I would first like to thank everyone in advance for their time reading this and for their honest feedback. I have spent a few weeks reading everything I could get my hands onto online. I could probably guess what much of the feedback will be since many stories aren't that different. But I am interested in hearing from everyone. Those of you that have been betrayed and those of you that have betrayed your spouses. Please understand, while I know what I should do and what I might be doing for next steps may seem cut and dry I do love this person for so many different reasons. But I am also still dealing with the tremendous disappointment of what has been done to me and my son.
The best way I can summarize this:
5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.
We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.
We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.
After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved.
In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.
I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.
One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.
Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.
The best way I can summarize this:
5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.
We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.
We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.
After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved.
In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.
I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.
One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.
Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.
