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Discussion Starter · #81 ·
That's something that you will need to work on if you want to have a healthy relationship. Everyone should have boundaries and should be able to say them. That doesn't mean the other person has to follow your boundaries, which also means you don't have to stay with them.

If sending nudes is so important to her, then you aren't a good match (and honestly, I doubt she'd be a safe partner). If your relationship is more important than it won't be a big deal for her to stop.

How did this topic come up/how do you know about the nudes?
We were driving by her friends house, she just mentioned they send each other pictures because she is insecure about her body.
 

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Discussion Starter · #82 ·
You are 29 and she is 25. You should be quite a bit more mature than she is. You sound like you are handling it well.

Some questions for you. Are things going so well, you think this woman could end up your wife? Probably way to early to know from what you describe. The real down side of the nude photos of her with her face would be if you married her and then either ran for political office or had a "pillar of the community" type of job. Other than that is shouldn't matter anymore than someone who posed for Playboy Magazine.

Seriously is it normal. Probably not. As another suggested talk to her and tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. My suggestion is to figure out why she told you about it. Does she know it is not typical behavior and is trying to tell you ahead of time so if the two of you get serious, you knew about it from the beginning? Is she trying to shock you into thinking she is a sex machine behind closed doors to try to get your attention? The why may be more important than the what.

You really can't change someone else, or at least you shouldn't pressure them to change. You can only change yourself and the way others treat you. What happened with past lovers really should stay in the past as long as it doesn't influence the future. Again, how serious are you about her and how serious is she about you. Based on this startling confession on her part to you, she may be very serious about you and either want to arouse your interest or warn you that she has a kinky side.

Figure out what your feelings are and if a nude photo of her would ruin your career plans.

Good luck.
Great post. I will DM you
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
I have a 20 year old daughter that just moved out of the house to go to school a few weeks ago.

A lot of her girlfriends were in and out of our house at all hours of the day and night and couple of them were practically living with us at various times.

Our house is not that big and they all felt pretty comfortable talking about things openly within earshot of my wife and I, and I can say that I have heard a lot of things that would make a lot of the more,, shall we say - ‘conservative’ posters here collapse in the corner sucking their thumbs whimpering in a fetal position.

One of her inner-circle friends does self identify as lesbian currently, but I can tell that the day some handsome hunk treats her well and has something to show for himself, she will leave her GF in the dust and take off with the guy.

All the other ones have rubbed boobies and smooched on other chicks to show off for the guys at clubs and parties and such at one time or another even though they would all self-identify as completely heterosexual and have/have had traditional boyfriends.

This is all about contex. Was the OP’s GF in some kind of quasi sexually oriented relationship with this other gal and have bona fide erotic feelings for each other?

Or did they kissy kiss to get the boys riled up at a party and periodically send boobie pics to each other to show off their tan lines and ask which picture angle makes them look bustier?

Those are two completely different planes of reality.
Great post. I'll DM ya
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
It would be really nice to see any comments by the discussion starter.

Assuming the comments by the OP were sincere and truthful, I think that the OP should site his young girlfriend down and congratulate her on her bravery in telling him and thank her for being so open and transparent about her past. For me the most important question he can find the answer to is not her sexual orientation or attitude toward sending nudes, but why she felt it was important to tell him these things.

I would still wager that she really likes him and feels he should know about these things sooner rather than later or that she wants to arouse him into thinking of her as a kinky sex machine he wants.

Since it bothers him; thanking her for her courage and transparency and then asking her why she told him, so he can better understand the status of their relationship is a better approach. The OP didn't say he was turned off, or it was a deal killer; he sounded like he cared about her, but wasn't sure if these should be huge red flags or not. If these aren't deal killers for him, that is his choice and I urge him to explore what it means to date a woman who is likely much less mature than he is.

I do agree that there is a huge generational difference on typical sexual practices today from people 40 to 60 years older.
Great post. I love the honesty and don't really know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question

I know if its not for me as I find out more I can definitely move on, but I also know she's very into me as I played quite hard to get (somewhat not intentionally)
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
I sense, possibly wrongly, that he may have come out of a relationship where he was cheated on.

So his GFs casual attitude about cheating is setting off alarms, particularly this early in the relationship when her focus should be on him.

However as others have pointed out there is a whole lot of background and current conditions data missing.
Have not been cheated on and also not too worried about that
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
I don't have a problem with her experimenting, but the fact that it's her best friend, and they hang out all the time I assume? I can see why insecurity might creep in. Those boundaries could be crossed at any time, without you knowing. I see it as a little bit of a red flag, as far as she may not respect boundaries? I could be wrong, but I would not be comfortable with them hanging out.
This is definitely where I'm at

But I also don't want to be a **** about it, who I am to come in here and tell her she cant see a friend.
 

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Discussion Starter · #88 ·
Yeah, unfortunately this appears to be a driveby and will leave a lot of important questions unanswered.

I agree and stated earlier that I think the context in which she disclosed this information is very important. Was she remorseful and confessing? Was she boasting? Was she completely nonchalant and just mentioning it in passing like it is no big deal?

It's possible she may have even been positioning or testing the waters towards some kind of 3way or something.

Without more details or context or background, there just isn't any real way of knowing.
I'm here, won't be absent again. Business has been busy, but it's winding down.

I don't see the three way take, she was nonchalant and passing it off like it was no big deal, but also a little embarrassed about it.
 

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I don't see the three way take, she was nonchalant and passing it off like it was no big deal, but also a little embarrassed about it.
OK that helps and I am glad you came back.

If she was nonchalant and just mentioning it in passing as you were driving by her house, then it's probably not something you should get too wrapped around the axle about either.

Her embarrassment may be because looking back, she may see it as a dumb and silly thing now.

Or she may have sensed your concern and felt embarrassed about it.

Either way, you are entitled to your own feelings about it. If this is something that happened in the past and is no longer an occurring thing, then it's up to you if it's something you can live with or not.

If she and this friend are still involved in some kind of quasi romantic and sexual level, then you have the right live your life according to your own values and mores and if you don't want to date a chick that has nudie photo sessions and makes out with other people whether they be male or female, that is your perogative and your choice. No one says you have to be with someone who does that.

I think the root of your concern here is that of personal values and boundaries vs that of being judgemental and controlling.

Values and boundaries is living your own life according to your own moral compass and self interests.

Being judgemental and controling is pointing the finger and telling someone else what they are doing is wrong and that they need to live according to your moral compass and your interests.

So in other words, you don't have the right to tell her what she is doing is wrong and that she can't or shouldn't do that.

But you are within your right to not date and not become involved with someone who takes nudie pictures and makes out with other people.

You are also in right to state your values on nude photography and sexual contact with other women or men.

At that point she is informed of your values and boundaries and either comply within your boundaries or she can tell you to go pound sand and then she and her GF can go post lesbian sex pictures on their Only Fans to their heart's content.
 

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This is definitely where I'm at

But I also don't want to be a **** about it, who I am to come in here and tell her she cant see a friend.
See my post above.

You can't tell her she can't see her friend. She is a free adult in a free country and can see whoever she wants.

But you can tell her under what conditions and boundaries YOU will see HER.

From there it's up to her on whether she wants to meet your conditions and boundaries or not.
 

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That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.
OK but so what?

If she tells you she will comply with your boundaries and then she sneaks off and does it on the downlow, then you have a cheater on your hands and you have your answer on her character.

Her morality and character are not dependent on you compromising your boundaries.
 

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That is a hard thing because people will just hide it. IMO anyways.
I also want to add that living according to your own values, mores and boundaries should not be "hard."

What is by far the hardest life to live is that of compromising your own values and boundaries.

Now there will be people that do not want to live according to your values and boundaries and they will walk away from you.

But, if you are compromising your own boundaries and letting people walk all over you, then you will be in for a lot of suffering and you are guaranteed to be surrounded by people that are wrong for you.

The courageous only die one death. The coward dies a thousand deaths with each compromise of his values.
 

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Great post. I love the honesty and don't really know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question
OK so what you are asking here is whether you should be dishonest about your feelings so that she is honest about her actions.

Does that seem congruent to you? Should her honesty be dependent on your dishonesty?? If her honesty can only be obtained through your dishonesty, then is any of this actually honest??

Let me put it another way, honest people are honest whether other people like or approve or what they have done or not. dishonest people are dishonest whether other people like or approve of what they have done or not.

So in other words, if she is an honest person, she will be an honest person even if she knows you don't jive with her actions with her friends.

But if she is a dishonest person, she will still be dishonest whether you approve of it or not.

Either way you gain nothing by being untrue to your own values.
 

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A way to approach this with the GF is "Hey, you said you send nudes to your GF -- do you know that people at the phone companies, hackers,and others, can access those (yeah they aren't supposed to but....)
 

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Great post. I love the honesty and don't really know how to bring my feelings up to her without her shutting off her honesty. That is my main question

I know if its not for me as I find out more I can definitely move on, but I also know she's very into me as I played quite hard to get (somewhat not intentionally)
You need to examine your feelings for her. She has possibly shared deep feelings for you.

If you think you might really care about her, then tell her that you really liked her honesty and bravery in telling you about her pictures and her friend. Tell her that open and honest communication leads to strong relationships and you find those qualities in her very special and so different from other women you have dated. Tell her that so many people hide things. (That should not turn off her honesty.) Tell her that you wanted to make sure you told her how special you found that bravery, because it took you a while to be brave enough to admit it.

Tell her that you were having a hard time addressing your feelings, but her inspiration made you open up. Thank her and tell her that you could learn a lot from her. (Again, that should not turn off her honesty, unless she just wants a fling and feels you are too serious.)

Assuming those are all true statements and that she really is into you, the two of you should be able to explore your relationship at a pace you are each comfortable with. I would wager her pace will be faster than yours.

One of the things to be careful about is moving emotionally too quickly. I am going to assume you have known each other for at least a month and had more than 2 "real" romantic dates and that there is sexual chemistry between you. I am also assuming that you want her feelings for you to grow. Be confident and enjoy doing fun things together that allow you to spend time talking about what each of your dreams for the future entail. Causing a woman you like to think about what she wants in the future and contemplating a future with you is a way that you two can bond and visualize a relationship.

If you are feeling brave and emotionally close and she is being open & honest, tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date. Tell her you want to know two or three of the most memorable dates she has been on, so you have some idea where the two of you could go and what you can do. (Your goal is that in the future....no matter what happens.....when she remembers the best dates of her life, you will be one of them.)

Good luck.
 

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If she is doing it because she is insecure about her body, you should be happy she is finding support through a friend. Sure, it's not the most orthodox way of dealing with it, but if it helps her, so what?
 

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If she is doing it because she is insecure about her body, you should be happy she is finding support through a friend. Sure, it's not the most orthodox way of dealing with it, but if it helps her, so what?
She also has kissed this person.

So what?... so maybe OP wants to date a woman who doesn't kiss her friends or deal with insecurities by exchanging full nudes with others.

If that's her tendency imagine how she might handle insecurities down the line.

OP can definitely find a different girlfriend who does not kiss in a sexual way her close girlfriends or exchange full nudes because "insecurities".
 
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