couple needs to find their own equilibrium for intimacy and all other aspects of their relationship.
My first marriage was wonderful for 37 years. I'm in year 2 of number 2 and still learning.
I think we are each our own worst enemy, usually not be truly honest to ourself let alone our spouse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Getting back to my original point, why don’t we just say 'no' to all the hype peddlers, the psychologists, the executives of the film industry, the sex researchers, the scientists with their drugs that don’t work, the advertisers and the pornographers, and just have sex to produce happy children? I did not do this! So that’s how I know that chasing dreams of sexual fulfilment just creates pain and misery.
 
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Getting back to my original point, why don’t we just say 'no' to all the hype peddlers, the psychologists, the executives of the film industry, the sex researchers, the scientists with their drugs that don’t work, the advertisers and the pornographers, and just have sex to produce happy children? I did not do this! So that’s how I know that chasing dreams of sexual fulfilment just creates pain and misery.
Keethy, I can see some truths in your statements because you have lived it. Some of your comments remind me of my own parents relationship. They are still together because they made a commitment long ago in a church. They are not happy sexually, but they still have many bonds together, and they continue to work on their relationship.

I can also say that many people do go thru life, dealing with the cards they have been dealt, and make the best of it with a positive attitude. That is me. I'm now 49 and I don't have ALL of the sex that I want, but i keep working on it, and my marriage is actually pretty damn good. Reading the posts on this website have helped me put that in perspective.

Bottom line, I prefer to look at the glass of life as half full. I look at life with optimism and hope....and I believe that being positive will get you further in life...in all aspects...including sex.

My favorite quote hangs on my bulletin board and i read it every morning to start my day. It is from Christian D. Larson:

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you"

This is the way I choose to go thru life, and so far, it has been very good advice! ;)
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I Notice the Details, Yes, those are good principles to live by. We should form our own rules early in life and be true to them. I knew then what I know now. That love, kindness, consideration for the feelings of others and gentleness are good things but I allowed my hurt to make me angry. And that I passed on to my children. Your parents stayed together. Were you a happy child?
 
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I Notice the Details, Yes, those are good principles to live by. We should form our own rules early in life and be true to them. I knew then what I know now. That love, kindness, consideration for the feelings of others and gentleness are good things but I allowed my hurt to make me angry. And that I passed on to my children. Your parents stayed together. Were you a happy child?
Yes....I have always tried to be happy/positive. My parents had 8 children. 6 boys and 2 girls. I was the 4th of 8 kids. Being the middle child helped me get along with everyone. Our entire family is still very close to this day.
 
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