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Discussion Starter #1
New here!

Its almost impossible to shorten my story into something that represents the things I have gone through during this last year. So Ill try to give you the short, short, short version.

Im divorced since August. My wife dropped a bomb in November last year. I really thought we were good and loved eachother. Everything was like it had always been.

After the BD she changed in a split second. We lived together for three months before she moved out. We have a daughter whos five that is now living every other week with me. Every leagal thing is sorten and all our bonds are cut.

Problem is my ex is really angry with me. She has since BD treated me so horrible its mind boggling. I have tried to be good to her inspite of her confusion and hard words but it doesnt help at all.

For me it just seems like it shoud be me whos angry at her. But I just cant. I can see that theres something really wrong or at least different about her. So much that it scares me. I know shes not crazy bc she functions in many other areas of her life.

Problem is that I cant have anything to do with her. I have tried and tried bc of our relationship with D but I cant anymore. So I have cut almost every kind of contact with ex unless its really important.

I really dont know what has happened to her. Prior to BD she was the most loving and caring woman I have ever met.

What happened?
 

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Simple: she had to justify the divorce and the circumstances that led to it, so she damn well made you the bad guy.
 

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Thanks F!

Understood!

But she just continues! Her own family doesnt buy what she is saying. She has even cut off her older sister completely. Nobody believes what she is saying. Instead of listening to reason she keeps on holding on to something thats just in her own mind.

She gets some energy from new friends. Friends that has never met me.

Older sister questioned me once and I showed her our texts. After ten minutes of reading she said that she thought her sister has seriouse problems.

Now Im staying away. I have gone to IC so many times i have forgotten how many.

Do you think people who get like this will ever undrestand themselves?
 

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Yes, I think she wants to blame you because even after the divorce she hasn't found the happiness she thinks she deserves and that its all your fault because you ruined her life for X years.

I don't have close relationships with a lot of my wife's family but close enough with her mother that I've asked (while carefully not asking her to betray any confidence) and she will tell me what I hear - that in her eyes its clear cut I took advantage of her, I ruined her, that it's all me and that it was ALL bad.

I was like you basically oblivious to some problems till I was told I'm leaving you and there's nothing you can do about it. Still stunned and hurt but realizing its NOT just me. I will be able to more easily ignore these barbs since we don't have kids, but I think you should just not worry about what she thinks.

Good luck!
 

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Or, it's possible that she found out the hard way that the divorce was not as liberating and empowering as her "friends" made it out to be, that she realizes what she gave up, and she's mad at you for not fighting harder for the marriage.
 
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No, you don't! You have to CARE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER and you have to care about yourself. You don't have to CARE about WHY your ex-w is hateful and nasty.

So she says ugly, horrible things about you. You can either

let it affect you, get all wrought up, try to understand why, spend your time attempting to ameliorate her temper and trying to get her to 'be nice',

OR

you can decide that your wife is a full-grown woman, entitled to feel any way she wants to feel, entitled to treat you and the world anyway she wants (and reap what she sows), while you continue to be merely civil, short, dispassionate, discuss ONLY your daughter, and move on with your life.

You can get sucked into the drama if you want to, but it's NOT REQUIRED that you do that as part of being a good father. And isn't *THAT* your only role now?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I do get your points Slowly! And they are spot on!

But...

My daughter is so confused. She cries when its bed time not knowing why. She has started to wet her bed again. And she has several times asked why me and ex is not together anymore.

At ex place theres so much turmoil. Ex and her younger sister lives toghether with three young children. On weekends their boyfriends visit.

Im trying to be the stable parent. But its hart to let go of daughters pain.
 

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You need to get your daughter into counseling WHATEVER IT TAKES. Take advice/direction from your daughter's counselor. If you don't know where to find one, inquire at her school (they WILL have a counselor who can either help or send you in the right direction).

Start new bedtime rituals - a story (from you), a song (from her), special doll/animal to sleep with. Treat the bed-wetting matter-of-factly (clean it up, get her in clean pjs; the next morning she can 'help' you run the sheets through the laundry because she's a big girl and a big help).

"Mommy and I are not together because of grown-up problems that we are having. I know it is too hard for you to understand the reasons, but just as long as you know that Daddy loves you so much, and Mommy loves you so much too...and that will NEVER CHANGE. You will ALWAYS be our girl. That is what's important, honey."

There is NOTHING you can do about ex and her behavior. SHE has to want to change it. SHE has to see value (for herself or daughter) in changing it. ALL YOU CAN DO is be an unchanging rock of love, support, reliability for your daughter. On the weeks that she is with you, make sure she KNOWS what to expect. Make sure you allow HER to lead some of the playtime...SHE chooses what to do (and YOU do it willingly), SHE gets to make the rules and be in charge. Children need to feel that they're in charge sometimes, especially when life is so tumultuous.

Also, make sure you NEVER LIE to your daughter ABOUT ANYTHING. I'm not just speaking about your divorce, but life in general. You can say things like, "We will discuss this when you're older and will understand better" or "Well Mommy and I don't agree on this matter. Here's what I think and why I think it..." "You and I don't have to agree, Honey. Just like you think X is the best cartoon and I think Y is the best cartoon. You're not wrong and I'm not wrong, we just disagree (or like different things)." The reason the NEVER LYING is SO IMPORTANT is that in the future if your ex-w starts poisoning the well (parental alienation), then your daughter will be more willing to come to you and say, "Mom says you did XYZ." You will then be in a position to CALMLY refute the lies and tell your daughter, "I have NEVER LIED to you, have I?"

Unfortunately, this last bit of advice is from (sad) personal knowledge. Luckily my 14yo was able to come to me after a few days, tell me the OUTRAGEOUS LIES her dad told her about me. I refuted them all calmly, explained WHY he would behave like that (he hates me for leaving him), told her that she KNOWS I NEVER LIE TO HER (which she agreed was true) so she knew I was not LYING about refuting her dad's claims. She has secretly tape-recorded her dad running me down (this was HER idea and it made me SO SAD that she even thought of doing this and that she realized how twisted he is). She's even called him a 'd1ck' for the way he treats me. It's sad; so I *DO* understand your concern for your daughter. But you can ONLY HELP HER if you're well and fully-functioning yourself.

God bless you & your little girl! You'll be an amazing father to her and THAT is all that really matters.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks Slowly!

Good advice! I already do alot of them. Daughter really is my only reason to get up in the morning at this time.

I never talk about ex in a negative way and I am always as truthful to her as I think she can handle. I certainly hope D never comes between us even though my ex has tried to put blame on me not putting Ds needs first. Thats a chapter all by itself. Its like in exes mind she has certain fears of how things could be and acts on them as if they already happened.

Sorry about your stuch with D but she seems to have it figured out.

I havent had contact with ex for eight weeks. This bc she threatened me and called me names without any reason what so ever. Shes very unstable. But today she needed me to take D bc ex was ill. She was wery friendly like nothing ever happened.

Crazy!
 

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Yeah, my ex was hospitalized ONE WEEK after I left him. He nearly died and is still (6 mos later) P*SSED OFF that I didn't call him while he was in the hospital!?!

I'm like WTF? You mean ONE WEEK after he called me a c*nt, a stupid wh0re, put his hands on me, threatened to kill me, told our daughter I was an adulteress AND a former stripper (if you knew me, you'd REALLY laugh)!?! *I* didn't call *HIM* on his deathbed? Yep, he's right, I DIDN'T call him. I am so sick of him thinking EVERYTHING is about HIM. He can cr*p all over people (I've watched him do it for decades), but they're supposed to be available to him when he wants to USE them.

He is TOTALLY UNSTABLE and will only get worse once he gets served with divorce papers next month! I honestly wish he HAD died back in May...it would have mine and my daughter's lives so much simpler than dealing with his personality-disordered azz. Oh well! You have my sympathy!
 

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Your wife's attitude is not unusual. As others have said she had to get the to point she's at mentally to leave you. She has to make you the bad guy.

Your best bet is to ignore her as much as you can... look at the 180 link in my signature block below.

Get your daughter and yourself into counseling to deal with your daughter's issues of crying about the divorce, etc. She has to learn to accept what has happened in a healthy way. You are probably the only person who can help with this.

My ex did the same thing. He was hidous for years after the divorce. Now he acts like everthing is cool.... we are not friends but he's not mean and nasty any more.

I had to ignore him for years. OUr son gets it. He loves his father but sees who he is. I don't interfer with that relationship.

YOu cannot help your wife. You cannot reason with her. You cannot change her. You can only change how you interact with her.
 

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I totally agree with what SlowlygGettingWiser told you. She has given you some wisdom and practical advice (based on wisdom). She has/is going through the same thing you're going through. I feel it is unnecessary to add to what she already posted; I would only be reiterating what she said. It does seem to me, though, that you are seeking to put into practice what she said. It IS your decision you have to make. I feel she was steering you in the right path.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Thanks!

Its just strange. I mean leaving them completely alone is the only way to heal oneself. And stepping back also should make them sooner or later have to deal with their own issues.

Well, well! It si what it is!

But David... After 25 years! Man!

But it is logical in some twisted way. I told my ex that im not surprised she treats me like she does. How do you leave a loving spouse that only ever wanted the best for us? Like you have! She just stared at me.

Cant be rational or appeal to a person in la la land!
 
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