[Maxo]

Cheerleader at one point? I would bet that the incidence of NPD is higher among them. No citations,sorry. Just intuition.

 

[Imnobodynew]

Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it. One of my sons first words around 24 months was "dad" to me. He now has my middle and last name. He stole my heart 5 years ago and turns 7 in July. When it comes to him I won't be going anywhere. He already has had a difficult life and one of the many things I intend to see through is the commitment I made to him.

I am reading through your thread here on TAM. You have joined in IMHO the hall of positive BS HEROES. I will mark this thread and refer back to it in the future. While we cannot see you in real life, and you might be going through valleys and mountains. Remember your attitude here. Live it, breathe it, doesn't matter what anyone does really. In the end it just matters how you grow from all this.

Someday your son will look at you and say thank you for being my dad, my adult ally, part of my hope. I came from a home where both my mom and dad were terrible and left us (my brother and I) in our teens. It wasn't pretty, but with the Lord's help, I was able to hold it together. My brother is happily married and doing well for himself with a beach condo on the frisco bay I say this because this post is the right attitude. Props to you.

When you are on the down swing. Know you can come here. Get good advice and a few jerks and bad advice all mixed in, but advice never the less. And much like the person your wife has/ is/ seems to be growing into ...like bad advice you can take or leave it.

Personally? Bad advice? Id leave it. Right? Wonder what that says about your wife

 

[tech-novelist]

Cheerleader at one point? I would bet that the incidence of NPD is higher among them. No citations,sorry. Just intuition.

Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.

Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...

 

[bruin619]

This may bug the crap out of her. Google "hoovering" as it relates to Clusre B' s.

It always amazes me as much as I have read, taken in and become a sponge for online through this process the new terms I still learn. I have never heard of this. I spent 4 months working with her (not really looking back on it) but believing things were going to be different and working through things with her. I will thank her - because it was HER this month that actually said "I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to look back wondering what might have been with my affair partner." Which of course stunned me. Why am I thanking her (not to her face of course) because I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her finally making a choice. Something I had to accept when I was to weak to walk away to begin with. Which i know I should have done. But yes - we have ironed out that I failed miserable in my initial response to all of this. With that said, this is the first 48 hours I have no initiated any contact whatsoever. On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)

 

[Maxo]

Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.


Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...

I see this time and again.

 

[bruin619]

I am reading through your thread here on TAM. You have joined in IMHO the hall of positive BS HEROES. I will mark this thread and refer back to it in the future. While we cannot see you in real life, and you might be going through valleys and mountains. Remember your attitude here. Live it, breathe it, doesn't matter what anyone does really. In the end it just matters how you grow from all this.

Someday your son will look at you and say thank you for being my dad, my adult ally, part of my hope. I came from a home where both my mom and dad were terrible and left us (my brother and I) in our teens. It wasn't pretty, but with the Lord's help, I was able to hold it together. My brother is happily married and doing well for himself with a beach condo on the frisco bay I say this because this post is the right attitude. Props to you.

When you are on the down swing. Know you can come here. Get good advice and a few jerks and bad advice all mixed in, but advice never the less. And much like the person your wife has/ is/ seems to be growing into ...like bad advice you can take or leave it.

Personally? Bad advice? Id leave it. Right? Wonder what that says about your wife

This is an incredibly sweet post. Thank you. I looked from afar for a while on this forum and decided ultimately I wanted to be part of this community in hopes maybe just maybe in addition to my son I can help one other person down the line from this process. I don't think I really understood how much YOU ALL would end up helping me. I have really great friends and family, and I have started sharing the story with many of the closest ones I trust, however due to my work position I can't jump all in on this right now. I have to take it day by day and share with who I can and slowly but surely my friends will also begin to have a better understand of what is going on. With that said, my closest support network is now all aware and there for me. Thank you for sharing your story and words with me. It inspires and helps me. Before I learned I was being cheated on I had a colleague come up to me and say: Thank you for what you have done for your son and for being there in his life. I grew up without a dad and I didn't have a step dad like you. He might not be able to thank you right now, but I want to do that for him. - "" That moment also changed my life. You post is another one that moved me another inch.

 

[bruin619]

I want to share this with all of you - I love a ton of music, especially country. Tim McGraw has a new song out - the music video is also worth a watch. I heard it for the first time on Monday - and I listened and watched it over and over and promised myself I wouldn't live a bitter life and would be exactly what the song is called: Humble and Kind. I want to share this with you and hope at least one person out there finds it as touching and helpful as I did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc

 

[Imnobodynew]

On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)

ROFL ...

"Smile and wave boys" Feels good doesn't it? Just make sure you do not dissolve to her level. NO manipulation, coercion, emotional attacks etc.. Just let it go and heal. Your on track, don't let these things sabotage you. Every time you do it will sabotage your own growth.
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Not really, ever see kids playing on a playground and then they start hitting each other.. and you ask what happened.. and the kids say "i'm just hitting em back" don't let yourself fall into trap. Just my two cents...

 

[bruin619]

ROFL ...

"Smile and wave boys" Feels good doesn't it? Just make sure you do not dissolve to her level. NO manipulation, coercion, emotional attacks etc.. Just let it go and heal. Your on track, don't let these things sabotage you. Every time you do it will sabotage your own growth.
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Not really, ever see kids playing on a playground and then they start hitting each other.. and you ask what happened.. and the kids say "i'm just hitting em back" don't let yourself fall into trap. Just my two cents...

totally agree with you. just did it once. it felt good for my self esteem. and also proved what i figured was true. to her its all a game. had I walked away when I first learned she probably was still so new to the affair she may have cut it off and worked on the marriage (even if not for long) but I didn't respond the way I should and let her do what she did even more. Was a self esteem boost to know she didn't like the fact that I will be with new people when the seperation is finalized. Like I am her property or something. Not anymore.

 

[Maxo]

It always amazes me as much as I have read, taken in and become a sponge for online through this process the new terms I still learn. I have never heard of this. I spent 4 months working with her (not really looking back on it) but believing things were going to be different and working through things with her. I will thank her - because it was HER this month that actually said "I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to look back wondering what might have been with my affair partner." Which of course stunned me. Why am I thanking her (not to her face of course) because I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her finally making a choice. Something I had to accept when I was to weak to walk away to begin with. Which i know I should have done. But yes - we have ironed out that I failed miserable in my initial response to all of this. With that said, this is the first 48 hours I have no initiated any contact whatsoever. On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)

Two things: First ,many of us felt an unconcious sense of relief upon discovering the cheating. This is due to a couple factors, IMHO. You realize you were not losing your mind and your suspicions were accurate and justified. Second, on some level,you were living with the ever present ambient abuse of a narcissist. This type of abuse is hard to define and even harder to explain to outsiders. It consists of small but consistent signs of disdain and contempt,which insidiously erode you confidence and self respect.
These subtler forms of abuse may be accompanied by periodic raging or the " silent treatment ( the pssive form of raging.
But, you stay,walk on eggshells and tolerate it because you do not recognize it as abuse and you question if you are over sensitive or perceiving it accurately( despite the fact that you never felt this way in past relationships or cuurent friendhips with others.
So, now you have a brightline abusive behavior,one that most counselors consider to be among the most egregious forms of abuse: infidelity.
This is your chance to finally get out. Others will understand this vs trying to explain that you are exiting due to amorphous,ambient abuse.
So, on some level,you feel relief,along with pain and anger.
Your wife( and I do not mean to in any way dimi ish the trauma and pain) has bestowed a gift on you. This is going to get you out and away from abuse.
Second thing,her reaction to your diiner with the new woman is not unexpected. It is a narcissistic injury to her,such that,assuming she is halfway bright,she cannot even see the irony and hypocrisy of her response.
Maybe she is just too dumb to see it. But,it may be that the narcissistic injury,her ego having to deal with the fact that she is replaceable, has blinded her to the hypocrisy such that she is not embarrassed by it.
One final thing that another poster mentioned: almost invariably, the betrayed spouse has an inflated view of the cheater's physical attractiveness.
I mentioned this to another guy who was proclaimig his wife was supr hot. I read a book by a woman PI from Austrailia who specialized in investigating suspicion of infidelity.
As part of her initial interview with her client she would ask for a physical description of the cheater. Invariably the cheater would be described as very attractive.
Then,she would ask the client to bring in a photo of the cheater.she would be dumbfounded by what she saw and the difference in the description vs reality.
She hypothesized that betrayed spouse had been so traumatized that their confidence and self esteem was so low that it elevated their assessment re the cheater.
Absent wealth,high status or power in the man,it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally,again abset the$$ and power etc.,the man is thepartner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.

 

[tech-novelist]

Absent wealth, high status or power in the man, it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally, again absent the$$ and power etc.,the man is the partner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.

My wife is a lot more attractive than I am. But I was fortunate to have had a situational alpha frame when we met (without knowing anything about that), which explains a lot.

Note: she hasn't cheated on me, nor do I expect her to.

 

[Maxo]

My wife is a lot more attractive than I am. But I was fortunate to have had a situational alpha frame when we met (without knowing anything about that), which explains a lot.

I should have qualified that: not all women are hypergamous. But cheating ones,generally are.

 

[tech-novelist]

I should have qualified that: not all women are hypergamus. But cheating ones,generally are.

Actually I think that all women are hypergamous. But some of them know when they have a good thing going. >

 

[bruin619]

Two things: First ,many of us felt an unconcious sense of relief upon discovering the cheating. This is due to a couple factors, IMHO. You realize you were not losing your mind and your suspicions were accurate and justified. Second, on some level,you were living with the ever present ambient abuse of a narcissist. This type of abuse is hard to define and even harder to explain to outsiders. It consists of small but consistent signs of disdain and contempt,which insidiously erode you confidence and self respect.
These subtler forms of abuse may be accompanied by periodic raging or the " silent treatment ( the pssive form of raging.
But, you stay,walk on eggshells and tolerate it because you do not recognize it as abuse and you question if you are over sensitive or perceiving it accurately( despite the fact that you never felt this way in past relationships or cuurent friendhips with others.
So, now you have a brightline abusive behavior,one that most counselors consider to be among the most egregious forms of abuse: infidelity.
This is your chance to finally get out. Others will understand this vs trying to explain that you are exiting due to amorphous,ambient abuse.
So, on some level,you feel relief,along with pain and anger.
Your wife( and I do not mean to in any way dimi ish the trauma and pain) has bestowed a gift on you. This is going to get you out and away from abuse.
Second thing,her reaction to your diiner with the new woman is not unexpected. It is a narcissistic injury to her,such that,assuming she is halfway bright,she cannot even see the irony and hypocrisy of her response.
Maybe she is just too dumb to see it. But,it may be that the narcissistic injury,her ego having to deal with the fact that she is replaceable, has blinded her to the hypocrisy such that she is not embarrassed by it.
One final thing that another poster mentioned: almost invariably, the betrayed spouse has an inflated view of the cheater's physical attractiveness.
I mentioned this to another guy who was proclaimig his wife was supr hot. I read a book by a woman PI from Austrailia who specialized in investigating suspicion of infidelity.
As part of her initial interview with her client she would ask for a physical description of the cheater. Invariably the cheater would be described as very attractive.
Then,she would ask the client to bring in a photo of the cheater.she would be dumbfounded by what she saw and the difference in the description vs reality.
She hypothesized that betrayed spouse had been so traumatized that their confidence and self esteem was so low that it elevated their assessment re the cheater.
Absent wealth,high status or power in the man,it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally,again abset the$$ and power etc.,the man is thepartner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.

Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.

 

[Imnobodynew]

I agree. But everybody's definition of beauty is different. Shrug In my more youthful days I've been involved with women who people have described as models. My mother returned after 9 years of absence.... and she said " TO what happened?" I was like what do you mean? It was so out of the blue. She said " Your wife, I expected more from you, your girls were all so modeley looking, very pretty, she's not that pretty"... I almost smacked her. This women she called not pretty, helped me raise her son, Stood by me when I was in wheelchair for 5 years (my mom came 9 years latter), and three years after our marriage. Never cheated, never lied, always there. And she said she wasn't that pretty. WTH? No. I would choose her ( a woman) again, and again, and again, over a hot model who is a cheating, lying, nasty ethic, no moral, weak willed, lame brained, "girl" with pretty face.
Again just my two cents... We are still married, dated only 3 months. Not saying it was all roses. Not saying we didn't have our own ups and downs and r or almost divorces... Just saying we are still married because we both choose to be of substance. BTW I married up

 

[joannacroc]

So sorry you find yourself here. First of all, as someone whose son has a biological dad who barely shows up (literally or figuratively), know how wonderful it is that you are there for your son. He IS your son, whatever your wife's intentions may or may not have been, and is a blameless victim in all of this. I'm glad to hear you're planning on focusing on him. Believe it or not, having a kid makes some of this being-cheated-on-and-having-your-heart-and-trust-broken a little easier to focus through, because you have someone depending on you, and can't afford to go to pieces.

Hang in there. It gets a little less painful every day. 1 year and 3-ish months after separation, I genuinely feel nothing for my ex-husband, except disappointed and sad on behalf of my son due to his half-assed parenting. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it DOES get better.

In a way, coping with this will be an exercise in memory. Every time your mind is tempted to make an excuse for her, stop yourself, and remember she torpoedoed your marriage and your son's childhood because she wanted to get some. That is the kind of person she is. Remember what you have noticed, remind yourself how she has shown NO remorse.

180 is tremendously helpful, and something I believe the other posters here have sent you info on. Focus on exercise and try to eat a healthy meal, even when you don't feel like it. Your mind and body have been dealt a hell of a blow. If you're going to be there for your son, your body needs help to function properly. Exercise will help you sleep through the nights, when nothing else will. Don't be ashamed to reach out to friends, not just to dish on what happened, but to check in when you're down. They are your friends and I'm sure u would return the favor if the situation were reversed. Try something new with your son. Shape new memories for the two of you and spend as much time with him as possible, he's going to have questions. But most of all, he needs to know for certain and feel that no matter how scary this feels now to you both, that he has you to count on. You're a good Dad and a decent person, who deserves good things. Remind yourself of this every day if you need to.

 

[Maxo]

Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.

Same here.so,perhaps vs trading up,she was,in fact,projecting her own proclivities ont you,thinking that because she,herself,would act upon the opportunities,you were likely to do so.
Hence,the preemptive cheating on you.
After my XW's affair was disclosed,I too had many people coming forward with lo g held unfavorable impressions of her which they had resisted expressing out of respect for me.
Others see what they are like because they are not influenced by love and attachment.
Members of my XW's family ,actually,did this as well as mutual friends.

 

[sparrow555]

48 hours is nothing.. That it took you this much effort should also mean something.

Does she work?

 

[sparrow555]

Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.

So. you were blind to her faults when you were in love ? Or you did notice but thought she would never do the same things to you?

She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?

 

[sapientia]

She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?

This was my first thought as well. Then I read she was a single mom with a young child the OP accepted as his own.

Bruin - you are a standup guy. Hardworking, stable, loyal, loving.

Some people like your ex are just wired stupid and selfish. I'm sorry this happened to you. 180 works. You are better off without her. Life is too short for grubbing in the dirt when you should be flying in the bright sky.

Be prepared, however, to possibly lose that child at some point when she hooks up with someone else. This happened to my H before he met me. His ex cheated also except he found out before he married her. His relationship with the child dissolved and he was heartbroken for a long time. More about the kid than the woman, who is a hot mess to this day.

EDIT - I see you have adopted the child. Nevermind, my above comments, except you are a saint, IMO.

The doctor is a loser too, so no comparison there. Anyone who would cheat with a married person has no self-respect.

Find peace and be well. Life does get better from here.