Sooo tired of the BS!!

4380 Views 30 Replies 19 Participants Last post by NIGHTNURE101, Oct 20, 2012

NIGHTNURE101

Discussion Starter · Oct 12, 2012 (Edited)

So my husband has been having an EA for 2years. I Confronted him when I first found out about it 2yrs ago and he as denied the relationship. However 2 nights a week he does not come home. He Claims he is out drinking and will not drive so he sleeps in his truck! I have heard messages left on his phone from her, he has bought a private phone for her to call/text him. I know a lot about this OW, where she lives works etc, I have found cards she gave him telling him he is the best thing ever happened to her. My WS has assured me on many occasions the affair is over and I always somehow find clues that indicate differently. When confronted he tries to accuse ME of having affairs with HIS friend which is just crazy!!! I have been really trying to make this work. We gave 2 kids 5-10. I personally think he is a poor example of a husband. I have no one to talk to I talk to his mom who begs for me not to give up as she fears he would hurt himself if things don't work out. This past Sunday night
he was out never came home. He called the house at 8am I didnt
answer however the machine picked up and I overheard a
conversation he was having with his mistress! At the end of which
she says I LOVE YOU to him and he says IF YOU SAY SO.I could tell by the noise in the background he was by her job. I really got angry
and let him have it after ignoring his calls for a while. I told him I
would file for divorce. I have not spoken to him since he comes
home. I am so hurt and I feel this marriage is dead. He never sees
that. I know I can't afford to maintain the household alone we
bought a house 2 yrs ago. The house is only in my name which he also gets mad about but we discussed It before we purchased. I am
not rue where to turn. Any advice welcome.

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1 - 20 of 31 Posts

Gunthar

· #2 · Oct 12, 2012

Sorry to hear of your marital problems but having a ongoing PA is a marriage dealbreaker for most people.

Let me suggest reading the various forums here on people that have gone thru infidelity and how to deal with it as well as divorce.

I would begin doing a 180 now in preparation for your divorce. The experienced folks on this site may tell you to focus on yourself. Get yourself into a good place (self-esteem, get yourself into shape, do things for yourself).

Reactions: 1

Remains

· #3 · Oct 12, 2012

You have to throw him out! Do not listen to his mum, she first and foremost only has her son's best interests. Yours are not at the top of her list.

There are ways to keep the house going. Lodgers? And if not, is a house really worth all the pain he puts you through? I doubt it!

Get out of there (the relationship) before you crumble. Or even worse, before you accept that this is your marriage and end up sticking with it. Your children will learn how a marriage works by you two. Do you want this for your children?

Reactions: 1

fishfast41

· #4 · Oct 12, 2012

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and your pain. You have come to the right place however.Here you will get sensible advice and people to talk to who understand what you are going through. You are fortunate in that you caught him redhanded, and have plenty of evidence to prove his affair. I think you should get a lawyer and give him everything you have discovered. Then file for divorce immediately.Seems to me this is a situation which will repeat if you don't show this jerk the consequences of his actions.

Reactions: 2

badmemory

· #5 · Oct 12, 2012

You mention in your message that your husband is having an "EA" which is an emotional affair. Surely you meant "PA" for physical affair, because I have no doubt that that's what's going on.

Reactions: 3

Jellybeans

· #6 · Oct 12, 2012

Two years? Crikey.

File for divorce & child support and have him served.

This guy does not and has not had your best interests for a long time.

If you don't have a job, get one and start saving $.

You can keep putting up with this or you can actually do something to change the tides. You won't change him or get him to stop if he doesn't want to. But you can decide what you will tolerate. So stop tolerating this mess and actually do something about it.

Respect yourself.

Oh and if he doesn't come home and is with her, I'd call this a PA/EA.

See less See more

Reactions: 3

Hope1964

· #7 · Oct 12, 2012

Jellybeans said:
Two years? Crikey.

File for divorce & child support and have him served.

This guy does not and has not had your best interests for a long time.

If you don't have a job, get one and start saving $.

You can keep putting up with this or you can actually do something to change the tides. You won't change him or get him to stop if he doesn't want to. But you can decide what you will tolerate. So stop tolerating this mess and actually do something about it.

Respect yourself.

Oh and if he doesn't come home and is with her, I'd call this a PA/EA.

:iagree:

And get tested for STD's.

Reactions: 5

NIGHTNURE101

Discussion Starter · #8 · Oct 12, 2012

Hope1964 said:
:iagree:

And get tested for STD's.

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NIGHTNURE101

Discussion Starter · #9 · Oct 12, 2012

Oops that's what I meant PA.. I am feeling so low and depressed about this. How do I tell my family this. He tells me how much he does not want to lose me and his family. Why would he keep doing this. I despise him right now. I have not said another word to him since Monday I need all the help I can get. I know I deserve better and I tell him this.
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alte Dame

· #10 · Oct 12, 2012

Keep telling yourself you deserve better. Let it be a mantra.

Then stiffen your spine & kick him out. You have to stay strong no matter how hurt you are.

indiecat

· #11 · Oct 12, 2012

He can go stay with his mother if she lives nearby, or a friend. He has to leave and pay you support.
IF he wants a shot at keeping his family he has to a) leave b) agree to no contact with her and c) attend marriage counseling until if and when you want to try again.

Ovid

· #12 · Oct 12, 2012

Right now he has you and her so he's living the high life. He can string you both along until he's happy enough with her to leave you or return to you if they don't work out. Don't let him use you like this.

Lawyer up and start the 180. Don't tell him crap except that you are done. Force him to make a decision. More than likely it will be you. If it's not at least you'll be out of this crappy limbo where you get strung along.

I wish you the best and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Reactions: 1

Jellybeans

· #13 · Oct 12, 2012 (Edited)

Nightnure--you have nothing to feel ashamed/embarrassed about.

Just tell his family honestly: Husband has been having an affair for two years and I am not putting up with anymore. I deserve better, for myself, and for our daughter.

That's it. You don't have to justify anything.

You asked why he keeps doing it: because 1. he wants to and 2. he has faced zero consquences in the past two years.

Reactions: 5

unsure78

· #14 · Oct 12, 2012

:iagree:

NIGHTNURE101

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 12, 2012

Thanks for all your comments and suggestion. I did consult with a lawyer when I first found out about his affair. It wouldn't be the best time to file. So I am going to be trying to save as much as I can, I will tell him I AM DONE!! I will be focusing on me and my kids. He has an older son 16 that lives with us I feel bad for him. I have told his family, I have not told mine yet.Boogie110 thanks for recommending this books I will look for them . Sorry to hear you are going through it with a WS . It's too bad cause my WS is a verily loving supportive person he is a very good person , but he clearly has a problem , I have suggested counseling in the past and he states that won't help oh well. He keeps bringing up this one instance where a mutual male friend of ours who is like family kissed me on the lips. He keeps accusing me of having an affair and says that he changed ever since that happened, but its all BS I would never do something like that

Reactions: 2

MattMatt

· #16 · Oct 12, 2012

Remains said:
You have to throw him out! Do not listen to his mum, she first and foremost only has her son's best interests. Yours are not at the top of her list.

There are ways to keep the house going. Lodgers? And if not, is a house really worth all the pain he puts you through? I doubt it!

Get out of there (the relationship) before you crumble. Or even worse, before you accept that this is your marriage and end up sticking with it. Your children will learn how a marriage works by you two. Do you want this for your children?

I agree with Remains! And if his mum is worried about him, let him go live with her when you throw him out!

Reactions: 2

Starleegirl

· #17 · Oct 13, 2012

I'm sorry to hear your story, I just joined this site and am so glad I did. I just posted my story and my husband will not admit anything either and it is killing me inside. I have tried so hard to just putnitntonthe back of my mind and get over it but that gut feeling never goes away. I am starting to make plans to get on with my life because this is not healthy for me or my kids and I hope that you will find the strength to move on and find happiness again!! Best of luck.

Reactions: 1

NIGHTNURE101

Discussion Starter · #18 · Oct 15, 2012

Update: since My explosion on d day. We have not said a word to each other. Living like strangers I know the kid are wondering ESP my 10 yo daughter.I have started my 180 I use to cook made sure he had lunch etc, not any more focusing on me!! And the kids

Reactions: 3

The Cro-Magnon

· #19 · Oct 15, 2012

NIGHTNURE101 said:
So my husband has been having an EA for 2years. I Confronted him when I first found out about it 2yrs ago and he as denied the relationship. However 2 nights a week he does not come home. He Claims he is out drinking and will not drive so he sleeps in his truck! I have heard messages left on his phone from her, he has bought a private phone for her to call/text him. I know a lot about this OW, where she lives works etc, I have found cards she gave him telling him he is the best thing ever happened to her. My WS has assured me on many occasions the affair is over and I always somehow find clues that indicate differently. When confronted he tries to accuse ME of having affairs with HIS friend which is just crazy!!! I have been really trying to make this work. We gave 2 kids 5-10. I personally think he is a poor example of a husband. I have no one to talk to I talk to his mom who begs for me not to give up as she fears he would hurt himself if things don't work out. This past Sunday night
he was out never came home. He called the house at 8am I didnt
answer however the machine picked up and I overheard a
conversation he was having with his mistress! At the end of which
she says I LOVE YOU to him and he says IF YOU SAY SO.I could tell by the noise in the background he was by her job. I really got angry
and let him have it after ignoring his calls for a while. I told him I
would file for divorce. I have not spoken to him since he comes
home. I am so hurt and I feel this marriage is dead. He never sees
that. I know I can't afford to maintain the household alone we
bought a house 2 yrs ago. The house is only in my name which he also gets mad about but we discussed It before we purchased. I am
not rue where to turn. Any advice welcome.

Your Husband is acting like a POS, really classless stuff. You deserve better, you are looking after your children and are family orientated, so whatever happens I hope you understand that you are higher than him.

One good saying my friend's father told me today that will hopefully help you as much as it helped me:

"You are never as trapped as you think you are"

Reactions: 2

alte Dame

· #20 · Oct 15, 2012

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:
One good saying my friend's father told me today that will hopefully help you as much as it helped me:

"You are never as trapped as you think you are"

:iagree:

Unless someone is physically holding you down, you are only trapped if you trap yourself.

You will be truly liberated if you make the decision to stand up for your self-respect and pride. No one should have the right to treat you the way your H treats you.

Keep your big girl panties on & stay with the 180, then get rid of him.

Reactions: 1

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